i am crazy. i spent $200 on jeans. that is messed up. man. messed up.

so, i have been sick with some kind of norovirus for like 5 days. I have never had an upset tummy this long. it really sucks.


but it's okay, because my birthday is saturday. friday i am doing spa day....facial, hair, nails, the works....then going to the chiropracter (i have to go 3 days a week anyway...), then to the mall for a new outfit, then home b/c people are coming over! then to hofbraehouse for some great german food and beer, and then to this new bar in downtown las vegas called downtown. it's the coolest place i have been here yet (in terms of night life). Saturday, my birthday, danny and i are leaving for san diego, the most beautiful place in the whole wide world. i am so excited....our first trip with all three puppies. are we nuts?!?!?! but i am way excited becasue there is an outlet mall with a JUICY COUTURE OUTLET. i mean, that would make my birthday! i can't wait.


i love juicy. and my birthday.

but i have a birthday problem. well, i have had one since i was a child. i get super weird about my birthday. really. like sad becasue nothing ever spectacular happens. i hate to sound bratty, but i feel that everyone should feel special on their birthday, but it seems that other than my mom, no one really cares. I know it's jsut another day to other people, but i have this dumb complex about it. so most of the time i just try to think it's just another day so that way I won't get disappointed. so awful to think. i know.

Well folks. I have a new plan. i thought about me just splitting las vegas after this semester, and initially it was a good plan, but then the more i thought about, the more i realized i would regret is so bad. I mean, i am one year away from my MPH, and that could be a huge difference in pay.

so, i came up with a new plan....

i thought i would be okay here for a year and a half....that was while my sister was here. then i took her to the airport the other night, and suddenly i realized i was going to be alone again. in sets depressive state. i called my mom, and she tried to convince me to move home, pronto. she is worried because i am so sad here, and she thinks that another year and i will end up insane.

so, i decided to try a new route. i looked into summer classes, and if i take 3 summer classes, i can graduate in december. the only catch is that one of my core classes, chronic disease epidemiology, is only offered in the spring and i haven't taken it yet. so, i am trying to work out an independant study in exchange for the chronic disease credit. i think it may work. but this means then, that fall semester will be my thesis. fuck. i don't even know what my thesis is going to be on....

....so, with that said, i am going to try to stick this shit out and have the best of both worlds. move home soooner, but with my degree.

i just hope there will be an amazing job for me at home when i am finally done. fingers crossed.

as for what danny is doing, who knows. he isn't happy with my decision to leave in december, and he certainly doesn't want to move to buffalo, so i don't know what he is going to do....stay here for another year? move home and quite? move to buffalo? albany? who knows....


all i know is that having a plan that makes me happy makes me happy.


my happiness maybe overshadowed by the fact that i get my transmissions of infectious disease midterm back tonight. i know i did horribly and i really don't want to know my grade. as awful as that sounds.....booooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

st. patty's day was insane. we went to fremont street and you could barely move there were so many people. fun times....


a point of clarifcation:

(e:metalpeter) brought up a good point pertaining to my last 2 or 3 posts....and how i hate las vegas and how i am not happy here. He left a comment saying he was confused because if i am here with my fiance and things are going well between us, woudln't that be enough to make me happy....so i thought i would mention that, because i don't want the wrong idea to come across peoples minds when i say that stuff. danny and i are great for eachother, but when you live in a city where you only have one person who can truely be there for you, it puts a lot of pressure on that one person to be your entire social network. I have made some great friends here, but I still am not in a place where I can confide in anyone else or seek support from anyone here other than danny....and same for him. maybe that is my own fault because i bottle so much inside and don't talk to anyone about my problems....

but anyway, so, our entire lives are pretty much eachother, and that is a lot for one person to be. Its not fair for him, nor I, to have that kind of expectation on eachother.... not that he isn't good enough, but I hate having these crazy expectations for him, and him not being able to meet them, and then me get sad about it because he couldn't do it...its hard to explain, but it's just a huge role for one person to fill: being friends, family, fiance, care taker, comedian, etc all in one person.....if that makes sense?

i don't know....i have thought a lot about what the next few months hold for me. i don't know what i am going to do, but i know if i don't' finish here, i will later regret it. i don't want to have any regrets. I should just stop being a baby about it and suck it up. Once it's done, i will be so proud and happy....and will be satisfied with my career and can go wherever i want....

so can i suck it up? we will see.

for the moment. i think it is time to go shopping.

i thank you all for the support and cute messages, but it just makes me want to move home even more....like all i have to do is get on a plane, and walk into roswell and be happy forever.

I am kinda on the fence about it...i mean, if i moved home and got a job, i would be making about $15,000 less than if I stayed here for one more year....and i would walk away with a masters.

but on the flip side, i am so sad and depressed here. i hate it here. i am not happy. i want to be home so badly....and it makes it worse knowing that i could have a great job there.

well. i applied. i sent my resume in. i guess if it is meant for me to work with breast cancer patients, then i will at least get an interview. but if not, than maybe its just not meant to be.....maybe that means then, then i am supposed to stay here and carry out my shitty life here in las vegas. depressing thought, but huge possibility.

i mean, what is another year?



well, either way, i have to stay here till my lawsuit is finalized. that could be a few months anyway. we will see.....

