i have been sick for the past two days with a fever and a sore throat. i have slept 28 of the past 40 hours away. i honestly can't figure out why i got sick, as i believe that illness is almost always a way our bodies use to tell us to slow down. but i have turned into ms. ultra mellow in the past two months, and i have certainly not been pushing myself too hard.

(e:lilho) asked me the other day if i was going to get a job, and i answered, "i don't think i want a job now." then she asked if i was going to get married, and i answered, "i don't think i want to get married now." then i added, "i just want to study yoga."

and that is so true. i had an amazing yoga class last week. we each did our own practice, holding each pose for 3-5 minutes. the teacher, who is so loooooose, adjusted each of us in every single pose. wow. that was so wonderful. i got to do my own practice and have adjustments and suggestions in every pose. very nice. and i did such a slow practice, no difficult poses because i just wanted to feel each subtle movement.

i hope i am feeling better tonight because there is a 7 o'clock gentle yoga class that i would like to go to.

i couldn't believe my ears yesterday when i heard on the radio that mcdonald's is selling organic, fair trade coffee. WHAAAT? something organic at mcdonld's?

i did check the internet for more information, and alas, it has only switched to organic coffee in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine and Albany, NY.

this must be a huge boost for the fair trade coffee industry. and it also must say something positive about our culture that even mcdonald's feels the pressure to do something that is a bit more responsible.

i worked today! i spent the day being a nanny for my friends' 9-1/2 month old girl named katia. one cool part of the day was when i was feeding her, she just stared at me in the eyes and it was just so profound.

the other funny part was, because she's at the stage where she puts everything in her mouth, when i was drinking a cup of coffee, each time i took a sip, she liked the cup afterwards. how cute!!

here are some highlights from my walk yesterday. i went to walden pond and all around lincoln, ma, which has got to be the prettiest area close to boston. (i just found out that an acre of land in lincoln costs $550,000!!!!!)





my favorite colors; i'm glad there's still some pretty colors left!





decordova sculputure park

this one was evan's favorite



this was a great idea to make a sculpture out of old tires!



blowing in the wind and glowing in the sun



this guy has always given me the creeps!



there seems to be some kind of messed up theme here:

i just spend the last month travelling all around the country. here are some highlights:

KENTUCKY has got to be the most beautiful state i've been to (no, i haven't been to hawaii). wow. so green, green, green. so many horses grazing on the beautiful green lawns. it was amazingly gorgeous. add a car mechanic who spoke some form of english i honestly couldn't understand (mama-bob had to translate, and i even lived in the south for four years!) and kentucky was a majestic place with endearing foreigners. i can't wait to get back there; maybe i'll ride my bike across kentucky and west virginia.

in TEXAS, i saw my first tarantulla. my family is so cool--we all were excited to see such a huge spider!

GILA NATIONAL FOREST, NEW MEXICO wow, wow, wow, a huge double rainbow after the storm that almost took down our tent (with us inside it!) camping with no one else in sight, and we could see 20-50 miles in every direction. peace. quiet.
i very much enjoyed the work we were doing while living in the the forest: collecting water, cooking, building fires, collecting firewood, babysitting my amazing 3-year-old nephew. it just felt so real and so healthy to be living like this. so spiritual. you can't help but know god when you live so close to the earth.

DEMING, NEW MEXICO GREYHOUND STATION this place was directly out of a scary movie, it was such a dump: a hole-in-the-wall station with paint peeling off the walls, surrounded by mexicans who were eyeing my every move, and to top it off, there were blood stains on the window. and my sister dropped me off there when it was closed, five hours before my bus was going to leave!

CALIFORNIA has the most friendly people in the country. one day, as i was driving my 30 mile, 2-1/2 hour trip from one part of LA to another, i decided to give the peace sign to anyone who had a bumper sticker i liked. one girl with a bob marley sticker waved and smiled like i was her long-lost best friend. yeah, everyone in california has something to say; they are so friendly!
it's too bad that california is so brown.
it was great staying with sara ((e:iriesara)) in san diego. i love you, girl! thanks for trying to fatten me up!

