i have decided that im going to move to Arizona. I've really made up my mind this time, and its not changing. it will be the end of an era, and im really excited to start a whole new life out there.
i feel like i have put so much effort into living here, with little gain, if any. im tired of putting out so much to get so little in return. i don't want to have a broken heart anymore. i don't want to feel betrayed by anyone. i will dearly miss the (e:viscos) , and (e:matt) , and (e:terry) of course. other than that, there is nothing here for me. i have a dwindling supply of friendships, and ties to anyone in buffalo, and find myself becoming more and more lost and depressed here each day. i miss my mother, and the good advice that she gives(yet i never take). i miss feeling happy and being out in the sun, and being around family.
get it while you can, because im not going to be around much longer (e:peeps).
p.s. im so sick of working overnights.
Lilho's Journal
My Podcast Link
02/25/2007 17:35 #38278
leaving for goodCategory: moving
02/22/2007 14:14 #38242
im a getting an awardCategory: work
thats right, something to feel good about.
im getting a "lifesaver award" from work for saving a client's life using the heimlich. isn't that swell!
now, if i could only stop coughing and sleeping. my mother has come to the rescuse and is sending anitbiotics stat. im sick of sitting here, but don't really want to venture out and hack up a lung in public, i don't really think that will make me any more popular.
my sister is really sick now too and has missed two days of work. i think it is fair to blame it on me. im really sorry (e:hodown). i think perhaps my new nickname "typhoid mary" might me appropriate.
p.s. i think i have decided to move to az...
im getting a "lifesaver award" from work for saving a client's life using the heimlich. isn't that swell!
now, if i could only stop coughing and sleeping. my mother has come to the rescuse and is sending anitbiotics stat. im sick of sitting here, but don't really want to venture out and hack up a lung in public, i don't really think that will make me any more popular.
my sister is really sick now too and has missed two days of work. i think it is fair to blame it on me. im really sorry (e:hodown). i think perhaps my new nickname "typhoid mary" might me appropriate.
p.s. i think i have decided to move to az...
jenks - 02/23/07 07:00
I know, I know... not trying to be a bitch... i'm sure you'll be ok too, it's just that the vast majority of winter colds etc are viruses and even though you get better with abx- you'd get better just the same without them too, and taking them just contributes to the spread of resistant bacteria etc etc.
Sorry, kind of a personal peeve.
I know, I know... not trying to be a bitch... i'm sure you'll be ok too, it's just that the vast majority of winter colds etc are viruses and even though you get better with abx- you'd get better just the same without them too, and taking them just contributes to the spread of resistant bacteria etc etc.
Sorry, kind of a personal peeve.
lilho - 02/22/07 22:09
well considering that this is the same sickness i get every winter and she is a nurse, i think im gonna be fine.
well considering that this is the same sickness i get every winter and she is a nurse, i think im gonna be fine.
mike - 02/22/07 21:52
congrats you little life saver you!
congrats you little life saver you!
jenks - 02/22/07 21:04
sigh... not to nag- but it's not really a good idea to just take random abx that are not prescribed for you by a doctor that has actually seen you. :(
But I hope you feel better and congrats on the award.
sigh... not to nag- but it's not really a good idea to just take random abx that are not prescribed for you by a doctor that has actually seen you. :(
But I hope you feel better and congrats on the award.
enknot - 02/22/07 17:59
That's great. You should come to NYC!
That's great. You should come to NYC!
theecarey - 02/22/07 16:59
you did an amazing thing helping someone out like that. so, right on-- its a good feeling!
careful though, not sure what it will do for your typhoid mary rep ;)
you did an amazing thing helping someone out like that. so, right on-- its a good feeling!
careful though, not sure what it will do for your typhoid mary rep ;)
02/20/2007 11:58 #38219
leaving new yorkCategory: location
i got home very late last night. it seems nobody ever wants to drive me to/pick me up from the airport. i do it all the time, but alas, i feel that i always put in way more than i get, from anything or anyone these days.
i took a cab home, which was actually fine, because i was really tired and didn't feel like talking to anyone.
