YAY! I just booked my trip. I am going to England this May to see my family. I am so excited because now all of my flights are booked- Buffalo to JFK to Heathrow, Heathrow to JFK to Buffalo. I haven't been in nearly six years. In that time, my grandmother moved from the Midlands to the East Coast, my older cousin, Georgina got divorced, had a kid, and remarried (in that order!), my younger cousin Denise, moved and returned from Japan (she hated it there! Total culture shock!), her baby brother Alex moved to New Zealand, got married and had a baby girl, that he and his now estranged wife named Ivy (the funny part here is that their last name is Wall. Imagine naming your baby girl Ivy Wall! It's just so mean!) Also, in that time, my goddaughter/ baby cousin turned 6. 6! I haven't seen her since she was 6 months old! Although I do have a mini shrine to the child! And my Uncle Peter was diagnosed with cancer. My Uncle David also moved, but only three houses down, to a bigger house with an actual conservatory. And my Aunt Ruth, the baby of the family, moved to the coast as well, in order to be close to my grandmother. (She couldn't bear the thought of being without my grandmother!) As you can see, there have been many changes since I've last been there, most especially in world events. I can't wait! Now, I have to get my passport renewed and well, some other personal stuff needs to be, how shall I put this, dealt with. I'M GOING TO ENGLAND! WOO HOO!

Let's see, today at work, I finished balancing my check book. Discovered why I was ten dollars short- which was good. I wrote my goals down for the year. They make take longer than a year, but they are all quite do-able. Somehow, someway, I will accomplish them. That's about it. I may go into more detail later. Then again, maybe not. Bye.

I am late. I am remiss. But, I just had to say that I had *Thee* most wonderful time at Paul's Birthday/ Matt, Paul, Terry's Housewarming Bash! Unfortunately, I had to remain sober, but it was still phenomenal and it was so good to see everyone and to meet new E-strippers as well. (E-strippers... hmmmm... sounds like extra fun!) Anyway, it was nice to be missed and I shall try to now disappear for months at a time anymore, both in the written form and in person. TTFN all!

the Spring (I can't fucking wait for it to get here and for snow and cold to go away!)
Faerie ;)

I had a dream last night that actually woke me up out of sound sleep at 4:30 in the morning, two full hours before I had to get up for work. This dream upset me so much, that I couldn't get it out of my head, making it practically impossible for me to fall back to sleep until my alarm went off at 6:30. (woo hoo.) This dream was about the Boy. Dreams about the boy have a tendency to upset me, so it's a good thing that I only have them about once a year. This morning's dream was as all dreams are, surreal and yet real. I was at the McKinley Mall of all places, and for those of you that know that mall, there is a dry cleaners across from Walden's Book Sellers, but in my dream the dry cleaners was also like a Vegas Wedding Chapel, where you can get married very quickly at any time of day. Well, in this dream, I saw the Boy's mother, his sister and his niece and his sister was getting married in this Wedding Chapel. I talked to them briefly and then went outside. He came after me. I didn't even know he was there. And when I saw him, my eyes immediately focused on his left hand. He was wearing a ring and had gotten married. I was devastated, asking him, "You're married?". I burst into tears and hit him. I was hurt and my first reaction was to strike out. He asked me why and did that and I was walking, kind of in a circle, shaking my head, my heart breaking, and I said, "It's too late! Everyone was telling me to tell you and I never did and now it's too late! I love you! I've been in love with you for years and I never told you." Softly, he replied, "I knew". And then, he kissed me. And it seemed so real. After, I looked at him and asked, "Now, where does that leave us." "I'm still married." "Why? Why her?" "She was there on a suicide watch. I seemed like the right thing to do." My head began to spin, knowing that the marriage wouldn't work, but I couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't have kids by the time it failed. I walked away, feeling utterly destroyed. I wound up, at night in AC Moore (of all places!) and bought a bridal magazine of all things! Then, I woke up, upset (but not crying, unlike the last dream with the boy!) and fitfully trying to go back to sleep.

You know what, I can't believe that it is two thousand and frigging five and there are still people who debate whether evolution is a fact or a merely a theory. The evidence seems pretty damn conclusive that evolution happened, happens, and will continue to happen until we blow the planet to kingdom or the sun explodes! And even then, evolution will be happening someplace else in the universe, I'm sure. I'm a Christian. I most definitely believe in God. I go to church almost every Sunday. I also believe in evolution. Why the hell can't Christian fundamentalists get it through their thick frigging skulls that the Bible is a collection of stories to live our lives by and not, how shall I put this tactfully, FACT! For God's sake! There are people that actually still believe in the Usher Chronology! That's just crazy! And the worst part is, is that these people, uneducated elite, seem to be spreading! Just look at the damn last election! Proof positive that Christian Fundamentalists are sending us all to hell in a fire and brimstone handbasket!

