Today is a rainy, blustery, somewhat chilly day, and it’s appropriate weather for how I feel. Today I had to do one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I had to say goodbye forever to my dear, sweet Sammie.

Sammie came to me by airplane almost seven years ago on a January evening. We had gone online, found a breeder in Mississippi, and had chosen her out of six other puppies. From her pictures, it was easy to tell that she was a special dog. We picked up from the airport in the evening. She almost hadn’t made it because the weather had been so bad, and she couldn’t fly if the temperature dropped below a certain point. She was whimpering in her crate the entire drive home, and she shook as she stepped out for the first time in our backyard. We lived on Humason at the time. From that moment, I loved her. Sammie and I spent a lot of time together as we went to puppy training classes, and I would spend hours on the floor with her, working with her. Early in her life, she also spent a lot of time with Matt. Sometimes he would take her to work with him. In her adult life, she was very patient with Kylie and, later, Madison. She would also develop a very close relationship with Justin, who would sit on the floor and nuzzle her in spite of his allergies.

Sammie was a great dog through and through. She listened well. She was loyal to you no matter what, and she was full of a special energy. People would ask me if she was a puppy long after she had become an adult simply because she was so excited to be alive. She loved other people, and she loved other dogs. She loved to go places. She loved going to the vet. She loved everything. She showed the same amount of excitement for every meal, even though she often ate the same thing. She was also the biggest baby you’d ever want to meet. Everyone who met her loved her instantly. Even Matt loved her, despite himself.

Sammie was also a head turner. Because she was so big, it was hard to walk anywhere with her without someone stopping me to ask what kind of dog she was. This actually happened to me right as we were going into the clinic today. It was heartbreaking.

Sammie wasn’t stupid. She would also find a way to get into things when she wanted to. When she was younger she would find something to chew, no matter what you did, and we practically had to barricade off the room if we didn’t want her to get in. She would give you a look with her eyes when she wasn’t happy with you, and she would grunt at you too. She knew today too. She knew that we weren’t there for a good reason. When I came into the room she moved for me. I knelt down on the floor with her and cradled her in my arms. She stayed in my arms through her very last moments.

In short, there are few dogs that I’ve met in my life that can meet up to her. I am so grateful that I had her in my life when I did, and I know that this house won’t be the same without her. She will forever have a special place in my heart.

So, if you had the pleasure of knowing her, please take a moment to raise your glass, coffee cup, or sippy cup and drink to that kind, gentle soul, known here on earth as Sammie Beatrix Glushefski.

My friend Kemi challenged me to do a “gratefulness challenge” on Facebook a while back. I didn’t do it then, because I was pretty busy and I felt like most of my status updates usually reflect on something that I’m grateful for, so I didn’t think it was urgent. I’m not trying to toot my own horn or anything. It is simply a fact that in recent years I have chosen to focus my life on the positives, rather than the negatives. Nonetheless, I was challenged, I felt bad for not following through, and I’m still recovering from my disabling sickness, so I’m going to do the whole challenge (3 things to be grateful for over seven days) in one fell swoop, minus the tagging additional people. So, here is my list of 21 (yup, those are my superior math skills working) things that I’m grateful for. If religious things make you queasy, there will be some of that here, so you may want to avert your eyes.

1.    My kids
Of course, this has to be number one for me. For those of you that know me well, my kids are at the very core of who I am.
With my older sons, I was able to grow and learn with them. It was through them that I learned to prioritize what was really important in my life, and I learned to be strong when things got tough.
With my daughters, I have a second chance at raising young children, and I’m able to appreciate more, because I’m older, wiser, and more patient (still working on it though).

2.    My parents
I love my parents more than words can say. I’m so grateful for all they have taught me. My parents are not perfect, but who the heck is anyway?
Both my parents taught me so much in different ways. Growing up, I loved talking to my Dad. We would argue about things for hours while my Dad drank coffee and smoked cigarettes. So if you were ever wondering why you can usually see me with a cup of coffee (decaf of course) and happy to have a five hour debate on just about on anything, there’s your answer.

