attainable or not, i'd like to keep this list in mind as my mind reels lately with an uncharacteristic lust after objects. and SO, here are the things my heart really wants, not necessarily in priority:

1. learn chinese, go to china for a long long time. many 'jong's.

2. a house that wraps around my self like a blankie

3. 3 nights consecutively of uninterrupted sleep

4. three boobs. hahahaha..... that might help with #3.

5. go swimming more



ok, so only one of those is materialistic, which is good but a little bit cheating since i have been wanting all kinds of ridiculous nonsensical things i don't need lately LIKE: purple coneflower, antiques, a sea salt and peppercorn grinder, a wool coat, and that downy spray you spritz on your clothes that magically erases all the wrinkles. ALSO a $3700 couch, $1800 "wine cubby" wall (what the hell is a "wine cubby" and why do i want it?), exotic lotions, a $78 shirt, an $88 sweater, makeup brushes, dill weed, fabric, a swimsuit (uh, summer's done, son), and naturally, 85,000 pairs of shoes. weeeeelllll, i kind of actually DO need the wool coat, and maybe 2 out of the 85,000 pairs. there. that is a little more honest. it actually feels a lot better to admit all the dumb things i want than to put it all nicey nicey. hey. and i am a material girl.

or perhaps they are weird sisters of a sort. it would seem they are opposites but think how if you haven't spoken to your friend in soooo long the 'i'm sorry i've been really busy' line is the first one you use. it'd be much more honest, and would probably help patch the friendship better, if we just said 'i'm sorry, i've been really lonely.' 'i'm sorry, i've been focusing elsewhere, and our relationship has suffered for it.'

friends are so important, that is a thing i must remember. in my life, people and things have come before (and i *have* loved them all) and the ones i've hung on to are simply the ones that have hung on to ME. plenty of things have changed and then some things just stay the same. friends are hard to make and even harder to keep and i am rambling but i write this as a note to myself for the future, from this the past: if someday you wake and ever should think 'it is only when we're young that we shake each other's hearts ', then you must slap yourself and do all in your power to find that again and make it happen.


"and no kinds of love are better than others (la dee ta ta taaa...)" -lou reed, velvet underground

i have a serious problem with him. i have been watching jeopardy as of late and am sometimes confronted with the soulless mofo in the last moments of 'wheel', while he is mindlessly bantering with vanna for the camera. empty, vacant, he makes me ill.

perhaps i write this only because soulfulness has been on my mind as of late. i (rather vainly) used to imagine i was an 'old soul' (how you truly know this is beyond me) but now i think of how little i truly know about life and how my feelings, experiences, and intuitions are really no more special or amazing than anyone else's. (well, ok, just a tad more special hahah). i think about how my poor memory has contributed to a sort of 9 lives phenomenon with me, and how even if i've "been there, done that" it is like a plastic egg in my mind: only an outside influence can reveal the surprise inside. all these things and more now cause me to believe that in fact my soul is very young, so hurray for hasenfefer, here we go! i think it helps to make me an excellent mama.

back to work isn't quite the blues i thought it would be. the first week was hard, big time. this week, magically i am cured of the initial heartsickness. it helps that my company is WONderful. now i feel an opposite worry creeping in, that i just don't have the patience with little cute that i did when i was here with him ALL DAY. sigh. always something to fuss over with me.

leg.

1. a most fashionable blue-magenta boa that may just start a haute couture leg-severing trend, darling...

2. a highly pliable golf club and/or croquet mallet; once bent it will maintain an excellent stiffness, providing both distance and accuracy

3. in a bind, use as a plank to get from roof to roof

4. anytime art exhibit--simply set up, then extrapolate

5. great body pillow for summer: always cool!

6. javelin substitute

7. foil for the ever present danger of the "urban lynx": throw, then run.

1. through paul while a visitor in his home

2. a few friends know. no family, no work people. real name, not real photo.

3. a handful. 10 or 14.

4. it hasn't really, unless i am at an e-party and i connect the face with the journal. though that is only once in a while.

5. n/a

6. 3

7. yes

(equip)
1.none
2.no

(lifestyle)
1. if i know the person and they reference something in their journal, i am more likely to check it out or keep it in mind. i go through spurts with e-strip, sometimes i'll post then check a bunch and nose around a lot, then i'll be absent for weeks. when i am on it, it's usually for about 15 minutes, 30 at most.

