My aunt called me up yesterday, as she is wont to do when she has computer problems. I told her that I was working [it was about 4:45] but I'd be over once I was done. She told me she was impressed with my self-control, and that she'd sort of figured that working at home meant I could take it easy. Meanwhile I'm thinking yeah ... I could probably be billing 50 hours a week, if I were interested in working 50 hours a week. Which explains the dearth of (e:strip)ness.

Anyway, a screenshot from my client's current website, for your amusement.



Secretly I hope beyond hope that there's a guy in Member Services who is maybe just a little bit Willy Wonka and who maybe refers to their customers as Memblers on those days when he's mixed a scoop of regular in with the decaf ...

- Z

So my passport is in the mail and I'm headed to London for a lesbian shotgun wedding. We're basically flush right now but I'm finding that London is a bit cha-chingg.

Flights from Toronto are $400 round trip, which I think is crazy cheap. I am a man of great legs, so I had a peek at first-class: holy crappo! Yeah, we're flying coach.

But now there's this whole lodging thing. We're going to be there about a week, and hotels are either $300 a night, or way out in a bog or something. (e:dragonlady7) suggested staying at a hostel, which is really not that bad, they don't usually steal your stuff and she only knows one person who was sexually assaulted at one, but it's ok because it was by someone she knew. And I'm like: ehmmm. B&Bs start around $100 a night, which we could swing ... but how do you find a good one?

Anyone been to London? You know where's a good place to stay?

- Z

How come whenever I go grocery shopping it always becomes an adventure?

Thing one. OK, so at Wegmans you can buy fresh herbs either in a little tiny tray that is exactly what you need, or a humongo bundle that you could never possibly eat all of. But here's the thing: they cost the same. I am a person who would buy the small tray just so I don't have a half pound of ancient parsley going gelatinous in the bottom of my veggie drawer. But this is really foolish.

$1.29:


$1.29:


Thing two. Maybe in New Jersey, Zubaz are coming back. (e:hodown,43480) But in Buffalo they never left.


Thing three. That is a box of Indiana Jones Cheez-Its in my cart.

Thing four. Speaking of Harrison Ford:


- Z

So this week I finally went from the ranks of the nearly-employed to the ranks of the telecommuting. That is, I still sit around the house in my underwear, only now I get paid for it. [cha-chingg!]

I thought once I'd gotten into a routine where I had to wake up early and do stuff all day, that I'd be less likely to start going all buggy. Not so! Whenever I got bored with something I could go putter somewhere else. But now I sit in my living room all day staring at Flash Player. I think this kind of shit is hilarious. My only social interaction spends 23 hours a day sleeping and one hour a day climbing the curtains. I haven't left the house since Tuesday nad it's really freeking me out.

- Z

After a comprehensive nationwide study of nearly 50,000 postmenopausal women, lasting eight years and costing over $400M, the National Institutes of Health determined that it doesn't fucking matter what you eat, and promptly buried the results. Particpants cut back their fat calories from 37% to 29%, increased fruit, vegetable, and grain intake by 25%, and cut back an average of 360 calories per day for eight full years, and were closely monitored to ensure that they remained on the diet. Results? Weight loss in the healthy eaters was only about 1.5lb, and furthermore did not reduce their risk of cardiovascular disease, breast cancer, or colorectal cancer. And so I present to you:

THE (e:zobar) MIRACLE DIET!

When you are not hungry, do not eat. When you become hungry, think about what you want to eat, and then eat it. When you are full, stop eating and go on with the rest of your life. That's it!

The (e:zobar) Miracle Diet has the best food of any diet plan out there, because it's exactly what you want! You will never mindlessly stuff your face with Low-Fat Kardboard Krisps just to stave off hunger between unappetizing and inadequate frozen meals or Nutrient Shakes! You'll have all kinds of free time, since you won't have to spend it calculating calories or counting cards! You'll feel like a person in charge of his life, and not like a pathetic fatso with no willpower! And when compared with the best long-term diet that the NIH has ever devised, it's only about 1.5lb less effective.

People say that's easy for you to say, Mr. BMI 17. Maybe you don't realize this, but my weight has caused me problems for my whole life. People who are not dieticians regularly use social gatherings as opportunities to tell me I need to go on a diet. People judge me by the food I eat. People will tell my close relations that my weight is a reflection of their poor character. That's fucking bullshit! i say. I am a healthy individual, I can eat what I want, and I do. Food is a wonderful thing, and you should enjoy it.

- Z