the longer i stay here, the more i feel like i don't have enough friends. or really anybody to be there when i really need it. its ok because i learned to be fine on my own, but it would be so nice to live near my sister, or mother and have a friend/loved one always around. i guess im not the kind of person who likes to be fiercely independant. i like knowing that i can get help if i need it. plus, i want to be there for my family as well. i miss them so fucking much i think it actually hurts.
i know i always say, im not going to stay, but this time i really can't. buffalo is such a small little bubble, and i feel like i owe it to myself to want/have more. its so clliquey, and gossipy. i can't leave the house w/o seeing somebody i know, and half of them i don't want to see.
the problem is, where to go? new york is amazing and has basically everything i love, however, i just don't know if i can handle it there. its so big and busy and crowded, and expensive. arizona is beautiful and so is the weather, but it lacks the feel of an old city, which i love. the jobs there are plenty, and the pay is great. i wouldnt be poor like in ny.
i have a huge decision to make, and not very much time to do it.
p.s. the site looks really nice (e:paul)!
i took a cab home, which was actually fine, because i was really tired and didn't feel like talking to anyone.
the longer i stay here, the more i feel like i don't have enough friends. or really anybody to be there when i really need it. its ok because i learned to be fine on my own, but it would be so nice to live near my sister, or mother and have a friend/loved one always around. i guess im not the kind of person who likes to be fiercely independant. i like knowing that i can get help if i need it. plus, i want to be there for my family as well. i miss them so fucking much i think it actually hurts.
i know i always say, im not going to stay, but this time i really can't. buffalo is such a small little bubble, and i feel like i owe it to myself to want/have more. its so clliquey, and gossipy. i can't leave the house w/o seeing somebody i know, and half of them i don't want to see.
the problem is, where to go? new york is amazing and has basically everything i love, however, i just don't know if i can handle it there. its so big and busy and crowded, and expensive. arizona is beautiful and so is the weather, but it lacks the feel of an old city, which i love. the jobs there are plenty, and the pay is great. i wouldnt be poor like in ny.
i have a huge decision to make, and not very much time to do it.
p.s. the site looks really nice (e:paul)!
theecarey - 02/21/07 16:02
if you are feeling the draw to go, then go for it. you've thought about this on and off many times, yes? I can say that the feeling doesnt go away. Dont worry about where you might be happy- you dont really know that until you try out a few places. Start with something familiar- NYC/AZ.. and keep an open mind from there. Life is an adventure, have fun!
if you are feeling the draw to go, then go for it. you've thought about this on and off many times, yes? I can say that the feeling doesnt go away. Dont worry about where you might be happy- you dont really know that until you try out a few places. Start with something familiar- NYC/AZ.. and keep an open mind from there. Life is an adventure, have fun!
ladycroft - 02/21/07 15:21
Wherever you go, there you are. You don't know what's waiting for you out in the world until you jump in it. While you will always carry your heart wherever you go, it is easier to move forward with your life when you're in a new milieu. Change scared into excitment!
Wherever you go, there you are. You don't know what's waiting for you out in the world until you jump in it. While you will always carry your heart wherever you go, it is easier to move forward with your life when you're in a new milieu. Change scared into excitment!
jenks - 02/21/07 15:04
Sarah I have to say I agree with you. Not that you necessarily need to leave Buffalo, but that it's a very small town. That is one thing that has always struck me about this town- that it seems the vast majority of people here come from the area (or at least from NY), have never left, and have no intention of leaving. And then are mad at you if you dare suggest there are other places in the country/world worth living besides Buffalo.
And as far as friends/family- mine are the most important people in my life. But, I pretty much think that unless they're in within an hour's drive or so- they are probably a flight away. And if you have to fly, it doesn't really matter so much anymore.
So go where you're happy. And remember- even if you do move somewhere, and you don't love it- you're not stuck there, you can always move again.
Moving to a new city all alone is certainly scary, and difficult. But honestly I think the friends I have made during that process (all alone in a new place, FORCED to go out and meet people) have become closer friends than the 'automatic' ones (people from high school, etc.)
Either way, good luck, and have fun. But you are right. There is more to life than Buffalo. It's a big country, and I think it's silly not to try to get out there and see some of it.