1a- when i do go on, i check out 4 or so.

2. it definitely makes me think everyone knows everyone, or if you don't it's because you're out of the loop, or you don't want or need to meet people.

3. no

4. no

5. no

6. a little. it's just good to write, since i don't do it that often anymore. and i can be silly, or not. whatever.

7. yes, kind of a 'mom's blog' thing that was on typepad but is being moved. does not affect e-strip or vice versa.

8. no, don't work

9. n/a--tho i don't post too often

this tag is all over buffalo. i first noticed it on a building across from the gold dome, on a wall above the old harold's shoes. that particular tag has what seem to be codes in simple black line letters in front and back of the "atak hert" (with 'hert' in bubble letters below and to the side) and of course, leads one to immediately ask "hm, what does *that* mean?" (not for me to know, i realize) it is also on an abandoned bowling center near amherst and main and in countless doorways. i have only ever noticed it on dead buildings, which may or may not be a statement in itself.

the tag in the picture is on shelled out projects off of fillmore ave. it towers over the 33 and is very impressive and a little scary. atak/hert what, or whom? is it "just" a name? i, as a mere 'noticer', am not going to suppose that i ought to know, theorize as to the whats and whys, or get all paranoid about it,, but i am definitely intrigued. i did a bit of (very mild) investigating....i liked the following quote.

this is gleaned from this website , a thesis by Bradley J. Bartolomeo of Union College:

Like reading poetry once written in another language, graffiti loses something in the translation when it tries to win the affection of the haves. It is not to be taken more lightly than weaponry, because that is what it is. Graffiti is our war. Graffiti is not supposed to be there. that's why it works. (The Vapors 2000:4)

sex! sex sex sex, sex sex ss sex sex

as the number one suggestion to bring on the labor. runners up:

2. sex and wine (half a glass, of course)
3. paul should 'stimulate' (ooh, so technical) my nipples during an entire football game. then we should pretend i'm the center and he's the qb and "hut" the baby out. (this one wins for laughability)
4. watch or listen to particularly moving movies or music
5. walk laps around my house, rigorously clean
6. whack it (still sex? i guess so....)

of all of these, only #4 sounds appealing. i am supremely lethargic, in limbo, tired and worn out with pregnancy. any active action seems insurmountably difficult. i regard sex as an act of pure lunacy at this point, something that might kill me.

having the baby also seems abstract now. about two weeks ago was the 'peak of readiness,' a high point of excitement and preparedness and emotional and mental stability. now doubt has shadowed things a lot. i worry all is not well. i fear the unnaturalness of induction, but prefer it infinitely to the dreaded "C". the baby squirms and kicks with zest, i think it is struggling for the way out, become convinced that somehow my body isn't capable of progressing into labor. i feel let down, cheated, having done all the right things till now then having to get frickin induced??? not fair. nothing i can do. any little thing is a 'sign,' yet i've been teased by twinges so often that i know it's not 'the real thing' every time. and so it seems this baby will never come. that we're 'not really' going to be parents. that december 10th, then 20th, then christmas will come around, and i'll still be this pregnant, still waiting. and of course having those thoughts is a kind of big scare unto itself--no self-fulfilling prophecies, please. no macabre foreshadowing.

i would love it so if there was some root i could chew to make it happen, some rare, not necessarily delicious fruit i could tear apart, and then it would happen. sarsparilla, maybe?

mine and the baby's time in the same vessel is drawing to a close. it has been a miraculous, ordinary, extraordinary time, one in which i am quite honestly at this point excited to end. why?

1. people say things (in a cooing tone) like 'what a cute belly you have' look, bitch, last night i slept about 2 hours, felt like all the cold water in the ocean wouldn't quench my heartburn, and had gas to rival bush's private stores. even that newborn panda does not appear 'cute' to me.

2. "is it a boy or girl?" has been on repeat for about the last six months. i should have made a puff paint t-shirt with 'i don't know' written across the belly. in a neutral color, of course.

3. goddamnit, i don't care if it's trashy, i would really LOVE a freezing. cold. beer.

