dammit.... Safari just crashed and made me lose my whole post. And I don't have the energy to re-write it.
Maybe tomorrow.

But thanks for the comments on the last one. You're all right. I had a fun time, and that should be enough. I just always want more...

later peeps.
-j

(to continue the thread of journals that makes me appear completely shallow and boy-crazy, I add:)

Dude!!!! Why am I SO incapable of closing the deal????? SO FRUSTRATING!
So, despite how I may make it seem, I am totally NOT about one night stands, random sex, etc. Sure, it's been a while, and I'd love nothing more than a good fuck, but the circumstances have to be right. And my standards are ridiculously (unrealistically) high.

But so I'm in Chicago. Trying to get in touch with my friend Sarah (from Buffalo). Finally we make plans to go tonight. And I get a text from her that says "my uber-hot friend charles may join us. he likes brunettes." And I reply "well he may be in luck, since I like uber-hot friend charles's."

So I meet her, we wait for charles. I see the blackberry email she sent him that called me "Dr. Surgeon McPretty". And I see his reply that says "can't wait". So he shows up- definitely cute. We all hang out. We go to another place. Drinks are abundant. there is small talk and chat. Including talk about how guys like what they can't have- i.e. as soon as you call (thereby expressing interest) they are not interested. Or the converse- we always like what we can't have. Like my date the other day. I wasn't even convinced I like him. But suddenly him not calling me makes me like "WHOA! Dude! I am so out of your league! And YOU are blowing ME off????? SO not how it was supposed to go."

But anyway, so we're all chatting. Sarah senses her moment and makes herself scarce. There is some definite bumping and grinding going on. I'm thinking "I so don't do this, but he's cute and I'm sick of striking out." so I'm kind of encouraged. Then I remember his words, and I pull away on the dancefloor (don't want to be all over him) to see if he responds- and he did. I pulled back, and he came after me. Still dancing close, etc.

So the song ends, I go to the bathroom. I come out, and sarah is back. He says "well, I have to go. Big meeting in the AM."

FUCK!!!!!!

But, in his defense, it WAS 3am, and he WAS in town just for 36hr to give this talk in the AM. So I can cut him some slack....

BUT, he was hot, he was flirting with me... I was (i thought) flirting with him in my little wimpy way, then he fucking gets up and leaves!!!!

Not that I would have known what to do with myself had it gone any other way, but still.....

Oy, drunk, time for bed..........

Ok peeps. Next friday is my (and codypomeray's) 30th bday. I was originally thinking of maybe having a big party, but I don't feel like having to clean up afterwards, so now I'm thinking more of just a night out barhopping. I hope some of you will join us along the way if you can. :)

So.... I had a date last night. Which makes me happy. But I stood my friends up, which makes me feel shitty. (sorry guys). But like a real good old-fashioned date... dinner reservations, picked me up, pulled out my chair, all that good stuff. And when I think about it, I'm not sure I've EVER had that before. (Have come close a few times.) I just don't get asked out much. And if I do go out with people, it's usually a casual "hey wanna grab a beer, I'll meet you at xyz in an hour".

But we're sitting there at dinner, and my mind is racing 'is he cute enough? is he too short? is he too young? am I too old? Do I like his sense of humor? am I saying the right things? am I talking too much?' etc etc nonstop analysis. And then about halfway through the second bottle of wine I just decided to turn it all off and enjoy myself. And then I had a blast. Who knows what I think of the guy... but I had a fun night, and that's good enough for me. I don't know why I always have to ruin everything by over-thinking it. But it's really hard for me not to.
People have been telling me "alex, RELAX" lately, and I get all huffy and snap back "I AM relaxed! don't tell me to relax! I am a very chill person!" And now I'm thinking- who am I kidding? I'm a huge stressball all the freaking time! I dunno, it was kind of an epiphany moment. Maybe I don't always have to be in control of everything. Maybe it doesn't always matter what everyone else thinks. Maybe it's ok to just have fun and do what I want sometimes. Maybe I don't have to worry about whether or not everyone ELSE is having a good time, at the expense of myself. So even though he's way younger than me and does nothing but party, maybe he's got the right idea- let's just have FUN.
So this morning when I woke up at 5 (painful), I was already thinking 'well I'll just email him blah blah', and then I realized, going with the old-fashioned date concept, maybe now is the time to just CHILL and wait to see if he calls. Is that how this all works? So foreign to me. I am a dating idiot.

Okay I might throw my pager out the window. All I want to do is have a little time to myself to unfog my brain and write a post, but I was just paged 3 times in 30 seconds and I'm not exaggerating. Way to kill my good mood. I think it's gonna be one of those days. Thank god I'm on vacation tomorrow!!

