Enjoy the Silence.

Once upon a dream
I thought I knew you
Every smile, every glance...
I thought I could
Trust you with my heart
So I took a chance.

I bore my soul
I want you to know
I said what I have to say...
I gave you my raw emotions
Ten years of friendship
And you threw it away.

Now on this day, an anniversary
I honor what we once had
A friendship that most would die for...
I send you silent wishes
"Love never dies, it only fades away"
Moments lost, now only thoughts to cry for.

I'll send you no birthday card
No hallmark greeting
Since you walked away...
We once shared - something
Our hearts once sang,
Now there is silence here today.

Di M Rivera © 2005,12th of November @ 11:25am

There I was perusing postcards of my favorite pieces of artwork in the galleries permanent collection and my best friend calls me over to the kid's section with a "Hey Di, Check this out!" I made a final decision and head toward the back of the Gallery store.

It was crowded so she was already in the kid's section of the store. So I started to look at what was on the shelves in front of me until I could get to the cool thing with my best friend. I am looking at a fully loaded suede sketchbook with colored pencils that has an attached pencil sharpener and on the other side a place to display either your work or a photo - the artist in me is like way cool!

And then it happened: I felt a tug on my coat, which was wrapped around my waist in my typical convenient for me fashion. I looked down and there was a little boy digging into my pocket for comfort. He couldn't have been more than six years old, maybe even five. One hand pulling on my pocket and the other posed to his mouth while looking around at all the people. I was just looking at him with mixed emotions. As he was surveying the room, he looked up to say something - and the result was total shock, he hands recoiled into his armpits (he looked like a little chicken) and his eyes grew wide scared like WHERE IS MY MOMMY? and WHO ARE YOU? and YOU ARE NOT MY MOMMY! scrawled across his facial features. Then he ran to the front of the store toward someone. Then it was all over.

I looked at the price tag $36.00. (That seemed to be the price of everything I wanted that night, which was for sale.)

Once upon a time in the world of reality on a nearby street on the west side of Buffalo, we had a strange morning a few days ago. My father decided to exercise his manly testosterone via the demolition of two windows and the space between them which will eventually become the only window in that room giving more seating in the room and more living space. By the way - the day the demolition starts is that day before the wind storm.

My mom and I are upstairs comfy sitting on the couch under warm toasty blankets trying to have one of those easy mornings we so enjoy when we are aloud to have them. I see something out of the corner of my eye. YIKES! There is something crawling up the lace curtains in the computer room. I told mom as calmly as I could that there was a mouse crawling up the curtains in the other room. She went and got a large butter tub and a magazine and put the tub underneath the mouse as it was crawling up the curtains and she then hit the curtains above the mouse in order to get the mouse in the old butter tub. ALAKAZAM! Thud! Thwap! Mom exclaimed I got it!

We quickly run down the stairs to the front door me opening all the doors along the way until we got to the front door where she threw him into the flower bed in the front of their house. Quite proud that we accomplished this feat we decided to watch a movie and have a relaxing day!

Several hours later, into the early evening after our normal daily activities of meals, paperwork, paying bills, being online doing research, et cetera... We settle into a evening of television watching. Both of us hear a noise like someone is squeaking. High pitch sort of noise and then we see a little tiny visit dart out of the computer room and in the end was running all over the house looking for we think it's mother, whom we had evicted earlier that day. We tried for several futile hours running around after the mouse to no avail.

Brainstorming as to how to get rid of the mouse, we decided to see where we could try and catch him. We gave up for that evening. Next morning after we have eaten breakfast, we had a day off from our weekly activities and decided to bake early in the morning. We were making almond danishes from the food network via Paula Deen's web page. Excellent and tasty. While we were waiting for the dough to chill we noticed the mouse in the bathroom. We quickly ran into the bathroom and closed the door thinking we've gottem now! He he he he. He was so tiny and cute, we ended up laughing ourselves into hysterics as we rearranged all the furniture in the bathroom into a lump of things piled into the middle of the room. Just when we were ready to give up we found him again and we about to corner him and he began to do flips to get away from us and we began to howl with laughter. It couldn't be helped it was absolutely silly that two grown adults in a locked room could capture a one inch mouse. We gave up and went to make lunch and watch television.

