Yesterday was my 25th bday. I started the day hanging out with my sis and her bf, just chillen and drinkin beers. My sis bought me a pretty flower and this phatty hemp that im displaying and a pair of brown flipflops. The necklace and the shoes matched the outfit i chose to wear so perfectly! I felt like such a hottie!! Then my awesome friend Oda brought me a really intense chocolate sucker that rocked my world. So we drank more beers...not that we needed to.... and they built me a little firepit in our driveway thats supposed to be the back yard. my sis's bf built the pit and Oda, the stud that she is, would go off to pee and miraculously come back with a ton of wood for our fire. That was really hot! ROCK ON ODA!!!! we figured if we couldn't be at the rainbow family gathering we might as well create a similar atmosphere! How crazy! This is how we party in the ghetto!!! We decieded to split the last chocolate sucker somewhere around 10 or 11 pm. why not, right? we burned the fire til 7am, which really was a dumb idea because we burnt a hole in our driveway. But it was fun anyway, so i don't really care right now. I love the fact that I have the coolest friends that will do the silliest crazy shit with me! And it means so much to me that my family and friends will go to so many lengths to show me that they love me and appreciate my presence in their lives. THANK YOU FOR BEING SO WONDERFUL!!!!

my x called me yesterday. I almost didn't answer the phone. It was the middle of the day, even in his timezone, and he sounded completely sober. I was really hungover...I went to a wedding with an older lady friend of mine and since I didn't know anyone, and there was an open bar...i decided to indulge. My baby was at my friends parents house, so I had yet another excuse to pound the bourbon and cokes.... So anyway, he calls me. "What the fuck do you want from me?" I didn't know what else to say. Timing just sucked. My mom was over and my sis was going off on some bitchy tangent... I didn't even do anything. i was so pissed. I'm surprised he didn't hang up on me. but wtf, its been a year. we broke up 4/20/06....an we tortured each other emotionally for months thereafter. and I mean torture. Everything with us is fire.... whether its good or bad its just so damn hot! Never in my life have i felt this kind of intensity.
We talked, and he divulged the fact that he misses me, and he still loves me. He says he's coming to see me and the baby. He doesn't ever say things just to make me feel better. When he says things like this, he really does mean them in the heat of that moment. but when the moment is over, so is whatever emotional outburst just happened... and then its like nothing happened at all. I played the game, back and forth, I love you, I hate you, I miss you, i hope i never see you again...no matter what shit I tell myself, or what anyone else has to say ( and believe me, people sure don't hesitate to voice their opinions) no matter how much i try to despise him, it always comes back to I love you......
Is he really coming? is he really going to come here all the way from Colorado to set this thing straight with me? he said it perfect when he said that we either need closure or we need to start a new chapter....my heart and my head can't seem to reach a common conclusion.
But its been a year, baby. so much has happened. so much. I would really like to think that we can forgive each other for the crimes we both committed against our love. People strive so hard to create in their relationships what we just naturally had... the intimacy, the passion, the magic....... and even from opposite sides of the country you still felt me...our energies were still so damn in tune...what the hell would the point of any of this be...if you werent meant to be my love?????

I wrote this poem on my myspace page, a friend of mine was making fun of how hairy my legs get sometimes. I liked it so I thought i would share it with all of you as well!


I take a half an hour to shave my legs and then/3 days later they're gettin hairy again./ I let my armpit hair grow/ so my BO flows right to ya nose./ just to see whos attracted to my pheromones./my pubic region hairily exploads/ to avoid the razor burns and bumpy roads. / i let it get as bad as it can get/ then i get in the tub and shave every inch of it yet/ every hair from my pits to below my bum/ just so you can get some clean licks in....YUM!!!!

Hey all! I just wanted to put a couple pics of my baby Hannah and I to let everyone know how absolutely adorable she is!

i havent written in a long time but id like to enlist the help of the e-strip community in finding our cat, 40(oz), aka KITTY...aka Samantha. She's been gone for 2 and a half days now, and she's never been gone this long!!!! Shes black, with a white belly and white spots on her paws. She has green eyes and she's wearing a blue-greenish flea collar. I don't have a picture right now but hopefully we'll get one on here soon.
We live next to Panos, so Im sure she'd be around the panos/ buff state area. My big hope is that someone found her and took her in because of the cold. i wont say what my biggest fear is.... But shes a great cat and if anyone has seen her PLEASE PLEASE let me or Oda know. THANKS ALL!!!!

I must have hit a wrong button or something. Anyway, I am coming home probably at the end of this week to see my friends and family for the thanksgiving holiday. Since Im not really sure how to get ahold of most of my friends if anyone wants to drop me a line leaving a number that would be really cool. I do have things to write about in my journal but i think I am going to wait for another time. I LOVE YOU BUFFALO!!!!!!!!

Hi all in my hometown....Especially to my friends because I really miss you all so much. I havent been able to access this site from my computer in a while(at least to log in and write an entry) but it appears all is well and working now.

