I turn on the TV and flip through the 250 channels but nothing is on. I go into the kitchen and look at shelves full of food but I find nothing to eat.
My sister made me burn this song for her. You gotta love dolly's hard candy Christmas.

Hey, maybe I'll dye my hair
Maybe I'll move somewhere
Maybe I'll get a car
Maybe I'll drive so far
They'll all lose track
Me, I'll bounce right back
Maybe I'll sleep real late
Maybe I'll lose some weight
Maybe I'll clear my junk
Maybe I'll just get drunk on apple wine
Me, I'll be just

Fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down

I'll be fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow get me way down

Hey, maybe I'll learn to sew
Maybe I'll just lie low
Maybe I'll hit the bars
Maybe I'll count the stars until dawn
Me, I will go on

Maybe I'll settle down
Maybe I'll just leave town
Maybe I'll have some fun
Maybe I'll meet someone
And make him mine
Me, I'll be just

Fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting throung tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down

I'll be fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down

I'll be fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down

'cause I'll be fine
(I'll be fine)
Oh, I'll be fine

I'll be back in Buffalo at 11 tomorrow. Perhaps I will feel more normal once I get back to my little apartment on Normal. Maybe I'll see some of y'all at the pink this Wednesday!

Ok
So here
the famous,

The sleep of reason produces monsters
1797-98



Here is a further description of this plate.

Perhaps isolation has caused a slight alternation of my reason currently. I'm not so isolated in physical space as I am in mental. Soon that will be switched around. I will once again be able to comprehend the signs that signify mundane dinner conversation.

and here is a link to Goya's Black Painting series


I'm not a huge fan of old paintings but Goya is where I make an exception. When I was a child flipping through my daddy's art history book, "Art Throughout the Ages" a 1960's version; the one painting that always stood out to me was "Saturn Devouring His Children." I misread the title in my youth at thought it was titled "Satan Devouring His Children" and it frightened me so much because I was a child and I couldn't think of why anyone would want to eat me. I wonder why I didn't identify myself as a child of Jesus? I was saved and baptised after all. I knew. I already knew. God Damn

I have a more strange than usual sleeping pattern at the moment. last night I slept from 1am to 5am then from 3pm to 9pm then from midnight to 3am. Every sleep I've had a mediocre dream about everyday life. Here is the one I just had. I had taken my flatmate, Albrecht to Adairsville (my hometown) and we were walking through st. elmo (getto but nice) on our way back from the store. It was night time. The moon was a projection. It was really pissing me off, that moon. I was so angry that some person had the nerve to fuck with my moon, your moon, every body's moon, ya know? Even what they were projecting wasn't complete. It was only random titles that said things like "sample text."

Ok, Other than that I have a presentation in 7 hours. Another informal presentation at the local watering hole on Wednesday night. I need to get a train ticket for berlin on thursday and I have a flight to atlanta friday(13th hahaha) morning. Then after a night or two of coddling Kiah and incessant nagging from my dear mama I will once again be in Buffalo. Oh Buffalo.

back to one of my oldest user pics...
I think I was around 8 or 9 years old in that pic. The bathing suit in the picture brings up a funny memory for me. That was my sisters bathing suit. One day I got mad at her so I cut the crotch out of that suit, hahaha. Like she wouldn't notice. God, I'm so stupidly vindictive sometimes.
I'll be back in Buffalo in 10 days or so, see y'all then

back to one of my oldest user pics...
I think I was around 8 or 9 years old in that pic. The bathing suit in the picture brings up a funny memory for me. That was my sisters bathing suit. One day I got mad at her so I cut the crotch out of that suit, hahaha. Like she wouldn't notice. God, I'm so stupidly vindictive sometimes.
I'll be back in Buffalo in 10 days or so, see y'all then

Gracie turned three yesterday. My sister sent me this picture from her cell phone. Gracie is the littlest one. She is a darling.

