No offense mrmike, but-

WTF is up with adelphia! My cable bill is like $140/mo. That is for ONE person.
Granted, I like my tv, and I choose to pay that much. But still. For that much money, I feel like they should fly to my house on golden carpets and make sure my service is fast and pristine at all times.
I love my tivo. I have no idea what time/channel ANYTHING is on anymore- I totally rely on tivo, and haven't watched "live" tv in ages. So I will come home from a crappy day at work all excited to watch lost or whatever, and I lean back and hit the remote only to find- an hour of blank black screen recorded. (or even worse- two hours of QVC when I tried to save the Amazing Race premier for timika). Because the cable went out without my knowing it. And stays out til I reset it. This happens maybe once a week. That's a LOT.
And today all of the sudden it went out. I lost a post. I lost some emails. Some downloads. Lost my phone service. Had to reboot cable modem/ wireless router/ voip adapter/tivo/ cable boxes like 5 times for stuff to come back. But seriously- no tv, no internet, no phone- what do they expect me to do with myself?? Read? Go outside?! Who are they kidding?!

So aggravating!!!

So.... feeling a little more my normal self today- full of rambly thoughts.
Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's that my (intended) 2hr nap yesterday turned into 7hr (at the expense of work, but whatever). Who knows, but I'm not complaining. And thanks for all the nice comments/ emails peeps.

Had a nice day at work today... A little frantic, but I worked with an attending I am just getting to know, and it's really nice because he lets me do everything, which is a big change, and a sign of respect. Monday night I got to do most of our 5hr case, too. (a guy was shot at CLOSE range (2 feet?) with a shotgun. It was a mess. But he seems to be doing ok so far...) Now if I can just make myself study a little more...

And on my way out to my car when I was leaving, I saw a bumper sticker that made me do a double take. It said "body piercing saved my life", and I thought 'huh?' and went to investgate... Well it had a picture of what I assume is Jesus' wrist with a nail through it. Oy...

Not to mention it's so nice and warm out... Had the windows down, sunroof open, music blaring... I hope this weather is for real and is not just a phase.

Then I came home to an easter package from my mom. I love my mom. Lots of impeccably wrapped little gifts, and a big easter basket. Very Martha-ish. A sappy card for "our special beautiful gentle sweet daughter". A Dora the Explorer paddleball game, a scary rubber rabbit that blows bubbles, a crapload of candy, peeps (what's easter without peeps, right?), and a book: "The Spotter's Guide to the Male Species". I will have to read that one ASAP. Oh and a pad of post-its that says "You're not the boss of me. Oh, wait, you are. My mistake."

Well I guess that's it. I need to go do all the shit I didn't do yesterday while I was sleeping. Including making vacation plans!! Enjoy this lovely weather, peeps!

[New song: Weezer- Island in the Sun (since that's what I want more than anything right now).]

-J

P.s.- keep your calendars open for fri 5/5. It's fri, it's cinco de mayo, it's my big 3-0 [and (e:codypomeray)'s], and I'll be on vacation. No idea what my plans are, but I will certainly be out and about and would be happy to share shots with peeps along the way.

So I ended my last mopey post saying I was going to go eat too much.
Well I decided instead to not be self-destructive, and to take advantage of all my fresh veggies before they go bad, and I made a ridiculous Salad Extravaganza.
I put in every single thing I love in a salad. (Even if they don't necessarily go well together.)
Featuring:

Spring Mix
baby carrots
cucumber
grape tomatoes
mushrooms
zesty sprouts (I love sprouts. Put 'em on a sandwich- mm mm good.)
green bell pepper (excellent source of vitamin C, better than oranges, as I "proved" in my 6th grade (Gold Medal Winning) Science Fair Project ;) )
radishes (love love love radishes. What an underrated veggie.)
an apple
craisins
crumbled gorgonzola
candied walnuts
good seasons italian dressing (makes me think of home.)
salt and pepper

I am in salad heaven.
Who said dieting is hard... I could melt away to nothing, happily, if I could have a salad like this every day- it's just keeping fresh veggies in stock, and washing/chopping/cleaning up that I don't motivate to do. Unfortunately it's just a lot easier to eat tim horton's at work, and hard to resist the pizza and wings that is always ordered when we're on call.

