Hello All EPEEPS! I know it has been way too long since my last journal,but I wanted to invite you all to an Opening Reception to my Art Exhibtion called Crawlspaces with a fellow artist Heather Gillette. It is a free event with food and beverage until it runs out! This Friday July 3rd, 2009 from 6-9pm. The show is up an running from June 29th to July 6th. See www.mindweb.us for 464 gallery details. Here are the 464 Gallery hours: Tuesday through Friday 12 - 6pm; Saturday 11-6pm and Sunday 11-5pm. 464 Gallery is located at 464 Amherst Street Buffalo NY 14207 between Elmwood Avenue and Grant Street. Please remember to sign in the guestbook and give your opinion, I will especially look forward to reading it!

I do apologize for such a late notice. I am hoping the picture of the invitation will post.

Blessings to having a week off from one responsibility and then I discover that I am acting like I am completely stressed out. Can’t really figure it? I just wanted to shut off. No more efficacies. No more to do lists. No more things that need to be done. No more responsibilities. Then it hit me like a load of bricks. I do not want to do this right now. Of course the question was what do I want to do?

We get so loaded up with what we have to do that we forget that sometimes we have wants or needs. Sometimes I just need to sit and watch movies until my brain decides to start firing on its own. The realization occurs to you as you have discovered you really are addicted to spider solitaire. Long hours staring into space and then it hits you really hard.

Many years ago I had a really painful experience of falling down a flight of concrete stairs and knock out of whack 9 vertebrae of my spine. I went to my doctor to find out why I was having headaches and then backaches. Well, DUH! So I am now in physical therapy. I used to be an athlete. It’s like my brain is still wired to working out and I haven’t done it in years due to my other health problem. I’m in there and the competitive edges creeps up on me daring me to go harder, faster and then PAIN! Ouch!

I am constantly told that your young yet and you don’t know about pain. (Well, big fat raspberries to you, bucko!) Everyone has had a toothache at least once in your life. That dull throbbing ache that attacks one space in your mouth that you inspect with your tongue every thirty seconds. Hold that feeling in your mind. Take it out of your mouth and place it at the back of your skull. Your skull sucks it in like smelling roses and the scent wafts as it travels the length of your spine to where you sit, your tailbone. Remember that pain. Imagine it has traveled up and down your spine aching and throbbing until your muscles begin to tighten. Those muscles keep tightening and forget how to relax. Then you tell it to go to rehab!

Rehabilitation. Yes, I want to be able to move again without the pain. It’s amazing how the pain doesn’t leave. It’s ebb and flow does not coincide with my life or its routines. It doesn’t like to go away. This pain is like when you got left out in grammar school. Like when your school chums had to pick teams and you were the one left over that neither team wanted. It just wants you to want it to be there. Yet it does not realize that it is just a huge pain in the ass. Literally the pain that holds your sciatic nerve from stretching, that causes our fingers and toes to fall asleep just because you breathe. It does not matter what position you stand, sit or lay down and still body parts just up and take a vacation.

Spinal struggle. This internal tug of war is causing a stress that I do not know how to avoid and yet they tell there is light at the end of the tunnel. Stress causes more pain in my back. It is an endless evil struggle just to be sane. How do you turn off the trigger? How do I get better? I keep doing my homework. I keep going to rehab. I keep feeling the pain.

My co-teacher in my adult classes just called to tell me that we are canceling classes. I’m like ok why? She just found out she had pneumonia and just got home from the emergency room and getting her scripts filled. So we have to wait until she is not contagious. Everyone I know seems to be under the weather. So I just spent the rest of the time on the phone trying to reach my students on my class roster to cancel class. Now I am exhausted.

I was planning on a more interesting post, but now I am too pooped to continue. Maybe more tomorrow or Wednesday, I’m off to watch Medium and then straight to bed. Night all.

I am not sure if that is a threat or a promise. I have been offline for almost a year. Forgive my silence. So many things, so little time. My father got a kidney transplant. He is on the mend. Of course there is good days and bad days. Several more of my single friends have joined the copious groups of happily ever after entered into marriage and more on the way. Several children have entered the world and have been given a handmade baby blanket from yours truly. I am heading toward the finish line for my certification. Two more hurdles to go. Teaching and creating curriculum have taking over a great deal of what I write these days. I have recently realized that I have to make myself sit and journal. Very bizarre to read the last entry and barely remember why you wrote it. I have meet some really cool new people and am enjoying the process of getting to know them. I have recently found some new addictions that are relatively harmless to the public at large but put large dents into my pocket book and stress for space in my apartment. I am looking forward too many things on the calendar, but am desperately trying to stay caught up with everything. I really think I put too much on my plate. My eyes are bigger than my stomach. Trying to continue managing stress is always an interesting challenge in my life. Lately everyone I know is either really tired or physically ill, something about the progressive strains of the flu and other viruses. Since the writer’s strike I have gotten less interested in television and more interested in DVD’s and books.

