Who knows what the future holds? Once, I thought I did, but all I do know now is that I want to be a teacher. It's a career that I know that I could be good at- scratch that, it's a career that I know that I will be exceptional in! I had a good taste of the reality of teaching when I was an Americorps "Volunteer" in an elementary school. Basically, I was a teaching assistant and I got to see the good, the bad, the ugly, the sublime, the wonderous, the beautiful, and the painful when I worked in this school. One of my students that I tutored for the summer of 2001, a beautiful, happy, mischievous little boy named Zachary passed away when I was there and it was devastating. Yes, I got to experience all of the joys and the horrors of teaching without all of the responsiblity.

It took me a long time to stop fighting what was so disgustingly obvious, that I am meant to be a teacher. I kept telling myself, "Absolutely not! I don't want to have to deal with all of THAT!" And there are things that need to change, it is far from perfect, but the rewards genuinely outweighed all of that, at least for me. Maybe it was because I was working with 5-10 year olds, and it was before that irritating teenage attitude set in, for the most part (of course there were exceptions with that), but they genuinely wanted someone to listen and someone to care and someone to take an interest in them and treat them like a person instead of *just* a child. There were some things that came out of my students' mouths that astonished me- things so profound and full of depth and they just KNEW. I learned a lot in those two years (including the correct spelling of "a lot"- two words, not one!) But most of all, I learned that I need to be in a creative job with good hours and a lot of much earned vacation time! Now, I just have to go back to school, get my master's in El. Ed. with certification, and I have to get moving on this, NOW!

I think the problem with this election is that [c] all [/b] [/c] of the people that think for themselves and have a brain in their heads live in the same area. Apparently, people, what we need to do is branch out, move into the "heartland" and make them see what the hell is really up! Damn the imbeciles! 4 more years of what? Death, destruction, mayhem, a shitty economoy, fear, lies, and a war that no one wanted. God bless America- we're certainly going to need it!

It's at times like this when I wonder, seriously, if we wouldn't have been better off if the North just let the South go during the Civil War. What if Lincoln just said, "Fuck it!" and then we could have proceeded to cripple them economically, afterall, *ALL* of the industry was in the North and we decimated their farms, thereby decimating their way of life. Sure, they have "nicer" weather, if you like heat and humidity and bugs and malaria, because the deep south did have malaria then, it was why all of the rich, white Southerners fled the cities in the summers and left their black slaves behind... but that is neither here nor there. I mean, they think NOTHING like us, they act nothing like us, they speak nothing like us. Maybe it's our turn to say, "You know what, we don't like you after all. You can go on your merry way", but as all of the industry has fled to the damn South, and beyond, and we just have the creative, smart people here, we might be kind of screwed. Well, it gives me something to stew over at least.

Welcome to the new Reich.

BASTARD BITCH !!!! Stupid boy! He knows, somehow, he just knows when I've had it and when I'm walking away because that is when he shows back up, either in person- which is rare-, or by e-mailing me- which is also rare, just not quite so. And normally the e-mails are very short, unless I ask him about computers and then I get a three paragraph, highly technical answer that is like reading Greek- there is almost nothing about what is actually going on with HIM. Until today. Damn it! I love him, I really do, and that is the problem.

Oh, yeah, if you haven't yet, go vote. I did, at 8 o'clock in the morning on my way to work. Hope you're all ready to be up until 4 in the morning to see who wins this damn thing.

8* Dr. Chlorine, whatever have I done to deserve minions of Spirits sent to my house? Hmmm... we shall have to discuss things when I see you out and about this weekend, I think! Or a beer might undo the damage! ;)

Literally! Today, at my lovely little bank job, we all dressed up for the festivities of All Hallow's Eve. We have a Witch, a Cereal Killer, A Jester, A Jailbird, a Golfer, a Sumo- Wrestler, which is one of the funniest things as the girl who's wearing it is the skinniest thing!, and I, myself, have taken my monacre and made it real. Today, I am the Spring Faerie and were these wings not so cumbersome, I think I would wear them all of the time!