We didn't see our friend right away but when we had just forgotten him we discovered there were two of them one an inch long with a little round butt and the other about an inch and a half and less cute. Which explains why we thought we had one trapped in the bathroom and then saw him again, so when we went into the bathroom to answer the call of mother nature decided to leave the door open. They had gotten us, though they probably never knew it.

Now we are wondering how do we get rid of them. Evening comes after errands and shopping, dinner. We settle in for more television watching in the evening and we have a guest. The little mouse was impossible to catch but he like my tiger slippers. He seemed to be playing with them. I tried and experiment. I put socks on and he disappeared. Until the next night when I had my slippers on and guess who. He would come out and look at the TV, I swear! We gave up trying to catch him in the open and just watched him laughing. True we were a bit frustrated. The other one seemed to disappear and then reappear when you least expect it.

This morning I woke up early due to some difficulty with my sinuses and were crocheting on the couch with my Tigger slippers and guess who comes out from underneath the couch between my feet our cute little mouse friend. He went over to his spot and looked at me like why aren't you watching the TV. My mom was still sleeping and I didn't want to wake her. So I just watching him thinking how can I catch him. No ideas I kept crocheting. I swear this mouse was cleaning his paws and looked over his shoulder at me then the TV, like turn it on already! I decided to do something different. I got onto the computer and played a computer game. There was my little friend playing with my slippers running behind furniture where I couldn't catch him. Two hours pass like this. Then I hear a rustling plastic bag in the other room and see him climbing into a cardboard box. I thought - I got him now! I took out the bag which is how he climbed in the box. Started taking out each of the plates. As I was doing this I noticed he could climb up the Styrofoam with his claws. So I gently pushed him off and continued pulling out all the other plates. Until I had an empty box, closed the lid and open the doors and heading for the front door. I called to mom and told her about how I caught him and we were kind of sad to let him go, but he was SO cute. I tried to gently throw him out side into the flower bed, but he kept running to the back of the box. So finally I had to flip it over and let him crawl out. He looked scared. I told him to stay still because the neighbor was walking their dog and when he passed the mouse seemed to disappear into the flower bed.

I kinda miss the cute little mouse with the round butt and his personality. Yet I was pretty proud I caught him. Two field mice evicted and one to go!

There are days were you have to wonder just how talented you must be in order to not cause some cosmic rift in the space time continuum.

Did you ever notice the fragility of the world sphere we live in and then something happens and you collide with another bubble - someone's world. Then it hits you just how small things are, a whole. Yet how can you be so consumed with your spheres that you juggle and then it occurs to you that they are someone else's world that is in your very ha ha capable hands and then you see the bigger picture.

Very Dali Surreal experience - I think I am on a Ny/Day-Quil High with some seriously magnanimous results.

I've had a very agitating day that came from a very agitated sleep and therefore I have concluded that the world spheres with my hands will be in suspended animation whilst I begin again with sleep and see what transpires with a new day and a different level of gravity...

Laughter is the best medicine and yet the apples have brought my doctor's number into focus and a well educated pharmacist with some serious concern told me to make contact with my well educated primary care physician in the morning, so as to a new slate I have a to do list, but we shall see where the worlds will be on the eve of the day were all souls have risen for a night of debauchery and a day of penance, does this mean I need new year's resolutions?

Well we live off of Elmwood closer to Allentown so my mom and I walked to meet the girls at the arena. We were early. Today was a weird day. Got up visited with our neighbor who made breakfast and lunch for us in turn for cleaning his kitchen. We figured why not? Then my Aunt and Uncle came to visit for a few hours. The my dad and his good friend were visiting. Phone calls. Then it was time to go to the hockey game. I wasn't excited, but I wanted to go.