4. sex again would be grand (though i guess that's what got me here in the FIRST place). sigh........someday........you know, when the STITCHES heal.

5. my walk may again come to resemble my own, not a penguin's. i can put on an article of clothing that might actually make me feel like a human female (as opposed to a saint bernard). boots with heels. any shoe with heels.

6. i am going to be the best damn mama this world has seen, or at least western new york.

7. #3



phew, that felt pretty good, to complain! now perhaps i can do less of it to my family tomorrow. have a wonderful holiday, to anyone who is reading this, and a frosty cold one for me (i count as two, actually. maybe 3).

i have always had a problem with 'making something' of myself. being firstborn to a very young mother, she always tried to encourage that and those were her exact words, go to college, get a job, 'make something of yourself.' as a result, as is typical with fbs and especially given the way my family structure played out (classic middle child=scapegoat, youngest=comedian, mom=enabler, (step)dad=problematic) i was driven to overachieve and i guess to a degree, still am (to the point where i just fixed the misspelling of 'overacheive' i just did-i mean, who really cares...) (to the point where the glasses in the cabinet that match should be all lined up in neat columns of three) (to the point where house, car, purse, backpack, whatever should all be properly outfitted with lots of writing utensils (since in the house i grew up in they were always impossible to find, would get lost after 1 use)) (to the point where i have driven myself so crazy over 'what i'm going to be' that i haven't chosen to be much of anything).

now, i never really classified myself as 'anal' or 'type a'. some of the overachieving tendencies right now stem from having too much time on my hands and also from 'growing up' (yikes), at least to the point where if i'm going to drink wine, i at least possess a proper glass, for both myself and a guest, if we so choose not to slug it out of the bottle. and i had, for all intents and purposes, a 'normal childhood,' whatever that means, if on the 'serious child' side who liked school and books a little too much and always had the lamest comebacks and would go home and cry a bit too easily. so it's not as though my mom or my family or my assumed role or my love for school fucked me up, or even if they did i really hate whining about that kind of shit and am not trying to whine.

it's just that i burned out so young. with paul, i just figured that out last night. the same things that haunted my childmind and made me resort to tricks like endlessly flipping the pillow and laying the other way on the bed to get to sleep (he did the same things, did you, firstborns out there?) are pretty much the same things that haunt me now: i'm no sculptor, or quilter, carpenter, architect, or even junkyard proprietess: i find it extremely difficult to take this chunk of me and shape it, or pieces (not peices) of me sewn or joined together to make some whole, or to arrange varied castoffs identified for their uses and functions when and if needed. i.e. 'making something of myself' (shudder). i do know a good amount about myself, but honestly, after a while, what good does that do you? somewhere along the way, i ran out of being able to try so hard, became overwhelmed, got distracted and daydreamy because it was fun, finally, fun. now because of some essential nature bullshit, it's not so fun. now it's just kind of full circle: what am i going to do with my life? what? what? what? what? what?

is it as tyler durden says, that we all grew up thinking we'd be rock stars and astronauts and movie stars (.....but we won't....), is that herowish mentality (after all, by overachieving didn't we all think we could 'save the family,' or at least keep our names or hides out of the next big fight?) the mother of all hangups, the bitch that wants only the best, the most, the shiniest, the strongest for itself, and could just get it if only.....if only........

thank you for indulging in this little self-counseling session, brought to you by "t's hangups, inc., llc."

(and there are no barking sparrows....)

mmm. i love those candies that taste like lavender. not the gum, tho, which tastes musty to me.

the person sitting next to me right now smells like i didn't know i sometimes used to smell, which is of morning damp tobacco smoke and hour old coffee...it is not particularly pleasant but is nostalgic. as completely botarded as it is, i miss the mechanics of smoking. i miss the little realizations and conversations and romanticisms (even if somewhat cliched-like those coffee/cigarette ruminations)that sometimes come about only because of it. that's about it though-i never realized what a little slave it makes you.

i saw this excellent movie called me and you and everyone else we know, parts of which keep popping in my head and turning round in there. all in all it was extremely well done, lots of parts to make you squirm but i like that sometimes.

hm. har. i feel like writing, but topics aren't really coming well, so i will give up and perhaps go make some soup.