Skip to the posts
Buffalo's neighborhood journals since 2003 🌱 Plant🌶️ Spice☀️ Light🌙 Dark

scott’s journal

Pretty sure Vampires don't "sparkle" in sunlight

· · 🌡️ 65°F

I used to love vampire movies. Even the corniest of vampire movies had my attention (Fright Night, anyone?).

Vampires used to be the best bad guys. Evil, cunning villains who you could survive by following a few simple rules that everyone knows. (Garlic, sunlight, wooden stakes, etc.)

I can list off classic vampire flicks by the dozen. Everything from the classic Nosferatu, the animated gem "Vampire Hunter D", to Tarrantino's piece of shit slasher film (From Dusk 'Til Dawn), to the uber-exploitive classic, Blacula. Heck, I'll even chalk up the Lost Boys as a movie I still will watch whenever I catch it on cable. (Who doesn't love the "DEATH BY STEREO!" scene?)

Anne Rice decided to make vampires extra sexy, and Hollywood did a good job transitioning that in Interview with the Vampire. Hardly an Oscar worthy flick, but the vampires were at least kinda bad guys and it was a watchable movie.

For the most part, all vampire movies are somewhat terrible films. The stories are pretty predictable. The special effects are usually pretty lame. By Oscar standards, they're all junk, but they're fun flicks and they keep a tradition of sorts alive.

Then along came Buffy... Joss Whedon used the vampire genre as a springboard for clever writing and a fantistic TV series. (Again, cheesy, but fun.) Not all of his vampires were bad guys, but then again, it was (for the most part) a lighthearted show about dead stuff. Joss Whedon's show redefined the genre a bit and while Buffy (and Angel) were brilliant shows, their influence seems to have killed the vampire as a bad guy.

HBO's latest offering (True Blood) seems to want to be a "more serious" version of Buffy. It's OK for a TV show. I'll watch it because I like the genre. (Special girl falls for "good" vampire with a sordid past... has a bunch of friends who help her thwart evil... same fucking show, without the snappy writing of Joss Whedon.)

What do today's kids get? Twilight. WTF. I'm sorry kids. You're getting cheated. The story just sucks. The characters all suck, yet none of them suck blood. One-dimensional, boring characters who have nothing to offer. The female lead is a helpless damsel in distress who can't make up her mind on whether she wants to fuck a dog or a dead guy. (Niether of which have the balls to actually kill anything.)

This isn't a horror film, or an action film. It appears to be a live action version of "Bunnicula" crossed with an awkwardly written teen-aged masturbatory fantasy. It's completely devoid of anything spooky, scary, or even suspenseful.

My case in point: They swapped out vampires, the most bad-ass of all things-that-go-bump-in-the-night for goddamn fucking faeries that sparkle (yes, sparkle) in sunlight. No, that's not a joke. The vampires in the Twilight Saga sparkle when the sun hits them.

Unfortuantely, I think this is just the tip of the iceberg. Up next, they're going to start making "friendly" wereworlf movies. (Aww fuck... I guess Teen Wolf kinda shit in that pool already.)\

Can't wait to see Hollywood try and make zombies into a cute-n-cuddly monster. It's coming, I'm sure.
531 words · edited Jun 30, 2010

💬 8 comments

  1. tinypliny ·

    Hahaha - did you miss Fido? Zombies are already cute and cuddly. :)

  2. scott ·

    Awww shit. You're right about Fido. However, Fido does kill people as I recall. ;)

  3. metalpeter ·

    Not sure if you are talking about the Twilight series or the newest movie, it doesn't matter really. As with Zombie Movies you have different kinds of movies with in that same type. Twilight (with out seeing the 3rd). Is more a movie about love and High School and the people in it are Vampires. This is the reason why I couldn't get into the Vampire Diaries (not bashing 90210) but that was like that but the people in it were vampires. Now the sparkling I like, I think it might be a kin to those internet pictures with sparkles, think about the picture comments on Fubar or MySpace. I never saw The Lost Boys but didn't they run on the idea that if you wear Sunglasses it protects all of you from the sun? That is both a cool idea and stupid at the same time. I haven't really followed Zombie movies but the same thing is true of them as well. Some movies have zombies that move slow, then you have runners, then in films where some bug takes over they can climb or shoot guns. Everyone has a different take on Vampires. Lets be honest if everyone followed the same rules then all the same vampire movies and TV shows would all be the same and be very dull. I also think twilight is aimed at teens and girls. That being said to talk about True Blood, The Vampire Diaries and Twilight to be honest isn't fair with out also reading what they where based on. I have read none of them. So I can't say if the film versions differ from the books, if they don't then the bashing isn't really fair. I would love to see a more old school Vampire style movie that is really good, but I doubt it will happen for some time. Oh I think the zombie thing Happened Wasn't Irobot considered a zombie flick and those robots where cute......

  4. tinypliny ·

    True, but zombies have to stay in character or in other words, they need to kill some folks or eat some brains within 30 minutes of appearing on-screen (check the zombie guide if you don't believe me!). Otherwise they wouldn't be zombies!

    And you forgot the Hugh Jackman vampire movie! (I forget its name...)

  5. tinypliny ·

    And come on! Mr. Pegg's friend-zombie-who-ends-up-living-in-the-shed does fit the cute and cuddly description.

  6. scott ·

    I did leave out a ton of vampire movies... Salem's Lot, for example, is a great (and spooky) one. I also left out Bram Stoker's Dracula, as I have long tried to block out Wynona Rider and Keanu Reeves doing horrid English accents. The Hugh Jackman movie (Van Helsing?) is really a comic book movie adaptation, but I thought it was entertaining.

    I realize that writers will put their own mark on the genre. That's fine. I just happen to think that Twilight is really, really bad. Embarassingly bad, in fact. The main vampire doesn't drink blood, sparkles in the sun, and drives a fucking Volvo. Need I say more?

  7. scott ·

    Oh almost forgot... I Robot is a shitty action movie bastardization of the book by Isaac Asimov, not a zombie movie.

    Fido, however, is definitely the "cute & friendly" zombie flick, however, it is more of an indie movie than a Hollywood studio film. (it's also really a good movie. Very campy and Billy connolly is great in it. )

  8. metalpeter ·

    Just had to say I fucked up I said the wrong Will Smith movie with i in. In terms of Irobot it is really more of a here is an idea that has been in anime movies and lets make it a live action movie.

💬 Write a comment