i seriously just ate a piece of chocolate cake, a plate full of home fries with franks hot, a donut, apple juice and 2 mountain dews. this is another bad thing about coporate america. there is always free food. there is always donuts and birthday cake. whoever said there isn't such a thing as a free lunch is full of crap. although i suppose my payment is the 15lbs i have gained since working here. i'm not going to fit in my coporate cas'.

now i am seriously considering lunch. the menu today looks pretty good:


i got another speeding ticket last nite. i seriously have the worst car luck. i SWEAR i wasn't even speeding. i would admit it. i didn't even have enough time to get goin - i was just pulling out of the gym. the person in front of me pulled over too - and when i pulled aside he drove away. it was him. i know it. blah. the cop was so cliche too. his name was Quigley and looked like Jerry Stiller. how many tickets can i get til i lose my license?


in the time i wrote this i also just got a piece of eggplant parmeson.

another weekend came and passed. it was lazy and self indulgent. my kinda weekend.
friday i went out too hard, leading to a saturday of movies and eating. i am appalled i even made it to the mall.

someone texted me saturday nite with: "U R in the bathroom here....famous"
this is unsettling, especially considering i don't recognize the number. the only place i can say for sure my name is on the wall is the girl's bathroom of Mohawk. its all over that place. one section has scrawled in monstrous letters:

"COLEMAN LOVES REID" (after a nite of drunken debauchery years ago- probably watching the waves.)

and:

"COLEMAN IS MY BEAST OF BURDEN"
(that one i didn't notice for weeks. apparently it is the work of dyan - who also has applied this to the stall of her local Dallas dive as well. as to what it means - long story.)

yesterday i finally saw brokeback mountain and ate my leftover Off The Wall tortellini. there was some serious movie commenters behind me in the regal. it was a running commentary the entire time. i despise these people. yea i know its a sad story. yea i know jake gyllenhaul is very attractive. yea i know they are having sex. yea i know the scenery is lovely. shut up.

is it legal for me to be working today? according to my desktop calendar my next day off is not until may 29th. memorial day. i hate my life.

what a ridiculous morning.
i woke up late - i had fallen asleep on my couch. i had an early morning at 9am. my boss has already been on me about comin g in late etc. so i literally pulled on a pair of pants and ran out the door. i drove like a maniac down the 198 to a 33. by the time i hit Cayuga i had slowed down a bit - and i looked like i could make it there with a few minutes to spare. until the van in front of my spun out on the ice and i slammed on my breaks. and did a 360. and slammed into her. blah.
i am fine and my car only has minor damage. after the cop left i noticed that i had had the imprinted lines of my couch cushion all down the side of my face. i must have looked ludicrous.

a belated valentine from me. hope you all had a good one.

this weekend i realized i was officially old.
at the 1039 party [inlink]jacksmack,26[/inlink] this weekend i was waiting in the bathroom line behind several (suspiciously young looking) girls. they were engaged in what seemed a fairly intense conversation on how their friend was a "hollaback girl." now i have heard the song of course - but i have never heard humans use this in actually context. i had no idea what they were even talking about. i don't even know what a hollaback girl is! upon relaying this story to (e:jacksmack) the next day he advised me that i had no idea what the definition was because i am old. of course neither did he - so i didn't feel so bad.

i think the highlight of my weekend was getting a new set of couches via my mom. finally i can rest easy on my own couch. the pair we had before did not offer comfort whatsoever. the one was stained in puke (and god knows what else) and up on blocks. the other we received from a random hippie off the street and it was missing the bottom, so in fact the cushions were resting on a tangled web of wires and one plank of wood board which in fact broke in half not too long. mmm i can't wait to go home and watch 24 on them.

that information on the tunnel to the pink and (e:robin)'s pictures really peaked my interest. this weekend i did some more digging. i found out that in the 1920's they covered up approximately 5 miles of the scajacquada river to make room for more houses. there is literally an underground river passing under a good portion of the city. not really as Ghostbusters 2 as you would think though. the water level is pretty low. you can walk through most of it. which is almost scarier. one of the entries is right at Forest Lawn Cementary. anyone up for a little adventure when the weather is warmer?

i decided this weekend that i really hate merlins. it has made it in my top ten list of over hates, along with cats and starter jackets. it smells very badly in there, the bartender is very mean and the pool table is illly placed.

i saw transamerica on monday. very well done...felicity huffman is amazing in it. i think the best part of the movie, though, is when you pay with a $10 bill at the north park theater you get a $2 bill as change!