since I am the one who does the whole journal thing and talks about my day too much, here goes...
well actually I'm going to write about my night last night. Albrecht came back from erfurt or where ever and said he was going to see a classical choir perform in Jena and he said I could come with. I thought shit why not and got on my bike and peddled and peddled to the train station.
We stopped for some gluhwien and went to to the concert. The 2nd half of this show was a gospel choir, which was strange for me to see. I must say it was a far cry from the Gospel of snow springs Baptist church in Adairsville. Really the only song I knew that they performed was "go Tell it on the mountain" it's only today i realize that i know this one not from church growing up but from the bob Marley version .
I tried to explain a bit to Albrecht and Anna what i knew about Gospel. The symbology of the river Jordan for the Mississippi in the underground railroad and the like. I think Albie has a different concept from me as to what gospel music is. This German gospel choir with all their damn christmas carols blowed and we all agreed on that. I was wearing the appropriate clothing though, in "my heat belongs to Satan" baby tee.
After I got back from Jena I went home cooked up a funky carrot onion soup then went off to the falcon to find Naomi. I ran inside the falcon bar but no Naomi, so I went to her house and she gave up on me, said "u stood me up" and was curled up in bed watching a film. I dragged her out of bed and back to the falcon, where we preceded to get drunk with a bunch of Bavarians. Then we did the twist to Little Richards "Lucille," got all the germans twisting as well. The Czech Republic guy, who told me the joke about americans, asked me if there was any chance for love between us. I told him "I love u but i don't wanna marry u" and ran off. One of the Bavarian guys, Daniel, told me to read this mark Twain essay called "the awful German language" . Once my head is cleared up from last night I will certainly take a closer look at it but for now I type this journal and listen to the Pixies "where is my mind"
After Falcon around 5 in the morning. Me, Naomi, and our new found friend, Satan (Phillip really, although it took me a while to get that out of him) went over to a student occupied house for an international party. Naomi became really happy because she finally found some Italians in Weimar. I sat on the couch and some dude tried to mack it to me, but I wasn't having that so... I ran out of cigarettes and money and went home.
the end

Get on the damn instant messenger some time, won't you?

Strange day here in weimar. my buddy Naomi returned from Lithuania and we seem to be crazy together. if one of us is being calm the other is all motivated and encouraging the other. this can be dangerous if the motivation is drinking Lithuanian vodka. Albrecht started it with his gluhwein during dinner. he says it's not his fault though.
so this morning after our vodka night was pretty terrible. i woke up at 6 in the morning and purged out my insides for a few hours. went into the kitchen and told my flatmates "i'm dying". schnigg called me a drunkard and i got no sympathy so i went to lay down and sleep it off. about that time naomi pops in chipper as could be. so i fed her full of food and ideas(Jose Vasconcelos). later that night we attempted to make buffalo wings. this was quite a challenge here in weimar. we ended up cutting up a whole chicken and having buffalo chicken. it was interesting. then liza came and she and viv cooked up some brussel sprouts, mashed potatoes, and liver. it was my first time to have liver and i have to say, liver is awesome. my mama would be impressed.
from binge to purge over the course of the day. now i need to write up a little project proposal just to make sure i will be able to get this project together in january. it's presents a challenge to negotiate for all of the things speaking english. this is why a list of equipment and permits for the space is something that i need to make sure of in a hurry.

Last night Nickos asked me to come have a beer with him and so I walked down to the Falcon. Some Czech guy bought me some Czech drink and i started drinking that. Then I picked up a German lesbian in the hallway(she looked lonely) and she came to sit with me and nickos. She had a funny little ring that had a little container which she said back in the day, the ring was used to poison enemies. While we were sitting the Czech guy came back and asked if i was Canadian so I lied and said yes. Then he told us a joke that went something like this.
When an American moves to Canada the national IQ of Canada goes down but also the national IQ of the US goes down because only a smart American would want to move to Canada.
The lesbian girl didn't like the joke and started to banter with the guy in German. I fessed up my country or origin and I think I embarrassed the guy but he got over it and started rocking to some Swedish guitar player who sounded like Hendrix, playing a Bach song on the guy's cell phone.

I have around an hour before my date at the crossroads. I'm drinking red wine, rotwein, to prepare myself(i think the devil really really likes drinking). Today is sad because I have no camera, so the only documentation I can do will be through my words. I should e-mail uberNaomi and ask about the ewerk space. My good friend,, standard Naomi has offered to help me build a tee pee to help control the smoke i will eventually need to project onto.
This means that now i'm taking two things. The hoodoo and the teepee. Are these mine, do they relate to me somehow as an American of mostly European decent? One thing I've learned in Weimar is that I am not european. This is obvious because of paperwork. I've also noticed that you can tell sometimes the origin of a person by looking at them. I see the Cameron Diaz smile allot here. For a while I was trying to figure out where people would think I was from if only i would keep my mouth shut. They say France, Croatica and Ireland usually, although my last name is British, apparently I'm not drab enough to be British. The patriarchal line is just a tiny strand of things.
Back to my commemoration though. I'm not making art that directly references the holocaust but I am making something that references torture and conquer of the place where I'm from. I'm not doing it in a guilty way. I feel no guilt for slavery or colonization. I wasn't even an egg in an ovary at that point. I do feel like shit for things that happen today but at the same time I feel almost as powerless as the victimized being a 24 year old woman who is hopelessiy in debt only because I wanted to continue my education.
So my commemoration of the things my supposed blood ancestors did is not a sculpture of dead babies, nor is it anything painful or boring. I'm doing what all the colonist have done in the past. I'm taking the great things from the cultures that have been victimized in order to serve myself. Hoodoo is great. Tepees are great. I want to use both because they're better, much bett that st. nick or baby jesus sacrafice. Save me from the right wing! Can I make this meaningful and not just a passive piece of shit succumbing to all the bullshit that was going on before as well as now?