Hope is a bitch of an emotion. I get caught up in it. Hoping for... something, which leads to expectations and that is always dangerous. The reality is never what I hope for and then I am, once again, disappointed. Unfortunately, I seem to be hard-wired to be hopeful. I cannot seem to learn. :/

Paid off my 4th credit card yesterday! It was my largest balance and I had been paying on it for just over 2 years & now, FINALLY!, it is PAID OFF!!! That makes 4 paid off this year. 2 more to go & those will be paid off August 25th & September 7th, respectively. Plus, in 2 weeks, I sign up for the First Home Buyers Club so I will officially start saving for my house! Feels pretty damn good, I must say myself. Have a peach of a day E-strippers! Try & keep cool.

Yep, I'm definitely going to San Francisco. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I'm tired of regretting what I *haven't* done! So, my trip is booked and I will be going to San Fran. on August 17th- just for a weekend. San Francisco! I can't wait to see the city! And, I have to admit, I can't wait to see the guy that lives there, too, but I'm more excited about the city! I'll let you know how it goes, E-peeps...

These are the thoughts in my head. They go round and round and round until I feel like I'm going to scream. I perseverate and analyze and drive myself, generally crazy. Right now I'm trying to find my way around my future- immediate, almost immediate, a year distant, and God knows beyond that.

Immediate future- pretty much have decided to end the relationship w/ my "Special Friend." Reason, he's not into me, not really. It was, on one level, working, but for the rest of my many levels, it's really not. I'm not angry or upset about this. It has run it's course, come to it's ending and just is.

Almost immediate future- moving to a Spending Money Cash Only basis. I suck with money. Always have. I have decided that from henceforth, I will use my debit card to pay bills and to buy gas for all other purposes, I can only use cash. I get weird with actual money. I get almost stingy. With my debit card, I don't pay attention to what I'm spending and get into hot water. On the upset of financial news, soon to have paid off 4 credit cards! & 2 more will be paid off by September 7. Also, next month, I'm going to set up my First Home Buyers Savings Account!

Almost Immediate future (cont'd)- this has to do w/ a person. I am hoping to go and visit someone who lives in San Francisco. Is this my wisest move? Probably not considering our history. How do you trust the guy that you slept with who didn't tell you he was married until 2 months AFTER? We have Insane chemistry & now, he's divorced. I very much want to go see him... trying to figure out how I'm going to afford it. It's all very confusing.

A year distant- This is related to the First Home Buyer's Savings Account- finding the perfect house for me, in the City of Buffalo. At least, I think I'm going to buy in the City. Things could change, drastically, and this is the thought that plagues me...

Ug, I just wish I could look into a Crystal Ball and get all of the answers. Clarity would be beautiful. See, my thoughts really do go round and round and where they'll stop, I don't know!

Lately, I've been on this mission- pay off old debts. When I was substitute teaching for four years, I was in financial dire straights. When I was still working for the bank and had a regular paycheck that could be relied upon, my credit was really good, I paid my bills on time (for the most part) and everything was honkey dorey. When I left the financial security for the obscurity of substitute teaching- a necessary evil if you actually plan on getting a teaching job here in WNY- well, all of that crumbled and every credit card that I had went down the creek. At this current space in time, I am in the process of repairing all of that mess. I have a teaching job that is, seemingly, secure and so I am now fixing what I screwed up. I will have 4 of them paid off by the end of June, another by the end of August and the last paid off, hopefully, in September. I don't know if I would have been so keen on fixing my debacle in such short order if it hadn't dawned on me that I would really like to own my own home. In order for me to do that, I have to fix my credit. I am, in fact, finally striving to be an Adult- face my fears and fix my messes! Hopefully, I'll be able to buy my own house within the next year and I am hoping to find that house in the city. It was a sad, sad moment when I realized that what I pay in gas for my car could actually pay a mortgage! Fingers crossed, e-strippers, that I will be able to keep my focus and not get side tracked by inanities! In the past, I have always been my own worse saboteur!

So, I know that in my November re-cap I mentioned that I recently taken a relationship from being "Just Friends" to being "Friends with Benefits." It's still going on. We've know each other since we were, I don't know- 12 maybe. We went to school and in Jr. High and High School had friends in common. In fact, one of best friends at the time had a wicked, wicked crush on him even though she was dating (and eventually married) one of his best friends. Back then, I thought that he was funny and was a total man whore and that was it. Neither of us had any interest in the other, whatsoever. We graduated high school. I went to college. He went into the Army. He came back home, bought his great uncle's house, had a kid with a married woman, & got a decent job. I spent that time just trying to get my shit together. (Honestly, I'm still working on that!) In short, we went our separate ways but the funny thing was that whenever we ran into each other, which was rare, he would always hit on me. I never thought anything of it. As I said, he was a man whore. Flirting came as naturally to him as breathing and I was one of the few females that he hadn't slept with and he didn't know anyone that I had slept with. Then 2 New Year's Eves ago, I was out with my brother, sister-in-law, and best friend and I ran into him. We exchanged numbers but neither of us ever used them. They just kind of took up space in the memories of our phones. This past October, I wished him a Happy Birthday on his Facebook page, something that I usually do. No big deal, really, but after that, he started texting me, thanking me for the birthday wish and then we began flirting. The texts were getting lustier and lustier and finally, after 3 weeks or so, I just asked him if he wanted to make out. I went over to his house and the rest is kind of current history.