Slightly happier now,
-J

Happy Easter, peeps!
Now that the fog in my head is settling, I can relay the tale of my stupid night.

Ok, so like several peeps have been lamenting lately, I have not had a good fuck in a LONG time. Like >6mo. A few opportunities, I guess, a few "almosts" but it just never happened, for various reasons.
And I was sick of it.
So I decided to do something about it.
I usually don't do casual sex well b/c it fucks with my head, but in this case I thought I had it all figured out.
I had the perfect guy in mind... I've slept with him before so it wouldn't be random, and wouldn't "increase my number" and make me slutty. I know he's at least a little into me b/c he'll get in touch with me out of the blue once in a while to hang out. (He's got a thing for my tits.) He's hot enough that he can turn me on and the thought of sex with him doesn't turn my stomach. (and it was decent the other time.) And smart/funny/interesting enough that I can talk to him. But he's got enough issues about him that I don't want to date him (one being that he makes more than I do, lives rent-free, but is always totally broke which makes me wonder how big his weed habit REALLY is, and another that I think he's kind of homophobic which I can't tolerate), and am totally fine with it being just sex and I won't be sad if he doesn't call. [clarification- it's not the 'always broke' that bugs me. I just don't know HOW he's always broke when i'm not, and he makes more than me and has less expenses.]
Next-to-last time I saw him, I was still with the ex. But he wanted to cook me dinner. After making it clear that I was seeing someone, I agreed.
I got to his house, and he was shirtless, and high. (and hot).
We had a nice dinner, a few bottles of wine, and some flirty conversation, and left it at that.
And then I saw him again a while ago, and we slept together. Literally just slept, and spooned, and that was it. And I told him I wasn't sure if I was impressed or offended that he didn't try anything while i was drunk and naked and in his arms in bed. And he said he had no idea if I would have wanted anything, and didn't want to take advantage of me. But in the future, just to let him know.
Since then he has on several occasions let me know that it's my turn to cook him dinner, topless.

