I’m currently recovering from one of the most serious bouts of illness I have faced in my years on this earth, at least from what I can remember. I was unable to eat for five and a half days, and, even now, on the seventh day (of my illness), I am still extremely weak. The experience was a curious one, not only because at one point I seriously considered the possibility that I might die (or at least be seriously injured), but also because it seemed to take me into another world.

I once read a novel, Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell. The story is set in 19th Century England and follows two magicians (you guessed it…Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell). At one point in the story, Jonathan Strange is attempting to find this magic being that lives in the magic world. To do this, he ultimately has to take a potion that induces a sort of insanity. He does not lose his mind, but the experience leaves him with a darkness that was not there.

I couldn’t help thinking of this book while I lay in the emergency room at Sister’s Hospital, and since then, because this illness seemed to take me into some alternate universe. I say this, because what I saw and heard did not feel like delirium. I was able to open my eyes and see that what I was hearing and seeing wasn’t actually happening (in this “world”). This happened several times, but the first was at the hospital.

My room was like a normal hospital room, minus the outer wall- there was a large curtain in its place. There were no adjoining doors on the others walls of the room, and a window on the wall opposite the curtain. I laid in this room receiving fluids, and while I laid there I literally saw people come in my room that weren’t there, they lay things on the bedside table that weren’t there either, and had conversations that weren’t taking place. I saw a little sitting gallery where some children sat and others came to collect them from or sit there with them. Yet when I opened my eyes to sit up and look to see if there was at least an adjoining door there, there was none. There was only a wall. I wondered then, and a little now, whether I was seeing dead people. I must point out that I considered the possibility that I was distorting outside noises, but based on my observation, that was not that case.

At this point, you may be saying to yourself, “well, obviously you were dreaming…I mean you just said that your eyes were closed,” but it wasn’t like a dream. After living as long as I have, I know what a dream feels like. This was no dream.

When I got home later that night, I had a similar experience. However, this was more like dreaming, but it still felt other worldly. I was in my bed, but it didn’t feel like my bed. It felt like it took me to a different place (again some other reality or universe). This time I was in the desert participating in some social experiment where we argued over how to organize our new society. The men, one man in particular, was focused on fashioning a very large, imposing weapon, intended to encourage others to follow him. We debated the consequence of this strategy and others (yes, even in delirium/dreaming/alternate worlds/whatever I’m still arguing about these kinds of things).

My next encounter was brief and happened the next morning. I was lying in bed. I closed my eyes and was in a bed still, but this time the ceiling was extremely tall (like sky scraper tall) and the walls were extremely white. Standing above me, about as tall as the ceiling, was a metallic, robot-like, creature. It turned to walk away, and I asked (not really yelling either) whether it was “friend or foe.” It turned back towards me, bent down, and looked at me. Its head was large, metal. There was a little opening where I expected to see eyes, but, instead I saw brown dirty water sloshing around inside. The creature then stood back up and moved on.

I had another brief moment last night, but it was nothing worth describing. After my “encounters,” it makes me wonder if, like Jonathan Strange, once you’ve seen this other world, you are indelibly tainted. In other words, you may not be stuck there, but some part of you will always be attuned to it.

To my knowledge, I am not now nor have I ever been known to suffer from any mental illness, nor was I under the influence of any medication (other than non-hallucinogenic herbs) during my recovery.

I wonder if this is how John felt when he wrote Revelations.

    Last Monday, my friends and I got together to make freezable dinners for a neighbor (actually their neighbor- I live in a different neighborhood). My friend Janelle had gathered us together on this mission, and, not too long before that, she had rallied the others to do the same thing for me. We were not gathered together for some freezable dinner of the month club, rather we were gathered together because the neighborhood woman is expecting within the month. I didn’t know this woman very well, but, nevertheless, I was thrilled to be there. This may seem strange to some, but it felt good to “pay it forward.” When I had my daughter, earlier this year, I was finishing my last year of law school. Those meals that my friends gathered together to make were a saving grace, because for a whole month I didn’t have to worry about what was for dinner.

