driving to zoar with James Dean and Tanya. happyrobert.

Some way or another, I happened on old music from my very first ex, mikey. it's so weird... a lot of the time it doesn't affect me much, but it turned a calm introspective evening into a bit of a nostalgia fest.

sometimes we tend to whitewash our memories, but i remember plenty of things that make me unhappy. i wouldn't say i was nostalgic for the relationship, but more the period of time in general. spring time does this to me also... i get so nostalgic and wistful in this weather.

I guess it brings me back to that time where all i could really deal with was living in my imagination, and how good everything was gonna be in the future, how it'd get better. I envisioned every future moment with him. I had a hard time dealing with the reality of the now, but i really tried my hardest to just deal and live with it. I still find it hard to believe at one point i was working 12 - 14 hours a day, 5 days a week, and 5 - 6 hours a day on weekends just to support it all, while he did next to nothing. and we still never had enough money. I dropped out of college and lost contact with most all of my friends because of it all.

I think back on all that music he made, and it amazes me. He was really good. not the best, but he had something.

it's all gone now. almost every trace, except these digital files, and perhaps 1 photo. It's better that way, but at times it makes me a bit sad. It's hard when you invest so much in a person, your first person, and it doesn't work. It changed my perspective forever. I lost something permanently, and i'm talking about more than my virginity. I lost an outlook, a certainty, an innocence. It nearly never comes up, but there's points here and there that i still grapple with that.

Even the apartment we lived in is completely redone and different. my old neighbor told me about it when it happened. I wonder if even our skin cells are still somewhere in that place. Our dog is still around, but she isn't our dog anymore. My friend has her now, and she's doing well. She still remembers me, sweet jubilee. He calls her Ms. Judy.

Thinking about all of it, it feels like a totally different life time. We met days or weeks before i turned 20. I remember lying in bed, simultaneously entertaining the option of relationship with him, and mourning the end of my teens. I was so sad and upset to turn 20. He released an album on my 20th birthday and i thought it was secretly some kind of gift. he said it wasn't.

It really was a strange two years. I learned what most people learn dating around in their teens/middle school/high school over the course of 6 - 4 years, in 2 years. He was such a tortured artist complete with self-destructive tendencies, melancholy, physical/emotional distance, abusive behavior, and mental illness. It was partially what i was asking for. i'd always romanticized emotional torment as a younger person, and wanted someone with those intense feelings... well, i got him, and it was hell. No, i could not fix him. No, he did not want to be fixed. No, my every need was not fulfilled.

for having been told all my life i am wise beyond my years, I made a lot of unwise choices with him.

however, to quote a wonderfully cheesy j-pop song, "The toughness gained from my damage is unbelievable."

I am amazed I still think of all this and feel this nostalgia about it. It really was one of the most changing experiences. The amount i morphed, ignored, supported, let go of, learned, and gained still baffles me. Make no mistakes, i am thoroughly over him, there's no going back. There will never be a going back. I would never want to be with him again or anyone like him, but that time in my life was an incredibly emotionally charged time, and so it is hard to think of it without having something well up.

I know some of you are sigur rós fans... Has anyone else seen this yet? I really really love it.



They've dropped a member, and their sound has changed a bit (they seem to have gotten a bit harder), but it is still unmistakably them. The sounds are more metalic, and the drums have gotten more intense.

here's a better example of the range of difference in their change

so much stuff happened!

monday was just classes, i think? I'm not sure about everything I did. I know i ended up going to lunch by myself at tokyo shanghai bistro. I also saw a good friend, Sandy, who owns inspiration point bookstore. What a breath of fresh air. My socia problems professor said things that offended me as usual. that woman IS a social problem. She's under this impression that she's so forward thinking and that we're just these uneducated dolts who don't know shit about shit, but some of the issues she brings up really cause a stir in me because she will sometimes talk shit about things she has no clue about, or at the best a limited perspective/experience with. hmph!

Tuesday was okay. I had spanish all day mostly. class, then a break in between, and then the convo group. it was so nice, we sat out on the ashker's patio. we got our pictures taken for buffalo spree. i forget what for... what else? hm... I can't remember.

Wednesday, class, and made this yummy wrap from tunafish i've had FOREVER, and spinach, garlic, seasonings, cheddar, green salsa, and sour cream. I hade some delicious berries on the side.

then i ended up going with Rita to see Gloria Steinem speak at UB. It was a great talk, but nothing i was unfamiliar with or also didn't agree with. I was more focused on the ASL interpreters. I have met one of them before, years ago. they were so fascinating to watch. i'd like to retake asl and further my knowledge in it. i really loved it. maybe i could become an interpreter?

After, we went to wegmans to buy groceries to cook dinner together. we ate at her place and had drinks and sat around laughing and talking and discussing intense feelings as we are often apt to do together.

We really are like yin/yang versions of each other at times. She has such an interesting way of approaching things mentally/emotionally, and i think our ways of perceiving things really compliment and enhance each other's state of mind. She brings up things i may not think of and i bring up things she may not think of. I really enjoy discussing with her.