LAS VEGAS was fantastic (i got bumped from my plane, so i spend an evening there). i met a super nice canadian outside of the bellagio hotel who saw the irony of me coming to las vegas from spending most of my time camping in new mexico. las vegas is a place like no other: everyone is in a great mood (because of the oxygen being pumped in the casinos) and the hotels are actual museums. nice way to spend my last day of travelling, and very, very different from the rest of my trip.

i'm leaving the ashram soon. i've found a new stint.

why do they call crazy people "nuts"?

i have no idea. cannot come up with any connection there.

anyone know why?

today on my way to work, i saw a fox! i had never seen one before. i wasn't even sure that it was a fox until i looked it up. he was really beautiful, just hanging out on a moss-covered rock, doing his own thing.

i also just learned that gray foxes are monogamous and mate with the same partner for life. i wonder how they decide who they want to be with. is it just whoever happens to be around when they're ready to mate? or is there some kind of soul connection? i wonder...

i'm not sure if all these animals are coming to me because i have been in hiding. maybe that's the energy they like. now they can say hi to me because i'm not a threat, or something like that.





anyway, i feel blessed. wow.

one more thing: someone told me today that when you see your first robin of the season, you should make a wish. i did, in fact, see two robins together this morning, but i didn't know the wish rule yet. i wonder if i can make one anyway. or do i get two, since i saw them in a pair?

welcome, spring!

this morning i went for a walk. it turned out that it was a slow, meditative walk instead of the normal walks i take. you see, the trees and the grass were covered with ice. and it was just so beautiful. i just took my time staring at them and sharing and bonding with them. i believe it is the last time i will see this winter beauty this year.

i spend the last 15 minutes of work this morning within 15 feel of a deer. i was looking out the window, and she saw me, but was not afraid. in fact, i told her not to be afraid, and when i did, she went back to happily eating the grass and licking off her winter fur. then a bunny came by, the exact same color as the deer, and i watched the two of them on the small patch of grass, surrounded by all the snow that has yet to melt. the deer, unafraid, came within 5 feet of where i was at the window, even though she knew i was there.

when walking home from work, i stopped at the gazebo. in that moment, i saw that it was hailing. and i asked for it not to hail, because we're making a lot of progress on the melting snow. so i turned to the other side of the gazebo, and it was only faintly raining. then i realized: it was not hailing. it was the small chuncks of ice falling from the trees that decided to fall off the tree at that moment. the beauty i saw this morning was changing form, and the trees are becoming ready to wake up from their hibernation.

sometime i just feel so alive that i'm pretty sure i have already died. and that is an amazingly beautiful experience.

evan and i aren't talking. i don't think i can put energy into saving us. too many things that i need to do on my own.

i feel very, very sad to have lost my best friend. but i never truly was his partner, and i don't know if i could ever really choose to be. there just wasn't enough love there on my side.

it's a challenge to know when to decide to end things. i was in the computer room yesterday, and my friend asked me how i was doing. i answered that i was still into being alone. (i have been completely antisocial this week, and enjoying spending lots of time by myself.) he misunderstood what i meant and said that he though that i meant that i was thinking about breaking up with evan. and, without thinking, i replied, "i'm always thinking about breaking up with evan." hmm...

last week, when i was driving to buffalo, i heard free bird on the radio. it really resonated with me.

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
And this bird you can not change.
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.

Bye, bye, baby its been a sweet love.
Though this feeling I can't change.
But please don't take it so badly,
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.
But, if I stayed here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
And this bird you can not change.
And this bird you can not change
Lord knows, I can't change.
Lord help me, I can't chaye-ea-ea-ea-.
Lord, I can't change.
Won't you fly... high...free... bird.. (yeah).

(Guitar Solo)


i do like the ending: (guitar solo) i guess that's a good way to go out, no?

today one woman here, who i barely know, stopped me to ask how i was doing. maybe she heard me yelling on the phone last night or something. when i answered that i had a rough night, she said that it would all pass. that just made me cry. because deep down i know it will pass, and that hurts right now. endings are really fucking hard.