...'cause you can't afford the ticket.

This shit is messed up, yo! I went to Wegs to pick up some stuff for my poor sick honey ...Sudafed? Used to be like $15 for a tiny box, wicked medicine-head but it works real well? I guess if you take like an enormous pile of it and mix it up with some cat piss you get crystal meth. And in this post-9/11 world we just can't afford to have people eating Sudafed with a cat-piss chaser.

I went to Wegmans and saw this stuff called Sudafed PE. It has the same name and it costs just as much except it doesn't do anything. [I've tried.] I did not see the good stuff. Then I saw this rack of little cards that you're supposed to bring up to the counter, like at a video store. Sure I'll play along.

'Can I help who's next?'

Went up to the counter. Kid was still clicking around in his computer-box. 'Yeah I'd like to buy a box of crystal meth.'

'Sure, I'll be right ... wait, what did you say?' The girl next to him was giggling. I gave him the tag. 'The generic stuff OK?'

'No, he wants the name-brand meth. Ninety-seven octane.' Pharmacist humor, I guess.

'Lemme get the book.' There's a book! You give the little shit your driver's license and write down your name in a book! What the fuck is that?! Now my name is in a secret government database of extremely small meth labs and people with stuffy noses. The kid rolled his eyes; I'm sure he's heard it all before.

'If you think this is bad,' I said, 'there's a dude over in Albany, and his entire job is to type these into a big stupid database.'

'Whatever. That'll be $2.25.' $2.25! I think the loss of privacy is worth the $12.75 a box, don't you?

---

I don't really know who started this rumor going around work now that I'm quitting. It would be unprofessional to get into it but it certainly does seem that my chances of remaining employed through next week have taken a sudden, unexpected, and precipitous nosedive over the past few days. Anybody hiring? Will work for food.

- Z

You ever notice how cemeteries never seem to fill up? People die all the damn time, but there's always huge amounts of empty space in cemeteries. So I asked.

From: (e:zobar)
Sent: Thursday, February 21, 2008 11:22 AM
To: flc@forest-lawn.com
Subject: Where does everybody go?

I think this is weird: people are dying all the time, but cemeteries never seem to get any fuller. Forest Lawn has been around for over 150 years, but there's still some pretty large sections that are totally empty. I know these are kind of weird questions, but: Where do you put everybody? About how long do you estimate before Forest Lawn is full? And then what?

curiously,
- Z

From: Betty Boyd
Date: Thu, Feb 21, 2008 at 12:59 PM
Subject: FW: Where does everybody go?
To: (e:zobar)

Thank you very much for your interest in our Forest Lawn cemetery.

Currently we have 155,069 permanent residents buried here at Forest Lawn. We estimate to have burial space for at least 50 years or more.

Each of our full size graves allow for one casket burial and one cremated body burial, or two cremated body burials.

We also have available above ground burial space in our mausoleums. (this also conserves land space).

Forest Lawn was the first cemetery in our area to build a community mausoleum, and we are very proud of that. Our newest mausoleum is Serenity. We have crypts for caskets and niches for cremated bodies available.

We are always looking out for our future needs.

When anything is sold here, burial space, grave stone markers, benches, urns, crypts niches and the, a portion of the purchase price includes monies that have to be transferred to our permanent maintenance fund. We are regulated by the NYS division of cemeteries, and we must make this transfer. This will allow for the long term maintenance of the grounds and our facilities.

When we have no room left for burial space, we will then be somewhat like a museum. Folks will always have this beautiful park like place called Forest Lawn to visit, share memories, enjoy the nature, the art pieces and monuments left as legacy to be remembered by.

If you have any other questions, contact me anytime.

Have a good day.

Betty Boyd
Your Representative
Forest Lawn Cemeteries
1411 Delaware Avenue
Buffalo, NY 14209
716-885-1600

On the one hand, it's a little weird that they refer to their customers as 'permanent residents,' but on the other hand I kind of dig it. So if they average about 1,000 new permanent residents every year, the total capacity for their 269 acres is around 200,000. That means they average about 60 sq ft per person, which is a lot more than I was expecting. [Much of that is landscaping and roads, but still.] So Forest Lawn is filling up at the rate of 160 sq ft per day, which is 10'x16' - kind of a lot, but not really noticeable when there's 60 acres to spare.

