When I get stressed, my body hatres me and I feel like I am going to be sick. This my friends is how I have felt all night. Why do you ask? Becasue I let myself get all worked up over a stupid assignment for my History of Higher Ed class. Tell me, can I get anymore stupid?

I mean, I know this is stupid but yet it still happends. However, I have yet to really find a way to make it NOT happen. Its like an unconscious thing. It just naturally occurs without me thinking about it. One minute i'm find and next thing...BOOM...there goes my stomach. BLAH!

I hate my life sometimes.

Its funny how random the mood to write will strike me. I was down in Perks with another Assistant Hall Director when I got this strange urge to just write. I used to get like that when I was younger and wrote several short stories about a detective named Henry Michaels (Middle name and First Name). My favorite story was when he was called on a case to find Geo. Washington's Missing Wooden False Teeth. I wish I saved it from my old comptuer. Who knows...I could have published it and make TONS of money! I guess hindsight is 20/20!

There has been a lot of stuff floating in my head the past week or so. Some good, some not so good and some kinda dirty! (But hey...i'm allowed I'm a guy! What is it they say...guys think of sex every 3sec? 5sec? I wonder if that is different for a gay guy? I sware I think about sex every 1.79sec). Anyways, back to what's floating in my head.

This is the week that my Hall Director hears back whether or not she got the job that she interviewed for. She HAS to hear tomorrow either way because she was told she would her in about two weeks...and that time is now. At times I wish that she didn't tell me that she ihad a job interview. I just keep thinking about the what ifs that might happen. I mean, what if she gets the job? I am going to have to do my work as an Assistant Hall Director ON TOP of the regular Hall Director work. I just don't know if I am going to be able to do it with taking classes and such. So that has been a BIG problem in my head

Secondly, I just realized today that I am going to Washington D.C in a few weeks and really don't have money for it. The trip is pretty much paid for except for maybe some lunches/dinners and extra things. I am probably going to have to ask my mom for a loan which i'm not excited about becasue I don't know when I am going to be able to pay her back. <Sigh>

Thirdly I am having SEVERE self-esteem issues lately. My clothes are fitting differently (some not at all) and that really makes me angry with myself. How could I let me self to get fat? So now I feel that I am fat and ugly and worthless and doubt everything that I do. That is def. not a good feeling to have. I am attempting to eat A LOT healthier and not snacking. I went to Wegmans on Sunday and spent $7.79 for my weekly groceries. It seems that unconsciously that I am trying not buying food and starving myself a little in hopes that I will lose weight that way. But I doubt that is going to work.

Forthly I am severly procrastinating with my grad school work. I have tons of work for my Tech class (although 100% pointless and worthless) and I just have not got around to doing it yet. I guess I enjoy procrastination like I do masturnbation...I dunno. (You know the saying...Procrastination is like masturbation...at first it feels good but in the end your just fucking yourself). Hmm..(e:TheeCarey) never head that..maybe its only a Binghamton thing...I dunno! <scratches head>

See that's a lot of stuff in my head jsut floating! Plus not to mention that this is February (middle of it)! I sware I just moved to Buffalo in Aug and into my apartment at UB! And now all of a sudden I am reapplying for my job here! Where did the time go?!?! GOOD GOD!

Well yeah, this is a long rambling of odd stuff. Like I said when I get in the mood I just type and type. But I feel that I should end this with something enlightening or intelligent or maybe a good quote that someone said!!!

Ah yes...I know the perfect quote! In the infamous words of someone VERY VERY famous..."th th th that's all folks"! (Okay..may not be the most intelligent or enlightening thing ever...but it works!)

OH! By the way...welcome (e:kwhoissuper) to (e:strip)! Good luck with the foreskin thing!

Yes know its the wee hours of Monday morning and I am JUST getting around to posting some pics from Thursday nights activities. I've been busy! Anyways, on to the pics!





Hoping for a bullseye! (Don't I look HOT?) ;-)






(e:Theecarey) throws and hopefully hits the board (she was having issues)






(e:) Ladycroft, throws like a pro






My friend Susan from LI who came up for the weeks attempts her 2nd time EVER playing darts






Maybe with her eyes covered, (e:Theecarey) might do better!






(e:ladycrost) I and covering while (e:theecarey) shoots! (out of picture are the group of guys that (e:theecarey) eventually will hit with a wild dart)





(e:ladycroft) is the winner! (Lucky throw)



(e:ladycroft) is the victim of a run-by stapling as she hots her head on a staple sticking out of the wall. The Arrow helps to point it out



(e:Kangarooboi) (myself) with Susan and (e:ladycroft). Sadly (e:Theecarey) had left before this pic could be taken.

HoweverI do have some mysterous photos of (e:theecarey) that magically appeared on my camera. I wonder how THAT could have happened?!? :-p

(e:Theecarey) and I..(My new SOCO and Lime Buddy)





(e:Jenks) and I





(e:Jenks) and (e:Ladycroft) giving me some lovin!







(e:Ladycroft) getting a nice feel from Baby's Daddy!

AHHH!! I so do not know how to use (e:strip) yet!!! So, with that being said, I will now write for the FORTH time about tonight!!

