My baby girl will turn 1 year old on Tuesday, Nov 20th!!! We had her first b-day party yesterday and it was a lot of fun! A very good friend of mine that I went to the rainbow gathering with a couple of years ago ( see Spirit Revival- 7/16/04) ran into me 2 summers ago upon his return home to Buffalo. I was 6 months pregnant and having trouble finding a job, so he introduced me to his dad who owned 2 printing/mailing businesses. His dad hired me to do some telemarketing, calling non-profit organizations and asking them if they needed help with their newsletters, appeal letters.. things of that nature. Also stuffing and sealing and stamping thousands of letters at a time!!. It worked out well, and when I was put on bed rest in the beginning of last November he got a computer and a phone for me to set up my office at home. ( which has been a huge blessing so I didn't have to pay for child care for my newborn. Because of that I have had the most gracious opportunity to be with my child and watch her grow. I can't describe how amazing this has been- those of you with with children probably already know. ( I had never envisioned myself as a mother of my own children. I figured I would adopt some child that had already been dealt a shitty hand on this planet and fix it for them. but even at that I was pretty annoyed by infants- i hated those ppl that take babies to movie theaters, when my friends baby would wake me up in the middle of the night i would wish in my head that someone would just shut that thing up! Up until Hannah I had never even held an infant. I was great with kids ages 3 and up- but NO experience with babies. watching her over this last year has been a whole new side of life for me-( by the time I was 23 I had 8 people who were very close to me pass away.starting at 12 years old 5 of them had been close freinds my own age at the times of their deaths. 3 of my natural grandparents are still living today- and 1 of them died before I was even born.) so having this little love has been so refreshing!!! Take into consideration that she really is a total angel! SHe has her moments, and when she was very young she went through a 2 week period of total colic, but so many people keep telling me they've never seen a baby as easy as her- and that I have no idea how blessed I am. ( now I can't even pass a baby in a grocery store without thinking " oh the precious little baby"!!!) So I also have been blessed with so many people that love and care about us! My friends parents have been a great part of that blessing over this last year. They have pretty much adopted us into their wonderful family, and my heart was overwhelmingly thankful when they decided they'd like to have this birthday party to share with us the celebration of her 1st year. My mother has also been a huge blessing in this past year- as we have bonded in a way that we haven't been able to in a very long time. It's truly amazing the side of ourselves that we meet when we have our own children. Watching them grow is truly a miracle- new sounds, new faces, first teeth, big smiles ( and tears that just break your heart into pieces!!!)
Thank you for letting me share this all with you! Hopefully I will have the pictures posted up here soon!

yeah, so i missed my shift and quit my job after working for you for 3 weeks..... this is what i get for calling to apologize and ask for a second chance???? I was warned that you were a fucking pervert...yet she said "don't worry, you're not his type" well J, looks like he has no type.
"id like to discuss this with you in person,get to know you a little better..... why don't you call me.... I'll pick you up and bring you back to my place.....I'd like to see what you'd be willing to do to get your job back...... i'd just like to know that whatever we work out doesn't get back to the other girls......"

It makes me fucking sick! Old fat mid-life crisis scumbags see a young single mother like me and think we must be hard up for means of survival. And what makes it even worse is that some women are actually willing to succumb to these pathetic antics and thats why sick bastards like you continue to get away with these behaviors.
Look at me..... I'm a pretty girl. If I were the type of girl to suck a dick to keep a job it certainly wouldn't be yours you ugly fuck. Not for a worthless $7 an hour job doing what i did for you!!! No, you wannabe Big Shot. And I feel terribly sorry for any girl who really thinks that little of themselves. I almost feel obligated to expose you to the people of our city and let them know who's pockets they're choosing to put their $$$ in, knowing that I may also be saving the next poor girl who may not have the intelligence and self esteem that I have.
But you sir, are in luck. this is as far as I will go because in my heart i know that my daughter and whatever she needs come 1st.... my pride and my ego will have to take this hit for the team. But I would suggest that you stop being so quick to underestimate those you consider disadvantaged. Dont worry, I wont tell the other girls what happened between you and I.... judging from how casually that shit came out of your mouth I'm sure there are many out there who already know all about you.