So, I invited him over.
He accepted, and commented on how he hasn't had sex in a long time. I figured we were on the same page.
I went to wegman's, got everything for dinner. Pasta Amatriciana. Awesome spicy pasta with pancetta. Easy and delicious. And salad and garlic bread.
Then he suggested that he come over earlier, like at 2, so we could have more time to hang out.
Now I wasn't sure if he really just wanted more time to hang out, or if he just wanted to "put his time in" so he could bolt as soon as dinner/sex was over- i dunno.
But then I had a hellish night at work (motorcycle accident, three shootings and a stab wound (on top of all the usual shit). I had hoped everyone would be at church and on their best behavior for good friday, but I was quite wrong), and I got NO sleep.
So I came home in the morning, cleaned up my house etc, and got maybe 1.5 hr nap.
So he comes over at 3.
Now mind you, I didn't not have the evening all scheduled out. But I guess I was sort of assuming that we'd chill for a while- maybe go for a walk if it was nice, then cook/eat dinner later. Hopefully fool around after that, and eventually go to bed. Almost (but not quite) more than the sex, I was looking forward to waking up (or at least falling asleep) in someone's arms. (yeah fine so I'm a sappy chick that likes to spoon).
Well he walks in and looks around and goes 'ummm... I don't see food."
wtf? I said 'well it's not really dinner time...'
And he said he hadn't eaten all day. Neither had I, but whatever. And he was starving. Not my fault he didn't eat lunch...
So I said I guess I could start cooking, but he was impatient. I don't have too much snack food in my house (trying to be good) but I offered him an apple. He said we could just go out. Which was kind of annoying, b/c I had bought all this stuff. Though he asked what I'd planned on making, and I said this awesome spicy pasta dish, and he was disappointed that it didn't have enough meat in it. And didn't like my choice of pasta (bucatini) since he likes angel hair. I said to just trust me. (nice, I invite you over for dinner and you criticize the menu.) So I told him to have a beer and chill.
Then he mentions that he's high and brought some, and said we could do that then walk down elmwood for food.
Now if I DO smoke I usually don't like going out in public, but I wasn't sure how well I'd be able to cook either. But it had been ages and ages so what the hell.
Well holy shit did I get retarded. To the point that I was talking and sort of hearing myself and thinking to myself, while talking, "what the fuck am I saying?" Or mid-sentence I would totally forget where I was going with my story. I hate that feeling. I hate the way it often makes me antisocial and paranoid. All I want to do is sit on the couch and eat chips and not talk.
No way in hell was I going ANYWHERE like that.
So I started to cook, and made a gigantic mess in the process. And I forgot the cheese for the garlic bread (since I don't usually do that but he requested it), and I skipped the salad since I wasn't sure how much I trusted myself with a knife.
And put one of my gorgeous filets out to defrost so he could have some damn meat. (which we never ate and it sat out all night and now I wonder if I have to throw it out, which would be a crying shame since it's a beautiful piece of meat and I was saving it.)
Anyway. So I made dinner which was delicious and he actually liked it after all. And we drank wine. And had beers. And I was way fucked up.
And we had weird conversation. I think.
But so eventually we were making out... then a little more... and then I was on the couch and was tired... and then I remember him saying he was leaving.
And I was so tired and fucked up (only running on 2hr sleep, remember) that I couldn't even put up a fight and just said "ok bye". Woke up later on the couch, sure it was like 8pm, and it was 2am.
Fortunately I had laid down the law with my interns, and was going in at 8 (like I wanted) not 6 (like they wanted).
So I woke up this morning for work, in a total haze. And thought of a recap of the night.
The final score-
Him- yummy dinner, great blowjob, no awkward goodbye.
Me- hangover, kitchen that looks like a warzone, a few minutes of not-great sex, no oral sex, no orgasm, no waking up in someone's arms.
He totally won that one.

WTF. How did that all go so wrong.
But I guess it's my fault for getting all fucked up. Or his for getting me all fucked up.

Oy. Maybe we'll try again someday. If he's still talking to me.