I think with a lot of friends I'm able to have depth-filled and introspective conversations with them, and i really get so much out of it. I feel like i figure out and learn so much just from sharing view points and considering all the sides we both have to offer. It really gives me a sense of fulfillment to share that with someone. Light conversation certainly has it's place and it's uses and as I grow older I am better learning it's importance, whereas previously i hated it (and sometimes still do) but not everyone can just jump straight into the deepend of the pool. they have to test the waters and wade out there as they make sure it's safe and comfortable. And, sometimes, it's the better way to go for me at times. Hm. thoughts... what weird things.

I slept over and thursday, upon waking up, ended up eating left overs for breakfast with blush mimosas. so much nomz....

after, I met emily for lunch at Madonna's, after deciding I wasn't going to campus first, and then deciding not to go to Cafe 59, or Don Tequila's to try it out. I did snag a menu though...

The food was so good. I ordered the smoked mozz sticks to share, and then a eggplant parm sub with pasta salad. I adore eggplant. especially smothered in sauce and cheese. I tried their blackberry lemonade+vodka smoothie... wow. those're dangerous.

I walked her back to work with baby in tow. So apparently she works at NYCLU! I had no idea! wow... there office is super interesting. I feel like you could live in it. then i went to code blu juice bar. I got the Pine-A-Go. Mango, banana, coconute water, and some type of yogurt/cream. it was so refreshing and tasty on this hot spring day. I was just what i needed. I've been there before and loved it just as much. I suggest it.

after, i went to campus wheels to buy some new tires and inner tubes. through this process, i learned how to take off tires, and replace them, how my quick release wheels work, and a few other things.

It's fun to figure these things out on your own. :) Tanya came with me to campus, and helped me get one of my tires back on - it was the presta wheel (i have mismatched wheels) and it was tough to get back on.

I would probably have sex with every single employee there. how are they all so hot?! it's like you have to meet a hotness quota to work there.and they are all such different types. i was so focused on one that i didn't notice that a guy standing next to me in line was literally glued to me the entire time. Tanya pointed it out. It's nice to look, but i am not quite sure i am up for touching yet.

I'm comfortable this way, I guess. Still have some things to think about before I move forward with any of that business, anyways.

What a beautiful, wonderful, fantastic day it was. I enjoyed every bit of it.

so i've been trying out different media players over the years in hopes of getting over itunes as my default player... but no other media player has ever come close to the basic things i want it to do and been able to function on my shitty old mac mini from '06. now that i've got a more up to date machine, i'm remembering that i can actually retry all of the things i previously couldn't because of either lack of sufficient memory or incompatibility. Woot!

so i decided to give songbird another try, and honestly, except for the organization abilities of itunes, it is my new default.

what i like about it:

• offers third-party music purchase options

• has add-on capabilities such as a lyrics display, instant messenger, twitter, LAST.FM for scrobbling (my main concern was whether or not it scrobbled) and you can even browse the internet on it in one tab, while your music library is open in another tab, WHAT.

• rips cd's, imports media without such an extensive analyzation process like itunes has

• can create normal and smart playlists, like itunes

• recognized my android phone and mounted it in the player and let me sync music files on it manually, without me having to navigate around a folder system. it was almost like the way itunes displays an iwhatever. maybe other programs do this, but it was the first time i've ever seen it. the best part was that it even copied over the filing system in place. It was pretty nice.

I guess i must be new to all this newness. I've been so out of touch with new programs and technology because of a lack of access.

Why i still want to use iTunes:

• the way it organizes my music library - maybe i haven't looked hard enough, but i still haven't found a media player that organizes my library for me like itunes does - i don't want to go back to organizing every piece of music i download into it's own folders when i can get a program to do that work for me. I mean, i can't believe anyone still bothers doing that.

As far as i am aware, songbird does not do this on my computer, but i have yet to explore this option. i can't find an options for it in preferences. hmmmm

Spotify:

• also scrobbles

• also plays my own personal library

• lets me play music i don't own

but i will never default to it. I will not pay for it, and honestly, i will probably only every use it to find new stuff t get from elsewhere so that i physically have it. I honestly don't understand the allure.... i guess it's awesome if you pay for it, but i don't want to. maybe one day.

Years ago, when this was songbird's icon (clicky) I found it and found out how cool it was but my feeble machine just could not keep up with it, and i had to give up it's awesomeness.

Now i can do lots of things. :) i'm excited.

so last i ended up cooking a big dinner for friends. Tanya, her boyfriend James Dean, Jens, and Rita all came over. I made a big ol' posta dish with peppers, mushrooms, onions, garlic, and some seasonings in this poblano alfredo. It was so. so. good. i didn't think it would be enough, so i decided to make another dish with TVP, sweet potato, and lentils, which also turned out great. they all brought beer and wine, and Rita brought this awesome feta apple salad. Michael joined us later.

I can't believe i didn't get a single photo of the evening. I had such a great night, and everyone made it a good time.

later, after everyone had left, i cleaned up and went for a really nice wal up and down norwood to either end. then i went down summer for a bit before turning around once it had gotten rainy enough.

the air was the perfect temperature and the right amount of moist and silky. I felt special but without anyone there to make me feel that way and I really liked it. I felt good again. It was one of those moments where you feel like everything is in it's right place and you just don't worry about a thing.