IN THE TIMES OF MY DEEPEST TROUBLES, THOSE TIMES THAT i MAY FORGET WHO I AM AND WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF- WHEN CIRCUMSTANCES SEEM TO LEAVE ME ALMOST DESPERATE.....i WILL REMEMBER THAT GOD IS MY PROVIDER, AND MY EXPERIENCE HAS SHOWN ME TIME AND TIME AGAIN THAT IF I KEEP MY HEART OPEN I WILL BE ABLE TO RECEIVE THE GIFTS THAT COME MY WAY. I NEVER GO WITHOUT ANYTHING I NEED, OR SINCERELY ASK FOR. I HAVE BEEN HOMELESS, YET NEVER UNSHELTERED OR UNPROTECTED. I HAVE BEEN BROKE, YET HAVE NEVER GONE HUNGRY OR UNCLOTHED. I HAVE BEEN EVEN MORE THAN I HAVE MENTIONED-AND YET I HAVE MORE THAN I NEED TO BE HAPPY. ANYTHING I NEED FINDS ITS WAY TO ME, $$$ IN MY POCKET OR NOT. SO THIS HERE OBSTACLE.... THIS TOO IS NOTHING THAT A LITTLE FAITH AND PATIENCE CAN'T HANDLE. ( A LITTLE REALLY DOES GO A LONG WAY WHEN YOU LET IT!!! )
LOVE IS THE LAND THAT I STAND ON.THE WIND MAY BE BLOWING SHARP OBJECTS IN ALL DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS- AND I MAY BE CUT UP AND BLEEDING DUE TO THIS STORM BUT YOU BEST BELIEVE THAT AFTER THE ELEMENTS HAVE SUBSIDED I WILL STILL BE STILL BE STANDING HERE!!!! AND SO IT IS!!!!!!

Dear sir,
I know that you will probably never read this, as i realized at the last minute that you are a blind man... but i wanted to apologize for almost running you down on my bike yesterday. i was 100% sober as i was cruising the strip, on my way to start my new job. I yelled "excuse me", and kept cruising... i saw your wife move out of the way and so i thought that you would too. What I should have done was break right then and there instead of assuming that you would be the one to move for me to pass . But I didn't, and by the time i put on my breaks it was too late, my front wheel was between your legs and your butt was up against my handlebars. Had I still been going you surely would've been knocked to the ground. ( I was reminded of the time i was a child, just learning to ride a bike, and i really did run over my friends grandmother. Maybe thats why this is still on my conscience) When you turned around I saw your walking stick and felt like a total asshole. (Even if you hadn't been blind I still would've felt terrible, but this just put the icing on the cake...) I put my hand on your shoulder and I must have apologized 10 times, and you had a smile on your face as you told me, "don't worry, it's ok." I appreciate that smile, because you could've been a huge jerk to me, But it's not ok, and I really am sorry for my lack of consideration.
From this moment on I promise to be more cautious and considerate while riding my bike.

of course, if this were going to become a reality, the blueprint for this plan would have to be much more thought out than whatever i just came up with a 3 am this morning. The whole DNA testing thing, it completely devastates me when i think about innocent people being put to death (or spending any length of time in jail for that matter). I stand firm on the fact that i don't think we have the right to kill anyone...even if they murdered 100 people. i didn't take the DNA testing into consideration- which makes me feel even stronger about keeping them alive to serve a better purpose. What good is that evidence if theyre already dead??? Using them for testing wouldnt be killing them....but anyway
to (e:Drew)- you may have missed my question about the fear of the death penalty not stopping these people from comitting these acts... or going to jail for life, For many of these people jail is considered a safe haven... whatever. Im just wondering if another alternative might make them think twice about their own life and how theyd like to live it.
Our constitution is constantly being amended to reflect modern times... I think cruel and unusual punishment might make a difference.
Also, the psychological effects: I think it would make people more humanized, compared to the "animal" in the cage.... look at the people who run our systems... you mean to tell me that theyre not already de-SENSITIZED? Have you ever been to jail?I think because we're treating these people so kindly, the people running everything despise them for their acts and no longer see them as human anyway. I could be terribly wrong here, but i think any human with emotion seeing another in a cage like that would actually bring out sympathy.. and compassion maybe even... which is what i think these people need. To just Kill killers and wipe them off the face of the planet..what is that teaching anyone?? I think the families would accept this as the persons punishment, punishment they ASKED FOR by committing horrible crimes that would have left them to be killed ... and would rather have their family members alive than dead because of their terrible mistakes. I don't know exactly what we'd do with these people after their testing period was over, but I havent gotten that far into this here...whatever you want to call it. Theory, hypothesis..whatever.
I think that medical testing on people who have comitted horrendous acts of violence would not only set a precedent in our country,and set an example to many, but it may even give the criminals a newfound respect for their own lives, and their own humanity. Kind of like the SAW movies... in a sick twisted way....people who have taken the miracle of life for granted.. when faced with death what would they willing to give to have their lives back....
it may or may not work, but its something to ponder.