We got there and spent a half hour waiting for the girls to show up. This gave us time to people watch. I watched girls coming in and couldn't believe some of these outfits... why would you wear a mini skirt to a hockey game on a cold rainy night? Why wear beaded suede boots at the hockey bar? Don't get me wrong all of these fashions were hip and cool. Just not appropriate. I wouldn't wear nylons and a skirt with high heels to work out at the gym.

Anyhow we got in and ate the all famous meal hot dogs and fries with a pop. At intermission we had pretzels. This was culture shock for me. I have only been in the auditorium once before so I was really confused as to were we were going and how to get there and every usher I ran across gave me some weird line about how this leds to the 200 level and you have to have 200 level seats and you are not allowed. Like I am underage or something. So finally I dished it back and told the usher that all the ushers are making my first hockey game a memorable experience but one I would not like to repeat again. One of our other married friends suggested we go to the bar and see if there was anyone we'd like to strike up a conversation. We couldn't find it the first intermission. The ushers weren't helpful and until I dished it right back at one of the sphinx of police did i get any cooperation or explanation to the mystery of the well guarded 200 level. As if the President were there or something. Unreal. We finally find the bar. I was outraged at the price of my favorite mixed drink and discovered why I drink at home. Because it is simply cheaper to buy a bottle and share with friends instead of spending the same amount on 3 drinks at a bar with questionable company. It is not like there weren't cool people there. I was just so agitated by the time I got there I could have used the drink and then thought Chippewa Street is cheaper and on the way home.

The game was cool but I wasn't sure of the rules or what was happening and they would announce things with these times that were different from the count down clock but everyone thought i should mysteriously know this. I'm like whatever and still asked a million questions to the woman next to me throughout the whole game and she was very helpful. We ended up winning 3 to 1 in a very fast paced game that was both exciting and enjoyable to a beginner spectator for the grand sport of hockey. But somehow I could just imagine my Great Uncle and my grandfather (who have both passed) yelling and talking about the controversy that I didn't see at the game. The lady next to me explained some of the new rules and how this has taken a great deal of the fighting or controversy out of the game. There was a wild call in the second period - I think - where the ranger scored a second goal and it turned out the whistle had blown before the puck made the goal. All very confusing at the time but what a crowd uproar.

I got confused when they switched sides after intermission and I got back from the bathroom and I am routing for the wrong team. I miss the blue and gold jersey's and I'm not even a died hard fan. It was easier to tell the teams apart. We ended up being in a section where there were a lot of Ranger fans. That part was pretty weird.

Food was good. I still think baseball games are better, but maybe that is just the weather. I found most people to be decent. There was a great deal of drinking and some rudeness. One lady in the bathroom was telling me as we waited in a line that wound around the hallway that football games are worse and you hate to bring your kids because people get violent besides rude.

Well in summation I had a good time. Hockey is fun. Game was good. We won - that was great! Good eats. Fun company with friends. The walk home was good exercise. Spot stop for an ooie gooie treat was worth the warmth. One thing that struck me was a desire to run into a high school friend, Scott. He played hockey and we shared like three of four classes and an easy way of communication. I wanted to ask someone about the plays and the strategy and the rules. None of my girlfriends were very helpful. So I found myself thinking, why did I never go to one of his hockey games? Suddenly I missed, Scott.

My horoscope told me to do something I had never done before and I did. It was a good change. It got me thinking about interesting things. Where ever you are Scott you are remembered. YEAH - we won! Not sure when I will go to my next hockey game, but it is definitely on the cool events things to do in buffalo. Time for a hot shower to melt away the rainy night and get my body temp back to normal and my asthma under control - a little weezie tonight.

Rosemary how is it that life got so busy I missed your passing. Here I am a month later, missing you, crying for you, crying for me. Did you really know what an amazing woman you were? Did you know I miss hearing from you? Did you know I missed saying goodbye? I am so sorry that my last hug wasn't more of a potent memory. And thank you for making me a special person on a special night. Thank you for believing me. I am going to miss the sound of your voice... and your way of saying things... and seeing you at the back of a room smiling at me...

Crying really affects ones ability to proceed, even when you are journaling.