Hi all in my hometown....Especially to my friends because I really miss you all so much. I havent been able to access this site from my computer in a while(at least to log in and write an entry) but it appears all is well and working now.

Hey all! I am very happy to turn this zygote of a journal into it's next phase of life! But, before I begin, a couple things to mention.
1) To those who may know me and my situation, in the process of moving while I was away my bf had to leave my 32" TV behind at a respectable friends house on the west side.It was $500, including 4 year warranty that has about 2 and a half left. I'm looking to get 2-250$$. I AM VERY BROKE at this moment in San diego, so anyone who may be interested PLEASE e-mail me to discuss details.
Notes to special people:
EMILY- I love you soooo much! You were so right, this trip was amazingly POSITIVE and all forces were working in our favor. I felt you there in spirit, especially with KT (who went nuts cuz i kept forgetting her name is THUMBELLINA..LOL) and baby Orizon. Maybe next year we could share the experience together.
MIKE H- Thank you so much for gathering the energy to overcome the experience directly before this trip, and encouraging me to take this journey despite the doubts either of us may have had. I hope that you had as great a time as i did, and i hope your journey to vancouver and wherever else you may have found yourself was equally satisfying.
I really hope you take the time to record your expereinces as well, especially because I'm excited to see how we both came out. Talk to you soon hun!!!
Ok, now for the first part of my trip. Mike and I got on the greyhound in buffalo. After a pretty relaxing and meditative 2 and half day bus ride, we arrived in Reno, Nevada. By the time we got off the bus, there were 9 of us headed to the Rainbow Family Gathering in Madeline, CA. ( Me and Mike, Melissa, Lavina and Clyde, Travis and SY, Mandy, and another Mike) We take the city bus to where the driver says there is supposed to be a motel, but it turns out the motel is like 2 miles down a highway. Madeline was over 200 miles away. Knowing that we can't all hitch together we break up into groups of 4 (minus the older mike, he found a place to crash out for the night and would hitch out the next day)
Travis, SY, Mandy and I decided we would try to hitch to this motel, but then thought splitting a cab would be better. Well, there was no motel even there, but the cabby was cool and took us into susanville, where it would be easier to hitch a ride to the gathering. He knew we were out of towners, and had fun telling us wild stories about "cuyots" and to beware of bathrooms for black widows, because "they kill more people than cancer"
he drops us off at this rest stop where we find shelter under a pavillion. "Out of sight, out of mind," they say. We had a teddy bear picnic with chips and trail mix and Travis's hummice and crackers. All set up and ready to sleep in our sleeping bags....until Travis freaks in the dark. We're like, whats going on? He shines his flashlight under the little picnic bench to reveal a big black spider crawling around on a web. "has anyone ever seen a real black widow?" The cabbys lighthearted scare came back into play and we all got the heebie jeebies. since we don't know for sure we wont take any chances. The girls douse themselves with bug spray while the guys joke about being eaten alive. Eventually we settle down and go to sleep.
The next morning we awoke early. it was cute to find that 2 other "kids" (All rainbow family are considered kids) had sought shelter in our pavillion as well. Mandy and I find a couple, Jen and Brian, who are willing to pack us two and all our gear in their tiny car and drive us with them to the Gathering. Travis and SY leave before us to go to the road and hitch out.
Its important to my story to explain a little about Mandy and her situation, especially since it turned out to be our trip in a weird way. It wasn't her intention to attend the Rainbow gathering, she knew absolutely nothing about the family or really even any of the under
ly
ing concepts that gatherings are built on. She got on the bus in Ohio and she was on her way to San Francisco, basicaly because she had never been there and wanted to see the city. after talking to her at various rest and layover stops, we had learned that she had no place to stay in San Fran (with her whole life in her suitcases) and she had just quit the carnival after being on the road for quite some time. it was evident that she was mature beyond her 17 years, but still we were concerned about her safety and what she might experience being alone in a city like San Fran. So, we took her innocent ignorance of the Rainbows and used our different extents of knowledge to recruit her!!! At this point we were sure that she was about to experience some things that she has never been shown, including TRUST and LOVE exchanged amongst thousands of complete strangers. I myself had never experienced anything like this, but she had no clue. So she got off the bus with us in Reno ,where we began this journey together.
So we rode with Jen and Brian, all cramped up until they took us to the post office, where mandy was able to rid herself hundreds of dollars worth of clothes and beauty supplies. Stripped down to her necessities, we got back in the car A LOT more cumfy and rode the rest of the way to the gathering.
This is where I'm going to end pt1 because i'm not even sure if this whole entry is going to publish. Stay tuned for pt 2!!!!!!

im leaving buffalo.....its my time to explore, at least our country...
to paul matt and terry, i think i mightve got tooo fucked up at your house, im sorry, really.
to chris....youre what, 8 yearrrs older than me, and you call ME a baby....you wont miss me either...to TK.....thanks for your hugs baba...im gonna miss you for real.

maybe i'll come back....but im gonna smile at the sun in cali for all y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wont forget my home city! thank you all