My name is Dave, and I am a weirdo who emails people to ask them stupid questions about their jobs.

- Z

Old business:

(e:zobar,42527) Taylor pork rolls are available at Wegman's/Niagara Falls Blvd for $6.19/lb. In New Jersey you could buy four slices at a time if you wanted to [which is just about all I could eat, like, in my entire life] but up here this is the only size you can get. They look pretty gross but thin-sliced and pan-fried they're actually pretty decent.


(e:zobar,42927) 'Unintelligible' = Antony and the Johnsons. What the fuck is this?

New Business:

I've got a yeasty ecosystem on top of my fridge and it's freaking me out! Somebody at work gave me Herman - she didn't want to throw him out because he's sort of alive. I've heard he makes good coffeecake and waffles. But by Sunday I'll have some offspring that I also don't want to throw out - anybody want some?

- Z

Thursday night we were invited over to a coworker's house for a cocktail party and had a wonderful time. Sitting on the table among all their decadent homemade desserts was a bowl of Russian chocolates, sticking out like Roger Moore at a Sean Connery convention. Forget the chocolate-raspberry torte, I'm going straight for the 'Krasnyj Oktyabr.' Perhaps some day I should learn Russian, as that would have raised a bright red flag. Rule for living: confectioners should not be named after Communist revolutions, and Red October is no exception. The only word on any of the wrappers I could puzzle out was 'Konfety,' but I guess it actually means 'candy.' Go figure. Here's their full catalog, if you're interested .

Alenka

OK, he didn't have any of these but I really dig the illustration. You get an idea of the challenges here: there's no possible way of knowing what's inside based solely on the wrapper. 'Alenka,' by the way, is a character in an obscure Cossack myth which translates best as 'hell-baby.' Beats me why you'd name a candy after that.


Zolotoe sufle apelsinovoe
'The Golden Orange Souffle'

This was an unusually informative wrapper, as was the one with a big pineapple on it. Considering that the places where you find oranges and pineapples growing are pretty much the opposite of Moscow, even I didn't have enough faith in the Russian science program to reproduce their flavor. Next!

Rakobye shejki

Thank you, Google Language Tools - you bring me more joy than you could ever possibly imagine.

Korovka
'Little Cow'

We all agreed this one was definitely not chocolate. Somebody said, 'maybe it's like a Bit-O-Honey.' Sure, or maybe it's like granulated Bit-O-Honey with a strong margarine aftertaste. Funny, I never felt that was missing from the original.

Krasnaya shapochka
'Red Cap'

You know how a little while ago they started making biodegradable packing peanuts out of soy? They don't really taste like much, and it turns out that melting a Swiss Cake Roll over them doesn't really improve the situation.

Bolshebnaya flejta
'Magic Flute'

This was the only one I couldn't finish. I'll cut the suspense: it is chocolate filled with sweetened wet sand. I said as much, and although I couldn't see this being in any way compelling, (e:dragonlady7) wanted a bite. I don't know if she didn't believe me or what. Then the host came by and asked what it tasted like. 'Wet sand,' we said. He took another piece from the bowl, bit into it and exclaimed, 'that's astonishing!' [but not in a good way]. He theorized that in the depths of a very long, very dark St Petersburg winter, perhaps this might remind you of that vacation you took on the Crimean, when you got sand in your teeth. Maybe that's a pleasant memory for you, and maybe this candy is all you need to take you back to that special time. I sure hope so, because otherwise this is some really ill shit.

- Z

Out at the bar last night, Extreme Cagefighting came on the TV. I'd never really watched it before. A couple dudes in a cage throw a couple punches, then they start rolling around on the ground together. The bartender came up, looked at the TV for a minute and said huh, looks like prison sex. Then he changed the channel.



Chita Rivera is a lover and a fighter. She does this thing every morning when I get out of the shower, where she'll be sitting on my towel all cute-like, and when I go to pet her belly she kicks my naked wet ass. She'll pull my hand in with her front claws and bite my fingers, all the while kicking my forearm with her back claws. This is not cool. So I'm really proud that I managed to come up with a kitty submission hold where she can't scratch me long enough that I can get my towel. If I put my hand across her chest right under her front legs, she can't reach me with her front legs, it's too high up for her back legs, and too close to her chin to bite. [nb: This also makes her really mad.]

- Z