While I was in my friend’s house cooking, it just hit me how great that moment was. It also hit me how cliché the moment seemed, at least at first glance. However, this moment was anything but cliché. We were all gathered together in one kitchen to cook, to drink beer, to talk about husbands, children, business, work, and a whole host of other topics. The sad thing is that I think, for some, moments like these are under appreciated. We live in a society that praises all these typical “male” characteristics of keeping our emotions to ourselves, not letting others get the upper hand, and maintaining a “kill or be killed” kind of attitude. Maybe those characteristics are overrated. Maybe we need to do better to appreciate more “feminine” characteristics like nurturing others, showing affection for others, and having a more cooperative attitude. Put another way, I think the true picture of feminism is not only that women can perform just as well as a man, but also that women don’t have to do things the same way that men do in order to prove that.

So, what am I saying exactly? Well let’s talk about what I’m not saying first. I’m not saying that women are just nurturing, hormonal, chocolate lovers, who love to be in the kitchen, and that women should focus on cooking meals instead of negotiating the sale of a business, etc. What I am saying is that, as women, we don’t have to be ashamed if we want to get together, talk, and cook a meal for the pregnant lady across the street so that her family can focus on more important things than dinner, and doing so does not mean that we can’t negotiate the sale of a business, etc.

So, thank you, Janelle. It was truly my pleasure.

Yet another unarmed, young black man has died in Ferguson, Missouri. We are, yet again, angered by the blatant disrespect for black life here in America. We are tired of the candlelight vigils, marches, etc. We are tired of the perpetrators vilifying the victims of these unwarranted killings. We are tired of being attacked and arrested. While this situation may seem hopeless and we may be powerless to control certain events, there are things that are within your control that you can do. More accurately, I’ve itemized two things you should not do and eight things you absolutely should do.

1.    Violence is not the answer
First off, violence is usually never the answer. As someone said yesterday at the #BuffaloForFerguson vigil, there are examples all over the world (e.g. the Israeli-Palestinian conflict) as proof that violence does not work. Not only that, we have thousands of years of history (including the Bible) that demonstrates the same thing. If you needed any more reason than that, it should be your own freedom. The law is unforgiving, especially for People of Color, and if you break it, you are going to find yourself in prison somewhere serving some outrageous sentence, behind bars, with less control over your own body than you have now.

2.    Dehumanizing others is also not the answer
Not only is violence not the answer, but neither is dehumanizing the police or any other person. If we do that, we’re no better than them. Just as not all black people are criminals, drug addicts, or any other stereo type, not all police are bad. One police officer in Buffalo lost her job for standing against a fellow officer. It’s important to remember that the issue here is more subtle than one of white supremacists vs. black people.
So, with that established, let’s look to what is a productive response.

3.    Get organized
One of the biggest obstacles to making a true change is to get organized. The one percent, in addition to having lots of money, have been highly organized. They have strategically placed men and women in places of power who support their agenda. From that structure, they are able to get tax breaks and other benefits that the average person doesn’t get.
While you may not have the same kind of money, it is still possible to effectively mobilize. You cannot be complacent. Join a block club, create an organization, support each other, campaign, help support representatives that you know and are willing to support your interests, right letters to existing local and national representatives, peacefully protest, make sure the media is reporting on what you want to know about, and work together.
While this may be somewhat of a tall order in a world with fading inter-personal contact and a culture of fear, it is possible and necessary. You’ll notice that the rest of my suggestions depend heavily on this part being in working order.

4.    Get educated
Know what your rights are. What you may intuitively think are your rights and what your actual rights are under the law can be two very different things. The ACLU and similar organizations have information that can give you a head start. Law review articles are thorough and give you a good background on the relevant law (you can try using Google Scholar for this). To go to the source of the law try Legal Information Institute for this or your local law library. Lawyers in the community, you can do your part to help. Get involved in an organization that offers legal advice to those who can’t afford it, and, if one doesn’t exist, create one yourselves.

