I was in the bathtub having some deep thoughts just moments ago, and I started to think about the term "half-sister". How antiquated this is. I don't think that Mya and Fern are half of a sister to one another, so I have coined the phrase "sister from another mister" (at least I think I made this up...if not then fine, whatever).

Also on the bathtub thought roster was spring break. After today, Mya is going to be home for 2 WEEKS. I love my child dearly, but for any of you who have met Mya, you know how "energetic" she is. (she is also very smart, so I would not have her any other way). So if any of you have any cheap (preferably free) ideas of things to do with a five year old in which a six month old can also be present for, please let me know.

Oh, and what is it about dressing my children as animals that makes me want to hurl with excitement and cuteness? As you can see Mya in her lobster hat and Fern in her kangaroo hat on (e:enknot)'s page, but there are oh so many more. Fern also has a frog snowsuit that was Mya's (it has eyeballs on the hood and webbed mittens) and a chicken costume that also makes a great winter coat. If I wasn't so technologically retarded I would show you pics, but alas I have not had a computer since laptops were the thickness of my desktop tower. Hopefully Tony will show me when he gets home (and make fun of me for a bit also...go ahead, join him. I'm proud of who I am damn it!)

NPR has a song of the day section on their website. It's pretty sweet. You can have them email you the selections too. I only listened to today's so far, but I liked it. It was A.A. Bondy...sounds kinda like Iron and Wine with bigger testicles (not that I don't love them, this is just grittier). Anyway, even if I only find a song here and there that I like, it's totally worth having some exposure, since I don't ever listen to the radio or watch MTV. Plus at least with this music there's a better chance of it being a bit more cerebral.

Wow I really wanna do this book club, so let's mash out the details.

Paul Coelho, The Alchemist. It has come highly recommended. I just hope not too many have read it and would like to try something new.

Mondays at 8pm. I was thinking the spot on Delaware cuz they'll reserve space for us, but we could also do it at my house, or somewhere that serves perhaps (Founding Fathers is cheap and quite quiet on weekdays). Really it is just a matter of what everyone's down for.

I think that April 14 is a good time to meet. Is that enough time to read a book?

So I guess we'll get a feel for what everyone thinks and go from there. So let me know any people that are in, or new suggestions for book/time/place.

yaay. book club!

Wow I really wanna do this book club, so let's mash out the details.

Paul Coelho, The Alchemist. It has come highly recommended. I just hope not too many have read it and would like to try something new.

Mondays at 8pm. I was thinking the spot on Delaware cuz they'll reserve space for us, but we could also do it at my house, or somewhere that serves perhaps (Founding Fathers is cheap and quite quiet on weekdays). Really it is just a matter of what everyone's down for.

I think that April 14 is a good time to meet. Is that enough time to read a book?

So I guess we'll get a feel for what everyone thinks and go from there. So let me know any people that are in, or new suggestions for book/time/place.

yaaay. book club!

Okay so I finally got my butt to Buffalo State today and got all the information together for going back to school. I just finished my SUNY and FAFSA apps, now I just have to find a grant for broke ass single mom of two. This is the upside to being stereotyped! :)

I'm so excited to go back. I went to UB for 3 1/2 years, had TONS of fun instead of trying/going to class, got pregnant with baby #1, worked two jobs at a time till I got a management position with Spot, got pregnant with baby #2, got thrown out on my ass by Spot after working there for almost 7 years... you get it. In short, I'm so excited to have time to look up and learn instead of plugging along with my nose to the grindstone just in order to barely get by.

Which brings me to Spot. Tony and I were thinking of messing with them a bit. You see, I never got fired and also never quit. They are running on pure gossip (surprise surprise) in their assumption of me not returning (I mean them not paying me leave when I had Fern kinda sent a message, but no balls were involved in such message). In New York state, a woman has up to 7 months to return to her job after having a child, and her employer has to give her her position back. I was their store manager and I KNOW they already filled my position. The best part of all of this is that I go in there and my boss WILL NOT EVEN SPEAK TO ME; NOT EVEN A HELLO. So I think I'm gonna try and go back, just to see what they say.

I want to make it very clear how much I love the kids that work there. I also want to make it clear to everyone that they are disgruntled for a reason. They get paid terrible wages to do craptastic stuff, work for a total shithead who will come and scream at you if he's had a bad day, and have no benefits/perks whatsoever (I was one of 3 managers in the entire company and it would have cost me $740/month to have insurance for myself and Mya). Not to mention the people who own the company also own Iraqi oil companies. Not the cute local business you thought it was.

In short, that went from one topic to another one entirely, and sometimes I realize that I ramble on into oblivion, so now I will shut up and end with this (yet another topic):

I never thought I'd say this after working in mom/pop coffee shops since I could legally work: GO TO STARBUCKS! At least they give their employees health benefits and pay them a living wage. Wouldn't you rather support THAT? Don't be fooled by appearances (Of course go to Spot still if they hook you up for free, I do!)