Originally, I thought that we had nothing in common but the fact that we went to high school together and as far as I was concerned, well, why not hook up. It was no big deal. It was super fun and the man's got some skills! Actually, as it turns out, we do have things in common and he makes me laugh. The more we get together, the more I want him. And things are getting, well, more tender. We do actually care about each other. This Friday, I got the distinct feeling that he actually wanted me to stay. I confess, I'm truly beginning to actually like him and I don't know what to do about it. He really is a very good man but he's perfectly content to be a single guy. I am not content to be a single woman. I'm tired of it. So I ask you, what's a girl to do?

Has it been, how shall I put this, an interesting year for any other e-stripper? It began with the little boy of an acquaintance of mine being electrocuted by a 220 line on New Year's Eve and passing away on the 10th of January. Then, on January 17th, my best friend's mother, our very own Dimartiste, her mother had a massive, extremely unexpected heart attack and passed away on the 20th of January. She's doing remarkably well, all things considered, but she and her mother were so very, very close. And she's been so busy helping to deal with everything and take care of her very ill father that she's barely had any time to deal with her own grief. In my own world, I got into another car accident in my beloved new car after going to the hospital to say goodbye to Dimartiste's mother. It sucked. I wound up in the ditch directly across the street from my driveway after 3 attempts to make it up the hill because it was snowing like a son of a bitch that night! Fortunately, the car was fixed and I was not injured but it still sucked.

Did I mention that in December I got a cat? He's lovely. He's four. A retired breeding male that I re-named Rhys. I got this cat because I've missed having a pet, particularly a cat. He's at the door when I come home from work and sleeps with me at night. I love feeling his little body against mine on the other side of the covers. A shadow has crept in on this happy little scene, however. 5 weeks ago, my mother and I rushed him to the emergency vet because he was having a hard time breathing. Turns out, he has asthma. And now, as I sit here writing this, I'm riding out the 3rd asthma attack in 24 hours! I'm waiting, praying for asthma meds to kick in so that I don't have to rush him back to the emergency vet. (I took him on Thursday morning at 6 a.m.) Frankly, I cannot afford another emergency visit. And so I wait and I pray, fervently hoping that as soon as this post is done, he'll be breathing easier and I won't have to borrow money from my parents to take him in for a breathing treatment and some oxygen. It's funny, one of the reasons that I got him was to help me cope with the stress from my very stressful job and yet he just adds to the worry and vexations. I love him. Lord knows I do. I'll keep you posted...

There is some interesting if not good news as well but I'll save that for later! :)

Not really. Actually, today I feel triumphant because I started my day quite in the doldrums and managed to actually snap myself out of it! It's amazing what giving into the pity-party of depression and having a good cry can do for a person, followed by a firm decision to go and see the Muppet Movie, rather than go to Church, and then head on over to the Botanical Gardens and spend some time there! I also made a pit stop at Target to pick up the soundtrack to the Muppet Movie which I am currently rocking in my car because it continues to make me happy! :)

It's been an interesting month what with starting it by finding a trombone in the parking lot next to my old car on the first of November, then my brother winning the Lackawanna Mayoral election on the 8th of November, and then me getting into a car accident and totaling my car on the 10th of November. And, oh yeah, on that same day, I went to the chiropractor for the first time ever and he discovered that somewhere between 10 and 15 years ago that I had broken my lower back and never knew it, which then firmly took me out of continuing on my quest for roller derby. Let's not forget that I got promoted and got my own classroom which started on November 7th. Last Friday, I took a friendship out of "Just being friends" into "Friends with Benefits" (something I'd NEVER done before!) Also in November I gave my number to the cute Goat Cheese Guy (another first for me). On Tuesday, November 22nd, I got my new car, my dream car- a Beetle. Sure it's a 2003 and a convertible but it's a Beetle and it has less miles than my old car! Damn, It's been one HELL of a month! Wow. I didn't realize quite how intense this month has been for me until I actually wrote it all down. No wonder I was an emotional mess this weekend!

My least favorite question in the world- Why are you still single? Or it's cousin, How are you still single? I don't f@#$-ing know!!!! This question is almost always followed by, "You're so great (wonderful, awesome- pick your own adverb and insert)!" I know people mean well when they ask this question, but it really stings, particularly when it's coupled w/ rejection from a "special friend" no matter how good the excuse, and the knowledge that that guy that I was crazy in love with for so long is in town this weekend and I will be seeing him on Sunday. (Admittedly, there might also be some early PMS seeping into this equation) Anyway you look at it, it's not a good combination and I feel, well, rather low. :( I am not happy. I feel rather like Bridget Jones in the first movie, at the dinner party with the smug marrieds. I hate that feeling. I think I need to stop watching the "Say Yes to the Dress" marathon on TLC. It's not helping.