I'd never before realized just how much I look at the world in black and white. Sure, I know that there's grey area, I often argue FOR the grey area, but in my life, I really do see things as "This is this, and that is that. Period." This weekend, amidst my floundering emotions, I discovered some very important things. First of all, I learned that when it comes to the Boy, what I think I know and what I actually know, are two very different things. I make assumptions about him, a very stupid thing to do, and then I build upon that assumption, driving myself to, well, where I was yesterday and Saturday. It's very humbling to realize that *I* am the one who has driven me to the brink of despair, not him. It was all my assumptions. In my defense, How was I to know that he wasn't going to get in until late Saturday night, rather than Friday night, and that he was driving in rather than flying. He never told me, so I made assumptions. Stupid, stupid girl. And I learned some interesting things about him when I spoke to hm, things that completely shocked me. He is neither a Republican (again which I assumed) nor a Democrate. He doesn't like political parites, nor politicians. He is conservative when it comes to fiscal responsibility, but liberal in his social ideals. And he doesn't believe in forcing his ideals upon someone else. You live your life and he'll live his. These are things that I didn't know about him, and yet it says so very much. But mostly what it tells me is that I have to throw out the window every idea I ever had of him and just discover. I love him more than ever and it's because of what I'm just finding out. He doesn't deserve to be burned at the stake. SpringFaerie deserves to be flogged for her rampant stupidity and blindness. I shall have to just let go and let him be him instead of what I think I want him to be, because frankly, the person whom I'm discovering is a hell of a lot more interesting.

Okay, I'm not anywhere near as angry as I was earlier today, due to the fact that I sat down, had a bit of a cry, read a chapter in my new book ironically titled, "How to Meet Cute Boys". It's a novel and it's funny. I also ate dinner, tried to take a nap but it was too hot in my room, and finally, FINALLY began work on my resume. Actually, the resume is done as far as I am concerned, now it's just the cover letter and I have not the faintest clue on where to begin. I have the first sentence done. It's a start. So, productivity won out in the end. Probably a good thing, but that was after I had my cry, my least favourite thing in the world, but I did feel better, I suppose. I couldn't dwell on it because if I did, I was going to hurt something. It's moments like these when I think "Fuck it. Maybe casual sex is the way to go." And I'm not a casual sex person. At least then, I'd be gettin' some. But that is neither here nor there.

I want to say that I'll just freeze my heart up again, but I hate that person that I become. And I'm not happy. Of course, is anyone ever really happy for more than a moment? Maybe that is what we ought to live for, those moments of brief, intense joy and that is what the Boy does bring me, but is it worth all of this? Is it worth all of my agony for a few moments of joy, or, as in Thursday's case, a full 24 hours of bliss and joy.

Men, I just don't understand you at all. And you guys bitch about women. You're no great prize to figure out yourselves, you know.

Peace out.

I have never been so furious with someone that I didn't actually, actively hate, much less someone that I am actually very much in love with. Jason had a bitch-fest about his ex and her lack of courtesy, now it's my turn. Actually, no, not a bitch-fest. I'm saving that for the Brutal Honesty E-mail that he is going to get because if I see him, I'll cold-clock him and if I talk to him, I'll snap like I've seldom snapped before. People take one look at me and think, "Oh, she's so nice and sweet and innocent and together! Look at those beautiful blonde curls and those blue-grey eyes! She's adorable! Just the cutest thing!" and they never believe me when I tell them that they don't want to see me pissed off. Frankly, it's a sight to behold, so I've been told. Every muscle is tense, just waiting for a reason to flip over a table and physically pummel and then strangle to death with my bare hands. I don't go there often, but because of Him, I'm really on the verge of being there. My rage has hasn't cooled, but merely converted itself in to the more dangerous, vindictive form of Ice, cold, hard fury. I don't understand why I am always, ALWAYS last on his list. And the truly sad part is that I know I don't start out there whenever he comes home, but once he gets here, that is where I wind up and I am so damnedably tired of it. I ought to matter enough, just enough, to at least rate a phone call. Does this make any sense? I'm so angry, I'm past the point of swearing because cursing doesn't do justice to just how I am feeling. I am in a quandry. What to do? What to do? Sit and stew or do something productive. Productivity is probably the better answer. I'm so tired of being tied up in knots- knots of joy, knots of confusion, knots of sadness, knots of anger, knots of betrayal, knots of love, knots, knots, knots, knots... so many knots. My stomach and my heart cannot take anymore. I'm out.

I feel things very deeply. My emotions go from one extreme to the other. I love you and in a minute, if you hurt me badly enough, I will hate you, despise you, curse you. I used to try and be something I am not, and I was very good at it. I was cold, clinical, detached, an Ice Queen. I locked as many of my emotions away as I could to keep from crying, because I hate crying, but also to keep people at bay. And it worked. I was so good at being the Ice Queen that I sort of forgot how I really was, who I really was. When I ended high school, I decided that that was enough, that it was time to stop being that person and that is when I began taking my masks down.

I had this collection of masks that had hung in my room. One of them my grandmother accidentally broke, which was good. It was sort of the beginning, if my memory serves. One day, I was laying on my bed in my old room and looked at them and it occurred to me that that was exactly what I was doing, presenting different faces to the world, putting on the mask that I needed to get through any given situation, although that one that I used the most was most definitely the Ice Queen Facade. I hid behind her, was pretty comfortable behind her. Behind her, I couldn't get hurt. She kept people at away. Some were lucky enough to get in or knew me before I developed her. But as I hid behind her, I realized that She was not who I was, that I am an emotional person, who detests crying, but I cry now more than ever and it's okay, although I do ridicule myself for crying at things like the scene in "Poltergeist" when Carol Ann moves through her mother, Diane, played by Jo Beth Williams, and she starts to cry because she could smell her missing child on her clothes. And for when I cry during Disney movies like "Dumbo" and the first time I watched "The Hunchback of Notre Dame". Lame I know, but it's me. And that's okay.