Tonight was GREAT! (e:Ladycroft), myself and some Canisius friends went out tonight to Cole's. However, when we got there we found out that the bar was closed becasue of a private party and moved next door to Mr.Goodbar. Such good times!
While there, I was given the pleasure of meeting some of the wonderful (e:strip) peeps! (e:Theecarey) and (e:Jenks) are two of the most wonderful ladies I have ever met (next to (e:Ladycroft) :-p). Plus, (e:Theecarey) is the best SOCO and Lime partner EVER!
I also had the pleasure of meeting (e:Terry), (e:Matthew), (e:Paul) & (e:Joshua). While I did not really get a chance to speak to them very much, I am hoping I will in the future. (E:Ladycroft) has told me so much about them (especially (e:Paul), (e:Terry) and (e:Matthew)) I feel like I know them already. (E:Decoyisryan) was also there, but I did not get a chance to meet him personally.

If you are interested in seeing pics from tonight, click on "Pics" over on the right and go to the album labeled "Night Out" (or something like that). Such good times!!

Walls are closing in, the room is getting smaller;
I feel I am suffocating within the limits of my apartment.
I climb the walls, leaving scratch marks as I fall back down,
crumbling in a heep on the floor.
My fingers, they bled with the chance to escape,
but alas, escape is just not in the cards.

So yeah, I just don't know!! Maybe by this time next week I might be playing that single game. Which would be interesting since it would be the first time being single while being "out". But its, so hard being single. That means I have to go out, meet new people blah blah blah.

But you know, I can't do that. I am SO self-conscious about how I look I can't do it. You know, that's a HUGE problem with the GLBT community. Many are so focused on how the person looks, they forget about everything else. Yes, I may not be the most attractive individual (which I find hard to believe) but gish darn it, there's a LOT more to me than just that. But of course if I am not physically appealing to the eye, they won't get to see what I am all about.

But i'm talking like Drew and I are over....which we are not. We had a nice converstaion last night about everyhting. We'll see what happens. He said that he would try to be there more for me and to do things for me to show that he actually cares. BUT...of course I get an IM tonight when I was out shopping with my RAs that he might not be over tonight becasue some of his friends are having a labrynth movie night and they are very domminering and he might be firced into going. Umm...yeah..PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN AND SAY YOU CAN'T GO!! Its not that hard!

No matter what, I am going to be seen as the bad guy. He is trying to put everythung all on me. the way he is talking, he's making it sound like I am forcing him to change who he is to be more of the way that I want him. But i don't think that I am...am I? I mean, it is too much to be asked to have a little love in return?

So perhaps I have some sort of a chemical imbalance going on with my synapses and axons and their terminals in my brain. (Wow...I remember something from my Biological Psych class!). I really think that (e:Jinks) was right...I needed to get a good night sleep. I feel SO much better than I did last night. I had a LONG day of meetings and the like. Thursdays really suck! But hey...I got to do what I got to do to get the paycheck!!

I think I really connected with a hall director here tonight. We went out to Tully's and then went to ColdStone Creamery (Maple and Transit). It was REALLY nice to get out of the apartment as well as find someone to talk to. Not that I don't have people to talk to...but she knows that I am going through first hand. It was exactly what the doctor ordered. :-)

Tonight I feel very distant, almost "out in left field" from everyone and everything. I attempt to hide this and act like my "normal" self, but I am really starting to wonder what my "normal" self actually is. Perhaps THIS is normal and everything else is all a big facade. I just don't know anymore.

I wish I can put my finger on everything. I don't know if it is just one thing that brings me down or if it just a combination of everything that gets all rolled into one HUGE thing that will eventually make me explode. I mean, there is just so many things going on (or not going on) that is really making life difficult.

1.) Not able to see Drew--He has rehearsals for a show he is in at the end of February Tues-Sun all at night. I am lucky if I get to see him one or two nights a week. That is a HUGE change from last semester as we got used to seeing each other 4 days of the week, spending 3 days together consistently. Now...who the hell knows. PLUS...does he even think of just sending an IM saying "hi...hope all is well, I miss you and love you etc". . . NO.

2.) Work is starting to get annoying. We just hired a new RA which FINALLY beings us back up to full staff (16 RAs). But now I have to recreate a new duty schedule which is SUCH A PAIN! And then I have RAs who rant and rave about things about their jobs that they don't like to do etc...SUCK UP AND DEAL! If you don't like it..QUIT!!!!!!!!!! Add on top of that, I feel that the RHD treats me like an RA at times and not as an Assistant Hall Director. I think that she forgets sometimes that we are more equal than she gives credit for. Again, this is something that I should talk to her about but I don't like being very assertive.

3.) I think that major thing is that I really feel alone. With Drew in rehearsals and not really having anyone here at UB that I can really talk too and confide in is just starting to get too much. I miss my friends. I miss that "hey, let's go out somewhere" or just that general "come on over and lets watch a movie". Instead, I sit alone in my apartment with me, myself and I. And when that happends, I start to think. And when I start to think, I get in moods like this that I just cannot shake. I wish I knew how isolated I would be when I came here. :-(

First of all, I want to take this opportunity to thank the following people: (e:ladycroft) (e:jenks) and (e:metalpeter) for taking the time and respond to my last entry. You all have offered advice and input on my current situation and I appreciate it.

Things might be getting a little better. We had a little conversation about the subject matter and he said he will really try harder to be more appreicative and give more. We'll see. I just don't want to end it with him. I really love the guy. I freakin chose to come to Buffalo just for him, to be close to him. But i'm glad I did because then I would not have ever met the totally awesome beautiful (e:ladycroft) in which then my life would not have EVER been complete! :-)