Here are some thoughts on this past weekend:

-cigars, wine, and great conversation are a GREAT way to spend a relaxing Friday night. I've been reminded how lucky I am to have such good friends a lot lately. Thank you.

-I knew there was a reason why I don't listen to my gay friends' advice often. It's now Monday morning, I don't have any chest hair, and my skin is on FIRE! (Not to mention, I think it looks ridiculous...some people are just supposed to have chest hair...your resident hulking rugby player included...)

-While I'm not overly religious, the phrase, "When God closes a door, he opens a window.", could quite possibly ring true for me lately.

-I know a lot about myself...a middling amount about what I want...and no clue about what I am looking for in a relationship whatsoever.

-It's STILL too cold for me to run. I tried on Saturday. I went up to Delaware Park and turned in a two-mile time of 16 minutes. That's ridiculous...I just don't function well in cold weather. Trying to run when it's below 60 degrees is nearly impossible for me...my muscles don't work, my head isn't in it, it's just a disaster. Who wants to run with me once the weather REALLY turns?

-Along the same lines...when I run in the cold (even after stretching) my muscles SCREAM at me the next day or the day after that. Today my hamstrings are really tight. Whatever happened to that 15 year old goalie who could almost do a full split? (I know, I know...he turned into the 20 year old offensive lineman who sacrificed flexibility for bulk and strength...)

-There are some incredibly clueless intelligent people out there (myself included sometimes..)..we should all work towards alleviating that problem.

-The user sound...it's a little early...but a good sunny day when it's starting (thank god) to warm up a bit is the perfect time to break out one of the best of the old-school jams.

Another collection of thoughts/activities/ideas from the resident scatter-brain:

1) Rugby - Last night was practice. Overall, it was the usual..but for some reason, whether I'm getting a lot more fit or was well-rested or who knows, I wanted to run MORE. Yes...more running..I must be sick. It just wasn't enough of a work out. I want to be drenched in sweat and unable to breathe by the end of practice. I want to be so sore and tired I have a hard time depressing the clutch to shift gears on the way home. I want to have to crawl into the shower and just stand there and leet the hot water run over my body for 20 minutes. I know, I know...be careful what I wish for, right?
I also almost killed a poor kid last night. You see, our brilliant coach and a couple of the older guy decided they wanted to help start a high school developmental side through South Park High School. Great..no problem...but there are a lot of kids interested. And trying to hold a practice for 30 high school kids plus 15 men's club players in the same gym at the Old First Ward Center gets a little hectic. Anyway, we wound up playing speedball (touch rugby) at the end of practice yesterday and I went to make a tag on this poor kid and I don't know if he slipped or tried to duck, but he went down. Needless to say, without having a body there to "tag", I lost my balance and went sprawling. All I remember after that was a very "Matrix"-esque moment where I could see that if I didn't do something my elbow was going to connect with the side of his skull, my knee would have come down right on his abdomen and my entire 6'5", 215 lb frame would have fallen from about 3' in the air onto this poor little 16 or 17 year old, 120 lb kid. So...having a little bit of Neo in me (*laugh*), I contorted in mid air and rolled away a bit. Unfortunately...this caused me to land with all of my weight on my left knee and left elbow (knee first, beside the poor kid onto the hard gym floor, and then elbow as I twisted over backward in the air). So today, my left knee is killing me and my left elbow isn't too happy either, but at least I don't have to worry about a lawsuit from an angry parent or killing a poor little kid before he's even had a chance to experience life and love and sex and all those good things. *laugh*

2) "Faux-hemians". Just a quick little rant here. I can't stand what I call "faux-hemians" (rhymes with Bohemians). You know the type I'm talking about..you see them at Spot or in Allentown. I'm not talking about the real Bohemians..people with a soul, people who are authentic. I'm talking about the rich, pretentious (usually) college-aged kids who are buying their lattes and macchiatos on daddy dearest's credit card while talking about how their art history class is soooo hard. The ones who dress differently.....just like everyone else. The ones who misappropriate style, culture, language, and art to serve their own needs.....blah. Sorry...they bug me. There isn't anything "cooler" than being authentic...try it sometime.

