Grandma - she replaced my mother when (e:jason) and I were 9 months old. (It's a long story). She's frustrated me to no end over the course of my life, but I'd lay down and die for her if it came down to it. I owe my life to this crazy lady. As long as I've lived, I've dreaded bringing girlfriends home to meet her, since there is absolutely no mouth filter on her. It is her honesty and unconditional love that I value most, and it is hard enough that my grandpa is gone - her husband - when she's gone I'll be lost. Until then my goal is to bring her the most joy possible.

The Ho sisters - you aren't going to find two realer girls than the Ho sisters. I can't think of many other girls I'd bother to be myself around. The first time I met Jessica and Sarah together was at Sarah's house party on Delaware a few years back, and I remember conversating drunkenly with the Ho sisters outside of Sarah's apartment - at some point it struck me that I was talking to two ladies that weren't bullshitters, and wouldn't accept bullshit either. I was basically in love at that point. Do you know how hard it is to find a girl that will tell you the truth? Maybe I'm wrong and am totally misplacing trust, but if I looked either one stone cold in the eye and said "please, please, please, I want to tell you this but I'm desperate for you to keep this a secret" - that it would remain a secret.

Janine - my former neighbor who is an incredible, incredible girl. I miss the times where we drank wine on Fridays when work was done. The single down to earth girl I've ever met from Long Island. She's in Brooklyn now and I miss her. She's beautiful, intelligent, independent - I'm lucky to be her friend. This is another girl I'd pretty much defend to the end.

Timika - I can't think of another female who has extended herself more to (e:jason) and I. I don't think there is a more generous person with her time and resources than Timika has been to my brother and I. I've missed Timiika's offbeat sense of humor - she understand me and I understand her. I'm a hard guy to understand and over the years I think Timika has gotten the closest. You won't find a more substantial diamond core perfect heart than what is beating within Timika's chest. Damn I love this girl! I owe you for more than what you've given to me. Thank you for being a good friend - Rory is an amazing and cool guy and I wish that you were both a little closer, because you both have depth of character that is hard to find.

So there it is, Mr. Stone Emotion letting certain ladies know where they stand. Thank you all for being generous to a quiet guy like me!

The gilded age remains?



Diamond encrusted (including a 6.6 carot diamond for the home button), cased in a few different types of gold.



It isn't tacky looking, considering how easy it is to make accessories look tacky by adding a trillion diamonds to the item. Still though, who in their right mind would regularly carry and use a $2.5m iPhone?

Today I found out that my ex-girlfriend got married, which is something that shouldn't bother me in the least, but for some reason I still feel sad about it. This is the girl that I've documented in the past in my journal, the one who pretty much ripped my heart out, cheated on me, etc. - really there should be no love lost but the news reminds me of how much of a colossal failure I really have been with ladies. Back then I was just "too nice" if that makes any sense. I let her walk all over me to an extent. Why I'm sharing one of the things I'm most ashamed of with you, I don't know, but I suppose this whole thing is an illustration of how mad at myself I am for letting someone get that far into me. This girl twisted me in knots! I'd rather jump out of a window than go through that again, but living is kind of sweet too, so what is a boy to do? This is the last girl I called my girlfriend and it's been about five years since I did anything other than "casual relations" so I suppose I've adjusted by just not letting anyone in at all.

If I'm being 100% stone cold honest with myself, despite all the stuff she put me through, I'd still be her friend and give her an ear if she needed it. I wish it weren't true and I hate myself for even having this sentiment, gotta tell you. The person singly responsible for the most pain I've ever dealt with, and I don't have it in me to hate her or never speak to her again. What the hell? I know that if I were listening to myself talk from the outside, I'd be saying "YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE FOR FEELING THAT WAY JOSH!" The guy she left me for was a real piece of work - locked her out of the house in the middle of winter, "allegedly" used his hands on her, etc. My spiteful side says that she deserves what she has - if that is what she wants then that is what she'll get. But I'm not living my life with spite - life is short and spite is poisonous.

In the end I think the reason why this news took me aback was because the whole episode reminds me of how for the first time in my life my judgment failed me, how I failed myself, that sometimes being wrong has deep personal consequences that aren't easily dealt with. At least I stopped asking myself silly introspective questions a few years ago. I accept part of the blame for the predicament I was in - I know both Ho sisters, had they been there, might have told me I was a pussy - and the bright side is that I learned what I don't want in a girl!

Some of my favorite pictures from the past year -

Walking home drunk from Fahrety's the evening of Taste of Buffalo... that Saturday is was 95 degrees outside.

My brother and my friend Andy, I can't explain what the object of attention was here.



Me, surveying my friend Walt and his gelato at Taste of Buffalo.



Me, and my extraordinarily good looking friends Andy and Jerry, followed by my kinfolk (e:jason), who is a fine mamma jamma in his own right.



Me and one of the statues on Elmwood... I was tanked.



My friend Andrea with the same statue...

Today's Events

I think thus far today has been a success. Depending, of course, if you define success by running into (e:lee), Rory and (e:ladycroft)! They caught me looking rough and doing my normal day off routine, which is to stumble over to Spot not too long after I've gotten up and grab a coffee. It was a pleasant surprise indeed.

The part about (e:strip) which I think may be unusual for people being introduced to the site is the concept that even mundane things in your life end up being documented, and thus you find yourself being spoken of in reference or in passing. Or someone reminds you of something you wrote in a journal, thus waking you up to the realization that there are some people that remember aspects of your life that you do not. That can be a bit of an uncomfortable thing, but for me I don't particularly care - there is very little that I wouldn't say in person that I wouldn't share here. Just an observation that crossed my mind during the party. By the way, it was incredible to see so many people from out of town, including those I haven't seen in a few years! There was one in particular that I didn't recognize at first thanks to the stuff in my system at the time, and when someone said her full name I felt so embarrassed. She's an incredibly cool girl that I met at one of the first (e:strip) parties I attended, and had I put two and two together I would have had a thousand questions about San Diego for her. I'm sorry (e:iriesara)! It was nice to see you and to meet your manfriend.

What Is New In Josh's Life

Books, mainly. I'm still working through the stuff I'm reading (mainly Cormac McCarthy and Kerouac). I think I have a problem with buying books - the list of books I want to buy and read is so long that I think I'm making my reading list for the next two years. Anyway, I most recently purchased Kerouac's Old Angel Midnight, which is a collection of unique prose poetry written in small notebooks during 1956-1959. (I'm finishing collecting all of the Kerouac books I want to read). What makes this collection unique, and maybe a little puzzling, is that there is no narrative in the prose, no general sense of movement - it is a huge prose poem that reflects the words flowing through the author's head as he hears the noises coming in off of the street through his window. The result is mystifying and strangely beautiful, if not a little crazy sounding when you read it out loud.