I just discovered the "Your messages" feature on this lovely little site. Why I didn't know about it before, I'll never know, but I strongly suspect that it's because I'm technologically incompetent! And you know, I've some pretty cool responses to things I've written. Thanks, Guys! And to who ever wrote to me that I should just "Go half way", thanks! I'm really an all or nothing person. I'm not too good at the "Half way" mark.

I have a favourite word and it is "lovely". It isn't so much the sound of it and it's not like it's a particularly "fun" word to say. But, in me, it evokes a feeling of indescribableness. I like how I feel when I say the word, lovely. And it works in so many different situations and what not. This week, I actually found myself to saying to my customers, "Have a lovely day!" and I meant it. It's more than "Nice", not quite "blessed" as some of my customers wish me (and that always makes me feel good. A total stranger wishes you "a Blesssed Day", that really touches someplace deep. But that is not what I am talking about right now.), but lovely evokes a feeling and I wish that feeling had a word but it does not. Something warm and fuzzy and blossoming, but not one word truly somes up all of that. That's very frustrating for a writer, to not have the words. But, perhaps, sometimes it's better to not have words? What's left when there are no words? Tears- joy or sadness? touches? kisses? Kisses. I miss those. And if done right, they certainly are lovely. Lovely. It reminds me of a song, a song I sing often. I hear Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong's voices in my head, "Isn't this a Lovely Day to be caught in the rain? You were going on your way, now you've got to remain. Just as you were going, leaving me on that scene, the clouds broke, they broke and oh, what a break for me..." I apologize if you don't know the tune. Nothing can put me in a wistful relaxed place quite like that song. I'll have to sing it for you sometime I suppose.

I am about to commit to the most adult thing I have ever done in my entire life- I am about to buy life insurance and quite a bit of it too! Not because I need it now, but because I Will need it the future. (I always have been a "look toward the future" kind of person.) Hmmmm....not really sure how I feel about this whole, "Acting like an adult thing." It seems rather daunting. But seemingly necessary. I'm doing the right thing, right? Wait, of course I am! I'm being rather silly. Here more forceful, not wishy-washy- I'm doing the right thing! There! That's much better!

Sickness, as we all know, has been raging around Western New York, and now, I think, it's my turn. I woke up with a headache, took two advil and it's not touching it. yay. My stomach is feeling queasy. And all I can think of is I'm singing on Sunday at the Basilica, on the altar, no less, and I'm starting to feel like crud! And, there's the wedding in 8 days! 8 DAYS! I'd better start feeling better really soon! ARGH! Damn sick people spreading their germs to the healthy!

I have this irritating little habit of falling in love with men who are unavailable, either emotionally, or physically, or both. The Boy, who does have a name, it's Troy, lives in Boston, so that would be the physical part. He lives in a whole different state and he doesn't come home very often. And he has no idea how I feel, so as much as I bitch about him, he doesn't know, which is my fault, but it feels inappropriate to tell someone, "Hey! Guess What? I'm in love with you! And I have been for ages!" via e-mail. Am I wrong in thinking that it would be much better to spring that on someone in person? So my frustration with him, is my own fault. Trisha would counter, and has countered, that he should know what he's got and appreciate it without me having to say anything. But I know how I am when someone is interested in me, unless they hit me over the head, and flat out say, "Hey, I like you!" I have no clue. And according to my sources, most men are like that, as well. My assumption (and I know what they say about people who assume!) is that he's like that.

I love him so much, it hurts. He sends me from the highest joys to the lowest doldrums and I think part of me lives for that. It's like some sick, twisted form of self-torture. But there is safety in it. I know it. I'm actually quite comfortable there. And once I tell him, then that safety net is gone and all that is left is the truth and a very vulnerable me, feeling naked and horribly exposed by it. I've done this once before and it didn't turn out very well, but that's because I was toyed with once the truth was in the open. (Some people might debate the facts of that last statement, but that is my perception of the situation.) And so I'm pretty damned terrified to say to this man those three little words that pack such a wallop. And once all is said there is no going back. But I want to tell him, have wanted to tell him for such a very long time. So, do you think it's time for me to step into the light? Or, do I hide and cower in my comfortable darkness? Frankly, I feel he must be told. It seems like the honourable thing to do. The next question becomes when. I shall sift through it, feel my way, but I know what must be done. We both deserve the Truth.