My Mom is force of nature. It’s so hard to describe her, but in a way she is almost magical. When she cooks, it tastes great. When I’m feeling down, she knows the words to say. When I’m sick, she knows what herbs will help me feel better. My Mom is not Donna Reed by any stretch of the imagination, but when I need her, she’s there.

3.     My Matt
Just because he’s at # 3, doesn’t mean that my Matt is not important to me. Matt is one of the funniest people I know. People don’t get our relationship, and that’s perfectly fine. Sometimes I don’t even get it. Matt is one of the most difficult people I have ever had to deal with (no doubt he would say the same about me). He is distant. Sometimes he won’t answer you, and I sometimes wonder how he functions among us humans. However, I can’t say I’ve ever loved anyone more in my life. He is a wonderful father, and sometimes, if you look very closely, you can see how much he cares.

4.    FOOD!!
I LOVE TO EAT!!! If you know me, you know how much I love to eat. This should almost be # 1.

5.    FOOD OUT!!
Again, if you know me, you would also know that not only do I love to eat, I love to eat out. This is how Matt and I started dating in the first place (see # 3).

6.    Going to law school
The joy I felt going to law school is hard to describe, and I’m so grateful that I had the opportunity to go.

7.    Free from addiction
No, I’m not an addict or former addict (unless we’re talking nicotine and caffeine), but I’ve seen so many face addiction to drugs and alcohol, and I thank God with every fiber of my being that I am free.

8.    My sanity
I also thank God that my brain works. I am thankful that I am able to wake up each morning and function. I am thankful that, while I find certain things to be completely aggravating, I am able to utilize self-control. In short, I am grateful for a brain that makes it possible for me to live independently.

9.    Technology
While I feel it can be invasive, I am grateful for technology, because it can be used as a tool to help keep people honest. An example would be people using smart phones to record police brutality.

Obviously, I’m also grateful for other things that advances in technology enable us to do, but that’s what comes to mind for now.

10.    My D&D game
I’m so sad I never did this before now.

11.    That I can read
Besides loving to read books, I’m so grateful, because watching my daughter who can’t read makes me comprehend how disabling it would be if I couldn’t read.

12.    My senses
Some of the things that bring me the most joy in my life depend on my senses working properly. I love looking at my children. I love to taste good food. I love to listen to music. I love to dance. I love to sing. None of this would be possible without the senses in my body working just right.

13.    Choices
I’ve heard people argue that choices make people unhappy. I couldn’t disagree more. I am so grateful for choices. I am grateful for a world where I can make different choices based on my mood or how I’m feeling. I am grateful that the beauty of choices is seen in every facial characteristic, every leaf, and every building.

14.     Recovering
I’m so grateful to God that I am recovering from my illness. I thought I was going to die, but, thankfully, I get to live another day and I’m no longer miserable.

15.    My health
My recent illness has helped me to realize how much I take my health for granted. When I was sick, I felt so discouraged. I couldn’t enjoy things the way I normally do, and I felt so disconnected. I’m so grateful that I normally don’t have to deal with that, and I’m so sorry for people who do.

16.    My dreams
You may say I dreamer or that I have ADHD (ha! get it?), but I’m glad for all of my dreams. I’m glad that what I want to do isn’t always practical. I’m glad that I’m in my thirties and I want to take up tap dancing, because, for me, this is the stuff that keeps my life interesting. This is the stuff that keeps me looking forward to a new day.

17.    My enemies
The Bible says you should bless your enemies. This seems counterintuitive, but I think I get it, and I am grateful for them. I have come under attack at various points in my life, but what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, and I refuse to harbor resentment and hate that will only hurt me more in the end. So, thank you enemies. You know who you are.

18.    Working with great people
I’m so blessed to work with people that I like, and I’m grateful that my life has taken me down this new road.