Just thought I’d check in and let you all know I am alive.

For an extended period of time my life has taken some odd turns and has brought me to unexpected destinations. It has also been a bit unsettling to have little or no stability in my life. That is the current situation.

Home - has given me some personal challenges with uncooperative neighbors to inconsiderate tenants. I would love another tenant who lives a smoke-free living, allergies, someone who is quiet in their living space, enjoys the spacious backyard and its upkeep, adds a feeling of home, pays the rent on time, keeps a neat and clean space, has a routine that is complementary to mine, someone who lives alone, pet-free environment (due to allergies), enjoys company at reasonable hours, shares similar interests, speaks English fluently, is good with communication skills, is considerate of others, has respect for property, neighbors and community, is drug-free, is childless, single adult with healthy relationships, travels, and doesn't bring unnecessary problems. (Please understand my dream and respect that I have not told you all the horror stories I have lived with in the last 7 years!)

Work - also full of people challenges. I enjoy teaching. I have discovered I am very good at it and am quite passionate about it! I enjoy the students. I especially love them when they are at their best. But as we are all human, I expect some ups and downs. I do not understand adults that do not practice what they preach. You cannot tell a young adult to do as I say and not as I do and expect them to respect you! If you want the children to be respectful teach them respect and be a role model. OK. The hard part is living it daily! I struggle to be the best person I can be, because I know I impact the lives of young adults. I also realize that I am human and I am allowed to make mistakes. I enjoy the learning process and continue to grow and evolve. I am not about keeping up with other or try to make anyone look bad. My life does not revolve around anyone but me! Sorry if I am being selfish. I believe in honoring my right to be myself. If you do not like me, leave me alone. It is amazing the level of insecurity and defensiveness that other adults have. Don't get me wrong there are things I am insecure on. If you have met me and know me than you also know that I am only defensive when attacked or provoked!

School - I am still working on my own education and it is a hard balance. Unfortunately it has gotten to the back burner and not sure when it will return to simmering. Life has a way of happening and kill the best of intentions and plans! I have it on the schedule and will complete my commitments! SIGH

Teaching Adults - was something I enjoyed during my college years and I am returning to with a co-teacher. We are diligently working on an esoteric curriculum of 9 classes for the upcoming year at a local business: Strange Brew If you are interested in the classes, go to Services on the Home page, then click on Class Schedule on the left hand menu to see what we are up to!

Vacation - I am on several committees and have enjoyed it. The problem comes in with timing, needs and consideration. When dealing with other people I believe it is important to connect with other individuals that are part of the group and check, before determining my final plans. Some of these other individuals are being uncooperative and I am left with the choice without their input and I know this will cause problems in the end. I am rather hard headed once I have made my decision, but before that decision is made I am completely flexible! Worried, Nervous and need to prepare so that my trip is enjoyable.

Family - is always a constant in my world. My father who is terminally ill has his good days and bad days. He and I do not always see eye to eye and must be careful about our communications with each other. We are both to similar for our own goods! My mom is always a blessing to me. Do not misunderstand we get on each others nerves too! My extended family in terms of uncles, aunts and cousins is rather large. My great aunt recently fell and is recovering from that fall. My father's youngest brother and his wife bought a new home and it is lovely. My mother's sister has been recovering from moving and a series of issues with her health. My other relatives are less frequently with their news.

Friends - my list has gotten shorter since I have begun a new career and new endeavors to make a better life for myself. So sometimes it is lonely. My best friend and I are spending time taking bellydancing classes with a really cool instructor! My muscian friend is very into her life right now and we are working on scheduling issues. Here's my issue. I love my friends but I do not always want to be the person that calls. The problem is then I do not see them for long times until I do. People are so into their own worlds, myself included, that it is hard to think outside the sphere you live in. Many of my friends live out of state, which gets expensive. Many of my friends are married. Lifestyle issues. Many of my friends have children. Raising children is not only a parent's issue! I have been working on myself and my interests. There will be moments of meeting new friends in the future!

I probably need to be journaling to continue my wisdom, but this was just an update of my semi-unstable life at the moment. Until we met again, blessing on your life and live as each moment matters - because it does!