Sarah I have to say I agree with you. Not that you necessarily need to leave Buffalo, but that it's a very small town. That is one thing that has always struck me about this town- that it seems the vast majority of people here come from the area (or at least from NY), have never left, and have no intention of leaving. And then are mad at you if you dare suggest there are other places in the country/world worth living besides Buffalo.
And as far as friends/family- mine are the most important people in my life. But, I pretty much think that unless they're in within an hour's drive or so- they are probably a flight away. And if you have to fly, it doesn't really matter so much anymore.
So go where you're happy. And remember- even if you do move somewhere, and you don't love it- you're not stuck there, you can always move again.
Moving to a new city all alone is certainly scary, and difficult. But honestly I think the friends I have made during that process (all alone in a new place, FORCED to go out and meet people) have become closer friends than the 'automatic' ones (people from high school, etc.)
Either way, good luck, and have fun. But you are right. There is more to life than Buffalo. It's a big country, and I think it's silly not to try to get out there and see some of it.
joshua - 02/21/07 08:56
No, there is absolute truth in the sentiment that Buffalo is economically handicapped and is generally a miserable place to live half of the year. Theres nothing "stupid" in admitting that you are better off somewhere else, particularly when you've BEEN THERE several times.
So in this respect, Sarah is correct and certainly so am I.
No, there is absolute truth in the sentiment that Buffalo is economically handicapped and is generally a miserable place to live half of the year. Theres nothing "stupid" in admitting that you are better off somewhere else, particularly when you've BEEN THERE several times.
So in this respect, Sarah is correct and certainly so am I.
jason - 02/21/07 08:53
You're right, now is the time if you're going to make a move. You don't want to wait until you have real commitments, a hubby (gasp!) or something else that would make it so that you really couldn't go.
I do have to correct you on something. I do not have my family here, other than Joshua. In fact, half of my family I know nothing about. You see your family about as much as I do, possibly more. I've lived away from my family since I was 18 years old. It's almost 11 years since then.
And when I lived in Jamestown I thought exactly the way you're thinking. This place is too small town. The people are small minded. I am bigger and better than this place. I can't be successful or happy here.
Really I was being ignorant, and I hadn't done a damn thing in my life for myself, even in Jamestown. I blamed my own problems, and lack of money or happiness on Jamestown, which is pretty fucking stupid and thoughtless. Josh talks this way all the time.
The irony is that I have never experienced the kind of unhappiness in Jamestown that I have gone through here in Buffalo (shitty girlfriends, lay offs, "treatment" at multiple clinics).
Do what you think you have to do for yourself and be happy. That's really what is important to all of us. It's good to move around and see different parts of the world. I know both Josh and I plan on leaving someday, possibly California.
You're right, now is the time if you're going to make a move. You don't want to wait until you have real commitments, a hubby (gasp!) or something else that would make it so that you really couldn't go.
I do have to correct you on something. I do not have my family here, other than Joshua. In fact, half of my family I know nothing about. You see your family about as much as I do, possibly more. I've lived away from my family since I was 18 years old. It's almost 11 years since then.
And when I lived in Jamestown I thought exactly the way you're thinking. This place is too small town. The people are small minded. I am bigger and better than this place. I can't be successful or happy here.
Really I was being ignorant, and I hadn't done a damn thing in my life for myself, even in Jamestown. I blamed my own problems, and lack of money or happiness on Jamestown, which is pretty fucking stupid and thoughtless. Josh talks this way all the time.
The irony is that I have never experienced the kind of unhappiness in Jamestown that I have gone through here in Buffalo (shitty girlfriends, lay offs, "treatment" at multiple clinics).