19.    My siblings
There is a special place in my heart for my sisters and my brother. We may not always get along, we may not always see each other, we may not always talk, but my life would still be incomplete without them.

20.    Everyday blessings
I am grateful for the blessings that I see happen in my life on a daily basis. Each day is a new adventure, and each day I can find a blessing if I choose to see one.

21.    My friends
Last, but not least, I am so thankful for the many great friends in my life. I have been blessed with so many good friends in my life, and at each point I have had someone there to help guide me, to laugh with me, and to see me through hard times. I am able to remember all those times and to look forward to even better ones thanks to all of you wonderful people.

I’m currently recovering from one of the most serious bouts of illness I have faced in my years on this earth, at least from what I can remember. I was unable to eat for five and a half days, and, even now, on the seventh day (of my illness), I am still extremely weak. The experience was a curious one, not only because at one point I seriously considered the possibility that I might die (or at least be seriously injured), but also because it seemed to take me into another world.

I once read a novel, Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell. The story is set in 19th Century England and follows two magicians (you guessed it…Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell). At one point in the story, Jonathan Strange is attempting to find this magic being that lives in the magic world. To do this, he ultimately has to take a potion that induces a sort of insanity. He does not lose his mind, but the experience leaves him with a darkness that was not there.

I couldn’t help thinking of this book while I lay in the emergency room at Sister’s Hospital, and since then, because this illness seemed to take me into some alternate universe. I say this, because what I saw and heard did not feel like delirium. I was able to open my eyes and see that what I was hearing and seeing wasn’t actually happening (in this “world”). This happened several times, but the first was at the hospital.

My room was like a normal hospital room, minus the outer wall- there was a large curtain in its place. There were no adjoining doors on the others walls of the room, and a window on the wall opposite the curtain. I laid in this room receiving fluids, and while I laid there I literally saw people come in my room that weren’t there, they lay things on the bedside table that weren’t there either, and had conversations that weren’t taking place. I saw a little sitting gallery where some children sat and others came to collect them from or sit there with them. Yet when I opened my eyes to sit up and look to see if there was at least an adjoining door there, there was none. There was only a wall. I wondered then, and a little now, whether I was seeing dead people. I must point out that I considered the possibility that I was distorting outside noises, but based on my observation, that was not that case.

At this point, you may be saying to yourself, “well, obviously you were dreaming…I mean you just said that your eyes were closed,” but it wasn’t like a dream. After living as long as I have, I know what a dream feels like. This was no dream.

When I got home later that night, I had a similar experience. However, this was more like dreaming, but it still felt other worldly. I was in my bed, but it didn’t feel like my bed. It felt like it took me to a different place (again some other reality or universe). This time I was in the desert participating in some social experiment where we argued over how to organize our new society. The men, one man in particular, was focused on fashioning a very large, imposing weapon, intended to encourage others to follow him. We debated the consequence of this strategy and others (yes, even in delirium/dreaming/alternate worlds/whatever I’m still arguing about these kinds of things).

My next encounter was brief and happened the next morning. I was lying in bed. I closed my eyes and was in a bed still, but this time the ceiling was extremely tall (like sky scraper tall) and the walls were extremely white. Standing above me, about as tall as the ceiling, was a metallic, robot-like, creature. It turned to walk away, and I asked (not really yelling either) whether it was “friend or foe.” It turned back towards me, bent down, and looked at me. Its head was large, metal. There was a little opening where I expected to see eyes, but, instead I saw brown dirty water sloshing around inside. The creature then stood back up and moved on.

I had another brief moment last night, but it was nothing worth describing. After my “encounters,” it makes me wonder if, like Jonathan Strange, once you’ve seen this other world, you are indelibly tainted. In other words, you may not be stuck there, but some part of you will always be attuned to it.

To my knowledge, I am not now nor have I ever been known to suffer from any mental illness, nor was I under the influence of any medication (other than non-hallucinogenic herbs) during my recovery.

I wonder if this is how John felt when he wrote Revelations.