I admit it, I'm into astrology. Not in a live or die by it kind of way, but in a "Holy Crap! I can't believe how dead on that is!" kind of way, and this is this week's FreeWillAstrology Horoscope for me! (And any other Aries.)

Happy Valentine Daze, Aries! During my quest for the advice that might be most helpful to your love life, I gathered the following words of wisdom. 1. "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche. 2. "Love is not about losing freedom; it's about sharing freedom with a partner who's as talented a liberationist as you." -my friend Sarah. 3. "I hunger for your sleek laugh and your hands the color of a furious harvest. I want to eat the sunbeams flaring in your beauty." -Pablo Neruda.

I just thought that this was lovely, which is why I had to share it. Have a peach of a day, everyone!

Saturday, I had gone shopping at the SouthGate Plaza, in West Seneca, with my mother. It's actually a lovely little place but I realized that I really don't like suburbia. It's the whole Soccer Mom, SUV, bratty kids that are wearing clothes from Limited Too, narrow-minded Suburbian thing that really rattles my teeth. I have realized that I don't want *That* kind of life. I definitely want to find my Prince Charming and get married and have babies but I would much prefer to live in the city, to have a large Victorian house in the city, and just have that kind of life. And rather than being Soccer Mom, I want to be a Choir Parent! I want to have to shuffle my kids from school and then off to choir practice, Boys- Tuesdays and Thursdays, Girls- Wednesdays and Fridays. And some un-Godly hour on Sunday mornings for one of them. Taking a baby for a walk in the Pram that my mother used for myself and my brothers, assuming, of course, that I continue to win the battles over the War of the Pram. It's things like that that I see so very clearly. I just have to work on my Prince Charming, either wear him down or find a new one! And the new one, if I go that route, will hopefully have similar visions. Hmmm.... Something else to add to my list? See, Dr. Chlorine, I also like my lists.

Terrah

Thank you, Dr. Chlorine. My vocabulary is something I am very proud of and try very hard to cultivate! ;)

Well, it's looming over me. I, the writer, have no idea where to even begin. Trisha's was easy in comparison. I just sat down at the kitchen table and wrote what I felt. To be perfectly honest, I doubt I can say what I really feel this time because I'm not sure what that is. But part of me wants to do something else. I don't know. How dorky would it be to just sing a song that I think represents what they'll really be feeling, because right now, that's where I'm headed. I'll have to stew over this some more. Maybe I'll try writing something and if I'm not happy with it, I'll do the song thing. Hmmm... I'll keep y'all posted.

I detest Valentine's Day. Absolutely cannot stand it. I suppose that this is because I have been single for every single one my entire life and I can't stand walking into every single store and being bombarded with red and pink and white and fake "I Love You" sentiments. If you truly love someone, then do something nice when you aren't required by society to be so. It just seems to cause more stress and anxiety to couples and make single people feel really, really low. Last year, I spent my Valentine's Day with one of my very best friends, just talking. And when I went outside, my car wouldn't work. It turned out it was bad gas. What a bummer. Two years ago, I spent the Dreaded Day with my agoraphobic, Schitzo-effective friend. We watched the most Anti-Valentine's Day and Anti-Love movie I could find- my choice- "Dangerous Liasons"- sooo decadent and sooo bad and sooo, well, just sooo. This year, perhaps, I think I will go in the opposite direction. This year, especially as it falls on a Monday, I think I'll come home from work, hole myself up in my room and watch all five hours of A&E's "Pride and Prejudice", perhaps with a bottle of wine. We shall see. But "Pride and Prejudice" I think it shall be. What a lovely way to counter all of the ill effects of that odious, dreaded day!