I wish I could feel better.
This is unlike me.  I'm always miss happy-go-lucky.  But ever since yesterday, everything just feels wrong.
I made the stupid ass mistake of talking to my ex.  Or texting him, to be more precise.
We'd made contact again recently, which made me happy.  I hate having people leave my life on bad terms.
So we were tossing around the idea of coffee.  I was actually looking forward to it.  Because when all is said and done, I enjoy his company.
So he asked when, and said he's "really busy".  I said no shit i'm busy too, and gave him some options.  And in typical fashion, he didn't respond.  That is my ULTIMATE PET PEEVE, and he fucking KNOWS this, since we fought about it many times.
I gave him a week or so, then last night just texted him "hi".  We chatted a bit, blah blah blah.  I asked him about coffee, and he says "i said yes let's go" and pretended he didn't know he had never answered me.  Then all of the sudden he disappears.  Two hours later "oh... I was eating."  Why couldn't you fucking tell me that, instead of leaving me hanging?  I don't know why this gets to me so much, but he just pushes all my buttons.  Then he came back and we chatted a little more, and (as usual) ended in a fight, with him saying "some things never change", and me crying.  So it looks like we won't have coffee.  And I don't know why that bothers me so much.  Why do I want to see a guy who makes me so fucking miserable? (this is the guy who, after all, broke up with me (after a YEAR) b/c I wanted dinner and he wanted to watch Lost.)  I guess I just hate to think I "failed" at the relationship.  Which makes me think of all my other "failed" relationships/attempts/etc, and makes me feel like I can't do ANYthing right.
Blah.
So anyway, that got me down.  Spent the rest of the night in tears, until I went to bed early.  And still just had a black cloud around me all day.
And then my dumbass coworker locked the call room from the inside so I couldn't get to my locker my car keys to go home.  And it took security almost 3 hours to come open the door.  but so I killed time on estrip. (where else?)  And (e:sbrugger) asked "what is so bad about your life?"  And I guess that's hard to answer...  Aside from boy drama and being alone, I guess there is nothing so BAD.  But worse than that, there is just nothing so GOOD either.  Ok I have my health, I have a roof over my head, I'm more fortunate than most, blah blah spare me.  But there's just nothing to get out of bed for in the morning...  My family is fantastic... estrip is pretty cool... I have a few friends... but as (e:vincent) put it, these things don't keep me warm at night.  And I wondered what the common problem is.  And maybe it's work.  I dread work lately.  I get there, and all I want to do is go home.  I can't WAIT to leave the building.  I find myself getting annoyed with my patients (sometimes rightfully so, and sometimes not.)  Annoyed with my interns.  Annoyed if I have to actually do any work.  Upset when a trauma makes me miss out on food or sleep.  I haven't slept past 5am (in buffalo) since March 4th.  (yes I was away two weekends ago, and I slept some there, but even that was a frantic whirlwind weekend.)  This weekend I COULD have a day off (Easter), but only one of us can have the day off- me, or the chief.  And there's no way the chief will work a holiday so that I can have a day off.  So that means yet another week without a day off.  I'm so sleep deprived I can't stand it.  I fall asleep at red lights.  I just fell asleep now while typing this.  I've gotten to the point that 4 hours is "a lot" of sleep.  It's just getting to me.... wearing me down....  And that makes me feel weak.  All 53 other residents have it just as bad as I do... and they manage to pull off lives and relationships and have fun- and they even manage to study, which I NEVER do (and it's showing.)
So then I asked the ultimate question- Do I like what I do?
I always instinctively snap back "yes of course" to that question.  But now I'm wondering- do I?  I mean yes, operating is way cool.  And I still do like that.  But is it enough?  I mean, I'm supposed to be EXCITED when a gunshot wound comes to the ER at 3am, because that means I might get to operate!  A chance to cut is a chance to heal!  Rah! I am macho surgeon!  But instead I think "god DAMMIT I don't want to get out of bed, why did this stupid fucker have to go and get his stupid ass shot grumble grumble."  Looking at the OR schedule today- pancreatectomy.  Huge case.  Probably 8hrs.  I should probably have been fighting to get in there, but all I could think was "no thank you.  I'll stick to my 45 min hernia repair."  Does that mean I'm lazy?
But to get back to my point... do I like what I do?  I always say yes- but is that just because the alternative is so bad?  Admitting I don't like it would be.... I can't even imagine.  It would flip my whole world on end.  Because this is my whole life.  There's no going back.  And I'm not a quitter.  So I can't even entertain the thought that maybe I'm not happy.  So am I going to be miserable?
For now I tell myself this is just temporary... only 2 more years of residency.  Then things will be better?  God I hope so.  Because this sucks so much right now.  I am ALWAYS tired and cranky and whiny and miserable.  No wonder I'm alone- who in their right mind would want to deal with this shite.

so on that depressing note, I think I will go eat far too much, starting with some spicy italian peppers.  I went to the grocery store thursday.  For the first time since 2/13.  And now I have so much food I don't know where to start.  It's like I want to eat it all at once.  At least I don't have to eat popcorn for dinner anymore...

Later peeps.  I love you.  Thanks for letting me vent.  Even though I feel totally broken, you can usually make me smile.  So thanks for that.  I guess not ALL men suck.  (but I'm still not convinced.)
-J