I have come to the end of my graduate school applications. It's hard to believe that the whole process started just this summer...it feels like i have been working on them forever. Now the only thing left to do is call to make sure they are all complete and wait. Although I'm sure most people finding the waiting part of applying for something tedious, I think it's nice. I like putting it out of my mind and thinking that it's someone else's responsibility. yay for being done!

I really hope that I get into at least one school. I mean of course it would be freakin fantastic to have a choice, but one would be ok too. I don't feel very confident about my chances but at least I've done what I can do.

In other news, Christmas wasn't very nice this year. I'm not sure what was missing but something just didn't feel right. There was no excitement on my part, and there were too many other things (and people) to worry about. I can't tell you how much I need to shake something up. Not in a crazy way, obviously, just in a way that changes a lot of things. I need a bunch of changes all at once but they have to be positive ones. I'm not really sure if I know what needs to change...okay, well I know a couple things, but really there are some things that are just lurking. I can feel it.

My aunt told me that she spoke to a psychic who told her that this year was going to be a good one. It's really funny because my aunt doesn't even believe in psychic but there she was telling all of us not to worry because this year would be great. She said the psychic told her that last year 2004 was destined to be a bad year and every psychic knew it. I thought back to all of the things that happened in my life this year and basically I feel like i have to believe her that 2005 will be better.

On the other hand, I know this year could have been much worse. I can't imagine all of the poor people who have suffered this year, the soldiers around the world fighting who have been away from their families, all of the children who have been hungry, and the elderly people who have been alone. I am very thankful for all that i have. I hope that 2005 will be a better year for everyone. I don't think that's too much to ask.

So far today has been pretty successful. I began this day by going to the post office and sending in 6 graduate school applications that will arrive on time and completed correctly to their respective destinations. I am very pleased with myself because I sat one room all day yesterday so that I could get it done. After getting that stuff mailed out I purchased my mother's xmas present. I have been struggling for weeks trying to think of something to get her and all of a sudden last night the perfect idea hit me. I know she is going to love it because it is totally her kind of thing. Furthermore, I hate buying people "items." In my family more value has always been placed on giving people experiences rather than objects. So for my mothers gift I got her a subscription to a club for a year. I am not going to disclose what kind of club it is for fear of getting laughed at and mocked by everyone...but let me just say that she will love it :)

The other thing that has made today very nice is that I received a brochure in the mail about accomodations for the binenial meeting of the Society for Research in Child Development. I am really (pathetically) excited to go to this conference and present my research, so getting all the info in the mail about it made me happy. THere is a bit of a downside to all of the conference stuff though. I found out the other day that my professor isn't going to go the conference because her research wasn't accepted. Now i have to go to Atlanta all by myself in April. I forsee many episodes of me asking random strangers for directions because I have gotten so lost. I am trying to convince my professor attend the conference even though she isn't presenting. In case she says no, anyone want to go to Atlanta in April? I hear it's beautiful that time of year.

Teres, all I can say is I know why you feel bad today. I know how easy it is to feel like you suck because of stupid things. That's why it's good to have people around who know you really well to say that you are amazing. For all of the times that I have been able to lean on you and for all of the stupid reasons I have hated myself, I can honestly say that you are beautiful and should never feel like you suck. Don't beat yourself up. You're amazing. Feel better and call me anytime because there isn't anything I couldn't drop if you want to take some time to unwind in the spa :)

[size=xl]Happy 22nd Birthday Teres!!![/size]

Imagine yourself in the future!

[size=xl] Happy 21st Birthday Jesse!! [/size]

I just wrote a very long post but now it is gone :(

Basically all it said is that I really like my little Lia. I went into explaining how bigs and littles work in my sorority but I am too annoyed to do it all over again. Maybe tomorrow. Here is the picture of Lia that I included before I lost everything:



Bye for now. Take care everyone!

My thesis is falling apart. I picked something too complicated and now it is falling apart. I need to use the same children I studied 18 months ago when I did my Scholar's Project, only now they are impossible to find. I guess this is why longitudinal studies are not common. In my old study I used 3 schools, one public and two private. Now the two private schools that I called only have two of the children I used still enrolled...2!!!! How did that happen? Do that many children change schools? I guess maybe I was unaware of this because I always went to a public school but this seriously puts in a kink into my thesis. Also, it is freakin impossible to get public schools to agree to anything. There is so much bureaucracy in the system. I agree that schools should be highly selective about who they allow to interact with the children. However, if you're gonna say no do it within a month, ditto for yes. I mean I can't wait around a year. Only one committee has to read my proposal, what takes so long!? I am just concerned at this point that my project might never come to fruition and that would be heartbreaking. I mean I guess it doesn't matter that much at this point because no one else is going to see it. I am not going to be done with it when I apply to grad school or anything but I honestly just wanted to do it for myself. I am very attached to this and I don't want to see it fail.

Every Tuesday night I go to a meeting of 13 fraternity brothers. It's called the Intrafraternal Council and my sorority is the only one on campus who is part of if because we can't be part of the council for sororities (it's confusing and not really important why). Anyway, it's a really strange and intimidating experience that I have grown to enjoy.