this is one of those crazy weeks where i can't say no to anything. after the movie monday, me and theresa wandered over to sidebar where my roommate was. there was an open bar and free pizza. my kinda nite. they even let me control the music in which i mixed up splashdown, charlie parker, the cure and broken social scene. had a good conversation with some girl about spain. my have ruined my chances with another guy when he overheard me giving the telnet address for the entire starwars movie in code.
last nite my roommate and i stopped into broadway joes and indulged in some $2 pitchers. tonite we'll go to luna as normal. tomorrow ill be a the sabres game. full week. but it makes it go faster.

one of my girlfriends made an AMAZING dvd for me for my birthday with interviews and pictures and what not. most of the actual footage is from my birthday party - and most of it is ridiculous. (aka theresa talking about how i am a very agressive skater and some guy from my high who claims i was his favorite track runner because he could watch my 'jumblys' go up and down.) there is a shot of a group of (e:strip)pers taking over my living room and a really funny shot of what looks like 2 of you rolling a joint - but when zoomed in it is a brain teaser puzzle you are playing with. after the superbowl i made everyone watch this 3 times back to back. it plays the allman brother 'jessica' in the background for part of it, as i was named after this song. i wish i could find a way to load it on here....

well i think groundhogs day is my equivalent to friday the 13th. i had a really, really bizarre day.

first of all. i found out that my best man friend is actually on (e:strip). granted, he only has like 3 entries...but still. my jon simon is really (e:jacksmack). about as weird as when i found out keith was (e:keith).

ok that isn't that weird - but i am getting to the good stuff.


weird thing #1:
ok this is really awful - but apparently a girl with the same name as me is a baby killer. i have never heard of anyone else with same name as me - and this first one has to be for something like this. people were emailing this article to me all day:


weird thing #2:
ok this is vaguely embarrassing on my part. yesterday on the way to work i was scanning through the radio. i happen to catch the tail end of a conversation in which they were discussing the subway tunnels. this intrigues me. ( i am obsessed with mole people.) . i wanted to know more. the embarrassing part is that i was listening to shredd and regan. when i got to work i emailed mr. shredd:

---

Original Message

---

From: coleman8227@aol.com [mailto:coleman8227@aol.com]
Sent: Thursday, February 02, 2006 10:36 AM
To: Shredd@wedg.com
Subject: subway tunnels and breasts


hey guys -
i caught the end of you talking about subway tunnels under the pink this morning and it has been driving me nuts. what were you talking about? i am intrigued? can you send me a link or something?

thanks,

jessica coleman


i entitled it as i did because i wanted something to get his attention. i figured with all the email they must receive he wouldn't read it with out a catchy subject line. i got this 10 minutes later:

From: Ted Shredd
To: coleman8227@aol.com
Subject: RE: subway tunnels and breasts
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 2006 11:16:47 -0500

I don't know of a link. I guess there are a series of tunnels under Buffalo that were used during Prohibition, and one goes from The Pink to the subway on Main. By the way your message subject said tunnels and breasts. Where do the breasts come into this?

weird thing #3
apparently the shredster doesn't get as much email as i thought. my dad called me tens minutes later questioning as to why i was emailing shredd about my breasts. apparently they mentioned on air and used my full name. i should claimed the baby killer sent it. god now people think i listen to shred and reagan.


went to see this show last nite with (e:jacksmack) and paul. (speaking of paul there is a beamer show tonite at merlins you all should be at.) it was at the polish social club on filmore. actually it was a lot of fun. awesome beer selection for very cheap. jon was telling me how the last time he had been was after the mass nude photo taken at the train station. i launched into a story of my old boss and how he took his daughters to that, about his lazy eye and about how weird he was. not a few minutes later - i kid you not - my old boss strolled in. into a fairly hardcore show at the polish social club.

goes to show you have to be careful what you say in public. buffalo is a smaller town then we think! everyone is listening.

also i finally talked to my crush. he came up and asked what my problem was because i was staring at him last nite. apparently i am creepier then i thought. regardless, he asked if (e:jacksmack) was my boyfriend. i said no. upon hearing this (e:jacksmack) replied, "no, no you can fuck her if you want." (nice, nice friend.) the guy actually replied, "cool. can i fuck you too?" blah, he's part of the movement. what a disappointment.

my boss chose to stop and talk to me while i was reading (e:paul)'s journal. i got yelled at for looking at artillery smut.


oh man this is totally a mundane entry that was being referred to in other posts. sorry. i will follow this up with something scandalous - i swear.

