Thursday night we were invited over to a coworker's house for a cocktail party and had a wonderful time. Sitting on the table among all their decadent homemade desserts was a bowl of Russian chocolates, sticking out like Roger Moore at a Sean Connery convention. Forget the chocolate-raspberry torte, I'm going straight for the 'Krasnyj Oktyabr.' Perhaps some day I should learn Russian, as that would have raised a bright red flag. Rule for living: confectioners should not be named after Communist revolutions, and Red October is no exception. The only word on any of the wrappers I could puzzle out was 'Konfety,' but I guess it actually means 'candy.' Go figure. Here's their full catalog, if you're interested .

Alenka

OK, he didn't have any of these but I really dig the illustration. You get an idea of the challenges here: there's no possible way of knowing what's inside based solely on the wrapper. 'Alenka,' by the way, is a character in an obscure Cossack myth which translates best as 'hell-baby.' Beats me why you'd name a candy after that.


Zolotoe sufle apelsinovoe
'The Golden Orange Souffle'

This was an unusually informative wrapper, as was the one with a big pineapple on it. Considering that the places where you find oranges and pineapples growing are pretty much the opposite of Moscow, even I didn't have enough faith in the Russian science program to reproduce their flavor. Next!

Rakobye shejki

Thank you, Google Language Tools - you bring me more joy than you could ever possibly imagine.

Korovka
'Little Cow'

We all agreed this one was definitely not chocolate. Somebody said, 'maybe it's like a Bit-O-Honey.' Sure, or maybe it's like granulated Bit-O-Honey with a strong margarine aftertaste. Funny, I never felt that was missing from the original.

Krasnaya shapochka
'Red Cap'

You know how a little while ago they started making biodegradable packing peanuts out of soy? They don't really taste like much, and it turns out that melting a Swiss Cake Roll over them doesn't really improve the situation.

Bolshebnaya flejta
'Magic Flute'

This was the only one I couldn't finish. I'll cut the suspense: it is chocolate filled with sweetened wet sand. I said as much, and although I couldn't see this being in any way compelling, (e:dragonlady7) wanted a bite. I don't know if she didn't believe me or what. Then the host came by and asked what it tasted like. 'Wet sand,' we said. He took another piece from the bowl, bit into it and exclaimed, 'that's astonishing!' [but not in a good way]. He theorized that in the depths of a very long, very dark St Petersburg winter, perhaps this might remind you of that vacation you took on the Crimean, when you got sand in your teeth. Maybe that's a pleasant memory for you, and maybe this candy is all you need to take you back to that special time. I sure hope so, because otherwise this is some really ill shit.

- Z

Out at the bar last night, Extreme Cagefighting came on the TV. I'd never really watched it before. A couple dudes in a cage throw a couple punches, then they start rolling around on the ground together. The bartender came up, looked at the TV for a minute and said huh, looks like prison sex. Then he changed the channel.



Chita Rivera is a lover and a fighter. She does this thing every morning when I get out of the shower, where she'll be sitting on my towel all cute-like, and when I go to pet her belly she kicks my naked wet ass. She'll pull my hand in with her front claws and bite my fingers, all the while kicking my forearm with her back claws. This is not cool. So I'm really proud that I managed to come up with a kitty submission hold where she can't scratch me long enough that I can get my towel. If I put my hand across her chest right under her front legs, she can't reach me with her front legs, it's too high up for her back legs, and too close to her chin to bite. [nb: This also makes her really mad.]

- Z

So locally it looks like the Obamists got out earlier with their campaign signs but the Clintonites used their late arrival to their advantage - all up and down Delaware Ave there's a Clinton sign posted three inches directly in front of every Obama sign. Do people really look at these signs and say, you know what? I was going to vote for Obama but I see someone's stuck a Clinton sign in front of it, so maybe she'll be a better leader of the free world. Or, my favorite, there's always the dense cluster outside the polling place, as close as is legally possible, because you'd get out of your snuggy bed, put on your coat and shoes, leave the house, and go to your assigned polling place without having already made your decision.

They're saying that since I'm not registered as a Democrat or Republican that I can't vote in the primary today. Fuck that shit, I say.

Everybody enjoy a good protest? Says something weird about our generation that we're protesting against Tom Cruise harder than we're protesting against the war, but I can't disagree that he's a total asshat. It's close enough to RPCI, you guys should stop by and hang out. If we covered their protest, do you think they'd stop hanging out in our office?

From: buffalo anon <buffaloanon@gmail.com>
Subject: Demonstration against Scientology in Buffalo

I am writing to request that you cover an upcoming demonstration against of the Church of Scientology in Buffalo. The demonstration will be held on February 10th at 11AM at their Main St location in coordination with with similar protests outside of every church of Scientology around the world.

More information regarding this day of protest can be found in recent media coverage in the Guardian and the Economist.





I feel that the protest is especially relevant to Western New York since it is here in 2003 that the Perkins tragedy occurred.



The Church of Scientology is a dangerous cult that destroys lives, tears apart families, and can be harmful to its members mental and physical health. Church members are not allowed to remain in personal contact with anyone who speaks against their church or their founder or who seeks medical care they do not permit, a rule which has destroyed families as people end contact with their parents, children, and siblings in order to remain in the cult.

Again, I ask that you consider covering both the global movement against Scientology as well as the local protest on Sunday.

Regards,
Anonymous

- Z

Run, don't walk to your local record store and buy this album


Attendance at the QCRG game last night was insane. The rink was as packed as it was last time, even with the addition of an entire row of bleachers and a few hundred seats.

Dearest reader, isn't it about time you started a new dangerous hobby?



Yes, it is.

- Z

So I come home from work, and I'm barely in the door, and the phone starts ringing. (e:dragonlady7) picks up, expecting my mom. Nope!

This toolbox over here called me up at like 11:45 France Time to say that he didn't like my little penis joke [which is now accompanied by a disclaimer of liability]. He would like me to let you know that he has an important reputation and several very rich clients. He also uses the word 'American' the way some people use the words 'faggot,' say, or 'nigger.' He's a real classy representative from the Parisian tourist industry, see.

I couldn't get a word in edgewise, or I would have told him that I work for a newspaper with over a quarter million readers, and we're relatively desparate for articles for our Valentine's Day issue. Considering the weird fuckers who read our paper, I bet there's at least one reader who would totally get off on being seduced by this guy here:



Fact is, if I were the kind of guy with EUR16,000 (USD23,000) to burn, there is nothing better to spend it on than getting an enormous wang sky-written over the Eiffel Tower.

- Z