i never, except i am going to make mine non-sexual, which is much less fun. but there's a lot of new folks, and i'm shy. (phhfff) ;)

SO, in my life i have never:

1. taken a bath in anything other than water
2. eaten a snail
3. grown a third breast and/or nipple
4. actually seen an ocelot
5. been out of north america :(
6. heard the cry of the blue-footed booby
7. shorn a single living thing
8. witnessed a birth
9. waterskiied
10. attempted to grow a very large pumpkin

like flacidness, i too hope to experience all 10 things on his, oh i mean my, list someday.

i have been delinquent.

thanks to all for the uniqueness of your presence and presience at le bar-b-q. we, as in paulnotpaul and myself (trisha) had a fantabyulastic time... good thing tomorrow is sunday. the day of our lord jeebus, wherein i can pray for the sinner that is me.

to get the warm juicy feeling, i have been prompted by our luxe webmaster to post my knowledge of salts. which i actually learned from a magazine. the practicality of these uses may just melt all e-strippers' hearts-o'-ice after my long and derelictionous absence, which is regrettable and pathetique.

enough about me. you are soooo interesting:


rub salt in the cavity of a chick-in or turkydear to keep the bird moist (before cooking, duh) mmm. nothing worse than that dry bird.

add a pinch o'salt to cream or egg whites to make them whip up higher. nothing better than that high whip.

salt raw eggplant to draw out the excess moisture (and cut down on the oil absorbed during cooking-- nothing like saving dough on that precious olive oyl).

banish onion odor from your hands by rubbing them with salt and a splash of binegar. i'd so rather smell like binegar than onions. though i still hold fast to my theory that onions are momma nature's secretest vagina.

put a dash of salt in your vase with cut flowers--they'll stay fresh longer. hurray, less trips to mother nature florist. on elmwood.

clean sink drains by running a hot strong salt solution down them. no more odors, no more grease build up. bye bye dran-o. you expensive whore.

rub salt on your grill tools. it magically rids them of the black grease stuff that is carbonized lighter fluid, et al.

polish your fine brass or copper pieces with a paste made of equal parts salt, flour, and binegar. lay lady lay. lay across my big brass bed.

my personal fave, living in this podunk backweather berg: make a solution of 2 teaspoons salt in a gallon of water. spray it on your car windows, wipe it dry. frost will not build up inside them, saving precious minutes in your already late workaday morning time. which you could spend much better getting an egg mcmuffin of course.

there you go. everything you might want to know about the amazing salt of the earth (and a real good dancer) except how to mine it. oh, and there are special kinds of salt that do special things to special foods. but that may be a story for another day.

i had a weird fantasie today, of starring in a movie in which there was a lot of righteous ass kicking done by, of course, me. i realized i am really over the moon for violence in movies when it is a scenario in which i agree with the need for fisticuffs and other weaponry. like kill bill, matrix (one, please. shudder to think of those last few), and fight club (duh). gunplay is boring though. mayhap i will make up a t-shirt that says "fists not guns". since everybody is so into wearing what they're into.

can it?

today i am obsessed with random events. forming a pattern somehow, in some mathematical model i can't begin to comprehend.

there is a big bin at the grocery store of green beans. i sort through, finding the unmottled and most robust, as seems to be the ritual as i have seen so many women (all women) do it before me. you do not just throw a handful of beans into a bag. you meticulously sort, finding the unmottled and most robust. i rip such a one from its paltry looking sisters and think as the bean must be thinking: goodbye, my quintuplet darlings, us born from the selfsame flower. i am destined for a different pot from you, if indeed you make it to one. looking as such, you may just end up in a wegman's rat's belly, or, back to your base molecules as some food for a future bean that looks as appealing as i.

there is a wall of eggs, each in its pastel green styro, blinding me in the decision making process. how can i possibly choose a carton containing eighteen perfectly fresh unbroken eggs showing no signs of the atrocities from which they came? do i select from the top, bottom, or middle? the 1st, 2nd, or 7th column? after all, each egg in any given carton is most likely from a different fowl. so many, at this time of year, are destined for a dye bath, and eventual garbage pile. how many easter eggs can 1 person eat. and children won't eat an egg when there is cadbury to be had. eight out of eighteen are now garish and beautiful, like a wife of 28 years who finally decides to go out on the town. the rest, who knows? the thousands of ones left on the shelf, who can know? the pans and trashes and bellies they will end up in.

and so, when i chose my numbers for tonite, to gloriously and forsakenly stake my claim in a gluttonous 105 mil, i simply let these randoms do their thing, and my vision blurred, and i chose only based on the spaces in between things that appear empty, but end up ending up somewhere no one can know and rarely imagine.

based on so much thought, i just know i'm gonna hit it. ha ha..........

holly, love the picture...
and your stories
(and i have been putting myself away in the ground for a long time. it feels bad.)



who else but us and the other few we know dream of, of all things, a *goat* farm?!? (and sheepies, of course, matthew).

springtime is for bathin em in the river.


sigh... oh will oh will it happen someday?

if you find yourself caught in love,
say a prayer to the man above,
thank him for everything you know,
you should thank him for every breath you blow,
if you find yourself caught in love,
say a prayer to the man above,
thank him for every day you pass,
you should thank him for saving your sorry ass.

--belle and sebastian

gemini:

don't stay in today! while walking, you will catch sight of a rotten tomato, which will then become allegorical for you. you will realize the transitory, fleeting aspect of this thing called life, and that someday we're all worm food in the end. you will make attempts to become just as juicy and satisfying as that tomato was in its prime.

saggitarius:

the stars have it in for you, saggy baby! you will encounter the devil in the form of a tea leaf, floating around the bottom of (what else?) your teacup. he will proclaim in a booming voice only you can hear, that you were not meant to wear those socks today. he will arrange it so that your favorite possession will be taken away if you don't take them off immediately. so either don't drink tea, or don't wear socks today. the stars will allow you to choose in this instance.

libra:

strangely, six virgins will offer themselves to you today. unfortunately, you won't get the message, for reasons too numerous (and complicated, starswise!) to list. so sorry.

taurus:

you are beautiful, in every single way. no, words can't bring you down. you are beautiful, no matter what they say. no words can't bring you down. no, no. so don't you bring me down today.

capricorn:

hey cap, when's the last time you asked yourself: what are a few of my favorite things? somehow you've forgotten that bathing in custard or belting it out barbara (striesand, who else?) style used to be a crucial part of your emotional health. let go, capri! let the stars......

dear ob/gyn:
please write me a descriptive essay of just what goes through your mind as you deliver a child.

dear artist:
how does average, boring life factor into your thoughts?

dear old lady:
what is the thing you want most to remember?

dear so-and-so, walking down the street:
tell me something that will make us both smile.






asking these questions is what i want my life to be like.

i didn't want to look outside,
and so i looked on the internet for 'spring scenes'
this is what i found right away!
what a breath.......

if you have money
you can buy the good soap
the kind that is viscous liquid
it smells like the company's
rendition of 'spring breeze'
but to me it smells like fake watermelon
and makes me want a ring pop
it's the only difference
from the cheap kinds--
they work just as well
but it would be so gross,
an ivory flavored ring pop
no, no ivory flavored ring pop.