:)

i went to this event with Rita and her friend Lisa from california. it was at singer farm naturals in appleton, ny... saw some people i know, actually :) i made a pinwheel and a wind catcher! i felt 5 years old again - i've always loved a good pinwheel. i also met the sweetest dog. he was my pal, we totally chillaxed and i scratched his ears ^,^! later there were speakers. all threee were very good. the woman with 350.org was from fiji and presented a lot about climate change and the niagara-erie bicounty region (how it will affect) and i was very grabbed by it.

the night before, i came over and we went out on amherst st. it was interesting for sure. we got into this long conversation at an old man... anyone else would have ignored him or asked him to go away, but i deiced to carry on a conversation with him, and it paid off. the amount of entertaining things he had to say was innumerable. his anecdotal stories about te safety of biking vs the dangers of walker were pretty hilarious. i slept at her place after we left rohal's corner (or however you spell it)

after the relay for renewables we ended up hanging out at Olcott Beach, which was more of a town on a beach than it was so much an actual beach. it was really cute. i wanna go back when it's warmer to see the shops and things.

i babysat my nepphew on saturday, i think?

he's such a cute lil' guy. i love seeing him be a tiny human, discovering complex reactions to simple decisions.

he gave me such attitude! he's growing way too fast... i can't wait to meet adult Elliott.

i feel like these last 4 days have been a blur. what even happened?

i worked, and went to school wed - fri... well, except thursday. i have no school.

I've been really making an attempt to get up earlier. I usually wake up around 10 - 12 noon. but i have been setting my alarm for 7... and getting up by 8:30 - 9. it's an improvement, i guess. I decided to make an honest effort when i slept for 15ish hours straight and woke up at 7 something and realized how productive i felt in that early morning sunshine. it really does make a difference, and as much of a morning person that i am not, i felt for the first time in so long that maybe i could turn into one? i mean, i still cannot talk to anyone for the first 30 - 45 minutes, or really function, but it felt good to actually get a series of things done and walk around the city running errands, and then have the rest of my day ahead of me to do yet even more things that i don't even have planned. if i woke up early enough, i could actually have time to do all the things i thought only retired people have time to do. (or people who haven't been sleeping in until 2pm for the majority of their lives)

i know it seems pretty basic, but i have been such a late riser for my entire life, like, sleep until 1 - 3 pm late riser. if you could see the amount of absences and tardies on my high school transcripts i just recently got in the mail, you would most likely judge me. i used to sleep straight through my alarm for hours. I was so unbelievably difficult to wake up my mother literally gave up on me. sometimes i wouldn't even wake up to cold water. i've made significant strides since then. if i set my alarm early enough, then i can get up only sort of late.

at least it's an accomplishment to me... haha!

I finally completed all the steps for applying to UB. the last thing i was putting off was writing them a letter explaining my gap between schooling. I just didn't feel like i could write it until i got this one assigment done, and it just really made no sense at all. i could have done it two weeks ago, really. i'm such a procrastinator. I also finally filled out my application for the UB school of dental medicine (to be a patient) so now all i need is the 50 dollar application fee. can't it be waived??? c'mon.

I helped (e:paul) bust up the bathroom a bit today after stopping over and having some lunchyfood. i'm still getting plaster out of my ears. I'm always amazed at how much stuff (e:terry) and paul get done in a day, especially since they work such long hours. I'm practically spent after a 5 - 6 hour shift. I'm so easy going, but sometimes i think it might be better to have more of a "get it done" attitude about things. I think a tendency towards escapism also does not help. I can find 98734698736 things to do on the internet when an assignment is due.

__

i had been sort of talking to a few different people recently but i'm pretty over it. I was never really invested to begin with, and i just really can't give much of a shit at the moment. I just don't have it in me yet, i guess.

there just seems to be this perpetual pattern of miss-matchedness of wants/needs with myself and other people. they want from me what i don't want from them, or i want from them what they do not want from me, whether it be physical/emotional/mental... it just seems i can never find that meeting point, or if i can, there's some sort of element of impossibility to it. this has been happening, really, since i've been old enough to be with another person physically or romantically. It even happens within my relationships, even though they typically seem to be going perfectly from the outside perspective.

I guess I really can't look at it as a factor of "what's wrong with me?" because that's never really totally it, and self-blame is really only self-destructive. i could chalk it up to "shit happens" but it's difficult to not wonder why this happens.

__

i've been debating about my study abroad. I really want to go to europe but i hate iberian spanish. i really want to go to south america, but it just seems so unstable in a lot of parts. oh, spanish major.

I wanna go somewhere but i'm afraid of student loans. I need to do it for myself. for my own sense of expansion. my own sense of accomplishment.

oh, life. always lifeing.

I'm always fascinated the characters you see on busses.

you can't see it well, but as this woman sat in front of me, she abruptly turned to write GOD 4LYF on the window condensation.

it was just a private moment of quiet amusement.