3) Today's musical selection is "Black Rock" by O.A.R. (Of A Revolution). A fun little jam band that I love.

"And if you wanna find me, I'll be out in the sandbox...just wonderin' where the hell all the love has gone...playin' my guitar and building castles in the sun, whoa, and singin', "fun, fun, fun""

Okay....I hate my birthday. It's a time each year that I look back over the previous year of my existence and take stock of where I am as compared to where I'd like to be and where I REALISTICALLY should be. (Those are two very different things...I've always had some lofty goals...lol) This inevitably depresses me. Upon looking at the past year over several categories...this is what I've come up with:

Career/Finances:

Where I am: I'm currently a claims adjuster at St. Paul Travelers in Buffalo. I make a decent enough salary to maintain my 2 bedroom duplex in S. Buffalo, my car, my hobbies, and modest fun expenditures.

Where I should be REALISTICALLY: I think this is about right...realistically in the career path I've chosen (and with the current degree I have), my career is progressing along decently. Would I love a raise? Sure...who wouldn't...I don't know many people who think they are either fairly or overly compensated for the duties they perform. All in all...I can't complain TOO much...but it definately isn't approaching my dreams..lol.


Physical Health/Overall Physical:

Where I am: Hmmm...I'm me. *laugh* 6'5", 218 lbs. That gives me a BMI of 25.8...according to those crazy physicians. (a "normal"
weight BMI is between 18 and 25) That makes me JUST BARELY overweight. I eat properly, exercise regularly (thank you rugby), and try to take care of myself.

Where I should be REALISTICALLY: This is one area I'm proud of...a year ago I was 245 lbs. (BMI = 29 or high end overweight..almost "obese"). I lead a far healthier lifestyle...I run, play rugby...generally feel like I'm fitter and quite easy on the eyes if I do say so myself. *laugh*

Social Life/Relationships:

Where I am: Well..on the friends side of the equation everything is great. I've got a fairly large circle of friends and several that I'm close with. I've got an entire TEAM full of friends. I'm just lousy with friends...*laugh*. The real kicker is on the love/relationship side of the equation. That's where I'm lost. I don't know what is going on there...there are things I'd like to see "work". There is someone who I think I could really get to know and care about but the situation seems so far from ideal...what do you do? I find it's a constant battle between the selfish portion of me and the selfless portion. Do I step back from the situation and let everything run it's course without interference or do I intervene on my own behalf to try "fight for" something? I don't know....craziness. Uncertainty kills me...I prefer to live in a certain world...to deal with problems/uncertainties as they arise, to be able to resolve them so that they stop being problems and go back to being "certainties". Time will tell....

Where I should be REALISTICALLY: No idea....*laugh*

There's more...I'm sure I could go on...but I've at least gotten some of it off my chest and things seem a tad brighter. I'm sure everything will work out "the way it is supposed to"...I just want to know what that way is...and I'm having trouble getting some sort of indication as to what that is exactly.

Okay...so as some of you may or may not know, I'm a bit of a geek. Okay...so really I'm a big geek. Some of you also may know that I took five years of Latin. But what most people don't know is that I still work on translations to this day....for fun. Yes, translating from Latin to English for fun. And it really can be. To take something that is already "perfect" in the original language, to then "break" it into a literal translation, and then to "refine/reperfect" it into the new language. At least I've found that to be the most productive way of translating from a classical language. (Not like translating from Spanish etc, where you can be very literal and only substitute for colloquialisms) The hardest part is trying to maintain both flow/feel while also preserving meaning. It's that "art" of translation that really draws me to it.