I really must stop being away from the strip for so very long. It is not intentional, I assure you, just a lack of anything interesting or new and to rehash would bore myself, much less all of you. But I have missed this, just spewing thoughts into the cosmos, perhaps inspiring, perhaps amuzing, perhaps just being a mere trifle to while away some boredom. And that is what I am doing today. Today is interminable! I work for HSBC and we are the only bloody bank in the Buffalo area that is actually open on a federal holiday, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. And the real kicker is, that we're working on Next Day's Business, in other words, Tuesday's business, so there is no point to our actually being open and our being here. It's madness, MADNESS I tell you! Hopefully they'll get so much flack about our being open that they will be forced to close next year. I doubt that highly though. That's really all for now. Perhaps something, ANYTHING noteworthy will happen and then you all will be the first to now.

ciao!

Well, it's been forever and day since my last post, and somehow it seems apropos that this current one comes on the last day of the old year.

Why is it that the crossing over of a new year is such a thing for us, as a culture? I mean, really, all it is is a new day. Shouldn't we take each day as a celebration, as the purpose of something new and grand, each hour, each minute? We have the power to change our lives in a heartbeat, so why do we wait until a man-made ideal hits? I'm guilty of it, I admit it. I hope that 2005 is a better year than 2004, but when was the last time that anyone actually had a truly great or memorable year where everything went his/her way? In 2004, in January was the shuttle disaster, which I had all but forgotten about, and that is tragic in it's own way. At the end of January, my great aunt died. Three weeks later, in February, another great aunt, (from the same side and section of the family as the first great aunt) died, and my grandmother. In March, I turned 26. Definitely not a tragedy, unlike 25, which was very difficult. And then the rest of the year actually went fairly well, asides from a horrendous presidential election and that continuation of that wretched, wretched war.

It has been an up and down year for most persons of my acquaintance.

My current connundrum is a long-running connundrum and the only reason that it is current is because he is here, physically in town and being extremely vexing, which I'm not even sure that he knows that he is being extremely vexing. Why do I waste my time? I don't even know anymore. Stupid emotions! Stupid boy! Stupid love! It's so damnedably inconvenient!

Party On!

I've often said that when it comes to men, I don't have a type. I've known that I've always liked pretty boys but other than that, I couldn't see a clear chronology. I've liked dark haired men, blonde men, redheads, gay, straight. Asides from the prettiness, I couldn't see a pattern. Today, I figured it out. I DO like handsome men, but what I'm really attracted to is the brooding enigma. All of the men I've really had a thing for, sometimes bordering on obsession, is that they have this dark, haunting, hidden depth- something I could see and identify with and then spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to figure out. It breaks down like this- Phantom or Raoul? because really that's what catagories there really seem to be. The dark, dramatic haunted soul or the shiny hero .

I keep vascilating. It's almost a bad thing when you have limitless possibilties because then it makes it so hard to choose. I keep going back and forth between moving out into an apartment or staying at home, saving and buying a house in three years. I've decided I'm going back to school next fall to get my master's in El. Ed. and that's decided but it throws so much else into question. If I move out this summer, then I have to keep working full time as well as going to school full time. Or, I could go to school full time and go part time at work, if only to keep my sanity and my grades, but that also means that I can't afford to move out. Some people have asked, "Well, why don't you want to go to school part time?" to which I respond that I want to get my teaching certification by the time I'm 30. And right now, I'm leaning towards buying a house when I'm 30, too. A house, so much responsibility and yet, I have this picture in my head, so clear. That's probably not a good thing. It usually isn't for me. And so I will vascilate on. Eventually, I'll come to some sort of decision.

I had a dream last night about someone that I haven't seen in ages. Dreams like these, the ones where you're re-united with someone that you have unfinished business with, always stick with me for days. I just can't shake the feeling like something is just out of reach. Last night, I dreamed of Michael. I have had a crush on Michael since I was 12. We were in seventh grade and he sat next to me in science class. Our brothers were friends. And he had been my tormentor all through elementary school. Anyway, we sort of flirted around each other all through high school. He changed schools, came back, and we continued to flirt around each other. And, whenever it seemed like we would actually get together, some other stupid boy stepped in and ruined it. I was ending one disasterous relationship, and hoping to start one with him when the idiot with whom it was ending not so subtly warned him off, which I never could understand. Jason didn't want me but he couldn't stand the idea of me being with someone else! Does that make sense to anyone? That was stupid boy number one. Stupid boy number two isn't actually stupid. We were just really drunk and I quickly put a halt, explaining that I really liked Michael and that I always like Michael. Unfortunately, word got back to Michael, just not what I wanted him to hear and I haven't seen him since. I did run into his father one day, at my job. And now this dream. I put a lot of store in dreams. I just wish I knew what to do with it. Do I try to find him, see him, talk to him? I'll have to stew over this for a little while.