Okay so I finally got my butt to Buffalo State today and got all the information together for going back to school. I just finished my SUNY and FAFSA apps, now I just have to find a grant for broke ass single mom of two. This is the upside to being stereotyped! :)

I'm so excited to go back. I went to UB for 3 1/2 years, had TONS of fun instead of trying/going to class, got pregnant with baby #1, worked two jobs at a time till I got a management position with Spot, got pregnant with baby #2, got thrown out on my ass by Spot after working there for almost 7 years... you get it. In short, I'm so excited to have time to look up and learn instead of plugging along with my nose to the grindstone just in order to barely get by.

Which brings me to Spot. Tony and I were thinking of messing with them a bit. You see, I never got fired and also never quit. They are running on pure gossip (surprise surprise) in their assumption of me not returning (I mean them not paying me leave when I had Fern kinda sent a message, but no balls were involved in such message). In New York state, a woman has up to 7 months to return to her job after having a child, and her employer has to give her her position back. I was their store manager and I KNOW they already filled my position. The best part of all of this is that I go in there and my boss WILL NOT EVEN SPEAK TO ME; NOT EVEN A HELLO. So I think I'm gonna try and go back, just to see what they say.

I want to make it very clear how much I love the kids that work there. I also want to make it clear to everyone that they are disgruntled for a reason. They get paid terrible wages to do craptastic stuff, work for a total shithead who will come and scream at you if he's had a bad day, and have no benefits/perks whatsoever (I was one of 3 managers in the entire company and it would have cost me $740/month to have insurance for myself and Mya). Not to mention the people who own the company also own Iraqi oil companies. Not the cute local business you thought it was.

In short, that went from one topic to another one entirely, and sometimes I realize that I ramble on into oblivion, so now I will shut up and end with this (yet another topic):

I never thought I'd say this after working in mom/pop coffee shops since I could legally work: GO TO STARBUCKS! At least they give their employees health benefits and pay them a living wage. Wouldn't you rather support THAT? Don't be fooled by appearances (Of course go to Spot still if they hook you up for free, I do!)

I'm so exhausted right now. I'm trying to deal with a kid who's hurting really bad, and showing it by behaving really bad. It's so difficult to find the balance, to teach and discipline without amplifying the hurt.

It's a terrible thing to have a painful moment as a child. What I never realized was how terrible it was to be the parent of a child who has had something terrible happen to them. Not only do you have to worry about their feelings, peace of mind and behavior, you have to feel the shock of wondering why you weren't able to prevent the pain from entering their life.

I'm having such a hard time with this. I think that until now I have only expressed this to Tony. The actions that I have had to take to prevent her from further pain seem to have hurt her even more. I am constantly questioning whether or not I'm doing the right thing. I know in my heart that I am. I just have to block out the deafening sound of objections in my head.

All I know is that I miss my little kid, the one I had before all this bullshit. I think I am exacerbating the situation with my stress. Mya is getting some help. I think I better do the same, before I let my neurosis and guilt drive me crazy.

I know this is all jumbled and probably makes no sense. I just needed to get it out. Thanks estrip.

• (only white and poor)

Okay so now I guess we all have to figure out what we want to read for this here book club? What does everyone like to read? I'm reading Wicked right now, but I'm sure a lot of you have read that since I'm usually not aboard the book bandwagon till much later...

So drop me a comment with suggestions.

Also, when is good for everyone to meet? I am most free after 8pm, but I really can do any time. Let me know that too, along with maybe where, and we can do this thang.

So I'm in need of some serious winter activity. The TV is making my brain mushy, so mushy in fact that if I lay down while viewing it I can feel matter leak out of my head.

I need to be social and cerebral at the same time. Alot of times when I get out of the house it either involves talking about babies or drinking (not that there's anything wrong with either of those things, but it's time to incorporate something else). I was thinking that a book club would be fun.

If anyone is interested, leave me a comment. If enough people dig it, we can figure out some details.

So the baby is almost 5 months old now, and despite eating right and exercising regularly, i have not lost a single pound. How discouraging.

I am trying to remain positive, but i hate how I look and am fixated on it. I really make a terrible fat person. I don't like my clothes, but I also don't want to buy new ones because I feel like that means giving in. I'll just deal with having two pairs of jeans till my ass looks good in a pair.

So then it dawns on me... maybe I'm fat and miserable because of birth control (well, lack thereof was the start of it all, but we don't need to go into that...). SO today is day one of no pill. We'll see if it works. I hope I don't go through some terrible hormone crash, but I'm sure I will. Them's the breaks. (But deciding that we shouldn't have sex anymore will NOT make me feel better about myself... YOU know who you are)!