WOW! I cannot believe how long it has been since my last post. Unreal. That will show you how behind I've been! I have missed some cool stuff and give a shout out to all the (e:peeps) I both love and miss you!

Life has been a hellish roller coaster that has the undead manning the engineer's booth, because they won't let me off this hellish ride. Although I could spend many posts catching you up on the ride - I've decided to have an out of body experience from my roller coaster tripping.

Greatness. What is it really? Is it being the best at whatever it is you do? Is it your job? Is it your family? Is it your car? Is it your apartment? Is it your house? Is it your circle of friends? Is it your social life? What is greatness? Is it going to work everyday, being a responsible adult, and taking care of business? Is it having a family? Is it our progeny? Is it our legacy - our life's work?

People that I think are great are average ordinary everyday superhero. They are unique, genuine and creative individuals. They do things with passion, love and conviction. They are in that moment for all that it is worth. They are people who have jobs, but also live their own life. They are people who have cool stuff, but also have their own sense of style. They are people who believe. These great average ordinary everyday superheros are people who accept themselves for who they are, live their life to the fullest and balance. The first is necessary to complete the second and without the first two you have no hope of completing balance.

The new age mantras of balance. Man I knew this when I was knee high to the grasshopper, Hell I think I was an embryo! Here's the thing. The better you get at something life just keeps adding to your plate and sees just how well you can juggle. When you can prove you can juggle then let's try walking a tightrope and still keep everything in motion. You get the idea. Balance is about having the things you cannot control with the things you do have control over. Learning from the experience and doing something with it. Life does happen, but what are you doing with what you have experienced?

What does balance have to do with greatness? Well, I think most great people are skewed. They excel in specific areas, but are lacking in others. To be expected for the ordinary great individual. They become presidents. They become activists. They become evangelists. They become sociopathic. They become murderers. They become leaders. That is cool, part of the evolution of the soul, that balance of the white shiny happy people with the dark black evil tormented souls comes out to a whole lot of gray matter.

In my youth I thought success was define by possessions. As an adult I've had numerous experiences teaching me the only thing I truly possess is myself, even my body is on loan. It lives, it breathes, it feels, it sees, it hears, it thinks, it smells, it tastes and I thank the universe that I am blessed with this possession. There was a point in my life where I thought I lost everything of value it made me look hard and deep. It is not good to back anyone into a corner because you just do not know what he or she might do to change that reality. Either way that is my point, change or even a shift in perspective can give a whole new reality. We control more than we believe we have the power to control. We have less power over things we desire to control. So how to keep the balance? Breathe. Move. (Dance if you can) but most of all LIVE, Learn and love. Repeat to keep the order. Balance is about accepting one's experiences and applying them. Knowledge really is a very dangerous thing!

My neighbors are currently fighting over the volume of their music. See last night between midnight and 7 in the morning the neighbors next door to me decided to have a party and a fight, which obviously woke most of the neighborhood up all night. I actually spelt due to a very busy and crazy schedule. This morning life was quiet for several hours and then lunch time came... around 11 am the opera started from the neighbors across the street from my neighbors who throw the late night early morning party. Around 1:30pm the neighbors with the late night party decided to throw open all their windows and yell and scream while their music blares in the background.
    I had company for lunch and it was very difficult to carry on a conversation over their noise. My company left and we will reschedule our meeting due to both of us receiving headaches. When I walked her down to the street the noise there was unreal. I immediately went to the medicine cupboard and pulled out the musician level ear plugs that smooch and then will conform to the shape of your ear letting most of the noise be blocked from your senses! Great device!
    I am currently returning to my work with a less than desirable headache but with the ability to work. Thank the universe for small blessings.
    My issues with my neighbors: see the new neighbors (party all night neighbors) have come into our mostly quiet keep to ourselves neighborhood and have decided that we have problems with their race. The rest of the neighborhood is mixed ethnically speaking and we have all learned to get along or leave each other alone and that has worked for over 20 years. These new neighbors do not think rules apply to them. There are several (5 to 7 if not more) school age children who have not gone to school in the last two weeks. They make noise whenever they feel like it not realizing that there are still several people who work and are not retired. They talk so loudly that they are louder than my television set with the doors and windows closed. During the summer I just had to live with in because to have the windows and doors closed was ridiculous!
    These neighbors are nothing but trouble and feel that it is their right to do what ever it is they please. What they do not realize is the same unalienable rights that our constitution gives us runs out when we over step our boundaries to impinge upon someone else's rights. It is only a matter of time when they will get caught breaking the rules, since the rules do not apply to them. In the mean time I am praying for peace and solitude and enjoying any silence I can get.