Death always hurts
a little deeper,
an extended ache
reaching past the physical
into this deepest
most private
part of our emotions
when it is someone
you love!
© Di M Rivera @ 11:15am 2005 Monday 10-17

I am going to miss you.
I am going to miss your smile.
I am going to miss your voice.
I am going to miss your personality.
I am going to miss your thoughts.
I am going to miss your creativity.
I am going to miss your concern.
I am going to miss your questions.
I am going to miss your cooking.
I am going to miss your home.
I am going to miss your messages.
I am going to miss your poetry.
But all of these you left
As memories shared with you
that as long as I remember you
You will always be there
Where ever I am
in my mind, in my heart and in my soul.
© Di M Rivera @ 11:30am 2005 Monday 10-17

You are gone
Traveling to the unknown
Having an adventure
Reaching to your limits
Surpassing knowledge
And experiencing for yourself
What it means to have an afterlife.

So why does Death humble us so?
Why do we ache for what we should celebrate?
Why do we wish for your presence here?
Why are we so selfish, can't I let you go?
You went before me, you had the courage to let go.
How do I?

Everyday this earth is a different place.
Elmwood will be bleaker this winter,
just because I won't run into you.
Your little person made the difference
in every life, person and friend
you had the pleasure of getting to know.
You enjoyed our lives, shared our pain,
Felt our sorrow, excited by our joy,
Experienced our happiness, worried with us,
And were elated by our victories.
You were a blessing.
I am blest for having had the honor
Of being one you called friend,
Of having your respect and
Your unwavering faith in my abilities.

Journey on, my friend.
I'll see you on the other side!
© Di M Rivera @11:45 am 2005 Monday 10-17

You never know where life will lead you. It was your normal every average work a day in the neighborhood sort of morning with 12 people wanting something from you in an unrealistic time frame and me with the it will get done WHEN it gets done perspective.

I even let go of one of my own deadlines and decided to just go with the flow. Fluid-day. Classes came and went. Cool moments, fun moments, not so fun moments, lots of emotional floaty moments... Lunch finally arrives... Today was a hungry day and me with my roman noodles as a back up for being too lazy last night to make a lunch... onto greener pastures and gineapigs. Bus Duty. Papers to correct and dead tired. Home. Dinner. Feet hurt... slowing down... need to go see dad at the skilled nursing facility... oh god - i am not going to make it... We get there it is a full house! Visit, laugh, bitch, moan, tell stories, share ideas, plan evil ways to torture offensive people, all in all - make each other laugh and know we are not alone in the good fight. Home. Too awake to settle in for TV watching. Too awake for surfing the net. Needed to sum up - in little less than half and hour Princess Buttercup will marry... oops wrong class!

I am thankful for blessed people who share their blessings with us in mysterious ways!

Fighting Temptations Soundtrack has a song that I play over in my mind when I have had an especially trying day... I feel blest!

It was a good day, time to crochet - got to get to making the x-mas presents, they do take time!

There is something inside me that is struggling. It feels very broken, just now. It seems that on every front that there is a battle going on. Frankly I am tired of fighting. I've been in this tired of fighting stage for 15 years. Saturn, Let me go! PLEASE!
My dad is in the hospital again. Surgery went well. He still has his toe! This is good and he is at a health care facility that sent me back to my teenager hood when my great grandmother was in a nursing home. These people moved like molasses yesterday. The attitude that they are old, so they can wait. SHIT! I hope they reach 70-80-90 they receive that very same attitude. HOW RUDE!
My neighbors or the tenants that live in the same house as me really need to have a wake up call. They are rude. The doors to the house are always open, front and back door! There are always people coming and going. The apartment they live in should not have a constant 10 people living in the apartment. They have company between 1 AM and 6 AM. Their company always knocks on the window, the door and rings my doorbell trying to get to their friends. I really am at my wits end with the whole issue.
Work. I do not care where you work. People are always going to be people. Why do co-workers need to approach each other with such disregard for respect and professionalism? I don't know about you, but when someone comes at me full force attitude waving like a battle battalion over their head - I am going to take the defensive because I feel like I am being attacked. Instead why can't they just walk up to you and say; I was thinking could I have a moment of your time to discuss an important matter to me... You might be interested in.... Did you know that... Would it be possible... - and the list can go on and on and on... The point being that if they want to ACTUALLY get the cooperation they seek they need to approach each other with a modicum of respect and treat each other like equals.
Due to my home situation I have been spending a great deal of time at my parents, one to help my mother with the care-taking of my terminal ill father. The other to stay away from the house until the landlord does something. This seriously limits my ability to be independent and have my own downtime and do things at my own pace, and yet is strangely comforting about being able to be with my parents. Yet I am happy that it will be temporary.
My father does worry me, though. When he is in high spirits he will fight the world and be a survivor. Yet, he can a deep level of depression, that is hard to help him out of, or even be supportive, because mom and I are not going through what he is. And as I have posted before I can't handle losing a parent right now!
Change is a funny thing, for the most part I can go with the flow and be flexible. Sometimes it's a wicked mistress that tempts you to go past your comfort zone and allows you to become someone else usually smaller than you are and you are not sure how to balance this experience.

