When I was a little girl, I was told I could do anything I wanted to do; only my imagination was the only thing to keep me from making those dreams come true.
Now I am an adult, for all intents and purposes, with an education and no career. I ask myself pretty regularly what I missed in my education as to why I am not fiscally successful. Am I too honest for my own good? If I with hold information on my employment applications, I could loose my employment via not telling the whole truth. Yet if I tell the whole truth I can go to 50+ interviews and politely be smiled at and thanked for my time, but we are sorry to inform you that you are over qualified for the position available at this time. What am I doing wrong?
My family keeps telling me everything is political. It is about who you know? Not what you know? Then what is stopping my previous drug dealing ideal minded students from actually doing whatever it is they think is right? So if I believe this then right and wrong is dependant on lineage and not ethics.
My friends keep telling me that the system is skewed... I put too much of myself in my work. That my best for someone else does not serve my best interest in obtaining and maintaining gainful employment worthy of my education.
It is true I have some choices, but I keep asking why is it more difficult for some and less difficult for others. Astrologically speaking I would think I was born at the wrong time or place. Philosophically I might think that it is paying off a previous karmic debt, or maybe balancing the universal energies our society deems unimportant, natural law.

• SIGH* I am still faced with the welfare line... I do not care how optimistic one is if you have been in this line at least once you have an understanding of human depravity and hopelessness! Then on the other hand I could go back to school, something I know and do well at. Which could feed the possibility of a new career with just a few missing pieces of my education and be in line for a teaching career...

I do love the subject I'd want to share with future students. Some evil bastard once told me those that can't make it in their chosen field teaches. So somewhere in my mind I feel I am selling out. Being a starving artist is a place I have been before, as noble as it is, it too is an urban myth-nomer. If the IRS can tax the chosen profession I want to have then, it is a full time career. Unfortunately I am missing many things in my education because I do not know how to be what I want to be when I grow up!?
I suppose it does not really matter what I choose because life will continue on, the sun will rise and shine (or hide behind rain clouds), but it will be there nonetheless... And this too shall pass. I guess it is the journey that matters the most, but would a little financial success hurt the Grande schema?

I am so tired of working for people who use me and my work ethic to the betterment of themselves. I obviously have missed out on how to be greedy or something that I seem to not know what it is. One of my bosses very confidently told me that I know everything I need to be successful. Except when I asked my boss, then how come I am not? It isn't for a lack of trying. My boss said do not worry I know what it is you know and you will be successful. OK. Besides that this boss used me mercilessly for their own needs at cheap labor almost free labor, I still think this WILL BE is not helping me in the PRESENT, where I currently live.
Success is a state of mind. I am successful and talented in many ways. I just seem to have some difficulty with employment. Is it a fear? What is the fear? What social conditioning did I buy into that keeps holding me back? Do I sabotage myself? What is so daunting about getting a new job? What is so frightening about a new career?

Maybe it is just CHANGE. Spare change. Hmmm.changes. Why do we call extra coinage, spare change? Why are most human beings af
ra
id of change? The unknown. Wouldn't that be preferable to what we do know?

Pretty girls (socially acceptable pretty girls) are very insecure people. Plain girls (The rest of the known population which comes to about 90%) are not, because we do not rely on our looks to attract other human beings to us in our lives. This was an unusual discovery for me, because when you have all the pretty girls coming to you asking you for advise and suggestions, because of your personality and tendency not to judge them on their looks. You have to say to yourself - self, what does this mean?
Being the kind of person I am, I begin by asking myself if I was insecure and about what? After getting the answers, I started thinking about BEAUTY... what a concept. If it is truly in the eye of the beholder (which it really is) then why is there only one standard of beauty for all women. Some of us through genetics are automatically shoved out of the running on logistics: Height, weight, size, hair color, eye color, breast size, shoe size, bone structure... (I just had a very sick thought: if women were socially conditioned like men to think there genital size mattered - we'd be screwed there too! Because like men we come in all different shapes and sizes) Just like our genitals our bodies are all different. We all bleed red. We all feel the hurt of not fitting in, or being accepted by our peers, or do not like being judged by the body covering the spirit that dwells inside.
The socially acceptable beautiful women are not always very happy. Generalization though it maybe I had many come up to me to talk to me about their problems... when we got right down to it, they did not love themselves. This is an awfully high price to be socially acceptably beautiful. I rather like being plain, gives me more time to focus on being real... instead of creating an illusion to live up to which you know will fade with time and age!

• Sigh* I have become addicted to this television show called MONK the neurotic, defective detective... anywho, I have been trying to tape the damn thing and usually it is on twice in a row an hour apart from the Premiere episode and thanks to the Olympics it is not on this friday night... I then get stuck on this crazy schedule for tomorrow because I am going out of town and have a shit load of things to get done... I just love my family.

• SIGH* Now that I am done ranting and raving... I couple of friends have introduced me to this absolutely fabulous website! I have enjoyed reading many of the entries and have had a good many laughs and it seemed an evil secret not to join in on the fun.

What is on my mind? Way to much to type, being that I speak faster, way faster than I type! So I will take it from the top and see when my fingers are tired or the stress of my trip sets in... VACATION....hmmmm, an oasis, a dreamy state of mind, begging me to come... this little voice has been whispering deep inside my mind that I must consider going camping. For a city girl I have learned to enjoy getting away from the concrete jungle and appreciating nature at it's finest without phones, computers, cells, doorbells (actually I don't have a doorbell, more later on that subject) - Just getting away from the stress of my daily life, family, work, projects, people, friends... all the things I will enjoy and love returning to after I have reacquainted myself with myself.

Hello, I am a workaholic! Is there a support group for people like me? My mind never shuts off, it is amazing that I ever sleep (well, that is up for grabs, for those that do know me... know that I am a Night Owl and an Early Morning person, you know that silence before the deafening din of all the work-a-day world wakes and after the party people have settled in for a nice piece of something on the side.

Thank you for just being there, shit, I feel like Dougie Houser checking in with my sanity! Maybe this will get me back in the journaling groove! Thanks guys! Keep it Simple! One thing at a time!

Oh and my all time favorite: "The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over again, expecting different results!"