So this week I finally went from the ranks of the nearly-employed to the ranks of the telecommuting. That is, I still sit around the house in my underwear, only now I get paid for it. [cha-chingg!]

I thought once I'd gotten into a routine where I had to wake up early and do stuff all day, that I'd be less likely to start going all buggy. Not so! Whenever I got bored with something I could go putter somewhere else. But now I sit in my living room all day staring at Flash Player. I think this kind of shit is hilarious. My only social interaction spends 23 hours a day sleeping and one hour a day climbing the curtains. I haven't left the house since Tuesday nad it's really freeking me out.

- Z

After a comprehensive nationwide study of nearly 50,000 postmenopausal women, lasting eight years and costing over $400M, the National Institutes of Health determined that it doesn't fucking matter what you eat, and promptly buried the results. Particpants cut back their fat calories from 37% to 29%, increased fruit, vegetable, and grain intake by 25%, and cut back an average of 360 calories per day for eight full years, and were closely monitored to ensure that they remained on the diet. Results? Weight loss in the healthy eaters was only about 1.5lb, and furthermore did not reduce their risk of cardiovascular disease, breast cancer, or colorectal cancer. And so I present to you:

THE (e:zobar) MIRACLE DIET!

When you are not hungry, do not eat. When you become hungry, think about what you want to eat, and then eat it. When you are full, stop eating and go on with the rest of your life. That's it!

The (e:zobar) Miracle Diet has the best food of any diet plan out there, because it's exactly what you want! You will never mindlessly stuff your face with Low-Fat Kardboard Krisps just to stave off hunger between unappetizing and inadequate frozen meals or Nutrient Shakes! You'll have all kinds of free time, since you won't have to spend it calculating calories or counting cards! You'll feel like a person in charge of his life, and not like a pathetic fatso with no willpower! And when compared with the best long-term diet that the NIH has ever devised, it's only about 1.5lb less effective.

People say that's easy for you to say, Mr. BMI 17. Maybe you don't realize this, but my weight has caused me problems for my whole life. People who are not dieticians regularly use social gatherings as opportunities to tell me I need to go on a diet. People judge me by the food I eat. People will tell my close relations that my weight is a reflection of their poor character. That's fucking bullshit! i say. I am a healthy individual, I can eat what I want, and I do. Food is a wonderful thing, and you should enjoy it.

- Z

I think passport photos are specifically designed to make everyone look like terrorists, in order to keep the customs agents on their toes. I've been practicing my passport photos in the mirror.



Personally, I think Pixel Dave over here in the right margin is more accurate than anything you'd ever get out of a disinterested minimum-wage photo clerk at Walgreen's, but sadly I think Condoleezza Rice would beg to differ.

And for those of you who are wondering about my real life, I have managed to land a freelance gig for the next month or so with a company that would like to hire me full-time when it becomes feasible. For fellow job-seekers: when buttering up potential future employers, ad-hoc beer requisition is key to your success.

- Z

So my mom gave (e:dragonlady7) some tickets to Lord of the Dance for Christmas. She thinks it's because mom secretly hates her. I thought it was a nice thing to do, because B's into celtic crap, and these are really good tickets. Either way it's not really our scene, man. The tickets say no exchanges! What the hell is that?

So we're selling them, and if we can recoup I'd like to use the money to get tickets for B.B. King next Saturday instead. If you want to go, send me or (e:dragonlady7) a message off-list ... and we promise not to publicize your secret unholy love for Michael Flatley.


Buy my tickets...

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Edited to add:
Rice milk, oddly enough, tastes like rice. And coffee that tastes like rice is a little disconcerting, in that it should taste much worse than it does.

- Z

(e:dragonlady7) says she thinks time should be a boolean. Either it's time, or it's not time. When people ask what time it is, nobody cares what the numbers are; they only want to know if it's time or not.

I quit my job today. I don't have any plans - but when it's time, there's no sense arguing.

- Z