I think the most priceless thing is seeing the looks on our customers' faces when they see all of us, especially Paula- our Sumo Wrestler. It makes one remember the fun of being a live and why it's so important to laugh!

Hope to see Y'all tomorrow on Beggars' Night!

Well, let me tell you, Friday night was pretty damn fun! Trisha, SouthernYankee and myself went out dancing, as promised and it was so great! It was sort of strange though, because although it was a Friday night in Buffalo, there seemed to not REALLY be anyone out. We just couldn't quite understand it, but we trucked on, in search of good dancing music, which for Trisha and Me, that can be a challenge! But not Chamille! She is such a good time girl! Anyway, we wound up at Darcy McGee's, then some weird Jock/ Sorority chick bar (Suppress Shudder!), and then the Third Room and La Luna. No dice! It was at Marcella's where we had our first REAL success with good music and a good crowd, and originally we were only cutting through to Main Street! After Marcella's, it was time to meet up with Paul, Terry, Matthew, Mike, Tina, and Sarah at Roxy's. We danced, I was mentally stuck on the fact that was once someone's home, and we left around 3:30. I got home at 20 after 4 but was wide awake until 5. Then, my mean mother woke me up at 10, which I was fighting by not actually rolling out of bed until 11. I wanted to cry when Trisha informed me that she didn't wake up until 1 in the afternoon, as I'm sure most of my compatriots had! But such is life.

That's all for now. TTFN!

I need to work out a game plan. I am completely inept in the "getting boys" department. I've only ever had partial success. And I don't think it's because ALL of the men I choose are unattainable,(yes,Trisha, I know *some* of them have been!) it's just that I have no clue in how to go about that whole stupid Boy/Girl game playing that goes on and, sadly, seems to work! I usually wind up as being that girl- friend that no male actually thinks of as a girl, and then winds up being like a pal/ piece of the furniture. Frankly, it sucks!

Some of my friends swear it's because I'm too picky. I don't think I'm too picky. Once, when I was younger and stupid, I dropped my standards and that was a disaster! So, naturally, I vowed to never do that again, and I haven't really dated anyone since, which makes the question, Is it really worth the grief and aggravation of dropping my standards just to date again, or do I keep them exactly where they are and, possibly, risk staying alone, which I know and am very, very good at, but frankly, stinks on a Friday or Saturday night?

But I digress... The crux of the matter is this... I really like a boy and I have no idea on how to go about this whole thing. I gave him my number, but I knew he wasn't going to call when I gave it to him. In fact, I absolutely expected him not to, which I know makes no sense, but there it is. And it gets further complicated because I never see him, not like in "the Boy who lives in Boston"way, just as in the,"we don't travel in the same circles" way. Hmmmm.... It's very vexing! And that's why I need a game plan. Do I get his number from our one commonality, or do I just let it alone? Another friend of mine said "Be Aggressive", and although I am an aggressive person, I'm just not when it comes to, well, men. It goes against everything that I've been taught. (Who said your parents can't screw you up?)

I need a gameplan. Dilemmas, dilemmas. How do I go about this?

I have always been very, very hard on myself. Nothing I seem to do is good enough for myself, but the odd to dichotomy to this is that I'm also a total slacker and if I'm not naturally good at something, I don't want to do it, but I expect to be good at everything, even though, I know that I'm not. I would get very upset with myself if I made a mistake. That, I'm getting better with. I have to. In fact, I think that that is reason that God put me in the job that I currently have. I always make mistakes there. I think part of my cosmic lesson is that it is okay to make mistakes as long as they can be fixed.

I have a very hard time not being "Perfect"! I know that I'm not and it irritates me. I'm not thin enough, pretty enough, blah, blah, blah. But I'm finally realizing that it's all bullshit. So, I'm not a size 6! Yes, I do need to lose weight, but what really is spurring me on, nagging at me is more my concern for my future health. Diabetes, High Blood pressure, heart disease, strokes, cancer, arthritis, circulation problems, and lung problems run rampant in my family. I'm like a ticking health time bomb! And I know it so I must be responsible. If I don't do something now, something healthy for myself, it isn't going to get any easier.

I'm not perfect but I'm pretty okay.