at the pink last night...
around 2 in the mornin' i was so drunk i left my bag in the bathroom. I quickly realized and went back to fetch it. As soon as I found it in the bathroom, i checked inside and realized my camera was missing so i sat on the floor and started crying. 2 women were in there. they went into a stall and one by one returned my things to me, first my keys, then my camera, then my tape, all in the guise of "we just found this". I have some footage from sitting on the floor. More women came in and joined me on the floor, started bitching about romantic relationships. needless to say i left shortly thereafter.
thanks for coming y'all who showed up. silly night there, can't wait till Saturday.

I'm getting nervous now. Maybe I'll throw up right on the floor at Hallwalls.
Hope to see y'all at 8.
beware the bloody hernias.

I'm going around the clock. I have 3 hours to get this reel together. Then I head to soyeon's house. She is having a party lil b-day thing for some art grads and I'm going to dub my shit out to mini-dv while I'm there. Then there is a possibility that I could get drunk. Considering the fact I've been awake for over 24 hours, again... I'm not sure if that would be wise. I'll be so happy when this is over an done and I'm sitting in some weird art place in Greensboro, NC, sweating my vulva off, thinking "what now?"
I've been making audio today. It's insane. My throat hurts. Y'all ever heard my preachin' voice? I'm up to 2 or 3 packs of Marlboro reds a day. This I blame on Courtney. She brought back all my teenage angst. Damn I should go live on her couch in Portland. Ok, enough rant I'm going back to editing. Time to fuck with Schopenhauer, hehe. I enjoy making fun of the dead.

tom just sent me a few pics from when Arzu cut my hair(she beat you to it Lil ho), last Easter Sunday. It's the middle of the afternoon for me. I'm going to be editing video all night. You (e:peeps) had best come out to Hallwalls on Thursday to see my screening... or else, yeah.

my serious academic research lead me to this

I walk alone at night. Usually a few blocks down to the 24 hour Walgreens to get smokes. At least once or twice a month I get hit on by some man from his car. What is creepy is that the last two times it happened, at first I thought the guy was someone I knew so I slowed down to look.
Tonight, or this morning, when it happened I was only a few steps from my house. This man did a U turn and pulled up beside me. I thought it was Chris, my neighbor, so I slowed down. Then I saw it was a complete stranger. He asked me "Where are you going" and I told him "home." Then he asked "where do you live" so I turned away and said "see ya."
Am I a paranoid freak for thinking that this man was insane if he thought I would get into the car with him?
Do any of you men have this problem with unwanted attention from drivers when you are a pedestrian?
Do any of you try to give strange women rides in the middle of the night?
I've been thinking about women's fear of men and wondering about the logic of it.
In the video class I teach it's not uncommon to encounter misogynistic videos made by young men. The last one made me think. Why do young men want to make films that depict violence towards women?
and now...
Why am I afraid to get a ride with a strange man?

Here is a link to a corny still image I made form all the stills I gathered to include in my thesis. I wonder.... I'm I too fucking self absorbed? Should I throw in other people's work? nah

I feel bummed out. I'll be here in my apartment all weekend working and I'm not even sure if that work will be enough to get me out. My Mom wrote to say that it is just her and my Dad coming for commencement, no Kiah. Tony writes to say he probably can't make it to my show Thursday. Arzu and Liz are off getting tattoos abut I'm to scared of permanence and needles to join them. I feel tired. I'm almost flat broke and will be late with my rent this month. There are things going on at Squeaky Wheel tonight but I can't go because I need to edit and write. I'm about to walk to the store for some smokes. I wrote my old flatmate in Weimar an e-mail and he wrote back, making me sad for some reason. My kitchen is still covered in white dust.

Tuesday night I decided to make myself a pot of coffee. Simple enough but I turned on the wrong oven eye. The eye that I did turn on had a pizza pan with a bag of nachos and an over mitt on top of it. I went into the living room and started watching Top Model (trying to get a glimpse into the lives of beautiful women.) When I looked over into the kitchen I could see a sparkly orange color flashing. I ran into the kitchen grabbed the fire extinguisher (something I've always wanted to do) and sprayed that shit down. It smoked up the house
Now it's two days later and my kitchen is covered in white dust and I don't have any nachos. I just made a microwave meal, thinking that I at least wiped off the microwave, but when i took the tray out it got white stuff all over my lap. I ate the food anyway. I wonder if that'll make me sick.
The thesis shit is going. I'll be working all weekend but I'm thinking to go to Hallwalls Sat night and watch some films about hysteric women. Anybody want to go wit me?.

I'm going to be spending part of my summer in an old thrift store in Greensboro . I'll get to make fun things and play around... search for Hell's half acres. I have a thesis screening at Hallwalls on May 4th an 8pm. That's my good self concerned news. Other than that I'll be writing my thesis still... this writing part is killing me. I don't understand. Writing right now is ok. If I think of stupid enough things I could even write forever. It's not like anyone is going to read all this unless they are really bored anyway. I wonder if anyone will read my thesis paper.

I can write about my black hoodie. Someone left it at my old apt. in Atlanta. I've had it for years. I think it belonged to my upstairs neighbor, Nicole Hooks. She was a photographer who had a job as a parking valet(is that what it's called?) so she took pictures of the interiors of peoples cars. Last I heard Nicole moved to San Fransisco. She's originally from Connecticut. Her roommate was Emily Dehl. She moved to Boston.

I think I'm getting weirded out because soon I'll be moving around again, meeting people and losing people, I reckon I'm going to become one of those outatowner e-:stripers. I wonder how long that will last? How long will (e:Paul) keep the site going?

We should have study with Sarah Paul. Then maybe I'd feel like a dumbass for writing a blog rather than working on my thesis. Academic writing is to much pressure. I'm resentful of the system. I wish I attended black mountain college. I wonder how they did their grading. I wonder how they got money to live off of?

I need to decide where I'm going at this point. I know I'll move my shit out of my apartment but I'm not sure if I'll put it in storage of drive it down to GA. I know I will not need it through the summer. I may go crazy if I stay at my Mama and Deddy's to long. One month I can stay there maybe... NC a month but after that....It's looking like Portland or Brooklyn. My family prefers east coast. My friend Courtney would provide me a couch in Portland.

It's up in the air. That's nice. Drift a little. I wish I could go around more. Down to Mexico. I have some fascination for Mexico due to the beat generation.

Whistling woman, cackling hen, always come to no good end.

That's what my Mawmaw says. It will be nice to sit on the back porch swing with Mawmaw. She's getting older. She was only 29 for years. Seems like I batted my eyes and now she's almost 80. I wonder if she would eat some rabbit with me?

I know it's sick to all you animal lovers. How could I eat a cute rabbit? Ever since I saw a frozen rabbit in the grocery store in Germany I've grown more and more curious about it. Warehouse matt told me I could go buy a rabbit for eating at the Broadway market. I'm not sure where to get one in Adairsviille. I guess I'll have to jump that hurtle when I come to it.

I just hitched a ride home with Ayse. We talked about visa's and traveling. I never got my VISA in Germany because I was afraid of the immigration officers but I never ran into problems at the airport. It's different for most people. They get into big trouble without their papers.

I want to travel to places that don't give a damn about papers, anyone's papers. I wish I had the balls to be a prostitute. Then I could take my work everywhere and go all over. To bad there are so many sick fucks in the world.

My battery is dying so I'm finishing this journal.

This is the poster I made for my screening. It's supposed to be 17 inches wide so It's going to look a little funny here.