5.    Be a mindful consumer
One of the best ways to protest, is to boycott businesses that support the same structure that continues to oppress black people. If you live in a predominantly black, urban neighborhood, you probably have certain stores in your area that continually exploit the black community (e.g. rent-to-own stores, etc.). So, if that business is not helping your cause, don’t go there. This includes fast food restaurants that do more harm than good.
However, this is not the only thing you need to pay attention to. Be a mindful consumer of media. Don’t accept garbage news. Don’t accept music and movies that perpetuate harmful stereo types of black people. If necessary, get rid of your cable (it makes it easier to control the content coming in to your house). It may sound militant, but there are ways to entertain yourself that aren’t detrimental to the black community.

6.    Create your own opportunities
Relatedly, if you’re finding it hard to find employment or business opportunities in your neighborhood, create them. This is especially important if your or someone you know is dealing with a prior conviction.
If you are fortunate to have money, then fund the people and businesses in your area that traditional banks won’t lend to.
On the consumer side of this, instead of supporting businesses that are harmful to your neighborhood, support locally owned businesses in your area.

7.    Educate your children
With many inner-city schools failing, impossible economic conditions, and host of other issues, it’s hard to ensure that our children are receiving a proper education and that they’re being treated with respect from day one. We can organize to change the system (see item # 3), but while we are waiting for the system to change, we can use self-help measures. Home schooling is an option. The conservative right has been using this is as a tool for many years, and it has worked.
If you can’t do this yourself, try to find someone in your community who is willing to do this (again, see # 3).
If this is not an option, show up to school board meetings, talk to other parents, talk to the principal. In short, do whatever you can, no matter how small a step it may seem. '

8.    Help debunk stereo types
Things like “Dear White People” and College Humor are working toward this goal, but you can do your part. Don’t fall into the trap of “acting black or white.” White people do not have a copyright on correct grammar, white collar professions, or country music. So be yourself and do what you have to do. Not happy with our first black President? Then become the next black President.

9.    Be patient
It’s hard to encourage people to be patient at this stage of the game. After hundreds of years of oppression, this seems unimaginable, but we also have to realize that this type of lack of respect for black lives has been present since the very inception of this country (e.g. the Constitution only recognized slaves as 3/5 of a man). This state of mind was not helped by our government’s lack of enforcement of our civil rights (the first civil rights act was not passed until close to 100 years after slavery was outlawed and even then it was hardly what was needed).
In short, this is going to take time, but the good news is that we’ve been at this for a while now and each day that we stay strong and take positive steps forward is one more day toward progress.

10.    Work your faith
With the news of Mike Brown’s murder, the many others before him, and the assault on peaceful protesters, I was feeling overwhelmed and discouraged, but I want to thank my Mom for reminding me that it is not by my might that this situation will be resolved (Isaiah 4:6). So, work your faith. Pray for peace. Pray for your enemies. Pray for the courage and strength to take what steps you can against the odds. And don’t just work your faith for yourself, encourage others in your community (again, see # 3). In my own life, this has been the most important step.
If you don’t believe in God, then tap into whatever resource you have to give you courage and strength during this battle.

So, I've been reading Dickens' "Bleak House" lately and made it to chapter four where the reader is introduced to Mrs. Jellyby.

Mrs. Jellyby is a philanthropist whose latest project involves coffee cultivation in Africa that is meant to be for the ultimate good of the natives as well as those who have settled there. Mrs. Jellyby is described as a woman of "remarkable strength of character" by Mr. Kenge before the main character reaches her house to find many young children, dirty, with one who has gotten his head stuck between two iron railings. After the main character helps this boy out, they are led upstairs to meet Mrs. Jellyby, and as they are going up they hear another little Jellyby falling down the stairs. They are introduced to Mrs. Jellyby, who is not at all bothered by the sound of one of her children falling down the stairs. She is described as having eyes that have a "curious habit of seeming to look a long way off...as if...they could see nothing nearer than Africa." She is extremely unkempt, her house is a wreck (with the curtains in one of the rooms being fastened with a fork), she has relegated her eldest daughter to do nothing but dictate letters on her African project, and her husband is an inconsequential man who doesn't say anything and fades into the background. In short, she has focused her efforts on everything else but her home.