Do what you think you have to do for yourself and be happy. That's really what is important to all of us. It's good to move around and see different parts of the world. I know both Josh and I plan on leaving someday, possibly California.
lilho - 02/21/07 02:52
jason,
ive really only stayed here because im afraid to go anywhere else else. ive seen so many people move on and be much happier. cold and snow make me very unhappy and im leaning towards az, however, i think family is extremely important, and the members of my family happen to be my friends as well. as i say with most who think im just running away, you have your family here, and it would be much different if you didnt. no matter how much you dislike them, if they are around and you are here, you dont understand. also, a huge part of why i want to leave is for a better life, and brighter future. there is no such thing as clinging to family, if i was clinging to them, i would have left a long time ago. and personally, i think that buffalo for the most part, minus this website and a few other places is very small town and small minded. i want to live more than once place my whole life, and this is a great time to do so...
jason,
ive really only stayed here because im afraid to go anywhere else else. ive seen so many people move on and be much happier. cold and snow make me very unhappy and im leaning towards az, however, i think family is extremely important, and the members of my family happen to be my friends as well. as i say with most who think im just running away, you have your family here, and it would be much different if you didnt. no matter how much you dislike them, if they are around and you are here, you dont understand. also, a huge part of why i want to leave is for a better life, and brighter future. there is no such thing as clinging to family, if i was clinging to them, i would have left a long time ago. and personally, i think that buffalo for the most part, minus this website and a few other places is very small town and small minded. i want to live more than once place my whole life, and this is a great time to do so...
jason - 02/20/07 16:17
I think you need to give it more thought. You need to know why exactly you are leaving, where you are headed, and why you are going there. Leave if you must, but don't do it because you think your misery is tied to this place, because it is not at all a logical thing to do.
You've already mentioned things you don't like about both AZ and NY. I'm assuming you are considering either. Do you have friends and acquaintances in either place, or would you be clinging to your family?
If you go someplace where you really do only have 1 or 2 people, you have to be prepared to put yourself out there and make new friends. If you aren't ready for that you are going to be extremely unhappy, like I was in my first 6 months here on Elmwood.
(The real reason to go anywhere is to set yourself up for success in the future, and to increase your quality of life. It may or may not work because in the end it is still up to your own ambition and drive to work for these things.)
If I had to choose between NYC and Arizona I would pick Arizona in a split second. It's not even a thought or a choice for me, NYC is visiting material only.
I think you need to give it more thought. You need to know why exactly you are leaving, where you are headed, and why you are going there. Leave if you must, but don't do it because you think your misery is tied to this place, because it is not at all a logical thing to do.
You've already mentioned things you don't like about both AZ and NY. I'm assuming you are considering either. Do you have friends and acquaintances in either place, or would you be clinging to your family?
If you go someplace where you really do only have 1 or 2 people, you have to be prepared to put yourself out there and make new friends. If you aren't ready for that you are going to be extremely unhappy, like I was in my first 6 months here on Elmwood.
(The real reason to go anywhere is to set yourself up for success in the future, and to increase your quality of life. It may or may not work because in the end it is still up to your own ambition and drive to work for these things.)
If I had to choose between NYC and Arizona I would pick Arizona in a split second. It's not even a thought or a choice for me, NYC is visiting material only.
paul - 02/20/07 12:51
I would have picked you up. I told you to call me back if you couldn't find anyone else.
I would have picked you up. I told you to call me back if you couldn't find anyone else.
brit - 02/20/07 12:43
yo ho! good to have you back
yo ho! good to have you back
02/03/2007 12:46 #37980
this is getting serious...Category: winter
i now have to literally force myself out of the house.
for one of four things:
school
work
food
entertainment
wish it was more like this...
for one of four things:
school
work
food
entertainment
- i wish the coldness to end.
wish it was more like this...
robin - 02/03/07 23:02
pretty pretty girl
pretty pretty girl
02/02/2007 23:46 #37975
miracle of lifeCategory: automobile
i locked my keys in my car. this is the third time and less than three months.
i have lost way too many brain cells, or just wasnt born w/common sense.
either way:
i have lost way too many brain cells, or just wasnt born w/common sense.
either way:
- not only were the keys in the car, but it was on. from 12p until 11p.
- what a magical little car!~
I wish you luck and hope everything works out the way you are hoping it will. It sounds like you are doing it for the right reasons so things should work out fine.
On one level I'm sad to see you go since I guess I'll never get the chance to really know you.
Then in all I think you're making the right decision. You're doing the right thing and you may as well do it at your age. There's always the option to come back, but to be honest I have always looked at the people that have moved from here and returned as failures.
You're doing the right thing for the right reasons...
PS. I feel your pain. That's why I can't wait to leave!