So Charles && I aren't together anymore. He called from the rehab facility & asked me to come up and have a meeting with him. So I did. He straight up asked me if I wanted to marry him. I sat there for a minute- moment of truth. I looked at him and said "Honestly, no. I don't". He then asked if I wanted to be with him. The answer was the same. It was abount a 30 minute conversation, and although it was emotional, it was right. We needed to set everything stright. I miss him, for he was there through out my whole pregnancy and there for the birth of my little girl. But I can't make myself be what he needs. I may be what he wants, but I"m not what he needs. There's a big difference. The only way was to say goodbye. If not forever, for now.

I have also learned not to get attached to 17 year olds. They are still young && fickle && I can't have my heart strings being pulled at this soon. I need to get away. I need a change of scenery, new people. I want to go to Colorado, but I can't make that kind of trip right this second. I need to get into some mountains though. SOON. I am not home here. It's really getting to me right now...

If anyone ever wants to just talk, let me know. I 'm so up to talking to new people right now. Just don't be creepy. lol. I'm tired of those kinds too.

.::peace to you && yours::.

So I've been going through a lot of screwy crap.

I went back to the doctor Friday. My atypia ( the cancerous cells) are dormant right now, thank green grass. The dysplasia cells are active but should go away by themselves in a year. So good news in that department.

Other then that I am having doubts about being engaged. I mean, I love Charles. I do. But we are just so different. The biggest thing right now, though, is that I have realized that I have feelings for a girl. I have been bi since I was about 15, but once I got with Charles all those thoughts and wants towards girls had gone away. That is until this girl got a hold of me. I don't know what to do....I'm a romantic dreamer. I don't know whether to go with my heart or my promise with a ring. ....

So my dog had her puppies. 4 alive 4 dead. Pretty normal for a first litter. I'm proud of her.

Callie is getting huge. She's only 3 months old & wearing 6-9 month clothing. She's so fat, but still such a cute kid. I did good. lol.

So- back from my doctor appointment. I'm not big on western medicine but I'm glad that I went in for this. He told me after he looked and took the biopsy samples that it looks pretty high risk. So as weird as it sounds it puts me more at ease to hear what exactly he thinks instead of just sitting and wondering. I have to go back in on February 15 & see what the results say. So continue to send good vibes my way please. ")

Monster energy drinks are wonderful. They are my sin. Yummers.

So I'm pretty anxious about going to the doctor this week. I don't do well with doctors, hospitals or medicine so I'm kinda stressing though I said I wasn't going to.

Off that subject...I am planning on my first attempt to make homemade shampoo tonight. We'll see how it goes. I've been making clothes for my daughter & I and am thinking about trying to go into business soon. What do you guys think? I'll try to post pictures of some of my work soon...

My little brother left for Basic training on Wednesday. I think it's just now hitting me that he is at Fort Benning right now being yelled at for everything. lol. I hope he comes back without his jackass attitude. He thinks he's "god's gift to women" & it's extremely irritating.

Another thing that is irritating me right now is the thought that women not shaving makes them "dirty" in society's eyes. I do not shave, except for my under arms, & I can't believe some of the comments I get from people. I am comfortable in my skin. I have actually become happy with my body since having my daughter. My body has been through something pretty major & I am proud of it. Not shaving makes me that much more comfortable & makes me feel like a women should- beautiful & close to nature. I don't wear bras either unless it's a special occasion & even then I wear organic hemp bras. Some of the looks and comments I get about that irritates me too. I am a small chested woman. the only time I have anything really needing support is when I am pregnant. So why wear one if it just bothers me? Exactly--don't. ") Do any of you agree with me or am I just in my own little earthy-world?

So my OB-GYN contacted me today & told me the results to my last appointment are abnormal. Two different types of cancerous cells showed up so Teusady I have to go in and they are going to do a microscoptic analysis to see if the cells are already cancerous or if they are just in the first stages. I'm kinda freked out because it is such a random thing to find out, especially because I just had my baby & I really don't want to have to stress about my health right now. So I'm kinda nervous...

I also found an event I want to take my fiance & daughter to this summer. It's called Summer Solstice in Tennesee. It's from June 21-22 and it has music, dancing, vending, & all kinds of fun. What I like about it s that it seems hippy dippy but familly oriented at the same time. So I'm excited. I hope we can make it! Hope to see you there! ")

Well, baby is sleeping, means I should be sleeping. NIght.