a few years ago, i used to have these really scary dreams in that half awake state just before i would fall into rem sleep. in these dreams, an angry man/monster would stand over my bed and prevent my arms and legs from moving. i'd try to scream, but nothing came out. and slowly, the less i resisted, i would come fully awake scared shitless. i really thought i was going crazy for a while, especially when my grandmother started visiting me in these dreams (those weren't scary, but it was weird because she's no longer living).

then, i told a friend about these dreams and he asked if the scary man ever spoke to me. no, he never did. but that night, a monk with a cowl covering his face stood at the end of my bed and chanted a message to me. i forgot the message in the morning, but it was very important and at the time seemed like the key to happiness, or something. but more importantly, in the morning i also realized that as soon as it was suggested to me that the visitors might try to communicate with words, they did so. i realized it was all in my mind and the scary dreams stopped immediately.

once or twice since moving to buffalo, i've had that dream again, of the man standing over me, but i haven't taken it seriously since i know how to wake myself up and get out of the situation. i'm pretty sure these dreams are symptomatic of being unsettled with some aspect of my life.

last night, i had a different kind of dream, but it fits into this category because i woke up still tingling in physical reaction and also fully believing in what i had just experienced. it's kind of strange, but i was channelling steve so that he could communicate with five women, all of them unsettled souls. two of the women shared the same body, one of them holding a wooden spoon. i have no clue what was said, but i did have super strong visual images from this dream. when i woke up, my body was in the same position (head resting on crossed arms), but it felt like every nerve ending in my skin was stimulated.

so, i've thought about this dream all day long. i thought i'd share it with you.

Hey, if you like Vodka, come on by with a mixer!

175 North Street (1 block north of allen)
the ambassador
Apt. 106


come 11 pm or so

i meant to post this last night, but i lost my connection and then decided i might as well go to bed.

robin, i'm glad you had a good time with keith. i could have helped with the singing. did you also do the motions to father abraham?

this is a box too. mostly, boxes don't talk back. as you see, even im refuses to interact with me.

now that i'm talking less and less to people, i'm talking more and more to boxes. i refuse to worry about it.

so i devoted today to watching 2 vampire movies.

i picked up Nosferatu at random in the DMS library either yesterday or today (it's summer and days run together). i watched it in bits today, in between doing the dishes, good day live, and finishing my grading.

it was my second silent film this week (the other being passion of joan of arc on friday at BPO -- good, but for a rave review ask holly) and i dug it. that max schrek is quite the vampire, let me tell you. very convincing and i just loved the whole thing anyway. i'm not much for the horror films of today, but i really like this one.

then, while processing, i remember back to my senior year of college when a friend of my was excited about willem defoe being in a movie about nosferatu. so i imdb-ed it to get the title and took the short walk to dvd dot and rented shadow of the vampire.

dude, that was super cool. willem defoe and john malkovich and a little cary elwes to appease my 13 yr old princess bride loving self. the final few scenes (esp. the last one) were a little overdone, and maybe not so convincing that f.w. murnau really did hire a vampire, but i say watch it -- if you haven't -- and tell me what you think.

hmmm... vampires.
i also had a dream last night that i was lending anne rice books to someone. this is a bit odd and goes in my book of coincidence. these themes appear for a reason.

i thought i'd test out the sketch tool.
then i remembered it used to be my goal (and still is) that whenever i use an etch-a-sketch, i attempt to cover the entire screen in lines.
so i started here. but instead i made this.

and i like it. hmmm. more may come.

my pal lindsay was visitng this weekend. we had good times in niagra falls yesterday, even though the weather was kind of iffy. then to the astronaut party.

linds said earlier that she'd just leave when she wanted to go. she had to leave buffalo early this morning to get her dog out of a kennel. so when we moved from julie's to the pink, she headed for my apt. but i felt bad about it. why did i want to drink more than hang out with my good friend who lives in philly? i have messed up priorities.

but most worst is that after the pink, i was walking home with tom and he wanted to see my place, or something, i guess, so he came up and linds let us in, then went back to bed and we had a drink and talked and talked. a couple hours later, she woke up and said she was going to leave for philly at 6am instead of 7 since she was awake anyway.

so she did and i didn't get a chance to properly apologize for being a shitty friend. i hate being drunk around people who aren't.

oh well, i need to write her a letter and apologize. but i'm still trying to wake up. i'm so glad school is over and i don't have to worry about tomorrow. tom stayed till 7am or so, until i was falling asleep while talking. (a similar situation to being drunk and talking to the sober). sorry, tom.

it's just better to be in control of your faculties in front of other people, even if they are your friends.

i am sad that julie's going away for the summer. she wil miss the happenings at the pink and all else that buffalo offers in summertime (i can't wait). but also she'll be having her own rad time in AK, away up north.

i'm thinking of this cause i just saw her new primary pic on friendster. she's in her winter coat. makes me realize that she'll be in alaska this time next week. wearing her winter coat, i assume.

but she'll come back. buffalo's a fine place and it would be the same without her.

she better come back.

churchofjulie also has her website posted, featuring pics of the weddings at city hall. go check it out


good night

today i want to clean. haven't pulled out all the stops (floors, windows, nooks&cranies) since living here. but i'm home and i'm not cleaning. i'm just thinking about cleaning and that seems to be just as good as cleaning. except that then my apartment isn't actually clean and i'll have to think about cleaning it all over again tomorrow. thinking about cleaning is actually more exhausting than doing the physical work. i should know--i've been thinking about cleaning for about 3 weeks now. i guess i should just roll up my sleeves and get to work.

i think i've read and watched high fidelity too many times.

i've thought this many times in my life.

i used to be a dj at my college radio station and my listeners were veteran music buffs who said i had i good show. but even if i consider myself to have good taste in music, it doesn't mean that i know very much about music.

but i would love to know a lot about music.

but it's a similar crisis to paul's crisis with digital media (which i've also had many times). music and DM are dynamic fields. there is constantly something out there that's new to learn, to pick up, to know about.

knowledge takes too much energy sometimes.

but i still love digital media and i still love rock n roll.

that's why i'm glad i went to Mohawk Place tonight. i only saw/heard one song by the famed kimya -- it was very good. also caught the butchies set. it was good music, good rock n roll. get your fist in the air.

but it also made me sad that i don't know about music. not even the little bit i used to know when i was a once a week DJ. i want to work at championship vinyl, man. get me a job at empire records. anything.

in the real world, i'd enquire at home of the hits. but in the real world, i know i don't know enough for them. knowledge and the lack of it are both burdens.

if it weren't for the cover charges, i might consider making mohawk place, or even nietches my new home. but i can barely afford rent as it is, let alone weekly fees for live music.

but i do love it so. rock n roll buffalo.