So then..without further ado...a quick little translation I've spent a little time on lately:

vitam quae faciunt beatiorem,
iucundissime Martialis, haec sunt:
res non parte labore sed relicta;
non ingratus ager, focus perennis;
lis numquam, toga rara, mens quieta;
vires ingenuae, salubre corpus;
prudens simplicitas, pares amici;
convictus facilis, sine arte mensa;
nox non ebria sed soluta curis;
non tristis torus et tamen pudicus;
somnus qui faciat brevis tenebrus;
quod sis esse velis nihilque malis;
summum nec metuas diem nec optes.
-M. Valerius Martialis, Epigrams X, 47

The things which make for a happy life, my dearest son, are these:
property not earned but inherited;
fruitful land, a hearth where there is always a flame;
a life free from litigation, few official duties, and an untroubled mind;
a hearty constitution, a healthy body;
strong character, friends who are you equals;
good company, plain meals;
nights not spent drunk, yet free from cares;
a good love-life, but one that is also virtuous;
do not seek to be anyone but who you are;
and to neither fear, nor wish for, death.


There you have it...a little sage advice from Martial. The translation still isn't perfect, and there are a few things I'd like to tweak...but overall, I don't think it's half-bad.

So I was reading through several journals and find myself with new or concurrent ideas on some of the key issues they've touched on. This is a good thing because I find myself unable to articulate exactly what is causing me so much distress lately. I often have an inability to find the root of things which are getting me down and really work to solve them. (Which is odd, because I can usually cut right to the quick when I'm helping someone ELSE with their problems......)

The first journal that really got me thinking is (e:Flacidness). I can completely relate to having a hellish "family" life. I haven't spoken to my mother since Christmas. I haven't really spoken to my siblings since probably Thanksgiving. And my father...well...I haven't heard from him since my high school graduation back in '97. This hasn't really bothered me...I have assembled a new "family" out of my friends. Great...I understand and accept this. However...why does it seem that other people I meet in my professional and personal life don't understand why I don't contact my family? Why does this constitute a character flaw on my part and NOT on the part of my family? I'm lost....I dunno. It seems even if your family treated you like crap you're obligated to pretend that life is all roses and hearts and small fluffy animals. Anyway....

The other journal that really got to me was (e:Byllc). Wow...talk about an unexpected kick in the chest. The simple premise was, "When was the last time you were really and genuinely excited?". I took this to mean the downright elated to be alive, birds-are-singing, choir of angels type of excited. The type of excited you got all the time as a kid, when everything was new...when everything was earth-shattering. The type of excited I got before/during the first time I had sex (sorry about all that excitement Miranda....wherever you are....haha), the type of excitement I felt when I got my acceptance letters for university, the type of excitement I felt in huddle before the first play of my first game of football in college. The last time I was ever THAT excited.....was when I proposed to my ex-fiancee. And it was at that realization that three things immediately happened; 1) I realized how much I'd changed in the past 3.5-4 years, 2) I became angry that someone who would eventually hurt me so incredibly badly would "hold" that position in my life, and 3) I became really really confused. You see, over the past few years (I'd say the last year especially), I decided that I definately didn't want children and probably didn't really ever want to get married either. That's not to say that I don't want serious or deep relationships...just that I don't see the benefits to having a binding contract with a member of the opposite sex. Great...then why hasn't there been any sort of excitement like that in my life since? By steering clear of marriage as a whole, am I then denying myself access to this level of excitement ever again?

And now..well..now I'm just depressed. I realize that I've only really ever truly and deeply loved three people in my entire life. And that I haven't had that feeling in quite some time now. And how much I miss that feeling of being able to tell someone anything and everything and have them really and truly care about what I'm telling them. And how I miss waking up next to someone...and not being alone. The feeling of security and understanding...I even miss the fights sometimes. (You just can't have a good fight with someone you don't love/care about enough to put the effort in.....lol). And what's almost worse is that, looking back on things, I don't have any idea as to how to find that again. It feels like those three wonderful experiences in my life just fell in my lap...I don't know how I'd obtain that again. They all happened in very different ways...and they all seem so random now. And how in retrospect I definately didn't cherish those times the way I should have, I took them for granted. I miss it and I want it again.......but I definately feel like I'm "all dressed up with nowhere to go", so to speak.

Well...there's always tomorrow, right?