When I was reading this, I couldn't help but wonder if I was a Mrs. Jellyby. It made me wonder whether I have sacrificed too much on the domestic side of things in order to focus on my passions. I'll openly admit that I have an "I want to save the world" complex, and this is a long running between me and Matt at home. I'll also openly admit that domestic tasks are not my first priority, but I can't go so far as to say that's a fault. Do I think Mrs. Jellyby is right to ignore her children and the house around her to the degree she does? No. But, my answer would be the same if this were Mr. Jellyby we were talking about. Further, it's my opinion that men who sacrifice everything in their home life, even if they leave it to their significant other to pick up the pieces, are no better (but there hasn't been much criticism about that form of neglect).

I think that it's good to have passion, and to stand up for what you believe in. I think there is more to life for women than cleaning up and taking care of children. I think that children are better off when they have a strong female model that has passions but also is there to be a guide, and I don't believe women have to choose between having a career and having children.

As for Dickens' Mr. Jellyby, the book seems to paint him as a victim of his wife's disinterest in her house, but I can't agree there either. He has a responsibility not to sit idly by if he is so miserable. If your wife isn't good at taking care of kids, don't have so many, get a nanny, or do it yourself!! If you don't like that your household is a mess, than get off your ass and clean it. Yes, I said it. Men, you can get up and clean your household if it's not as clean as you would like it. Allowing yourself to become nothing but an afterthought is no one's fault but your own. I have no patience for this theory that strong women=neutered men.

Why am I ranting about Dickens' views on feminism as illustrated in an 1852 novel? I'm ranting because this line of thinking is still prevalent today. How many times must we hear about how things are so horrible today because women have gone to work? There are lots of things, other than the rise of feminism, that can be attributed to that.

So, while I may be like Mrs. Jellyby in some respects, I know that I've done my best to balance my home life with my other passions, responsibilities, etc., and I will not feel guilty about my choices simply because I am a woman.

I was quoted in the UB school newspaper earlier this month on my experience visiting prisons.

Things have been really rough lately. To top things off I spoke to my sister, who is not doing well. She can't find a decent job, is behind on her rent, and feels like giving up. She also has been sick and she said the doctor's found a lump. I don't know what I would ever do if I lost my sister, and this scares the crap out of me. I told her to consider moving up here. I really wish my family wasn't so spread out.

Well I've had a really crappy few days. I am officially crashing and I can't seem to get anything meaningful done. I also think that I'm starting to come down with the sickness that's been going around my household for the past week (another obstacle that's been in my way). To top it all off I feel extremely guilty because it's not as if I'm simply on break and my stagnant behavior effects no one. I'm supposed to be helping to finish this research project that I'm helping on, and I just feel frozen. Not fun. On the upside, I'm back into practicing my Spanish. :)

P.S. I did take that tour of Albion and I plan to write about my experience. Much different. Also, I'll be doing the Prison Task Force this semester, and I get to teach legal research and writing to prisoners at Wende. So psyched.

Initial Impression

I visited the Wende Correctional Facility today. Wende is a men’s maximum security prison in Alden, NY. There is a long fence that goes along the front of the building padded with rows and rows of barbed wire. When you enter the gate to go up to the front door, there is barbed wire above your head as well. This was really intense compared to Attica that has a 35’ foot high (and deep) wall that goes around the perimeter. However, once we got into the reception area I saw a Christmas tree and decorations. For a minute, it felt like I was in a regular office, or maybe a Sheriff’s office in a small town. The other difference I noticed right away was the presence of women. While at Attica, I may have seen one woman during the whole tour; although, I can’t even recall if I did or not. I saw African American Correction Officers as well. I hadn’t seen any at Attica. The guards were a lot friendlier too. They weren’t as wrapped up in trying to scare us.