Real life happening, if my enemy wanted to keep me from entering his abode or his castle and poured boiling oil over me, he would win.
    I recently decided I wanted falafels with my dinner of steamed veggies and chicken macaroni salad to complete the dinner options. I had an accident. For the first time in my life with frying foods I actually burned myself quite sincerely. After a half an hour with ice on my burned hand I decided that I'd better call the doctor. Oh - By the way, they are great friends but I dislike being the patient and the need to call him in an official capacity is not my idea of fun. Thankfully my doctor and I have a great working relationship, I only call when I am really in need of medical help. Therefore he calls me back. We both conserve our energies and my bills are reasonable. Now if only I could get the rest of the medical people I need to deal with to believe me.
    Anyway, once I fully described my injuries and had sound medical advise, knew exactly what to do I could concentrate on other issues at hand like my company that I had invited over.
    I have discovered a few things via this life experience. I hate the way my family deals with medical problems especially when I am on the receiving end. Yelling at someone in pain is futile. If I could have thought for myself, I would not have needed help. Hell, knowing me I would do it myself.
    What does your neck sign say?
    Any way following medical advice and it is strange to contemplate burned flesh when it is attached to your own body. Your skin darkens and there are these strange tender patches were the injury first assaults the skin that look like white areas about to puss up at any moment, but our miraculous bodies allowed to do there job are working furiously to heal that small area that has been affected. My other problem is it was my right hand. Even though I use both hands to do many things, it would take another lifetime to be where I am as an artist with my left hand. Reality check.
    I should begin teaching my left hand to draw immediately! J
    You think I am joking? Hmm well, maybe... but most truths are said in jest. It is what we do with tomorrow that really matters. Or I could learn to fry with my left hand... or better yet hire a full time chef. He or she then can worry about they're own burns.
    I would not wish the pain I felt upon anyone. It still aches. I burned a couple of small patches of skin on all five fingers and a couple of splotches on the back of my hand. It was all rather fascinating once the swelling went down. My hand looked normal and I could then be fascinated once again with the human body and how it works. I am quite curious as to the healing process as it has thrown my behind ass further behind and made me sleep and eat ravenously all day.
    I can't wait to put different bandages on... maybe I will do that now.

(E:springfaerie) turned me on to a book titled: "something borrowed" by Emily Giffin. It was on the New York Times Bestseller List. This book was a complete page-turner! I was hooked after I knew the characters in the book. I had a friend just like Rachel's when I was in high school. I obviously identified with Rachel, the main character. I am not a successful lawyer in New York City. I do have a profession, Teaching in Buffalo. Just as tough!

    I read this in two sittings of long hours in air conditioning while trying to ignore the dreaded heat index in buffalo. Rachel went through tough decisions, indecisions, realization, letting go, allowing things to happen in her life, let go of he control factor, remembering her dreams and trying to believe and deserve them in reality. Tasking risks in life are not always in the areas we think they need to be in, usually more in the areas of our life that we have difficulty with and hold onto tightest!

    This book is about friendships, the evolution of friendships as we grow older and how they change us or help enable us into behaviors; good or bad! I have known a few friends through grammar school and high school and it is really hard to let them go or even evaluate them unless you have time to step back and analyze, evaluate, and assign them their true worth. Not the ideal but the reality of what that friendship is worth to you.

    Giffin also gives us a real life drama to deal with that could happen to any of us girls. There are several male main figures and they too have a real life drama they are involved in, but it is written from the female perspective. I would love to know what men really think and feel about the women in their lives. I was recently privy to young men ranging from early 20's to late 60's discussing the women they love. They have the same worries, the same feelings, the same heartache, the same depression, the same hurts, the same joy, the same excitement, the dame happiness; it is just we express them differently in different environments. I was honored they let me stay present, but I was happy to know this basic fact. Since we here so much about how very different the sexes are, sometimes I would like to know more about how the genders are the same. No, it is not always obvious to us, male or female!

    She brings up the issue of ethics within boundaries of relationships. I think in the end she tells us to follow our heart. I wouldn't have made the choices Rachel did, but then I am not Rachel. Yet she went for it, she held on, she was disappointed and she made her decision and stuck to it in the end. She also discussed the boundaries in relationship among friends. Darcy her best friends from back home and grammar school, was filled with as many good qualities as bad qualities. Darcy was concerned for Darcy versus Rachel. Friendships are a blessing when they are balanced and have good foundations to survive growing older and dealing with bigger and bad-er problems.

