Last night in Washington DC and I went to my first gay bar. What a dissapointment. I go and spend almost $60 on a new outfit and nothing. What that diid to myself esteem!! It was already low...and now it is even lower. I want to cry :-(

So many cute boys here at NASPA...and NO ONE talked to me.

F the world.

I leave for Washington DC in abou 3 hours for part of my Spring Break! (e:Ladycroft) and I as well as the other grads in our program are heading down for a 5-day conference. Should be good times :-)

I was woken up at 4:15am by the sound of two people having sex in the showers. My bedroom/bathroom are built behind the guys bathroom on the floor I live on. (I live in a Residence Hall at UB for those of you who don't know; I am the Assistant Hall Director). Yeah. . THAT was interesting.

The latest saga with my boyfriend continues. Here's the latest for those if you keeping score at home. Since I am leaving for DC as this is Spring Break for both UB and Canisius, I thought it might be nice to see Drew since i wont' see him for two weeks. Of course I got the whole "We can hang out for a bit but I will probably have plans with my friends". Of course. So I pick him up at 6. There are some errunds that I have to do to get ready for DC and he wanted to go to the Dollar Tree. Then we eat dinner at McDonalds. We get back to my apartment about 8 and he goes instatnly to my computer and starts to make his plans for the later part of the night. I'm like "how nice". We have limited time together ANYWAY and he uses our time together to make plans WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

So anyway, once he finished making his plans, we sit on the couch and watch a movie (part of it as it was almost over). I figured that since I wasn't going to see him for two weeks, we might well...you know. Nope. Bastard didn't even kiss me. I'm like WTF! So his friends call and somehow I get invited. Okay sure why not. I'm on duty. . . I have nothing else to do. We go to Friendly's and I am totally ignored for 2 hrs. Drew and his friends talk about theater crap and such...and I just sit there like a bafoon smiling and laughing at just the right moments. I never heard Drew talk so much.

These next two weeks I think are going to be used to rethink and re-evaluate things.

(WIKIPEDIA - typeHere)

So you might be asking what pray tell is the prize that someone might be winning. The prize is the attention of my boyfriend for the night. Yes, my boyfriend. And why do you ask is he up for a prize? Well, he put himself up on that pedestal himself. I am now playing the waiting game to see if there are any plans with his friends before he decides to hang out with me for the night.

Okay, so I know what you are thinking. . .if he plays games like this, why do I put up with it? Well the answer is simple! (Okay, maybe not so simple as I thought but its an answer! Yeah so what if it is REALLY fucked up). The answer is this, but beware tho it comes in three-fold

1.) I love him
2.) I don't think I could get anyone else to date me. You see, I have low self-esteem and have an extreamly negative outlook on myself. I know, I know that's not good. How can I love someone if I don't love myself. (Obviously you can tell that I have heard this ALL before). I just do. Whenever I look in the mirror, I get a disgusted look on my face and can't stand to look in it anymore. Not normal is it? I know. I just don't know how change my perception of myself.
3.) No other guy would be interested in a fat, ugly mess as myself.

That pretty much sums it up for the most part. Plus Drew has the first guy well, he was my first for a lot of things (but not ALL things).

That's my story and i'm sticking to it (as lousy as it is).

9:48pm and still waiting...i'll probably lose. He says that we will spend tomorrow together regardless. Well of course we will. . . he needs someone to take him to Wegmans. Well at least I am good for something.

I win by default. How special

(WIKIPEDIA - typeHere)

(WIKIPEDIA - typeHere)

(WIKIPEDIA - typeHere)

When I get stressed, my body hatres me and I feel like I am going to be sick. This my friends is how I have felt all night. Why do you ask? Becasue I let myself get all worked up over a stupid assignment for my History of Higher Ed class. Tell me, can I get anymore stupid?

I mean, I know this is stupid but yet it still happends. However, I have yet to really find a way to make it NOT happen. Its like an unconscious thing. It just naturally occurs without me thinking about it. One minute i'm find and next thing...BOOM...there goes my stomach. BLAH!

I hate my life sometimes.

Its funny how random the mood to write will strike me. I was down in Perks with another Assistant Hall Director when I got this strange urge to just write. I used to get like that when I was younger and wrote several short stories about a detective named Henry Michaels (Middle name and First Name). My favorite story was when he was called on a case to find Geo. Washington's Missing Wooden False Teeth. I wish I saved it from my old comptuer. Who knows...I could have published it and make TONS of money! I guess hindsight is 20/20!

There has been a lot of stuff floating in my head the past week or so. Some good, some not so good and some kinda dirty! (But hey...i'm allowed I'm a guy! What is it they say...guys think of sex every 3sec? 5sec? I wonder if that is different for a gay guy? I sware I think about sex every 1.79sec). Anyways, back to what's floating in my head.

This is the week that my Hall Director hears back whether or not she got the job that she interviewed for. She HAS to hear tomorrow either way because she was told she would her in about two weeks...and that time is now. At times I wish that she didn't tell me that she ihad a job interview. I just keep thinking about the what ifs that might happen. I mean, what if she gets the job? I am going to have to do my work as an Assistant Hall Director ON TOP of the regular Hall Director work. I just don't know if I am going to be able to do it with taking classes and such. So that has been a BIG problem in my head

Secondly, I just realized today that I am going to Washington D.C in a few weeks and really don't have money for it. The trip is pretty much paid for except for maybe some lunches/dinners and extra things. I am probably going to have to ask my mom for a loan which i'm not excited about becasue I don't know when I am going to be able to pay her back. <Sigh>

Thirdly I am having SEVERE self-esteem issues lately. My clothes are fitting differently (some not at all) and that really makes me angry with myself. How could I let me self to get fat? So now I feel that I am fat and ugly and worthless and doubt everything that I do. That is def. not a good feeling to have. I am attempting to eat A LOT healthier and not snacking. I went to Wegmans on Sunday and spent $7.79 for my weekly groceries. It seems that unconsciously that I am trying not buying food and starving myself a little in hopes that I will lose weight that way. But I doubt that is going to work.

Forthly I am severly procrastinating with my grad school work. I have tons of work for my Tech class (although 100% pointless and worthless) and I just have not got around to doing it yet. I guess I enjoy procrastination like I do masturnbation...I dunno. (You know the saying...Procrastination is like masturbation...at first it feels good but in the end your just fucking yourself). Hmm..(e:TheeCarey) never head that..maybe its only a Binghamton thing...I dunno! <scratches head>

See that's a lot of stuff in my head jsut floating! Plus not to mention that this is February (middle of it)! I sware I just moved to Buffalo in Aug and into my apartment at UB! And now all of a sudden I am reapplying for my job here! Where did the time go?!?! GOOD GOD!

Well yeah, this is a long rambling of odd stuff. Like I said when I get in the mood I just type and type. But I feel that I should end this with something enlightening or intelligent or maybe a good quote that someone said!!!

Ah yes...I know the perfect quote! In the infamous words of someone VERY VERY famous..."th th th that's all folks"! (Okay..may not be the most intelligent or enlightening thing ever...but it works!)

OH! By the way...welcome (e:kwhoissuper) to (e:strip)! Good luck with the foreskin thing!