So I know EVERY year that it isn't really spring yet, but EVERY year I truly believe that winter is finally over. Then it snows again and it feels as though it will never stop. Man I hate winter. I can't wait to sit on the deck that (e:enknot) and I have never spent any time on, since we moved in in mid October. It is a big chunk of the house we have yet to enjoy. Soon enough we will, I'm just feeling a bit impatient.

On the bright side, Mya got into Olmsted's gifted and talented program. She will start kindergarten in the fall. This also means that Fern will get to go to Olmsted too. This also means we never have to worry about moving out of the city. The suburbs just don't do it for me.

I on the other hand did not get into Buff State. I know what you're thinking, but yes, they do not in fact admit everyone. I am that one. My last two semesters at UB were really bad, the last because I was about to pop with Mya during finals, and the semester before I can't even recall why I did so badly. So I am going to try and retroactively withdraw from the last semester, and Buff State wants a letter as to why I did so poorly the semester before. I wish I knew exactly why so I didn't feel like I was bullshitting. I know I was very unhappy with the school (and with the person I was with and with the rat-infested apartment I was living in in the heights), but is that valid to them? I mean, at worst I'll go to ECC for a semester or two and then transfer, so it's not that bad. I guess I am just a little ego bruised. And I'm realizing that the old me keeps biting the current me on the ass. If there was any way to effectively keep kids out of trouble,I think that would be the way - Let them know they will pay for their mistakes much after they stop making them.

I was in the bathtub having some deep thoughts just moments ago, and I started to think about the term "half-sister". How antiquated this is. I don't think that Mya and Fern are half of a sister to one another, so I have coined the phrase "sister from another mister" (at least I think I made this up...if not then fine, whatever).

Also on the bathtub thought roster was spring break. After today, Mya is going to be home for 2 WEEKS. I love my child dearly, but for any of you who have met Mya, you know how "energetic" she is. (she is also very smart, so I would not have her any other way). So if any of you have any cheap (preferably free) ideas of things to do with a five year old in which a six month old can also be present for, please let me know.

Oh, and what is it about dressing my children as animals that makes me want to hurl with excitement and cuteness? As you can see Mya in her lobster hat and Fern in her kangaroo hat on (e:enknot)'s page, but there are oh so many more. Fern also has a frog snowsuit that was Mya's (it has eyeballs on the hood and webbed mittens) and a chicken costume that also makes a great winter coat. If I wasn't so technologically retarded I would show you pics, but alas I have not had a computer since laptops were the thickness of my desktop tower. Hopefully Tony will show me when he gets home (and make fun of me for a bit also...go ahead, join him. I'm proud of who I am damn it!)

NPR has a song of the day section on their website. It's pretty sweet. You can have them email you the selections too. I only listened to today's so far, but I liked it. It was A.A. Bondy...sounds kinda like Iron and Wine with bigger testicles (not that I don't love them, this is just grittier). Anyway, even if I only find a song here and there that I like, it's totally worth having some exposure, since I don't ever listen to the radio or watch MTV. Plus at least with this music there's a better chance of it being a bit more cerebral.

Wow I really wanna do this book club, so let's mash out the details.

Paul Coelho, The Alchemist. It has come highly recommended. I just hope not too many have read it and would like to try something new.

Mondays at 8pm. I was thinking the spot on Delaware cuz they'll reserve space for us, but we could also do it at my house, or somewhere that serves perhaps (Founding Fathers is cheap and quite quiet on weekdays). Really it is just a matter of what everyone's down for.

I think that April 14 is a good time to meet. Is that enough time to read a book?

So I guess we'll get a feel for what everyone thinks and go from there. So let me know any people that are in, or new suggestions for book/time/place.

yaay. book club!

Wow I really wanna do this book club, so let's mash out the details.

Paul Coelho, The Alchemist. It has come highly recommended. I just hope not too many have read it and would like to try something new.

Mondays at 8pm. I was thinking the spot on Delaware cuz they'll reserve space for us, but we could also do it at my house, or somewhere that serves perhaps (Founding Fathers is cheap and quite quiet on weekdays). Really it is just a matter of what everyone's down for.

I think that April 14 is a good time to meet. Is that enough time to read a book?

So I guess we'll get a feel for what everyone thinks and go from there. So let me know any people that are in, or new suggestions for book/time/place.

yaaay. book club!

Okay so I finally got my butt to Buffalo State today and got all the information together for going back to school. I just finished my SUNY and FAFSA apps, now I just have to find a grant for broke ass single mom of two. This is the upside to being stereotyped! :)

I'm so excited to go back. I went to UB for 3 1/2 years, had TONS of fun instead of trying/going to class, got pregnant with baby #1, worked two jobs at a time till I got a management position with Spot, got pregnant with baby #2, got thrown out on my ass by Spot after working there for almost 7 years... you get it. In short, I'm so excited to have time to look up and learn instead of plugging along with my nose to the grindstone just in order to barely get by.

Which brings me to Spot. Tony and I were thinking of messing with them a bit. You see, I never got fired and also never quit. They are running on pure gossip (surprise surprise) in their assumption of me not returning (I mean them not paying me leave when I had Fern kinda sent a message, but no balls were involved in such message). In New York state, a woman has up to 7 months to return to her job after having a child, and her employer has to give her her position back. I was their store manager and I KNOW they already filled my position. The best part of all of this is that I go in there and my boss WILL NOT EVEN SPEAK TO ME; NOT EVEN A HELLO. So I think I'm gonna try and go back, just to see what they say.

I want to make it very clear how much I love the kids that work there. I also want to make it clear to everyone that they are disgruntled for a reason. They get paid terrible wages to do craptastic stuff, work for a total shithead who will come and scream at you if he's had a bad day, and have no benefits/perks whatsoever (I was one of 3 managers in the entire company and it would have cost me $740/month to have insurance for myself and Mya). Not to mention the people who own the company also own Iraqi oil companies. Not the cute local business you thought it was.

In short, that went from one topic to another one entirely, and sometimes I realize that I ramble on into oblivion, so now I will shut up and end with this (yet another topic):

I never thought I'd say this after working in mom/pop coffee shops since I could legally work: GO TO STARBUCKS! At least they give their employees health benefits and pay them a living wage. Wouldn't you rather support THAT? Don't be fooled by appearances (Of course go to Spot still if they hook you up for free, I do!)

I'm so exhausted right now. I'm trying to deal with a kid who's hurting really bad, and showing it by behaving really bad. It's so difficult to find the balance, to teach and discipline without amplifying the hurt.

It's a terrible thing to have a painful moment as a child. What I never realized was how terrible it was to be the parent of a child who has had something terrible happen to them. Not only do you have to worry about their feelings, peace of mind and behavior, you have to feel the shock of wondering why you weren't able to prevent the pain from entering their life.

I'm having such a hard time with this. I think that until now I have only expressed this to Tony. The actions that I have had to take to prevent her from further pain seem to have hurt her even more. I am constantly questioning whether or not I'm doing the right thing. I know in my heart that I am. I just have to block out the deafening sound of objections in my head.

All I know is that I miss my little kid, the one I had before all this bullshit. I think I am exacerbating the situation with my stress. Mya is getting some help. I think I better do the same, before I let my neurosis and guilt drive me crazy.

I know this is all jumbled and probably makes no sense. I just needed to get it out. Thanks estrip.