so the winter blues certainly got me down this year. i have been doing really bad for the past six weeks or so. i wish i could entirely blame it on just the winter blues, but it doesn't seem so coincidental that i ran out of pot right around the time that i started to get depressed.

i don't understand: all the stereotypes of people smoking pot are just exactly the opposite of what happens to me. when i smoke, i get motivated to do things; i clean the apartment, i take walks, i attend more yoga classes, i have lots of self-esteem. pot is one really easy way to make me enjoy the moment.

anyway, my depression was taking over, (lack of) pot-influenced or not. i felt stuck here in boston, not wanting to do anything, but at the same time, not feeling any pull to go do anything else. and i haven't been eating much at all or sleeping well. i do feel that my depression was starting to lift somewhat at least, i did go to two yoga classes and a dance class last week, and meditated once.

but things were getting really bad with evan (well, i didn't realize that until yesterday; i actually felt that we were o.k., not great, but not bad). but apparently, they were so bad that yesterday morning, when evan was leaving the apartment, the thought came to me, "evan doesn't love me any more." when i brought this up last night, he couldn't disagree. i guess my depression was one more bad moment between us and the foundation of our relationship just wasn't strong enough to make him still feel love for me.

we didn't break up or anything, but the future is very uncertain.

the past 24 hours have been weird. i tried to sleep, unsuccessfully. my mind was just racing due to the conversation with evan, and trying to figure out what i want to do with my life. i finally fell asleep around 4, but then i woke up at 5. i eventually slept from noon until 3 pm.

i went to a yoga class tonight--not the usual kind that i take: it was 95 degrees and a flow class, where i usually prefer classes that are not heated and are slower paced. but yoga was wonderful. it was exactly the right class for me. i became so centered, much more than i could have imagined to be in a time like this. i finally felt some bliss coming through. i am very glad that the bliss came through on my own (with no pot needed). i've actally been in a good mood ever since class. i do need to remember how much i enjoy doing yoga and keep doing it, especially when i am feeling down.