I miss home. i miss my family. i miss my neighborhood. i miss normalcy. i miss frizb's. i miss my friends. i miss ny in general.

i hate school. i hate las vegas. i hate my life here. i hate my program. i hate that i am wasting so much fucking time in this shitty fucking city. fuck.



i bought 3 shirts today. one of which is this cute hello kitty shirt that is pink and super cute and girly. usually i don't wear hello kitty gear... despite how i am a huge hello kitty fan, but i saw the shirt and it was saying "jess, you can do this one....it's cute!" so i bought it.



my sister is here this week. i feel bad because i am just so under the weather....and the weather here is insane may i add. it's only supposed to be around 70, and it is 90. too hot for me. fuck this shit.

i hate heat.

70 is perfect....springtime like. i think that is the general consesus. comfortable weather is key...

....but back to my sister. i am just kinda bummed about where i am in life right now, and i feel bad because she is here and wants to do all the vegas shit, but i just want to puke every time i see a casino or flashing lights or whores walking down the street. for real.

i hate to complain, i am just really home sick. i miss home. not that home is anything special or great; its just home. it's where ma famille is. j'adore ma famille. i am sick of being so far away from the life where i want to be. it's going on 5 years away from home, and i am just sick of having to make so much hoopla to get there....more so now that i am 3000 miles away than when i was only 400.

i need to find a job as close to home as possible. that is what i need to do. anyone hiring a project coordinator for a public health position? anyone need a epidemiologist? anyone need an environmental health specialist? anything! i will take anything....


actually, there is this job that i really want at roswell park. i hate to tease myself, but it would be a great job for me. i hate looking at that site and seeing jobs that i am qualified for. ugh!!!!!!!!!!

maybe i will just fuck school and fly home and get a job and be happy. yay!

this weekend was my trip to reno/carson city for the women's grassroots lobby days weekend. it sucked so bad for various reasons, so i left early. i am probably going to get a lot of shit for it, but im sorry, i thought it was going to be informative and insightful....well, i guess it was insightful for the sheer fact that I know realize why this state (Nevada) is so fucked up. I met the women that have power and mold education and healthcare here....they are all old, mean, rich and crabby ladies that are just straight up bitches. Its sickening to me....but everything now makes perfect sense.


i got a personal injury attorney and am now going to PT 3 times a week. It's insane....and scary at the same time. All of this legal stuff really scares me.


My sister comes in tomorrow. i am SO excited!



I love my dogs. really. they are awesome.

well, i went back to the ER today. My hives are out of control. come to find out, I AM ALLERGIC TO THE TATTOO INK. wtf? yea, like 1% of people who get tattoos end up being allergic to the ink used. awesome. but i have finally been prescribed some drugs that should fix it. we will see about this one.

but i get another day of excused work....wonderful drugs that make people way too sleepy to drive or operate anything. i guess i can't complain about that.

this week it's supposed to get up to 80 degrees! i am sooooooooo excited! but it's one more reason to give whores an excuse to wear hoochie skirts and tubtop belly shirts with stripper heals. I guess you take the bad with the good....


i don't know what else to write. i am too drugged to care at the moment. please forgive....

I still got in a car accident today anyway. Some dude rearended me on my comute to work this morning. I have damage to my car again.... car accident #2 sicne I have moved here. insane.

so i went to work. my head started pounding....then i thought about it, and yes, my head hit the steering wheel when the accident happened. i decided to go to the hospital, and after 5 hours of waiting, find out I have a concussion and whiplash, along with a severe allergic reaction (my hives), a throat infection, and a sinus infection (all of which are unrelated to the accident except for the concussion and whiplash). Man o man. So now my mom is like, "lets sue that fucker!" we will see about that mom....


bad things always happen in three's. this is my third this time around. I had my last "bad things" session when I first moved here: sophia's ear infection and surgery, my first car accident, and my grandmother dying).....This time it's hives, the phone, and car accident #2. how many htings can one person handle without becoming insane?

so this whole tattoo thing sucks even more (bare with me):

I switched from the A&D ointment to lotion yesterday....I bought lubriderm shea and cocoa butter lotion and started to use it this morning after the shower. My tattoo already was itching like hell, but when I got to work this morning, I realized it was starting to get hives around it. That's funny.....so I took a benadryl and continued my day. but then my feet got all itchy, and wearing flipflops today, I looked down at my feet and realized that my feet had hives too. So, I ran to the bathroom to check out my legs....HIVES ALL OVER! and of course, seeing the hives only made them itch more. So I took more benadryl and tried to work some more. By 2, I was woosy from the drugs, so I left and went home to lay down.

fastforward to now (11:20pm PT), my hives are out of control. So I took a shower to get any left over lubriderm that was on my skin off, because the only thing that could have made me break out in hives is the lotion considering that is the only thing that I have changed in the past day....and I put it all over my legs, tattoo (which is on my stomach) and my feet. ugh! So now I have these awful hives and I can't sleep, much less sit for a minute without freaking out. fuck this. I need a shot of cortizone or something to stop this itching. ugh!