so the winter blues certainly got me down this year. i have been doing really bad for the past six weeks or so. i wish i could entirely blame it on just the winter blues, but it doesn't seem so coincidental that i ran out of pot right around the time that i started to get depressed.

i don't understand: all the stereotypes of people smoking pot are just exactly the opposite of what happens to me. when i smoke, i get motivated to do things; i clean the apartment, i take walks, i attend more yoga classes, i have lots of self-esteem. pot is one really easy way to make me enjoy the moment.

anyway, my depression was taking over, (lack of) pot-influenced or not. i felt stuck here in boston, not wanting to do anything, but at the same time, not feeling any pull to go do anything else. and i haven't been eating much at all or sleeping well. i do feel that my depression was starting to lift somewhat at least, i did go to two yoga classes and a dance class last week, and meditated once.

but things were getting really bad with evan (well, i didn't realize that until yesterday; i actually felt that we were o.k., not great, but not bad). but apparently, they were so bad that yesterday morning, when evan was leaving the apartment, the thought came to me, "evan doesn't love me any more." when i brought this up last night, he couldn't disagree. i guess my depression was one more bad moment between us and the foundation of our relationship just wasn't strong enough to make him still feel love for me.

we didn't break up or anything, but the future is very uncertain.

the past 24 hours have been weird. i tried to sleep, unsuccessfully. my mind was just racing due to the conversation with evan, and trying to figure out what i want to do with my life. i finally fell asleep around 4, but then i woke up at 5. i eventually slept from noon until 3 pm.

i went to a yoga class tonight--not the usual kind that i take: it was 95 degrees and a flow class, where i usually prefer classes that are not heated and are slower paced. but yoga was wonderful. it was exactly the right class for me. i became so centered, much more than i could have imagined to be in a time like this. i finally felt some bliss coming through. i am very glad that the bliss came through on my own (with no pot needed). i've actally been in a good mood ever since class. i do need to remember how much i enjoy doing yoga and keep doing it, especially when i am feeling down.

i've been having loads of fun in buffalo. last night, i went to the underground with (e:flacidness) and (e:terry). i have never been to a bar that literally had more drag queens than women. it was lots of fun to be a girl in a bar and not have to deal with anyone trying to hit on you.

the only non-fun part was that i tried to score some ganj, but the guy literally ran away with my money. luckily it was only 20 bucks. it was at least amusing to see him run away down the street.

i can't believe i stayed out until 5:30. i am way too hung over now, and i can't seem to fall asleep. at least wrapping my presents was a great way to not notice my hangover.

i spent all day christmas shopping for my family. it was lots of fun. i really don't get in to shopping, but this was fun to buy lots of gifts for other people. the presents look really pretty under the tree at PMT's house. i got the extra-fancy shiny wrapping paper.

i just remembered that when i was little, i had this fisher price person. i called him "pothead." i had no idea what that meant. how did my mother ever keep from laughing???

i have been doing very little, enjoying the slow pace of life.

winter has arrived. it was giving a few hints of coming soon, but i got caught up in the moment and enjoyed what we had. when it was summer in buffalo last month, i wore a tank top, a skirt, and sandles, and i got spring fever. it was so fun and just puts you in such a good mood! and then i was in north carolina and it was warm yet again at the end of november.

yesterday i woke up to see lots of snow covering everything. and it was so beautiful and i hung out in the park on sunday morning in the beautiful falling snow. i took a walk today and ate some snow, remembering having done the same with my three-year-old nephew, orizen last winter in buffalo.

I've been reading a book called "how to be idle" and i highly recommend it. i realize that i have about 99 percent of these skills in idleness. having been unemployed for 2 and a half years and living in an ashram for 10 months certainly have helped me develop this.

i read a chapter on napping yesterday (and proceeded to take a nap afterwards). at my last "real" job i used to take a nap every afternoon in the sick room, and also doing so in the public garden in the summer. my friend carl used to make fun of me when i would come back to work with grass marks all over my face from sleeping in the park. aaahhh, i love napping!

i just got up to find that it is snowing outside. that's the first time i woke up to find it snowing so far this year, and it's really pretty. also, it helps that i'm headed down to north carolina to visit my dad in a few hours.


i spent some time cleaning yesterday.

this is what my kitchen looked like in the midst of cleaning. i even cleaned out the counter under the sink, which hadn't been looked at for years, and everything was really messy underneath. oh, and it also doesn't help that our recycling hasn't been picked up for a number of weeks already. evan is bringing the recycling to new jersey when he goes there for thanksgiving, "suprise! i brought the GARBAGE for thanksgiving dinner." we should all be thankful we have so many conviences that we can create bagfuls of recycling.




floor after



the countertop was the one thing that we generally keep clean (but i've already messed it up because i was cleaning)


this should be on the cover of a 1950's condo for sale magazine


maybe if we add the fresh-baked cookies, it would be better!




i cannot stop making cookies! but they keep getting eaten. happy thanksgiving to all!

i have been sick for the past two days with a fever and a sore throat. i have slept 28 of the past 40 hours away. i honestly can't figure out why i got sick, as i believe that illness is almost always a way our bodies use to tell us to slow down. but i have turned into ms. ultra mellow in the past two months, and i have certainly not been pushing myself too hard.

