There are crickets a plenty and I am scheming. I made my sister read my thesis abstract and she says it don't make since. Aw, hell I'm going to go for it anyway... but first I'm going to go play the playstation.
I'm gone and yet I'm there, a virtual buffalonian.
The fog is thick here. Kiah runs circles around me all day. Today I hopscotched. The garden has come to harvest and there are vegetables all around. I used to have a friend that called tomato sandwiches, diced vagina sandwiches. I like tomatoes.

well, here I am

well, I'm so tired of stressing out. Oh lord, let's hang out. I'm leaving Buffalo on july 26th and not coming back until 2006. Time is running short and form are running long.

It's nice weather we are having. It actually rained a little. My chin is itchy. I think I'm growing a beard. A new moon starts today so maybe things will change up soon. It's almost bedtime for me.

I'm so jealous of everyone off on their summer ventures while I sit around and struggle with paper work. It's time to grade my students and then focus on my thesis abstract. I hate it when you have to pull everything together and attempt to make sense. I'm in the CFA which is completely abandoned right now. I've been trying to figure out these travel plans for Germany. Ah Buffalo, be good to me.

I'm here at the CFA. The place is being rented out to all these people with save our Niagara airbase signs and the stairs are being guarded by coppers. They keep checking my ID everytime I want to come up the stairs. It's really annoying.
I did something amazing last night. I cleaned my apartment, every room except for the worst one of all, my bedroom. I'll get to that eventually. I mopped the floors and everything.
I'm getting so tired because I was up all night. I feel self-conscious these days because last Saturday a filling in my front tooth fell out because of the cavity growing behind it. Now I have a big black spot gracing my smile. I made a dentist appointment but it's not for a couple of weeks so in the meantime I'll just try to give the old toothless smile.
I was at the library. I found a few books. I'm still thinking of my thesis. The problem that I have is connecting a subject to my production. Usually when I make things I make them from life, from passing interest. I have some serious and important subjects that I'm interested in but I'm not sure how I could address something like that without making a boring documentary.
I kind of have an idea though, it would involve two different research sources, well, several sources but two main subjects. The first involving folktales/fairy-tales as a means to a process for production. The second subjects is more to do with content and it's less solid. I guess it involves sterotypes of white southerners as racist. The mass media's perspective and what it projects onto youth. I'm thinking of this also because of my own childhood perceptions of Germans and what I learned in school. Which was of course about the holocoust, actually I'm still learning about that all the time thanks to PBS. I wonder what this culture of guilt produces? I wonder what it changes or what it damages or what it helps and so on...
Then also I'm interested in commeration. That is the title of the workshop I'm sitting in on in Germany. Art and Commeration. I think that I have kind of a focal point here by comparing wwII to the american civil war. I know very different things or whatever but they both had these issues of discrimination. In Germany they just built a huge monuiment in berlin for the memory of holocost victims. I'm sure in the south nothing has ever really been done for the memory of the victioms of slavery and discrimination. Of course this day in age no one remembers those days, well, discrimination maybe but not slavery. Now slavery is stories, tales of what it was like, passed through generations, records, or imigination. I still believe in slavery though. Being trapped in an exsistance that is out of your hands and dependant on other humans and of course humans are the most vile, fickle, and wretched things ever.
What about the flag? A few years ago in Georgia they changed the state flag to rid it of the confedarate emblem. I wonder did germany ever have a state flag with a swastika? I'm sure they didn't. It would not have been allowed would it? I know that these days the little brithsh prince has been sporting a swastika as part of some sort of movement to reclaim the symbol with of course exsisted long before the nazi party.

so as you can see my thoughts of this second subject, the content subject is far from being clear or defined. Obviously I have no idea what the hell to do. Now it's almost time to go critique my students social commentary videos. Better get my ID ready so I can run smoke.

well, 5 missing students on a crit day. It was good for the ones who did show up, a nice laid back class. I have so much shit to do, I'll be happy when classes are over and I have time to think about the things that I need to do for myself. I love my video with Terry. I love pushing people to their limits. I have to go play some b-ball.

I'm at mom and dad's house. Everyone is down at the pond behind my brother's house. Kiah woke me up early but I was so hung over I went back to sleep. My mom told me she went to the living room to look for my friends, liz, soyeon and Arzu. poor baby.
I had a crazy time in Atlanta. Joy is a nut case. I love her. Her french husband seems nice. I got in touch with my old friend Alex miller, this is his web site, www.almill.com

Life is confusing. I turned 24 last Friday so I invited some buddies to my house to drink Jose Cuervo 1800 and rock it. The next night I went to a performance and then another party. Sunday, I sat around in my mess after sleeping all day and got together all these forms for Germany. I managed to locate my cell phone without having to clean up the party mess. I need to look around for some other peoples cellphones next. Rather than cleaning though, I'm at the UB library intent to focus on my thesis research for a few hours before I go prepare for class but when checking my e-mail just now I got a message from a certain someone stating

just so you know, I'm checking myself into a mental clinic

thanks again for everything

don't you dare write me back

so now I get to be destructed by that all day. I wonder what I could have done to avoid this bull shit. I don't understand why he's going all crazy. What the hell? I know life is tough but he's is pissing me off. I know it's hard when a relationship ends but it's not the end of the fucking world, especially if you were in a relationship with a mess like me. He's using me as an outlet for his anger with the shitty boring life he created for himself which I never had shit to do with. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
I'm flying to Georgia next weekend to watch Joy marry a french guy. It will be good to see Joy. It's been a while. In fact, I can't remember the last time I was with her. We've managed to keep in touch. [inlink ]robin,60[/inlink ] I'm determined not to bring her down with talk about my X. I'm determined not to bring anyone down. I want to pretend that there is no tomorrow everyday. I want chaos and clown suits along with beer and titty sucks.

plan for Wednesday- go to squeaky wheel open screening at 8, show some stuff and look at some stuff. Then head to the pink for some refreshment. Come on out y'all.