On that note, I guess people really take different factors to feel good about themselves. I think I always assumed people needed the same things as me (generally speaking of course) but I know now that I'm wrong. I guess that's one of the hardest parts of being in a functional relationship with someone... finding a way to allow each other to be happy even if it means a compromise and ultimately a little less happiness for each of you. I would hope that the people I love would do what they needed to do in order to be happy, and I hope that I have been supportive of that. Being with an unhappy person is just as bad as being the one unhappy. And regret hurts everyone, not just the individual bearing it.

So I guess that it's up to everyone to do what they need to do. Not doing so doesn't make the desire go away; the truth of situations needs to get hammered out or it will just come back. I learned a valuable lesson from the most hateful person a long time ago... when I told him how unhappy he made me, he told me that he couldn't make me feel anything, that was all me. what a valuable lesson that was. I try to take that with me as a reminder to do what I must and to love other people for doing the same. I hope that I am successful in doing so.

So I have a small addiction to NPR and while gettin high on it today I heard about the auctioning of the waters of northwest Alaska to the oil companies. 29 million acres to be exact. There was a record bid of $2.6 billion, which leads me to believe that anyone can get what they want for the right amount of money. It made me kinda sick. Not to mention this is polar bear land, and they are already being threatened by global warming- the first species to be on the list. (which leads me to the next reference to polar bears that I had today- did you know their skin is black and their fur is actually transparent so that it absorbs heat... you go talking about polar bears and you learn all SORTS of stuff).

Now I'm not a super freak environmentalist or anything. It was more like a gut feeling of wrong with the situation. It seems like the last lingering of hope of any preservation. I know we need oil (I also have my own conspiracy theories on that... just look up the hemp industry in this country if you think our country has good intentions about our resources), but I wonder if this oil is going to be worth all the destruction it will cause. They estimate a 50% chance of an oil spill because it is water not land. Those stakes seem a little high to me. I have never been to Alaska but my sister-in-law's family owns property there and I saw pictures of my brother's trip- it was the kind of beauty that makes the world still seem okay, like we haven't completely killed it yet.

Oh and here rare the cute babies. Yes, that's right, babies babies babies. :P

Missing Image ;(

Missing Image ;(

Okay, so I don't know if anyone has seen the Simpsons where Homer finds the screaming worm and wants to kill it but it's endangered, so he has to care for it? Well, that's what Fern sounds like the past week or so, and I'm super proud of her for trying out her lungs but I feel like my head is going to implode. Oh, man she looks so proud of herself when she does it! Man babies are lucky they're cute, or there would be a lot more porch drop-offs at the orphanage...

Okay, so I signed up for this site ages ago (well (e:enknot) signed me up really) and for some reason I have never written a journal. And it's true, I'm not much for airing my personal issues out to dry, but I am mostly just reserved for a preliminary period. Watch out after that's over!
I felt very compelled to respond to the journals written regarding children and religion (I know, I'm one of the creepys who reads but doesn't contribute). Religion is so huge in my life, yet so very insignificant. I am fascinated with all types of religion, but never could commit to one. I try not to commit myself to any one absolute, any right answer. How limited that would leave me as a person. But I am always interested in new ways of finding strength and good, be it in myself or others.
For some reason, my 5 year old decided to pursue devout christianity a few months back. How this came to be is only speculation and really does not matter to me. What matters is her interest in knowledge. I do anything I can to support that, even if I don't agree with the information.
I do agree with the morals, however. I was raised methodist and was given the choice to continue my religion immediately after I was confirmed at 11. By then all the fantastical allure of religion had faded and I really didn't believe anymore. But I still decided to go to church with my mom, because I wanted to work in the daycare. I can't say today whether or not religion played a part in me having sound morals, but I don't think it could have hurt.
Religion gets a bad rap sometimes. I'm not saying that it is entirely undeserved- there is some messed up stuff that is undeniably wrong with every religion. But what kind of idiot takes ANYTHING for face value? Religion is supposed to inspire thought, not replace it.
And as far as the whole science and religion thing.... I totally misled Mya when I told her some people believe science, some God ("I pick God!"). My intentions with my children is to give it to them straight no matter how ugly (as much as is reasonable, they're both really little), and I wanted her to know of the classic dichotomy between the two. How fortunate it isn't so cut and dry anymore, but unless history is understood it is bound to get repeated. I unintentionally repeated that, but hey, I've got a few years to correct all that I hope.
One final note. Exposure is the path to good choices. Restriction leads to poor choices (come on, I know some of you had super strict parents then lost your mind in college. I know I did). My job as a parent is not to tell my children what to do or believe, but to make them understand what they should do and find what they truly believe. I know I won't always succeed at this, but I do hope I always strive for it.