    What does engagements and marriage mean to us? What is the purpose of an engagement? Why does engagement take long periods of time for some and less for others? What does marriage mean in today's society? Does each person have a different perception from the majority of the population? What does it mean to become married? Why do some people decide to get married? Are they for the right reasons? Is it peer pressure? Does it seem like the next logical step in the relationship? Is it because they are in love? Can both partners see each other growing old together; in sickness and in health? Is this the person I want to spend the rest of my natural life with? Or do you just know he or she is the one?

It was a well-told tale of the heart and about relationships. Good Book. I never guessed the ending, yet I hoped, I just had to keep reading.

There are some things that you spend a lifetime wishing for. From a corvette, house, the perfect furniture, true love, employment that is enjoyable, good health, dreams to come true and to get everything done in one day.
    I am reading a book called "Black Elk Speaks", the realization that I can live without anything except food, water, shelter and heat. I would say those are the essentials. There was a time when the place I call home used to be the home of another group of people. So what is home? Is home that place where you sleep? Is home the place where you keep all your worldly possessions? Is home where every your body is? Is home where your friends are? Is home where your family is?
    I have always looked at home as a sacred space to call my own. Home for me being a kind of sanctuary to be who I am. Is that place always an edifice? I do not think so. House is the building, but where do we come home too?
    I have been home at special places, some far from home than the place where I grew up. Some in other states where my life called me to walk very far from home, the state where I grew up. Home has been my Grandparents house. There is a light that comes over me when I think of my family. Home has been a church. Home has been my body. Home has been out in nature with nothing but a thin layer of tent to protect me from the weather. Home has been a hug from a good friend. Home has been a look of pride in my mentor. Home has been my voice singing at the top of my lungs, my favorite song of the moment. Home has been completing a scholarly degree. Home has been taking a trip away from where I live. Home has been someone else's abode. Home has been the floor in a living room of an acquaintance. Home has been dancing 'til dawn.
    I think home is a place I once described at the Happiness Garden. I think home is living life in the moment to the fullest of your ability at that time. Sometimes my ability to do this varies. Happiness was something I once knew well, a friend who would always be there. I could always find happiness in breathing; a scent of a flower; the rhythm of the rain; the silence underwater; another person smiling; another person dancing; freedom of expression; completing crafts; knitting; crocheting; singing; praying; painting; dancing; sports; talking with my friends to all hours of the night; sunrise; sunset; poetry; reading; movies; comic books; food; cooking; hugs; kisses; cuddling; and the list goes on...
    I met someone years ago that I have never written about because of the negative emotions that dwell in those memories. He reconditioned me to see the world from his eyes. I lost a great deal in the process. I forgot how to be happy. I forgot how to enjoy life. I forgot the simple things. I was always a force to be reckoned with when I was young. I had one weakness I wanted to be loved and love someone in return. Not everyone equally, just one person to fill an empty chair in my hearth fire. The problem with youth is your desire to be loved and return that love is specific. This person got in and sat in that very chair.
    I am who I am for all the people who I have loved and who have loved me in return. For the people who believed in me gave me a much bigger heart than I thought possible for myself. They showed me their life experiences, they let me into their hearts, and they loved me to the best of their ability.
     Did you ever wonder why you liked a piece of art? I always dig deeply to find the answer. I then went to college and learned to dig, as deeply for art I did not like. Here's the thing I've learned about art and life. It is the imperfection that we truly love. See we are attracted to what we like, what we see as similar to ourselves, what we understand, what is comfortable. See my key to happiness was the perfection in imperfection with a positive perspective.
    I had met my opposite in a male and I thought we could make each other happy. There were two mistakes with that premise. First, know what your partner REALLY wants. The second was making another person responsible for my happiness. In the process I learned how he saw things, I hope I taught him something he values, for in the end I have a strange aftertaste from knowing him. It is not horrific, but it wasn't wonderful either. There were good times and bad times. It is the overall summary that I am speaking of.
    Home is where the heart is. I understand that phrase just a little bit better from having my heart farther away from me than I am comfortable with. I remember the knowledge the child in me has always known about living life. Love is not conditional. We put ourselves in cubbies and label them. We separate and categorize. Anything that cannot be neatly explained in our lives lives in a land of grays and wastelands. We put so much into our illusions, our masks, our stories, our beliefs, our ideals, but without a reality check why is it that the negative side flows freely? That unconditional love seems so hard to put our faith into. See the snag lays in the fact that we need structure, that we need boundaries, that what we want and desire the very things that limit the true expressions of freedom and love. Human nature the walking contradiction that it is! Bless our perfection through imperfection! We may never be perfect. We are the epitome of imperfection!