so the winter blues certainly got me down this year. i have been doing really bad for the past six weeks or so. i wish i could entirely blame it on just the winter blues, but it doesn't seem so coincidental that i ran out of pot right around the time that i started to get depressed.

i don't understand: all the stereotypes of people smoking pot are just exactly the opposite of what happens to me. when i smoke, i get motivated to do things; i clean the apartment, i take walks, i attend more yoga classes, i have lots of self-esteem. pot is one really easy way to make me enjoy the moment.

anyway, my depression was taking over, (lack of) pot-influenced or not. i felt stuck here in boston, not wanting to do anything, but at the same time, not feeling any pull to go do anything else. and i haven't been eating much at all or sleeping well. i do feel that my depression was starting to lift somewhat at least, i did go to two yoga classes and a dance class last week, and meditated once.

but things were getting really bad with evan (well, i didn't realize that until yesterday; i actually felt that we were o.k., not great, but not bad). but apparently, they were so bad that yesterday morning, when evan was leaving the apartment, the thought came to me, "evan doesn't love me any more." when i brought this up last night, he couldn't disagree. i guess my depression was one more bad moment between us and the foundation of our relationship just wasn't strong enough to make him still feel love for me.

we didn't break up or anything, but the future is very uncertain.

the past 24 hours have been weird. i tried to sleep, unsuccessfully. my mind was just racing due to the conversation with evan, and trying to figure out what i want to do with my life. i finally fell asleep around 4, but then i woke up at 5. i eventually slept from noon until 3 pm.

i went to a yoga class tonight--not the usual kind that i take: it was 95 degrees and a flow class, where i usually prefer classes that are not heated and are slower paced. but yoga was wonderful. it was exactly the right class for me. i became so centered, much more than i could have imagined to be in a time like this. i finally felt some bliss coming through. i am very glad that the bliss came through on my own (with no pot needed). i've actally been in a good mood ever since class. i do need to remember how much i enjoy doing yoga and keep doing it, especially when i am feeling down.

i have been doing very little, enjoying the slow pace of life.

winter has arrived. it was giving a few hints of coming soon, but i got caught up in the moment and enjoyed what we had. when it was summer in buffalo last month, i wore a tank top, a skirt, and sandles, and i got spring fever. it was so fun and just puts you in such a good mood! and then i was in north carolina and it was warm yet again at the end of november.

yesterday i woke up to see lots of snow covering everything. and it was so beautiful and i hung out in the park on sunday morning in the beautiful falling snow. i took a walk today and ate some snow, remembering having done the same with my three-year-old nephew, orizen last winter in buffalo.

I've been reading a book called "how to be idle" and i highly recommend it. i realize that i have about 99 percent of these skills in idleness. having been unemployed for 2 and a half years and living in an ashram for 10 months certainly have helped me develop this.

i read a chapter on napping yesterday (and proceeded to take a nap afterwards). at my last "real" job i used to take a nap every afternoon in the sick room, and also doing so in the public garden in the summer. my friend carl used to make fun of me when i would come back to work with grass marks all over my face from sleeping in the park. aaahhh, i love napping!

i have been sick for the past two days with a fever and a sore throat. i have slept 28 of the past 40 hours away. i honestly can't figure out why i got sick, as i believe that illness is almost always a way our bodies use to tell us to slow down. but i have turned into ms. ultra mellow in the past two months, and i have certainly not been pushing myself too hard.

(e:lilho) asked me the other day if i was going to get a job, and i answered, "i don't think i want a job now." then she asked if i was going to get married, and i answered, "i don't think i want to get married now." then i added, "i just want to study yoga."

and that is so true. i had an amazing yoga class last week. we each did our own practice, holding each pose for 3-5 minutes. the teacher, who is so loooooose, adjusted each of us in every single pose. wow. that was so wonderful. i got to do my own practice and have adjustments and suggestions in every pose. very nice. and i did such a slow practice, no difficult poses because i just wanted to feel each subtle movement.

i hope i am feeling better tonight because there is a 7 o'clock gentle yoga class that i would like to go to.