Introduction

After getting checked in, we went into the visitor’s room, which was a lot smaller than the one at Attica; however, it should be noted that the population is more than half of that at Attica with approximately 950 inmates. I believe the count at Attica is about 2200. The introduction we got at Wende was similar to that Attica where we were told that everything that we have on the outside (gangs, drugs, sex, etc.) they have on the inside. The one guard compared their positions (the Co’s) to that of police on the outside, which I thought was interesting. Apparently, Wende’s claim to fame is two-fold. First, it is a processing center for seven counties in the area. When county prisoners become “state ready” (after they’ve been sentenced) they go to Wende for initial processing. While there, they are strip/cavity searched, deliced, and given a medical evaluation. Once they have been processed, they’re off to another facility to be further processed. As a result, they handle a lot of volume on a daily basis, despite their relatively small size. Second, the guards were sure to mention, that instead of Attica, they were really the ones who got the “worst of the worst” because they had to take in all of Attica’s “problem children” that get transferred. I thought it was interesting how the guards at each facility wanted to establish how really “bad ass” their facility was compared to any of the others. When one of the guards was asked if he ever had to use his baton, he said that thankfully in 26 years (the entire time that he’s been an officer) he hadn’t had to use his baton because you learn to use your brain instead of your strength. This response was almost word for word what the guard said while giving the introduction at Attica. Coincidence? I highly doubt it.

"Belly of the Beast"

After the intro we were off. We split up into two groups. When we got to the main entrance/corridor, the guard said this is where your heart should start pumping because from this point on you’re on the inside, or something to that effect. I was a little scared. Wende is a lot louder than Attica. In Attica it seemed that you could virtually hear a pin drop. That certainly wasn’t the case at Wende. The prisoners had a different attitude as well. At Attica, when we walked by, the prisoners would stop and avert their eyes while we walked by. The prisoners here looked straight at us and talked amongst themselves or to the guard. There was also less a sense of treating the inmates as inferior. For instance, several times our guard said that these guys (the inmates) were really smart and had they used their smarts toward a different end things could have ended up differently, or that there is good and bad in everyone. The guards were really candid too about the fact that sometimes guards do get out of hand and sometimes guards or civilians on the inside are corrupt and bring contraband into the jails. Another moment of honesty was when the guard said that he felt it was unfair that inmates get medical treatment within a few days, but they have to wait a few months while their procedures (MRIs and the like) are cleared through insurance. Although, the short answer to that is that the State is responsible for the custody and care of prisoners, so it is their duty. The real issue is that it shouldn’t take that long for someone to be able to get a medical procedure, if they need it, but that’s an entirely different issue. There were some cynics. At one point a guard said that he didn’t think there could be such a thing as an “honor” block in a prison. Another guard said, “we make money off of them, and pretty soon you will be too.” Overall, though, the environment seemed to be more positive than the one at Attica. They’re prison was organized differently too. They kept individuals with IQs below 70 in special housing, segregated from the general population. They had a hospice unit for those that were dying, and the prisoners get to work as hospice aids in the prison, sitting with these individuals who are dying and helping them to live their last days as comfortably as possible.

Prisoner Interview

At the end of the tour we were brought into what looked like an old classroom to meet the inmates we would be talking to. We talked to four inmates. Three of them were African American, the other was Caucasian. Just as at Attica, I was extremely impressed with these men. These men had managed to rehabilitate themselves in a facility where violence is the norm and instead they were able to find some inner peace. They all worked at hospice, most, if not all, had learned sign language and translated for deaf inmates at the prison. Some worked with blind inmates as well. They all were involved with the school there (that was another difference-more educational opportunities seemed to be available at Wende versus Attica). When I asked about gang violence, they all said it was a problem, but one of them said that, from his perspective, the problem was that you have all these young kids (some as young as 16 and 17) coming through the system and they just know that they don’t want to be the victim. It’s either you or them. He went on to say that some may not even want to be in a gang, but they do it because they don’t know how to be on their own. They talked a little of their plans, and what they hoped to do afterwards. All of them wanted to give back to their community in some shape or form. In two of the cases, the prisoners claimed that they had been involved in a situation where someone was murdered, but the actual murderer received less time than they did. One of them had been sentenced to 20 years for a robbery (his prior offences were two DWIs). After our interview was done, one of the officers felt it necessary to point out that a prisoner can use a trash bag to strangle you or burn it so that it becomes hard enough to stab you with it. This seemed like an obvious ploy to try and re-instill that fear of prisoners lest we forget that these are really monsters that we’re dealing with. Right after this little demonstration the tour was over.

