so yesterday was a big cluster fuck. I woke up and Paul asked if I wanted to go to the mall with him after his dr's appointment. I rushed to get ready and as we're pulling out of the driveway he runs over a huge rock that separates our driveway from the church's. it was 10 degrees out but my weather app said it felt like -10. Paul had to cancel his appointment and it took like 2 hours for him to get it unstuck. he ended up smashing it to pieces with a sledgehammer. a+ Paul!





so we got to the mall and Paul traded in a purse for a new purse. sadly, it wasn't the one that got great reviews on purseblog.com but I think he will live.
then we went to H&M and I went shopping for ~professional clothing~. I got a bunch of cute stuff. I hate trying things on so much. I also got a new purse because the old one I've had for like 5 years = totally thrashed.

after that we ate at Jack Astor's. much yummy.
we got home and almost immediately got out of the house again to go to Don Tequila's for Caroline's birthday. lots and lots of margarita's. I wish I didn't have such bad heart burn.



We left and went back to the house for about an hour until we left to go to a party. some douche bag brought a dog though so we couldn't go. we just ended up doing to Underground for Radiation. Robert met up with us and he brought me Tums!!! and then I proposed to him and of course he said yes.

i am soooo friggin' sick of the cold!!!

SEE?!?!?!

sooooooo... that job i had been waiting so lonnnngg for just cut communication from the recruiting place completely. so annoying. oh well, at least i got practice. i have another interview with a different staffing agency tomorrow. the lady i spoke with said she may have a few things for me which is cool. the place is downtown too so it will only be like a 20 minute walk.
i also won tickets to a comedy show at helium tomorrow. woop woop~

erica killed it last night at nietzsche's open mic! everyone absolutely loved her. yayayay!
we ended up going to the bend to play pool after and get more drunk. i wanna get so good at pool. i wanna be a freakin' pool shark.

saturday morning i tagged along with my brother's and joe to go to pano's for breakfast. i swear they have the BEESSST french toast. and their bacon is never too crispy or too limp~ AND THE FRESH SQUEEZED OJ. 10/10 would recommend

i'm drooling just looking at the picture.

later that night we went to casa di pizza for joe's friends joint bday. the whole time i was squished into the corner because of how crowded it was. corner is much better than being touched and bumped into. i really can't handle all of that. thanks for the corner spot, brother terry!!! and then we headed to toro for soome dancing. not my scene. i ended up freaking out trying to be a mama bird because in the bathroom one of joe's friends was throwing up into the trashcan (??) and another one of her friends said she was throwing up blood. it WAS rly red but joe said she was just drinking vodka cran all night. i got her water and was all freaked out while it was happening though. i ended up leaving my scarf there >:O i am down to just one scarf now and also one i hijacked from tanya. then paul got us pizza and it was delicious and greasy.
twas a good day~

on friday paul, joe and i met up with casey and tanya at don tequila's for margarita's and cheese dip. their chips are sooooo goood. every time i go there i usually am so full before my food even comes because of them. erica and my brother showed up near the end and i made erica eat my leftovers.

after that we all headed over to heidi and dianne's for some ufc watchin' and beer drankin'. i can't believe how into it i can get sometimes. i think the beer helps with that.
then after THAT, we went to block club's opening which was tons of fun. free beer! mickey and robert were there. <3 such fun. very dancing.




then we invited mickey, robert and some other new friends to the house to continue the fun~ we played some cards against humanity and went in the crawl space in the attic. so so chilly and spooky. my brother fell asleep on the couch. bless his heart.

i went to nietzsche's last night with erica to check out the feel of the open mic since she eventually (NEXT MONDAY!) wants to play there. turns out they have a very nice piano for her to use as well.

while we were there i managed to capture my brother and joe's souls being stolen by a woman *singing?* on the mic

bowling last night was supes fun. i'm so bad at it but i still got two strikes. w000ho0o0o0o






makeup was on point last night. i don't know why i insist on wearing lipstick when i know i'm gonna be drinking beer all night. i always end up just wiping it off.

picture dumping


i tried making a *mug brownie* the other day and it was fucking gross 0/10 would not recommend



erica and i being gawgeous on nye






we went to some *exclusive dance party* where we had to be on a guest list but it was boring so we left



after getting home and arguing about art for 5 hours

my mom asked me to take pictures of the snow for her and i thought these turned out pretty





it's officially over between jake and i. he returned my stuff to me and texted telling me to never bother him again. he is easily one of the cruelest people i have ever met. i deleted his numbers. paul was surprised to hear i didn't have them memorized. i will find a way to be okay.
the job lady called me today and told me that i have to wait til next week to hear if i got it or not. this is so annoying at this point. oh well. fingers crossed.

