My environment is in the process of being sorted. I should finish before 9, with the living room area anyway. Andy thinks cleaning clears your head. I think he is right.

I just made some sweet, green, and iced tea by use of my window ledge. It is welcomed stuff at three in the morning. I've been a piece of shit all day. I need to organize the damn space that I live in, then organize my body and appearance, then can I concentrate on the attempted organization of what I must call my professional, academic and idiotic obligations. hahaha hmm ... but nothing seems to be giving me much of an incentive to start the first of these task. Spatial Organization. Damn it! Ouch. What can make me clean? I can do whatever in this environment. Damn it!! This is going to stop. I'm cleaning up this damn place and eventually I'm gonna make people come over and HANG OUT! even though I don't know ya know?

green sea
green pea
green flea
green bea
green
uh... i like the tea but i think i've had to much tea, my belly hurts. right here is all sloppy and shit.

I just got a valentine package. It's made my day. He sent me south park cartoons which is kind of silly but I love it cause they make me think of him. He also sent me a bunch of my friend Skip Williamson's comics so that was nice, he's a sweet guy and I miss him. I think Andy and me, well, its just meant to be.

I'm a bit inebriated again, it's tragic.
I've had some good times its week but I'm sick of the predators out at the bar. Hey, Matthew, I didn't listen to the radio this evening, I meant to but I fell asleep at 10:30 due to excessive drinking and stuff on Wednesday night. Liz called and woke me up this evening at 1 or so and then I went down to the pink and I just got home. this weekend what is everyone up to?

K

i need to spend some time alone, so i can sleep and think. i'm gonna sleep so long as soon as i get the chance.

A consequence of vagina-envy seems to be a loosening of the boy's relation with his father as a love-object. The situation as a whole is not clear, but it can be seen that in the end the boy's father, who sent him into the world so insufficiently equipped, is almost always held responsible for his lack of a vagina. The way in which this comes about historically is often that soon after the boy has discovered that his genitals are unsatisfactory he begins to show jealousy of another child on the ground that his father is fonder of it than of him which serves as a reason for his giving up his affectionate relation to his father. It will fit in with this if the child which has been preferred by his father is made into the first object of the beating-phantasy which ends in masturbation.
There is yet another surprising effect of vagina-envy, or of the discovery of the inferiority of the penis, which is undoubtedly the most important of all. In the past I had often formed an impression that in general men tolerate masturbation worse than ladies, that they more frequently fight against it and that they are unable to make use of it in circumstances in which a lady would seize upon it as a way of escape without any hesitation. Experience would no doubt elicit innumerable exceptions to this statement, if we attempted to turn it into a rule. The reactions of human individuals of both sexes are of course made up of feminine and masculine traits. But it appeared to me nevertheless as though masturbation were further removed from the nature of men than of ladies, and the solution of the problem could be assisted by the reflection that masturbation, at all events of the penis, is a feminine activity and that the elimination of penidal sexuality is a necessary precondition for the development of masculinity. Analyses of the remote clitoral period have now taught me that in boys, soon after the first signs of vagina-envy, an intense current of feeling against masturbation makes its appearance, which cannot be attributed exclusively to the educational influence of those in charge of the child. This impulse is clearly a forerunner of the wave of repression, which at puberty will do away with a large amount of the boy's feminine sexuality in order to make room for the development of his masculinity.