Yesterday I got to walk to work as a result of not having a car. It was such a beautiful morning. The wind wasn't blowing so I really got a chance to enjoy the suns rays. I'm a bit obsessed with looking at all the different architecture in Buffalo. I kind of have even a small collection of random buildings and houses. This is the Greek Orthodox Church on Delaware and Utica.



My name is Jen-nay.

This is so cute!

So my roommate and I still have not found an apt. Roommate being Steve and not Mike. We have an appointment tomorrow and three on Saturday to see apartments.

Today I got some really cool checks from Yale University! I feel so important.

The Buddhist organization I practice with is moving locations. The new place is huge and much more comfortable. It gives us a lot more room for growth. The other week I helped unload 250 chairs off a truck and carry them all to the upstairs of the new community center.

I'm going to gay pride in St. Petersburg FL at the end of June with my Mom. It is really something special to have a mother who will go with you to attend a gay pride parade. It is nice to go to a pride parade and actually be proud of who I am. I don't know what it must be like being even older than I am now and not even able to tell my mother or father that I was gay. It really must be awful not having your relationships validated by the ones you love ever. Sometimes I think a lot of people don't even understand why we march, it is almost like it is just another reason to party, just another pointless, arbitrary and empty party with a flag. Not everyone of course, there are those who truly are fighting for change and even those who really do have cause to celebrate.

My Great Aunt Rosalie died a week ago today. I'm going to her service in North Carolina, but I don't know when. She was very supportive of me and even sent me this beautiful letter about how my identity is not really about being gay. I'm actually going to see if I can find it....

I found the letter! I didn't see it the first time I looked and then I looked again and I am so happy that I have it. What an amazing woman she was. I can't help but share with you all.
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Dear David                                December 2000

Here you are off on a new journey in Buffalo!! What an exciting time and at a special time of the year. This has been a big year for you in many ways. I understand you are going to school and possibly already have a new job. What a way to be moving into year 2001. Keep me posted from time to time. Three is also another purpose in me writing this letter. Granny shared with me your opening to the family about being gay. I'm sure that this must have been difficult for you and very necessary. Things in life are not easy and if we live in deception it breaks all the ties to love, support and acceptance. In no way am I going to try to tell you how you should be living your life, but I think it is good for me and hopefully you that I share with what I think and believe in. Bear with me as I would rather be sitting in front of a fire having a cup of hot chocolate with you and exchanging thoughts as I would, even if this were not the subject. I would just like to see you , as it has been a long time.

I do not believe we are heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual or asexual only! We are just wonderful works of God's love. Sexuality is such a very small part of the whole person. IT is not who we are what our beliefs, values, joys, dreams, successes, failures or disappointments are. They may be affected in some ways, but the essence of who we are comes from deep within and too often in confusion we avoid that part of ourselves. That's why I think it is so important that we accept who we are and love out who we are intended to be, to be the best we can muster up from day to day.

A great deal of what I believe and who I am has become much clearer to me in my addiction and the daily journey of recovery. As long as I denied the truth about me I was unable to live a healthy or happy life. Addiction was only part of my truth, the other bigger part was and is based on how I dealt with reality. That was and is the biggest challenge. For a long time I was confused, struggled terribly, used chemicals to ease the pain only to fall deeper into more pain and confusion. A terrible whirlwind. Stopping, with help, looking at truth, and learning to live in a direction of purpose and direction was like looking out into a beautiful distance. I didn't know if the picture was a sunset or a sunrise. I just kept on the journey of living.

I have several gay friends who have shared with me the difficult struggle they had or are having and their journey into their own acceptance and reaching out for that from others. The ones that are happy and living very satisfying lives are the open and honest. They seem to have struggled with a truth, accepted truth and got on with living their life.

I think you are a wonderful young man! I've always had a special place in my heart for my very first Great Nephew. In you being so open with us all it just makes the place in my heart bigger and warmer for you. I applaud how you have handled your struggles and I only want a good life for you. It is the same that I want for the other people I love. I want you to have a good journey, filled with joys and happiness, purpose, direction and values, successes and the ability to live though mistakes and disappointments, loses and great gains. Among all this I want you to find someone special to develop a deep and meaningful commitment to enjoy your life with. I wan you to grow wise and strong though all your experiences. Use the wisdom and strength you have now to build on. Your foundation is there and believe me no one has a flawless foundation from our childhood. We're all just people finding our way. The chinks [sic] I found in my foundation, though my own choices. We are never through with the journey until it is finished here on this earth and never really know what we will face. The need of the day will be met when we do the very best with who we are and how we use the moments of the day. It's just a journey.

I never thought I would have the illness that I have and sometimes wonder why, but the answer for me has not been in a question, but how I live out the answer. I don't like what is happening to me physically right now and the uncertainty of it all. Yet, I am at peace at knowing and putting my nose to the grind and trying to live each day well. Sometimes I just have to keep going back to the question, "What will I do with this?"

