Winter break is a few short weeks away!

Normally during break I like to make up for the complete lack of learning that took place during the semester (as in, I had to take a class that points out that India is in Asia, or that adolescents tend to dislike their adolescent siblings... seriously!). So, I find delicious academic books I have always wanted to read. This summer ended with disaster as I found out why so many people talk about but so few people actually read Foucault.... the man reads like a phone book with no numbers.

But this break I deserve a treat. I have been a good boy. So I will be reading this





I am so excited I can't stand up without embarrassing myself!

Pirates are alright
and Communists are so lovable!

It isn't a zombie novel, but zombie protagonists are so hard to read. What with all the nonsensical moaning and whatnot.

I just thought I would share. Tomorrow I teach my first class of kidos. It will be exciting.

kisses

Bah mother fucking humbug,

I worked in retail for years, from the age of 16 to 24. Christmas in retail land is christmas in America. It begins somewhere in October and doesn't end until February when the last of the winter decor prematurely blossoms into pastel spring nightmare. There is something special, magical, and oh so Jesusy holy about people screaming at you because x isn't in stock.

Once, while working in a book store, someone had ordered a book for their husband. They left instructions that when we should call to let them know their book was in, do not tell them what the book was as to keep it a secret. I am fine with that, I didn't ever leave a title incase it was a gift.

Well, I call and someone picks up. I let them know the book that was ordered came in and the guy asks me what the book was. I let him know that I was left instructions not to say. He says, oh, don't worry about that, we need to know, there was a change of plans. Ok, so I let him know, we wish each other a wondrous holiday and hang up.

Twenty minutes later I get a call from an angry woman informing me that I have ruined christmas.

Should I tell her that her husband lied and demanded to know the title; possibly ruining her holiday? I mean, this was a sneaky guy, who knows how many other wives he was sleeping with and lying about?

Or, should I spare her and tell her it was all my fault?

It is that sort of shit that makes me hate Christmas. And let us be honest. We can call it the holiday season but there isn't a Jew for eighty miles around here. There are more Solstice celebrating pagans than Chanukah celebrating Jews around here. We just say 'Happy Holidays' to seem like we are being polite as a culture.

And the music. Nat King Cole, I am going to dig up your grave and put you through a wood chipper. How do you like that white christmas snow fall?

And Manheim Steamroller? I don't believe in a hell, but I want to so bad just so you are your synthesizer orgy can burn.

There is a bright side to Christmas. It may sound cheesy, but it is family. Oh, I am not talking about warm Hallmark togetherness. No, I am talking about the one time a year my mother drinks. She thinks she can drink her sons and husband under the table. But she forgets that we practice all year long. This tradition began when my drink of choice was the Screaming Nazi, but only for its name. six years later we still spend christmas with a bottle of Jagermeister and Rumbplminze and a sugar high straight out of kindergarten.


Let me conclude with John Cale's dark cover of Heartbreak Hotel. You will be glad you watched it.

Want to check out the first Canadian android?

Want to check out the first Canadian handicapped android with a mysterious hand injury?

Well, then this youtube clip is for you!

Marvel as a creepy man first attempts to hurt his android.

Be amazed as he then cops a feel and gets slapped in the face!

All the while the poor android expresses her torment!



I almost cried when she said "I don't want to do this any more"

She may have been talking about the pain demonstration. But I like to think she was praying to the cyber heavens to release her from this mortal coil.

He makes androids in his basement. This is probably also where he keeps his snuff films.


I can't emphasize this enough kids. Be kind to androids so when they rule the universe they are kind to us.

Well, this was on topic.

With all of these lists going around I feel compelled to join in. But after careful consultation with my legal team we thought it prudent to not. But I don't listen to lawyers. We came up with a compromise. Here it is

guy^X

It was unreal. If you can imagine this number (which is between 1 and seventy million) then you will most certainly have a number in your mind.

Several paternity cases are going on at the moment. Two of which were brought forth by vacuum cleaners. This is impossible though, as I don't think vacuums even have ovaries. Unless of course they just sucked some up, but even still, they don't have warm, wet sacks and a feeding tube.

Well, I am stuck at work wishing I wasn't and listening to NPR. They were just talking about Norman Mailer who died last weekend. They had on the air an 80 something year old woman who was traveling on the train at age 17. On that train she was courted by a dashing Norman Mailer. Well, tonguey snogging quickly got out of hand and turned into vaginal penetration.

Well, they were scant on details. But this is no longer their fantasy alone. She just said they had sex. How awesome is that? Statutory rape story involving Norman Mailer. That is hot.

Ok, it might not be statutory rape. But the story is so much more amusing in that light.

anyway, I wrote a program to tabulate my sexual conquests over the years. It is organizing it in one of two categories 1)slippery and 2)reprehensible. I will post it as soon as it is done, but it is having a hard time quantifying those categories; leaving my sexual past both mysterious and alluring.

I think my computer is getting hard though.

Hi,

Autumn is my favorite season. It is the season that feels most like we are heading somewhere. The weather is still nice and it has a romantic feel to it, two people sharing something in spite of the winter oblivion ahead.

My voice of winter for music is depressing. Half the Tom Waits discography becomes too chipper to listen to. All jazz and classical music leaves my ears and it seems the only blues music I can stand is written by either blind men or those who sold their souls to the devil.

But autumn is different. It is facing that bleak winter but it is still stoic about it. Almost mystical.

Nick Drake was an Autumnal person. I wish I could post a home recording of him doing Hazy Jane from his first album, Brighter Later. His first two albums had lush, medieval arrangements accompanying Drake's expert fingering and foggy whisper voice. His third and final album had no such accompaniment and is a much finer album for it. Here is one of my favorites from it.



John Cale and Nico are enjoyable all year around. But their collaborations during autumn are especially good. I had wanted to post something from The Marble Index or Desertshore, but couldn't find anything with good sound quality. Nico covering My Funny Valentine did the job nicely. She sounds like Marline Dietrich soaked in heroin.



A song from the Marble Index I was able to find is John Cale covering Frozen Warnings. It was for the documentary Icon - Nico which came out in the 90's a decade after her death. I usually don't like piano covers of songs because it is so easy to make them much more melancholy. Tori Amos has made a career of making rock songs depressing with her fabroge voice and piano. But as John Cale wrote with Nico, did the production and arrangements I think he is allowed to. His cover makes Frozen Warnings a very different song but very much in the Autumn frame of mind



There is more I wanted to share, but I am limited to videos on youtube. So, you will just have to be content with what I gave you vultures.