like anyone else, i hate being sick. the congestion plus my asthma just makes me feel like complete shit. i am glad it hit me before the new year, though, as i'm supposed to be hearing back from that job. the suspense is fucking killllling me.
jake and i broke up... again. we haven't spoken in more than a week. i miss him a lot. i am still deeply in love with him. perhaps this time apart is just what we need for right now and maybe we will get back together in the future but thats just me being confused and hopeful. one of the last things he said to me was that he needed time to think about everything and to get his head straight. and i hope he does and realizes that we don't need to be apart to work on ourselves. i have been good and strong and haven't sent any pathetic texts or drunkenly called him, though i have wanted to. i have random crying sessions but they don't last long. me being sick has made me more prone to them it seems because i started to cry earlier while boiling water, thinking about absolutely nothing. i blame the nyquil.
it's 8 am and i have not slept all night. this sickness has fucked up my sleeping schedule to the max.

i decided that 2k14 will be less of this

and more of this


au revoir

Wishbone
Richard Siken

You saved my life he says I owe you everything.
You don’t, I say, you don’t owe me squat, let’s just get going, let’s just get gone, but he’s

relentless,

keeps saying I owe you, says Your shoes are filling with your own damn blood,

you must want something, just tell me, and it’s yours.

But I can’t look at him, can hardly speak,

I took the bullet for all the wrong reasons, I’d just as soon kill you myself, I say.

You keep saying I owe you, I owe… but you say the same thing every time.

Let’s not talk about it, let’s just not talk.

Not because I don’t believe it, not because I want it any different, but I’m always saving

and you’re always owing and I’m tired of asking to settle the debt.

Don’t bother.

You never mean it anyway, not really, and it only makes me that much more ashamed.

There’s only one thing I want, don’t make me say it, just get me bandages, I’m bleeding,

I’m not just making conversation.

There’s smashed glass glittering everywhere like stars. It’s a Western, Henry,

it’s a downright shoot-em-up. We’ve made a graveyard out of the bone white afternoon.

It’s another wrong-man-dies scenario

and we keep doing it, Henry, keep saying until we get it right…

but we always win and we never quit, see, we’ve won again, here we are at the place

where I get to beg for it

where I get to say Please, for just one night, will you lay down next to me, we can leave our

clothes on, we can stay all buttoned up?

or will I say

Roll over and let me fuck you till you puke, Henry, you owe me this much, you can indulge me

this at least, can’t you? but we both know how it goes. I say I want you inside me

and you hold my head underwater, I say I want you inside me

and you split me open with a knife. I’m battling monsters, half-monkey, half-tarantula,

I’m pulling you out of the burning buildings and you say I’ll give you anything.

But you never come through.

Give me bullet power. Give me power over angels. Even when you’re standing up

you look like you’re lying down, but will you let me kiss your neck, baby? Do I have to

tie your arms down?

Do I have to stick my tongue in your mouth like the hand of a thief, like a burglary

like it’s just another petty theft? It makes me tired, Henry. Do you see what I mean?

Do you see what I’m getting at?

You swallowing matches and suddenly I’m yelling Strike me. Strike anywhere.

I swear, I end up feeling empty, like you’ve taken something out of me, and I have to search

my body for the scars, thinking

Did he find that one last tender place to sink his teeth in? I know you want me to say it, Henry,

it’s in the script, you want me to say Lie down on the bed, you’re all I ever wanted

and worth dying for too

but I think I’d rather keep the bullet this time. It’s mine, you can’t have it, see,

I’m not giving it up. This way you still owe me, and that’s

as good as anything.

You can’t get out of this one, Henry, you can’t get it out of me, and with this bullet

lodged in my chest, covered with your name, I will turn myself into a gun, because

it’s all I have,

because I’m hungry and hollow and just want something to call my own. I’ll be your

slaughterhouse, your killing floor, your morgue and final resting, walking around with this

bullet inside me

‘cause I couldn’t make you love me and I’m tired of pulling your teeth. Don’t you see, it’s like

I’ve swallowed your house keys, and it feels so natural, like the bullet was already there,

like it’s been waiting inside me the whole time.

Do you want it? Do you want anything I have? Will you throw me to the ground

like you mean it, reach inside and wrestle it out with your bare hands?

If you love me, Henry, you don’t love me in a way I understand.

Do you know how it ends? Do you feel lucky? Do you want to go home now?

There’s a bottle of whiskey in the trunk of the Chevy and a dead man at our feet

staring up at us like we’re something interesting.

This is where the evening splits in half, Henry, love or death. Grab an end, pull hard,

and make a wish.