The council has no faculty members on it and I am basically lumped in with the guys so I really get to experience fraternity brothers in their purest form. Let me tell you, it's not pretty. A lot of the time i feel like I am at a meeting for organized crime. The discussion generally centers around how to break the alcohol policies without getting caught or how to cover up vandalism. I have met with millions of slurs, swear words, and gestures imitating masturbation. Are guys really like this all the time? I am probably just very naive and therefore have no idea what it's really like to be around fraternity brothers since I never go to fraternities but still I am surprised.

I am also surprised that these guys are generally pretty smart. I never really stereotyped them as stupid but I am impressed by the many different ways they think of to screw with the school and other people on campus. It's not that I approve but more that my eyes are opened a bit wider.

While I'm on the subject of approving, I have to mention that I often leave these meetings (where generally my only contribution is to give them an update on the service projects we are doing that week) and ask myself whether it is just as wrong to watch people plan to do something bad and not do anything to stop it as it is to commit the crime itself. I don't want to seem overdramatic, I am obviously not witnessing people plan a murder but sometimes I do wonder if people are going to get hurt in someway by these guys and their irresponsible ways. I know that I am going to sound like a puritan but I honestly believe the alcohol policies at my school are to help people from getting hurt. They don't say people can't drink but they do limit the amount frats are allowed to be dispensing. Girls go to the hospital every week from frat parties where they violated the alcohol policies and then on Tuesday they come into the meetings and talk about how to protect themselves from punishment by the school. Sometimes I feel like an accomplice...like I should try to do something. I guess I fall to peer pressure. I feel intimidated but that's no excuse. What are they going to do if I speak up, call me names or argue with me? I should be more assertive next time.

Ahhh, sometimes simple things are complicated I guess.

It's been a long time since I updated my journal. I think I am going to start allowing myself to write short entries, that way I will feel like I have time to start one. Anyway, the past couple weeks have been hectic. I working on my thesis which is proving to be more difficult than I expected. Basically I have to convince schools to allow me to bring a college student in and have 15 minutes with 4th grades one on one during school. Oh yeah, and I need to videotape it. Not that easiest task as most schools are extremely hestitant to allow their children to be videotaped or taken out of class. Thank God for private schools. Not that they don't care as much, but usually I only need to convince the principal, not the entire district office.

Besides thesis stuff I have been super busy planning a fundraiser. We are having a Monopoly tournament on November 6th to benefit a non-profit that takes care of children in Schenectady, a very worthy cause. We're expecting teams from 10 area colleges, all in all about 350 people. Trying to get money for food, donations of prizes, and all the other stuff is crazy. This is by far the bigger undertaking than I thought. Hopefully it will work out. I'll keep you posted.

Last of all there is the neverending grad school process. I am not feeling too good about this whole application thing. I sat down to try to formulate a resume yesterday and I realized that I have nothing to put on it. That's not going to make me very desireable. Furthermore, I just don't know when I am going to have time to look at schools, write essays, and get all the info together. And then there is the Psych GRE...be still my beating heart. Basically I am not sure where all the time is going to come from. I guess it's not going to come from me writing in my journal...oops. Oh well, I need a break sometimes!

Take care!!

Okay so it’s time for a bit of a rant. The other day I went to meet with woman because my sorority is running a fundraiser for the charity she heads. I could tell right away that this woman was kind of brash but she was friendly enough to me so I didn’t really think anything of it. However, as we were making small talk she hit on one of my biggest pet peeves ever. She asked me what my major was and when I replied psychology she said that it was great that I was going to be a therapist (she is a social worker). When I explained to her that I was actually interested in becoming a researcher her reply was “Don’t you want to help people?!� I held back my annoyance because I decided that it wasn’t the right situation to let myself get carried away but then she continued, “I don’t understand why people like you, who are educated and given so much, do not want to help your fellow human being.� AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I seriously could have leapt across the table and strangled her right there.

First of all, I am there because I am trying to organize a ridiculous fundraiser for 350 people for her charity. I mean I don’t get paid to do this and she has the gall to tell me that I don’t want to help people! Second, what does she think researchers do?! I mean where does medicine come from? How does she think that therapist know how to help people? Does some magical genius just write out how what therapists should do with a golden pen and then poof! it’s learned and utilized?!

I know that I would not be a good counselor. I am not really built to help people in that way, so there would be no use in me trying that. I want to contribute in a different way. Why don’t people understand that there are lots of ways to make a difference? Besides, although I give all due credit to therapists, they are solving problems one person at a time (if they are able to solve anything). Researchers work on a large scale. They figure out how problems form and what is the best way to fix them. I don’t understand why someone can’t see that.

Finally I could not help but be pissed off at her assumption that I have everything given to me. I am the first to admit that I am very fortunate, but she doesn’t even know me. She thinks that just because I come from a school where most of the people have a lot of money that I am like everyone else. Well, not everyone is like that Union. Yes, lots of people here are rich, but there are a lot of people who aren’t. I work hard in school and I am not rich, so her assumptions about me are far more annoying than they will ever be accurate.

I guess I should be able to take these comments and attribute them to ignorance but they really did make me mad. It’s not the first time someone has thought that my disinterest in therapy equated to me ambivalence towards helping mankind. Whatever. I know that I am going to make things better…even if it’s in a small way. I don’t need that woman’s approval to feel like my goals are worthwhile. Anyway, I am still the sole organizer of her little shindig. Although I could get bitter at her and lose interest in this fundraiser, that is not the kind of person I am. I want to help people…even if it means helping her.