I'm getting started with that. I'm setting goals for myself. I can do it. I have it in me. Yes, yes. OK well, I'm trying. I've accumulated a lot of shit during my during year here. Now I'm trying to organize it into squares

Matthew has inspired me to write about my endangered animal project I completed for the PTA meeting when I was 11. I was in the sixth grade trailer (overcrowded school) class with Mrs. Higgans for a teacher.
Mrs. Higgans had know me for years because when I was 7 I became close friends with her daughter Kristen. I even spent the night over there once but then Mrs.Higgans transferred Kristin to another school closer to their home so that Kristin would be able to make friends around her town. My child heart was broken by that. I would play this song on the fox and hound soundtrack over and over,
when you're the best of friends having so much fun together you're not even aware you're such a funny pair, life's one happy game.
I was sure that Mrs. Higgans didn't like me because I taught Kristen and her younger siblings how to play Bloody Mary in the bathroom. That scared the shit out of those two little ones (a 3 and 5 yr. old). I remember the baby, Allison, falling out of her bed that night due to a nightmare.
Years later I was put into Mrs. Higgans sixth grade class. A class that I refused to the normal work in. I drew pictures and braided tiny sections of hair over and over. I believe my peers were starting to look at me as an odd person but I wasn't that odd. I walked around the playground in circles with the cool girls in my class and we practiced our swearing.
One day Mrs. Higgans told us we had to do a presentation for the PTA on an endangered animal. She partnered me up with Marie who was a less fortunate girl in a few ways. You could always tell who was kind of poor by their hygiene and clothing, especially with kids. Well, Marie was poor but also dimwitted which is sad. She was a nice girl but I was upset to be her partner and I talked to Mrs. Higgans about it in private. Myself, a child who had made at least 10 F's already that year pulled Mrs. Higgans aside and said "Mrs. Higgans I can't work with that girl, she's stupid." Mrs. Higgans told me that she's knows and that's why she made us partners so I could help Marie.
I ended up doing all the research on the Jaguarundi and making a costume out of a pillow case. The Jaguarundi is a small and wild cat from Texas, something like that. I may be spelling Jaguarundi wrong. I was so bad. I put that pillow case on my head and went up and read that stupid paper to stupid parents at the stupid PTA meeting. I wouldn't let Marie do shit. I wanted to sport my beautiful homemade cat pillowcase mask and at the same time I needed to read the report because I knew how bad Marie was at reading aloud. I was being selfish over bullshit. I wanted to do a good presentation. awwh, it's still confusing.

I've got so much shit to do. This adult stuff I can't take it! I need someone to do it for me. Who wants to transfer my car titles, apply me for NY residency, pack clean and move my belongings, write letters to leasing offices, and all that boring bull shit? I hate it. I need a secretary.

They do make me happy and the people who work there are nice. I always say thank you and smile. Thank you for serving me this delicious meal because I know you only get about 50 cents to do it but I am so very hungry and helpless to produce the energy necessary for cooking or even thinking about what I would want to cook. Thank you fast food workers all the world round.

I'm also happy to see the church is back on elmwoodstrip.

Frustrated at the software, fucking uninstalled needed to teach editing, double damn.

Yesterday a group of us met up at Steven Eastwood's place then we split up and went of walking purposely. That is going to be fun when there is 3 feet of snow on the ground. What if all the seasons were in one week? Two days of summer, two days of fall, two days of winter, and one day of spring.
Terry and Holly stopped by my apartment before they went home last night. We had some smokes and racy conversation. Later l slept for a couple of hours but I woke up with the first light. I had a weird dream with the same group from Steven's but we were at my place that I shared with Liz. I was overwhelmed because I had to move but there was all this tape ribbon everywhere on the ceiling and I had accidentally blown out a few walls in the place with the water pressure in the kitchen. I was trying to collect all the tape ribbon but the group was getting pissed at me for disrupting their conversation. Then Terry was kissing me and trying to suck away my breath saying "give me the tongue."
TOtally weird.

I love my bathroom. I just went in there leaving behind the yellow lamp light in my bedroom and the smell of cigarette and incense smoke to be confronted with the new light of day pouring through the frosted window onto the glistening white bathtub below (this is good because it's the only clean part of the room) the smell of Dial soap wafting up.
I'm going to miss my bathtub. The one at Keith and Jon's has all these stupid, so you don't slip, whales in the bottom, and also Keith and Jon's toe funk. I gotta get some scrubbing bubbles for that shit.

I've made a full recovery from my excessive martini drinking Thursday night. I didn't think I was going to for a while there but after some pepto-bismol, ginger ale, sleep and time my stomach is feeling much better.
I went to the art opening at Cepa. They had good things there, lots of artist books. I want the palm reading book for myself. They also had a reel of videos happening. One of the videos had close up shots of foliage shaking in a breeze combined with the sounds of an audience cheering. It was a beautiful combination.

Stickboy, I have a Jung book you can borrow. You could also rent Waking Life and that might help.
Where is the term subconscious from? As far as I know Freud and Jung always talk about the unconscious. I wonder who started the subconscious thing.

this moving thing is going to happen soon i reckon.
I'm dangerous with my student loan money.
I bought some heels today, so bad, so bad.

I read Death in Venice over the night. It makes me sad for many reasons. I can't understand the main character, Aschenbach. He falls hard-core for a teen when he's 50. I could never love a boy like that. I mean sure I can admire and desire but these things occur pretty much everyday so I guess my feelings can never be as intense as Aschenbach. Maybe if I live to be 50 I can be so intense but I doubt it. I'm to twisted already.
or course Aschenbach totally sucks for the most part, no fun at all. He was trying in the end there but then he just upped and died before he even got the chance to jack off a beautiful 14 yr. old. He never even spoke to the kid.


And soy, I agree about how you should want to do something rather than be told to, but at the same time, when you make yourself a student you are subjecting yourself to certain demands.