(e:lilho) asked me the other day if i was going to get a job, and i answered, "i don't think i want a job now." then she asked if i was going to get married, and i answered, "i don't think i want to get married now." then i added, "i just want to study yoga."

and that is so true. i had an amazing yoga class last week. we each did our own practice, holding each pose for 3-5 minutes. the teacher, who is so loooooose, adjusted each of us in every single pose. wow. that was so wonderful. i got to do my own practice and have adjustments and suggestions in every pose. very nice. and i did such a slow practice, no difficult poses because i just wanted to feel each subtle movement.

i hope i am feeling better tonight because there is a 7 o'clock gentle yoga class that i would like to go to.

i couldn't believe my ears yesterday when i heard on the radio that mcdonald's is selling organic, fair trade coffee. WHAAAT? something organic at mcdonld's?

i did check the internet for more information, and alas, it has only switched to organic coffee in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine and Albany, NY.

this must be a huge boost for the fair trade coffee industry. and it also must say something positive about our culture that even mcdonald's feels the pressure to do something that is a bit more responsible.

i worked today! i spent the day being a nanny for my friends' 9-1/2 month old girl named katia. one cool part of the day was when i was feeding her, she just stared at me in the eyes and it was just so profound.

the other funny part was, because she's at the stage where she puts everything in her mouth, when i was drinking a cup of coffee, each time i took a sip, she liked the cup afterwards. how cute!!

here are some highlights from my walk yesterday. i went to walden pond and all around lincoln, ma, which has got to be the prettiest area close to boston. (i just found out that an acre of land in lincoln costs $550,000!!!!!)





my favorite colors; i'm glad there's still some pretty colors left!





decordova sculputure park

this one was evan's favorite



this was a great idea to make a sculpture out of old tires!



blowing in the wind and glowing in the sun



this guy has always given me the creeps!



there seems to be some kind of messed up theme here:

i just spend the last month travelling all around the country. here are some highlights:

KENTUCKY has got to be the most beautiful state i've been to (no, i haven't been to hawaii). wow. so green, green, green. so many horses grazing on the beautiful green lawns. it was amazingly gorgeous. add a car mechanic who spoke some form of english i honestly couldn't understand (mama-bob had to translate, and i even lived in the south for four years!) and kentucky was a majestic place with endearing foreigners. i can't wait to get back there; maybe i'll ride my bike across kentucky and west virginia.

in TEXAS, i saw my first tarantulla. my family is so cool--we all were excited to see such a huge spider!

GILA NATIONAL FOREST, NEW MEXICO wow, wow, wow, a huge double rainbow after the storm that almost took down our tent (with us inside it!) camping with no one else in sight, and we could see 20-50 miles in every direction. peace. quiet.
i very much enjoyed the work we were doing while living in the the forest: collecting water, cooking, building fires, collecting firewood, babysitting my amazing 3-year-old nephew. it just felt so real and so healthy to be living like this. so spiritual. you can't help but know god when you live so close to the earth.

DEMING, NEW MEXICO GREYHOUND STATION this place was directly out of a scary movie, it was such a dump: a hole-in-the-wall station with paint peeling off the walls, surrounded by mexicans who were eyeing my every move, and to top it off, there were blood stains on the window. and my sister dropped me off there when it was closed, five hours before my bus was going to leave!

CALIFORNIA has the most friendly people in the country. one day, as i was driving my 30 mile, 2-1/2 hour trip from one part of LA to another, i decided to give the peace sign to anyone who had a bumper sticker i liked. one girl with a bob marley sticker waved and smiled like i was her long-lost best friend. yeah, everyone in california has something to say; they are so friendly!
it's too bad that california is so brown.
it was great staying with sara ((e:iriesara)) in san diego. i love you, girl! thanks for trying to fatten me up!

LAS VEGAS was fantastic (i got bumped from my plane, so i spend an evening there). i met a super nice canadian outside of the bellagio hotel who saw the irony of me coming to las vegas from spending most of my time camping in new mexico. las vegas is a place like no other: everyone is in a great mood (because of the oxygen being pumped in the casinos) and the hotels are actual museums. nice way to spend my last day of travelling, and very, very different from the rest of my trip.