I'm so exhausted right now. I'm trying to deal with a kid who's hurting really bad, and showing it by behaving really bad. It's so difficult to find the balance, to teach and discipline without amplifying the hurt.

It's a terrible thing to have a painful moment as a child. What I never realized was how terrible it was to be the parent of a child who has had something terrible happen to them. Not only do you have to worry about their feelings, peace of mind and behavior, you have to feel the shock of wondering why you weren't able to prevent the pain from entering their life.

I'm having such a hard time with this. I think that until now I have only expressed this to Tony. The actions that I have had to take to prevent her from further pain seem to have hurt her even more. I am constantly questioning whether or not I'm doing the right thing. I know in my heart that I am. I just have to block out the deafening sound of objections in my head.

All I know is that I miss my little kid, the one I had before all this bullshit. I think I am exacerbating the situation with my stress. Mya is getting some help. I think I better do the same, before I let my neurosis and guilt drive me crazy.

I know this is all jumbled and probably makes no sense. I just needed to get it out. Thanks estrip.

• (only white and poor)

Okay so now I guess we all have to figure out what we want to read for this here book club? What does everyone like to read? I'm reading Wicked right now, but I'm sure a lot of you have read that since I'm usually not aboard the book bandwagon till much later...

So drop me a comment with suggestions.

Also, when is good for everyone to meet? I am most free after 8pm, but I really can do any time. Let me know that too, along with maybe where, and we can do this thang.

So I'm in need of some serious winter activity. The TV is making my brain mushy, so mushy in fact that if I lay down while viewing it I can feel matter leak out of my head.

I need to be social and cerebral at the same time. Alot of times when I get out of the house it either involves talking about babies or drinking (not that there's anything wrong with either of those things, but it's time to incorporate something else). I was thinking that a book club would be fun.

If anyone is interested, leave me a comment. If enough people dig it, we can figure out some details.

So the baby is almost 5 months old now, and despite eating right and exercising regularly, i have not lost a single pound. How discouraging.

I am trying to remain positive, but i hate how I look and am fixated on it. I really make a terrible fat person. I don't like my clothes, but I also don't want to buy new ones because I feel like that means giving in. I'll just deal with having two pairs of jeans till my ass looks good in a pair.

So then it dawns on me... maybe I'm fat and miserable because of birth control (well, lack thereof was the start of it all, but we don't need to go into that...). SO today is day one of no pill. We'll see if it works. I hope I don't go through some terrible hormone crash, but I'm sure I will. Them's the breaks. (But deciding that we shouldn't have sex anymore will NOT make me feel better about myself... YOU know who you are)!

On that note, I guess people really take different factors to feel good about themselves. I think I always assumed people needed the same things as me (generally speaking of course) but I know now that I'm wrong. I guess that's one of the hardest parts of being in a functional relationship with someone... finding a way to allow each other to be happy even if it means a compromise and ultimately a little less happiness for each of you. I would hope that the people I love would do what they needed to do in order to be happy, and I hope that I have been supportive of that. Being with an unhappy person is just as bad as being the one unhappy. And regret hurts everyone, not just the individual bearing it.

So I guess that it's up to everyone to do what they need to do. Not doing so doesn't make the desire go away; the truth of situations needs to get hammered out or it will just come back. I learned a valuable lesson from the most hateful person a long time ago... when I told him how unhappy he made me, he told me that he couldn't make me feel anything, that was all me. what a valuable lesson that was. I try to take that with me as a reminder to do what I must and to love other people for doing the same. I hope that I am successful in doing so.

So I have a small addiction to NPR and while gettin high on it today I heard about the auctioning of the waters of northwest Alaska to the oil companies. 29 million acres to be exact. There was a record bid of $2.6 billion, which leads me to believe that anyone can get what they want for the right amount of money. It made me kinda sick. Not to mention this is polar bear land, and they are already being threatened by global warming- the first species to be on the list. (which leads me to the next reference to polar bears that I had today- did you know their skin is black and their fur is actually transparent so that it absorbs heat... you go talking about polar bears and you learn all SORTS of stuff).

Now I'm not a super freak environmentalist or anything. It was more like a gut feeling of wrong with the situation. It seems like the last lingering of hope of any preservation. I know we need oil (I also have my own conspiracy theories on that... just look up the hemp industry in this country if you think our country has good intentions about our resources), but I wonder if this oil is going to be worth all the destruction it will cause. They estimate a 50% chance of an oil spill because it is water not land. Those stakes seem a little high to me. I have never been to Alaska but my sister-in-law's family owns property there and I saw pictures of my brother's trip- it was the kind of beauty that makes the world still seem okay, like we haven't completely killed it yet.

Oh and here rare the cute babies. Yes, that's right, babies babies babies. :P

Missing Image ;(

Missing Image ;(