Later peeps.
-J

So I'm already starting to be sad that my date-boy hasn't called or anything. I don't even know if I like him, but now I'm kind of hurt b/c I think he's rejecting me. I'm too old, too boring, etc, (if my imagination is right.) The thing is, it's only been a day, and he knows I'm out of town. But I finally decided "fuck the 'rules'" and I sent him a quick email that just said "thanks for last night, had a lot of fun. Call me sometime?" And all my other emails have been answered in a matter of hours, and this one has gone untouched two days. Not a good sign.
Why why WHY do I have to obsess about this? Yesterday I was on cloud 9, today I'm totally doubting myself. Bleh.

But anyway, the reason I am writing-
I'm in chicago for a bit of a vacation. Probably can't get a tan and drink drinks with umbrellas, but this should be fun too, since I still have a lot of friends in town from when I lived here. But so I guess it was drizzling or something catastrophic like that in chicago today, b/c lots of flights were cancelled, including mine. So I had to kill a few hours waiting to find out if I would make the last flight of the day on standby. So I decided to go get drunk. (why not, right? I'm on 'cation!) So I went to the little restaurant/bar near my gate. And saw a blonde girl who looked kinda familiar... and I thought "I know (e:dragonlady) works in the airport"... So I spent a good half hour trying to decide how to ask "are you (e:dragonlady)?" Because if she were indeed NOT who I thought she was, my question would sound ridiculous. But so I finally asked and indeed it was her. So yay- stupid shyness overcome, and peep sighting confirmed. I guess the alternative would have been to post spy shots and ask for confirmation, like I did for (e:mike). ;) (e:jenks,49)

Then I had another bout of shyness... I was sitting and sitting and waiting and waiting at the gate for my flight. Listening to music and reading. And I noticed a very cute guy sitting one row over. And we kept almost-not-quite making eye contact. But I kept throwing glances, and I think he was doing the same. Then he got up to throw away some trash or something, and when he came back, sat in a different seat- two down from me. Did I say hello? No. Just kept peeking at him from behind my book. Finally a lady sitting across from us asked if we were from buffalo and we all started chatting. Then we finally got on the plane and I wasn't near him and couldn't talk anymore. But when we got off, I saw him again and he said he was glad I'd made it on the flight, and we walked towards baggage claim. Then we had to go different directions, and despite my little thoughts of how I would ask if he wanted to get a drink or something, I just let him walk away... He said "well I'll look for you in the city tomorrow" to which I just laughed, since that's sweet but silly. And there was another mini-pause, would have been the perfect time to say something, but did I? No. Just kept walking. Dammit! Now I don't know what I think would/could have happened, but I just wish I weren't so damn shy all the time!

Anyway.... I think I will take a nice long bath (I love hotels) and sleep way late, and spend tomorrow walking around michigan avenue and maybe checking out the museum. I love chicago!

Adios peeps.
-J

[user sound updated: Holiday in Rhode Island, by The Softies]

Ok, so it's a freaking beautiful day out there. I just hope it's not going to snow tomorrow or some crap like that. On the way home from work I was cruising along with the music blaring and the windows open (in part to enjoy the weather, and in part to drown out the voice/stench of horrid coworker that somehow tricked me into giving him a ride) thinking "wow I am going to go home, get some stuff done real quick-like, then GO OUTSIDE!" Well here I am a few hours later... on the computer, and no 'stuff' is done. Have not been outside, and as usual my couch has sapped away all motivation. Maybe I will watch Lost and eat popcorn and put my work off for one more day.

But anyway, this weather feels cleansing. Trying to set a few things right in my life, and just clean up in general. At work, home, love, sex, boys, friends, family, everywhere. Time to wash away the cobwebs, can the drama, and start things all nice and clean and fresh. Study more, be a good friend, and try to enjoy life rather than just bitch about it. Oh yeah and get back on my diet while I'm at it. (we'll see how long this resolve lasts, haha).

And I have some other very exciting news... This saturday will be the first time I can sleep in my own bed (or maybe someone else's if I'm lucky hardy har) past 6am since march 4th. That's a long time. Which means- I must go out. And you all must join me. Not sure when/where/what. Any ideas? Maybe Pity Party Part II? But seriously... let's get some peeps out this friday. It's spring, dammit! Time to come out of hibernation!
And before I forget (since I blew it last time)-
Beer Tasting at Shango is (at least should be) wed 4/26. I, of course, have to work. Boo!! But you all should go and tell me all about it. I guess beer tasting at Goodbar (the Mr. Goodbar Good Beer club) was last week- the second wed of the month. So between the second wed at goodbar, and the last wed at shango- one of these days we should be able to get our beer on.

And it seems like cecelia's is THE place to be monday nights, is this true?

And don't forget cinco de mayo. I think a full-on peepfest is in order. Cinco d:e-mayo, something like that. ;)

Ok, one more thing. My dad just emailed me this video of the "Old Jamestown Bridge" in RI being 'sploded. It's been out of use for years, but RI couldn't get their ass together to tear it down, so they finally got this big production in order, and blew it up today. But better than seeing it explode, is hearing the kids (and adults) laugh their heads off. Gather: 0603805001145488275

Ok- another update. New song- Ben Folds covering the Flaming Lips' "she don't use jelly", from the Lounge-a-palooza album. (e:zobar,37)