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Category: movies

06/30/10 02:07 - 65.ºF - ID#52065

Pretty sure Vampires don't "sparkle" in sunlight

I used to love vampire movies. Even the corniest of vampire movies had my attention (Fright Night, anyone?).

Vampires used to be the best bad guys. Evil, cunning villains who you could survive by following a few simple rules that everyone knows. (Garlic, sunlight, wooden stakes, etc.)

I can list off classic vampire flicks by the dozen. Everything from the classic Nosferatu, the animated gem "Vampire Hunter D", to Tarrantino's piece of shit slasher film (From Dusk 'Til Dawn), to the uber-exploitive classic, Blacula. Heck, I'll even chalk up the Lost Boys as a movie I still will watch whenever I catch it on cable. (Who doesn't love the "DEATH BY STEREO!" scene?)

Anne Rice decided to make vampires extra sexy, and Hollywood did a good job transitioning that in Interview with the Vampire. Hardly an Oscar worthy flick, but the vampires were at least kinda bad guys and it was a watchable movie.

For the most part, all vampire movies are somewhat terrible films. The stories are pretty predictable. The special effects are usually pretty lame. By Oscar standards, they're all junk, but they're fun flicks and they keep a tradition of sorts alive.

Then along came Buffy... Joss Whedon used the vampire genre as a springboard for clever writing and a fantistic TV series. (Again, cheesy, but fun.) Not all of his vampires were bad guys, but then again, it was (for the most part) a lighthearted show about dead stuff. Joss Whedon's show redefined the genre a bit and while Buffy (and Angel) were brilliant shows, their influence seems to have killed the vampire as a bad guy.

HBO's latest offering (True Blood) seems to want to be a "more serious" version of Buffy. It's OK for a TV show. I'll watch it because I like the genre. (Special girl falls for "good" vampire with a sordid past... has a bunch of friends who help her thwart evil... same fucking show, without the snappy writing of Joss Whedon.)

What do today's kids get? Twilight. WTF. I'm sorry kids. You're getting cheated. The story just sucks. The characters all suck, yet none of them suck blood. One-dimensional, boring characters who have nothing to offer. The female lead is a helpless damsel in distress who can't make up her mind on whether she wants to fuck a dog or a dead guy. (Niether of which have the balls to actually kill anything.)

This isn't a horror film, or an action film. It appears to be a live action version of "Bunnicula" crossed with an awkwardly written teen-aged masturbatory fantasy. It's completely devoid of anything spooky, scary, or even suspenseful.

My case in point: They swapped out vampires, the most bad-ass of all things-that-go-bump-in-the-night for goddamn fucking faeries that sparkle (yes, sparkle) in sunlight. No, that's not a joke. The vampires in the Twilight Saga sparkle when the sun hits them.

Unfortuantely, I think this is just the tip of the iceberg. Up next, they're going to start making "friendly" wereworlf movies. (Aww fuck... I guess Teen Wolf kinda shit in that pool already.)\

Can't wait to see Hollywood try and make zombies into a cute-n-cuddly monster. It's coming, I'm sure.
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Category: onion

06/15/10 02:50 - 75.ºF - ID#51894

Beware of Shamens!

Love the Onion...


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