i wonder if the interior condition of my car says anything about my personality. i know i have written about my car being a landfill before...but i took a survey today:
-16 empty packs of parliments
-3 empty packs of camels
-8 empty mountain dew bottles
-4 empty red bull cans
-2 half eaten boxes of girl scout cookies
-4 scarves
-1 pair of ferragamo vintage flats
-1 pair gray sauconys
-1 pair black flip flops
-approx 178 atm reciepts
-2 copies of salingers "nine stories" (why i have 2 i am still not sure)
-7 artvoices
-2 empty saranac bottles
-parking passes from:
* the downtown garage off chippewea -9
*the parking lot off monroe ave in rochester -3
*the VIP parking lot at darien lake - 6


this was an overview. i didn't even venture to the trunk or under the seats. my roommate calls me a slob - but i prefer archivist. i don't care when people complain about sitting in the back seat. it is my shit and its staying back there. i like it there. i might need those girl scout cookies if i ever get stranded somewhere.


jon simon is dragging me to some show tonite on filllmore. if anyone knows what this is please let me know.



my friends becky and dave decided to drive to pauxatoney yesterday morning. they have kept me updated via phone:

yesterday -12:22pm: "we are drunk in pauxatoney! it is awesome here! woohooo!"

yesterday -2:58pm: "people in gobblers knob have an accent. its wierd."

yesterday -6:45pm: "we are playing groundhog bingo! you have to yell 'GROUNDHOG!'...and i won a groundhog shaped basket! we are bringing you back a groundhog sweatshirt!"

yesterday -9:52pm: "we are soooo bored i don't know how we are going to make it all nite...this place fuckin sucks"

i lost contact after that. more updates later from the remainder of their trip.

AT&T is basically telling google that they better pay up or AT&T customers won't be able to reach their site. sounds like extortion to me. total double dipping.



on the brighter side of things, i also found the funniest website ever. someone apparently found a bunch of weightwatchers recipe cards in their basement and scanned them. they are hysterical.


this morning i woke up to the suspicious smell of paint. when i walked out the door to go to my car i spotted splatters of orange spray paint all over the driveway. i am nervous (considering my housemates) where this is from. hopefully i didn't drive to work this morning with a large orange penis on the passengers side of my car.

oh - also my lunch special made it to the menu today in the cafeteria. it is called the "Little Jessica." it may have been my proudest moment when i overheard someone ordering it. what the little jessica consists of is grilled peppers, onions, and mushrooms, cheese, diced veggie burger, cheese and tons of hot sauce in a wrap. yum... i am a genius.

apparently i had an undiscovered talent when it came to making tuna noodle casserole. unfortunately the same was not true when making carrot cake last nite. what a disaster. the sad thing was i was making it out of a box. it went terribly, terribly wrong. i had to wake up eraly this morning, go to wegman's and get a store made one. i had to pay and arm and a leg for it - and wait while they put her name on it.

- i don't know if i mentioned this is for an office birthday. everyone takes turns making cakes for peoples birthdays here. i fucking hate it. (although i got that cookie cake friday which was awesome.) seriously, though, it is someone's birthday every other day. (yes like the seinfeld episode.) my desk is situated right next to where they always put the cake, too. i don't even like cake - but i seriously eat like 3 pieces a day. my teeth are going to rot out. and i am not going to fit in my corporate cas'.

anyways. when i went to go through the checkout line i seriously had to same clerk i had last nite. no joke. and she remembered me and said, "carrot cake didn't go so well, huh." bitch.

AND look at this email i just got:




in case the text is too small to read, in which i am sure it is, it reads:
Thank you to Jason who has generously provided donuts to celebrate my birthday. They are in the usual spot by the scanning station. Enjoy!

some dude randomly brought in krisy kreme and gets all the credit! not one mention of my cake.



i just reread this and realize what a baby i sound like. i apologize.

here is the picture that i thought looks like (e:terry)'s headshot twin. he is in the background wearing a black shirt.

anyways...i did everything on my birthday checklist. and more. i am not super proud of it. i feel like crap. i didn't sleep all weekend. my body HATES me. but here are some highlights:


-sang leather and lace at tudor - and kevin was the WORST don henley ever

-danced so violently everywhere that we literally knocked people over in the pink




-had a bowie dance party til 9am at my house that got kinda wierd


at the gallery opening friday i got propostioned for a pornogrpahic photo session from an elderly black man. apparently this is a retirment project he is working on. i gratiously declined - but kept his card if anyone is interested in "money & erotica."

the zepplin tribute show saturday was awesome. i am sad i missed (e:salvatore) tho :(


oh and if anyone knows a good recipe for carrot cake let me know. i need to make on for an office birthday tomorrow.