Sometimes, I think that my emotions make me seem capricious, and I have often enough called myself capricious as I flip and flop from thing or person or idea or emotion to another. And maybe that does make me capricious but I feel how I feel so I don't think really think so. All I do know is that I'm happier when I feel even if it's remembering my heart wrenching screams over the death of my cat, whom I miss terribly. Would I ever want to forget him or my grandparents or the various people that I have known and loved and lost throughout my life, whether that be to death or a falling out or a growing out of? No. I am who I am- a very emotional woman who still tries to hide it behind a mask or two. Think you can handle it?

Well, it's now roughly 25 to 11 in the P.M. and I've still got that happy, dreamy smile! I can't help it and I don't want to help it, so I shan't help it! I shall keep smiling that happy, dreamy smile, for a little while longer at least! Cheers, everyone. Have a lovely night! I'm going to dream a little dream...

E-mail from the Boy today! He's coming home tomorrow! Yay! I miss him so much, which is kind of sick as I almost never see him. With me, that old addage of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is so damnedably true! Hmmm... beautiful, beautiful Boy. I can't help buy smile! And when I checked the e-mail and saw his name there, I actually let out an involuntary gasp, concerning my co-workers. "What's wrong?" they immediately asked as a dreamy, happy smile graced my features. That smile is still hovering about my lips. I probably shouldn't get too excited, however. That usually leads to disappointment. Damn reality! Raining on my happy, dreamy parade! Oh well... The Boy is coming home!

A fair good morning to the E-Peeps! One day this week I have to get to bed prior to 11:30 P.M. For most people, that's not late, but for me, the 9 hours of sleep girl, it definitely is. Of course, last night, I got sucked into watching "Close Encounters of the Third Kind". I have never actually watched the entire movie from beginning to end. Even after last night, I still have not watched the whole thing from beginning to end. Sleep was just far too important. And last night was the "Dr. Who" series finally. For those of you who don't know about Dr. Who, well, you should. I had forgotten how good of a series it really is. When I was a child, we used to watch it all of the time. And then it sort of died out, but it's back and it's good and, well, it's the reason I have named my car the Tardis. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I am a closet Sci- Fi nerd. I tend to gravitate towards fantastical things. Dragons and fairies (surprise, surprise there!) and Star Wars and Star Trek and Greek Myths and time travel and everything that seems impossible has always caught my fancy. As a child,"Clash of the Titans" was awesome, now not so much. Star Wars- need I say more? Princess Leia was my ultimate hero! She was always so bad ass. When she said, "Would you mind getting this walking carpet out of my way?" as a three year old, I wanted to stand up and cheer! And at the age of five, I remember being horribly disappointed as I sat in the movie theatre watching "Return of the Jedi" and I saw her look at Han and then utter the phrase, "Hold me!" I was like "What? She's Princess Leia, not some weak chick who says things like that to handsome men! She kicks ass and takes name and shoots holes in things and jumps into the garbage shoot!" But I digress, once again... I remember going to see "Labrynth" with the beautiful David Bowie and the equally beautiful Jennifer Connolly, whom I hated, and thought, "she's a brat but this is awesome!" Escapism, what a beautiful thing. Is there anything better than getting lost in world that cannot be or may not be or once was but will never be again? It's in places like that that one knows that true love exists, even if not in this plane, but maybe, just maybe. If we can imagine it, then perhaps it can come to pass.

Is there anything better than coming home on your lunch and walking into a subtle form of chaos? I get home, and there are people picking up the last kitten, which will be weird as we haven't been kittenless in months. And then, it turns out that there's just craziness with the house. The current owners are moving out today, the house hasn't been closed on yet, no one knows anything- its basically a big mess. Surprise, surprise. All I know is that I have a lot of stuff to do and I don't want to do any of it!

So I hear that it's pretty darn hot out there. I'll find out first hand in about an hour and fifteen, but for now, I'm enjoying the main perk to my job- Air Conditioning. So bad for the environment and yet so good for my peace of mind. Yesterday, I couldn't stand being home. My mother, God love her, is very, very English and once the temp. crosses 80 degrees and the humidity hits above 40, all I hear is her bitching about the weather, which makes me crazy and then I have no choice but to be miserable with her and complain about the heat, or leave and drive off in my nice, new airconditioned car. Needless to say, I chose option B. I called my dear friend, Dina, or in E-peeps-ease, Dimartiste, told her I was picking her up and we were going Somewhere, ANYWHERE! We wound up at Delaware Park, in "our" spot on the wall by the water, just past the casino. It was so lovely, we talked, went over the astrology chart that she did for me and left eventually around 9:30. I was in the perfect position to watch the sky change colours as the sun set. Truly remarkable. I was also feeling very bohemian in my blue tank top and not-quite-matching broomstick skirt, but it was too damn hot to really care. Apparently more of the same might be required for today.

I hate, detest, loathe, abhore, dislike in the extreme Rude People!!! Have we gone so far away from decorum and manners that we are expected to react as if it is the norm? ARGH!!! I just had to share that.