bonkers
sometimes these scary blank out times happen to me. usually only when drinking, but i was pretty in control of my own friday and i just remembered today that there's a chunk of time that i don't remember *what* i was doing. i guess i got sucked into a black white and red hole at the pink. i remember i hardly went inside because i wanted to smoke. but i remember i didn't have any. who i talked to and what was said was beyond me. did i just bum and bum again for the better part of an hour? (or more??? i can't remember!) i feel as though i was another person entirely for a while, and that's not the first time. it's terrifying.
another thing is when i lived in the hippy house, i used to see super weird shit behind my eyes just about every night. (while awake). i never really enjoyed pot so it wasn't that. i did a fair amount of drinking, but spent the majority of life on the sober side. it used to scare me to the point of tears sometimes because i couldn't make it stop and what it was was faces upon faces that would morph into each other, except not all happy like in the 'black and white' video but in every state of human animal, human, animal, and sometimes creature expression you could imagine. i would see the face of a child playing hopscotch change into a caricature cat face smiling horrifically while licking a puddle of milk change into an old black man's face playing a saxophone change into a toothless thirty year old cackling change into...and so on. whatever the action, the focus was always the face.
these are people i've never seen before but that i can see crystally clearly in my mind and it feels too real. my friend marc calls it having a gift but without the proper guide and/or spiritual training, it just feels like craziness to me. it doesn't happen so much anymore but every so often i feel something schiszm-ing, is the closest word i can come up with. like a fault line, with ruptures, rumbles y roaros. pieces shifting around in my head, combined with an awful restlessness.
okay yeah, so maybe then i should write or perhaps make movies, i don't know what the fuck, but my head is an egg. whatever's inside is trapped, unfertilized as of yet or perhaps past its chance to break out, rotting. either way giving birth to itself now would be a disaster.
another thing is when i lived in the hippy house, i used to see super weird shit behind my eyes just about every night. (while awake). i never really enjoyed pot so it wasn't that. i did a fair amount of drinking, but spent the majority of life on the sober side. it used to scare me to the point of tears sometimes because i couldn't make it stop and what it was was faces upon faces that would morph into each other, except not all happy like in the 'black and white' video but in every state of human animal, human, animal, and sometimes creature expression you could imagine. i would see the face of a child playing hopscotch change into a caricature cat face smiling horrifically while licking a puddle of milk change into an old black man's face playing a saxophone change into a toothless thirty year old cackling change into...and so on. whatever the action, the focus was always the face.
these are people i've never seen before but that i can see crystally clearly in my mind and it feels too real. my friend marc calls it having a gift but without the proper guide and/or spiritual training, it just feels like craziness to me. it doesn't happen so much anymore but every so often i feel something schiszm-ing, is the closest word i can come up with. like a fault line, with ruptures, rumbles y roaros. pieces shifting around in my head, combined with an awful restlessness.
okay yeah, so maybe then i should write or perhaps make movies, i don't know what the fuck, but my head is an egg. whatever's inside is trapped, unfertilized as of yet or perhaps past its chance to break out, rotting. either way giving birth to itself now would be a disaster.