Closing Thoughts

With respect to the impossibility of having an “honor” block in a maximum security prison, I disagree. To me, if you can accept what you’ve done wrong, make peace with it, and change your life for the better, that is honorable. I think men like this have a lot to offer, especially when you have whole communities where positive male figures, or any male figures for that matter, are sorely lacking.

I went to Attica today for my prisoners' rights class. It was my first time ever going to a prison. One of the most memorable moments of the tour happened when we were going through the kitchen and the smell of the food almost made me vomit. All the meals are made in one facility, flash frozen, and delivered to all the prisons state-wide to be thawed and served. They used to have farms nearby the facility that would provide the food for the prison, but they closed them down to switch to the way they do it now. It costs $2.50 to feed each prisoner per day.

It was also apparent that every guard that I saw was a white male, and a large population of the prisoners were black (there are no female prisoners in Attica). There is tear gas in the ceilings of the mess hall so they can clear out the room quickly if necessary, and you can be keep locked (kept in your cell for 23 hours a day) if you sit or step on the equipment in the metal yard, or if you touch the barber's tools. The highest paying job is in the metal yard at $40 every two weeks. Your also not allowed to talk in the corridors. No one seemed to talk at all while we were there, other than the guards. Some of the guards that hold the keys are locked within cells themselves so that no one can gain access to them. The prisoners are not allowed access to the internet or computers at all.

The officer giving the tour also said that the higher the education level of the inmate, the less likely he is to come back. When I asked if they had college correspondence courses, I was told that there is a small amount available. There used to be more available, but Federal and State laws were passed to preclude felons from obtaining financial aid. I asked what the thinking behind that was, considering the effect of education on recidivism rates, and the guard responded that taxpayers don't want to have to pay for prisoners to get a college education, seeing as it already costs taxpayers $35,000 per year, per prisoner. This argument didn't really make sense to me considering that you'd be paying more in the long-term, and I indicated as much, but he was pretty blustery about the point and just mentioned taxpayers again.

At the end of our tour, we were able to talk to one of the prisoners. I didn't quite get his full name, so I won't attempt it now. He was a really tall guy. He looked like an NBA player; he actually used to play basketball in high school. He was 31 and has been locked up for 12 years. He's serving a sentence of 25 to life for second degree murder. As mentioned, he was playing basketball in high school and had a chance to get a scholarship, but he fell in with the wrong crowd, dropped out in his last year, got involved with the wrong stuff, and ended up killing someone. He didn't know they were dead right away, so it sounds like something that was unintentional. Even though he turned himself in, after being on the run, he was still given the maximum sentence, despite not having a prior record. This guy seemed like a good guy to me, and it broke my heart to hear his story. He has an 11 year old daughter who he tries to support while in prison, and he's taken responsibility for his life choices. I know that what he did was wrong...and this is true of most prisoners...but at the same time I can also recognize how easy it is to mess up. All it takes is that one wrong decision that you can't take back.

I read a case where an individual was sentenced to time in a "Special Housing Unit" for keeping stamps, an atlas, and a used ink cartridge in the NAACP office that he was responsible for at Sing Sing. He was also "guilty" of composing a letter to a religious organization, in which he requested to pay for religious materials, to distribute to the general population, with stamps or have someone else (on the outside) send a check, since the inmates did not have any access to cash.

This is particularly disturbing to me because this is an obvious abuse of whatever these rules were set up for, yet the District Court reviewing his petition felt no need to do anything whatsoever. I understand that courts can only adjudicate the issues that are presented before them, although that doesn't stop some of them (see Ashcroft v. Iqbal), but sometimes you just have to wonder what the heck is going on. I mean come on already...it's one thing to write up prisoners for illegal behavior, but stamps and an ink cartridge? Really?! This is even more amazing to me considering all of the illegal activities that do take place in prisons and go overlooked and unpunished.

I heard someone say the other day that sometimes when you try to fight "monsters" you can become one yourself. I think we fall into this behavior much more than many of us are willing to admit. But, as in the words of Lavar,"you don't have to take my word for it." See for yourself. The citation is Joseph v. Fischer, 2009 WL 3321011 (S.D.N.Y. 2009).