Why are we wasting valuble bodies of people on death row when we could be donating them to science and using them as test subjects instead of rats and other animals??? Aside from the animal rights point of views... i hold those, too, don't get me wrong.. but seriously...we spend all this $$$ housing people in jails until they're put to death, all the while knowing that we're just going to kill them. Just like we spend all this $$$ on testing animals that have resemblances to the human make up, and re testing and testing some more... why do that when we could just test actual human beings? If the idea of being put to death does nothing to stop a person from comitting a serious crime, would the idea of being treated like an animal? A real animal... not in a jail where criminals get to sleep on beds and eat real food and change their underwear... I mean throw them naked into a cage full of that rat bedding shit and feed them dogfood... yeah it might sound inhumane but theyre serious criminals...who would have otherwise been put to death. Their lives would be spared (minus whatever effects the tests have), stop the "eye for an eye" mentality and the controversy surrounding that notion...(we don't have a right to put someone to death even though they killed someone else) .... and use their already wasted lives to eventually save thousands of others who may actually do something positive for this planet. Let them die with some kind of real dignity while saving taxpayers a little bit of cash, or putting that $$ to better use. People make their own choices, and if you choose to live like an animal despite your humanity then thats obviously what you want so why the hell not?? Im sure that there are people out there that have already thought this through, but i've never heard this theory so I think im an absolute genious because it just sounds so damn practical!!! Too practical for people in power to come up with on their own. To whomever thought about this shit first... IM WITH YA ALL THE WAY!!!!! SAVE ANIMALS, SAVE LIVES, SAVE $$$$. seriously... its a win win situation!!!!

hey all... this is pretty silly......

Yesterday was my 25th bday. I started the day hanging out with my sis and her bf, just chillen and drinkin beers. My sis bought me a pretty flower and this phatty hemp that im displaying and a pair of brown flipflops. The necklace and the shoes matched the outfit i chose to wear so perfectly! I felt like such a hottie!! Then my awesome friend Oda brought me a really intense chocolate sucker that rocked my world. So we drank more beers...not that we needed to.... and they built me a little firepit in our driveway thats supposed to be the back yard. my sis's bf built the pit and Oda, the stud that she is, would go off to pee and miraculously come back with a ton of wood for our fire. That was really hot! ROCK ON ODA!!!! we figured if we couldn't be at the rainbow family gathering we might as well create a similar atmosphere! How crazy! This is how we party in the ghetto!!! We decieded to split the last chocolate sucker somewhere around 10 or 11 pm. why not, right? we burned the fire til 7am, which really was a dumb idea because we burnt a hole in our driveway. But it was fun anyway, so i don't really care right now. I love the fact that I have the coolest friends that will do the silliest crazy shit with me! And it means so much to me that my family and friends will go to so many lengths to show me that they love me and appreciate my presence in their lives. THANK YOU FOR BEING SO WONDERFUL!!!!

my x called me yesterday. I almost didn't answer the phone. It was the middle of the day, even in his timezone, and he sounded completely sober. I was really hungover...I went to a wedding with an older lady friend of mine and since I didn't know anyone, and there was an open bar...i decided to indulge. My baby was at my friends parents house, so I had yet another excuse to pound the bourbon and cokes.... So anyway, he calls me. "What the fuck do you want from me?" I didn't know what else to say. Timing just sucked. My mom was over and my sis was going off on some bitchy tangent... I didn't even do anything. i was so pissed. I'm surprised he didn't hang up on me. but wtf, its been a year. we broke up 4/20/06....an we tortured each other emotionally for months thereafter. and I mean torture. Everything with us is fire.... whether its good or bad its just so damn hot! Never in my life have i felt this kind of intensity.
We talked, and he divulged the fact that he misses me, and he still loves me. He says he's coming to see me and the baby. He doesn't ever say things just to make me feel better. When he says things like this, he really does mean them in the heat of that moment. but when the moment is over, so is whatever emotional outburst just happened... and then its like nothing happened at all. I played the game, back and forth, I love you, I hate you, I miss you, i hope i never see you again...no matter what shit I tell myself, or what anyone else has to say ( and believe me, people sure don't hesitate to voice their opinions) no matter how much i try to despise him, it always comes back to I love you......
Is he really coming? is he really going to come here all the way from Colorado to set this thing straight with me? he said it perfect when he said that we either need closure or we need to start a new chapter....my heart and my head can't seem to reach a common conclusion.
But its been a year, baby. so much has happened. so much. I would really like to think that we can forgive each other for the crimes we both committed against our love. People strive so hard to create in their relationships what we just naturally had... the intimacy, the passion, the magic....... and even from opposite sides of the country you still felt me...our energies were still so damn in tune...what the hell would the point of any of this be...if you werent meant to be my love?????

I wrote this poem on my myspace page, a friend of mine was making fun of how hairy my legs get sometimes. I liked it so I thought i would share it with all of you as well!


I take a half an hour to shave my legs and then/3 days later they're gettin hairy again./ I let my armpit hair grow/ so my BO flows right to ya nose./ just to see whos attracted to my pheromones./my pubic region hairily exploads/ to avoid the razor burns and bumpy roads. / i let it get as bad as it can get/ then i get in the tub and shave every inch of it yet/ every hair from my pits to below my bum/ just so you can get some clean licks in....YUM!!!!