So, my David, what does that have to do with being gay? To me nothing more than you are on a journey and all the "facts of life" apply to you too! It makes you no more or no less of a person. How you live determines who my nephew David is. I'll always love you and will be here to applaud and support you and be honest with you. Remember the warm spot in my hear is just bigger to experience the love and acceptance your family has for you and you will stay close. If some struggle with your realities, be patient and accepting of their limitations. Your acceptance of others as they learn and grown will be the biggest part of your own happiness.

I have learned to sit at the computer and say what I feel and want to say to others without stopping to analyze my feelings and I hope this is what you hear in my words. If I stumble around sometimes, just chalk it up to your great aunt's age in life. I my words take on a hint of preaching then you perceived it correctly, because I would preach to the ends of the earth if I thought anything I might say would be meaningful to you. I hope you fell asand know as a fact, I love you.

Happy Christmas and best whishes for all you need in the New Year of 2001. Take care David,


Aunt Rosalie
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So my Aunt Rosalie is on a new journey now. No doubt she is on the right path.

The apartment search continues. There is one we almost signed a lease and now it appears that we will not be taking it. You wouldn't believe how emotional this whole experience has been so far. I was convinced that we were taking this apartment but we were not willing to pay a month and a half of security. We had the money, but we didn't want so much tied up of it so that we couldn't use it. When there are things that you need to buy than you gotta say wait a minute. Do I want all of my savings tied into security or do I want to get some things that I need. If they are not willing to budge, than we are willing to move on. It is nice to have the upper hand in negotiations.

Anyways after much stress from last nights fiasco with the apartment, I a feel like ten years older. I didn't sleep that well and was up most of the night. Now I have to go and do a conference call. What a thrill. Anyways it is $25 for a half hour. Not bad for a whore?

Lately I write journals and then I just delete them. Not sure exactly why.

Anyways, I have been actively seeking a new apartment this week. I have been wanting to move for so long (years) and everything seems as right as it is going to be financially to do it now. I'm determined though to find something that is going to be a good place for me to be. Honestly, I just think I deserve to live with with more For so long I have worked so hard and lived with so little, but I feel like a fish that doesn't grow because it's bowl is too small.

So this is what I am looking for.

Requirements:

2+ bedrooms
Bathtub
Rabbit friendly
Sunlight
Safe
Laundry facilities




Ideal:

2nd floor
claw-foot bath tub
radiator heat
gas stove--this is almost a requirement
porch
space for meetings and social gatherings
Ready to move in condition
Fenced in back yard
Off street parking
Original wood work
Private owner


Price Max:

All utilities included $900
No utilities $700

General Parameters--not absolute:

Fordham to North
Linwood to Richmond

Rock the Boat





I really was so sad to hear that she died. I remember where I was when I heard. I was working at Sister's Hospital in the main lobby. It was on NPR. I remember it was about the same time as Paul Wellstone's crash too and 9/11.

Her lyrics are always so great. They sure beat "Just like a tatoo, I'll always have you". That is just absurd.

Last night I wrote a journal titled "Office Space", but I decided to make it a private post. I'll leave it to your imaginations.

I will say that my car has been deemed not worth it's cost in repairs, so I am going to drive it until it takes it's last breath. It could be a while. Isn't it kinda like when people die? You just never quite know how long someone can make it once they are sick. The doctor might say a month but than the person lives on for like five years or more. Not that I think my car will last that long, but I do think that it could be for at least a few months after having been given it's death sentence.

Well, once it does die that is it. I just will not have a car anymore. I'm sorry I can't be a good consumer and spur our dying economy and all that. Maybe if I am lucky I can purchase a new pair of sneakers this year. I hope it helps.

This is one of my favorite Spanish songs originally written by Consuelo Velázquez of Mexico. I just love it! This woman sang it to me and my friend Amanda in Cuba. Ever since then it has been our song. She thought Amanda and I were lovers! Now it is my cell phone ring.



Here is Amanda and I. Aka mi amor.



Here is Andrea Bocelli singing it.




If you would prefer to see the soft gay porn version.



Como si fuera esta la noche
la última vez

Bésame, bésame mucho
que tengo miedo a perderte
perderte después

Quiero tenerte muy cerca
mirarme en tus ojos
verte junto a mí
Piensa que tal vez mañana
yo ya estaré lejos
muy lejos de aquí

Bésame, bésame mucho
Como si fuera esta la noche
la última vez

Bésame, bésame mucho
que tengo miedo a perderte
perderte después

Bésame, bésame mucho...


(e:mike) got the rare opportunity of hearing me sing when I sang this to him on the way home from seeing Juno.

This is just such a great love song. It is so sweet.