After my first full week of work I came home and slept for several hours. Life has really been interesting as of late on many levels. I have decided I am a workaholic. So when I come home and just become one with the couch I begin to realize that I need to balance my time.

Trying to get the energy to get up a move is really difficult and I have one really special friend counting on me to get up and move. I have somewhere to be in less than and hour. I need to finish organizing some stuff and then I need to get dressed and go and I was hoping journalling would get me to move.

I really love rain. Most of the time I enjoy sitting and watching the rain and just connecting with the universe. Usually peaceful and cleansing moments evole to journal writing and meditation. Basically quiet time and I have a hard time giving up moments like that when the real work a day reality severs my moment and causes me to have to be social or keep an appointment.

How do you know when you schedule something that your not going to want to do it when the time comes. Actually I just want to be in my quiet space. I think that has to do with the vary fact I work with kids all week and I NEED my quiet time. It is very valuable to me. The rain doesn't help.

Ok. There is someone counting on me to do something so I need to go do it. I really need to post more often.

YOU will get it!
Last summer before I went camping I said to the universe with the utmost confidence, with the I-Know-What-I-Want-Request. I simply stated to the universe I want to get laid.
The Universe in it's ultimate wisdom and incorrigible humor answered me in ways I never expected.
After 3 weeks of being in Nature with other Nature "lovers" I had the great honor of being asked by 12 different couples to join them in there love making ventures as the guest star to their sexual partnered family. Now this group of couples was quite diverse and I doubt highly that they knew the others or they had had something of a common interest. I spent 3 days deliberating over the requests and made a very real enlightened moment.
I had realized that I had very distinct wants and needs met that had very little to do with getting laid, but more to do with cosmic connections, loving relationships, genuine friendships and a need to better understand myself in terms of what attracted me sexually and what made me step out of myself and ask another human being to be in a very private part of my existence.
Last year I wrote fifteen pages front and back of very specific things I desired in a lover/mate/relationship. I left it alone like all good writing, so that I could get some space from it, to gain a little perspective.
This year I went camping and I was very specific with my requests. See I lost my male best friend and I so need a male perspective to balance me and the other was to get reacquainted with a specific person I enjoyed his company greatly. The results were interesting. The week before I left I had a friend who wanted to introduce me to someone she felt I would get along with on many levels, but she lost his information. After a lengthy discussion of future events I told her where I was camping and she sent me on a mission to make contact with this friend. We did get along. We shall see. I ran into the now ex-girlfriend of the specific person I was interested in getting reacquainted with and discovered that this year had been difficult on him and he was unable to come camping. We have exchanged email information in order to keep in touch. Yet I met wonderful people that have the great potential to become life long friends... I got more specific and the universe became more vague and lets us make more choices in the directions we think we would like to experience life from. Every step, our own choice... Empowering - Scary - and cosmically cool!
So the moral of my story IS: Be Careful What You Wish for - You Will Get It! Be as specific as you need to be, but remember the results are in direct connection with how much effort you put into your request.