This city is eating away at me, slowly and surly. I sit in my filth being a loathsome person. This is how I feel after calling my parents and begging for money. I talked my Mama then to my 3 yr. old niece Kiah for the longest time. She's so sweet it breaks my heart to be so far away. She said
Do you member me?
Are you tired? You can come sleep over here, Robie.
Is your cat there, is he still dead?
Poxy's not dead.
Poxy's dead she got all squishy.
Will you sing a song with me?
Where is your Mama? Granny yer mama?
When are you going to come here Robin?
You gotta get on an airplane?
No Granny you can't have the phone I'm talking to Robie
ahhhh waaaaa!
Is your boyfriend there?
What's his name, Annie?
He lives where I live?
Papa's gater broke.
We rode it to much.
Papa can fix it.
I've got a wire to fix the gater.
I love you.
When are you gonna come here?

So eventually she gives the phone to my Dad and I beg for a loan and he gets upset because he doesn't have the money but he says that he'll send me money every week and I try to explain why it's difficult for me if he sends money every week but it's pointless. He tells me to call more and not just when I need money. I tell him that I do call I just never talk to him and we hang up.
Then I cried for a good long while. I'm not even sure why. It could be because I feel bad for seeming ungrateful and spoiled. It could be because I'm worried about how I will get to campus when I move to a cheaper apartment that isn't so close to the subway. It could be that the people who I love the most and who love me the most all live 1000 miles away. It could be that I'm uncertain what the hell I'm doing with my life. It could be that I haven't done anything creative in what feels like a million years. It could be that I have to teach software in two weeks and I'm not that excited about it. It could be that Andy hasn't called me this week. It could be a million stupid, personal, and boring things.

I apologize for disappearing last night. I was bribed out of my hovel.
Wow, pecan pies. I love pecan pies and so does my Mama. In my Mawmaw's front yard there is a pecan tree.
I had a strange dream last night. My leg kept coming off right below the knee. I could put it back on but it felt like it was falling asleep. Numb parts. I tried hopping on the leg to make it wake up. A brown skinned girl helped me but I was so unbalance that I knocked us both over. Then the girl helping my slid her tongue in my mouth.

what was the name of that game where you had those little red zit stickers?
Girl Talk

i really do want to be on the beach. If only meinhold could have waited another day. Keith is going to be there for two weeks??? God, I wish I could convince Francine to drive down there. Anyone with a car wanna go to SC? Damn it, I do want to be on the beach, oh well.

There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated
through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all
time, this expression is unique.

If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be
lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine
how good it is; nor how valuable it is; nor how it compares with other
expressions. It is your business to keep it yours, clearly and
directly, to keep the channel open.

You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to
keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you.

Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction,
whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction; a
blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the
others.

Martha Graham (in a letter to Agnes DeMille)

time is a wasting, it's nice.

I don't think I can come down cause I blew a lot of money in nyc this weekend, well not a lot but pretty much all I had. Meinhold kind of freaks me out anyway cause of the time he bit me, gave me a wet willie, and called me slutty for asking him to buy me a drink. I did call him on Sunday night. I left a message but he never called back and I'm sure as hell not trying to chase him down.
Francine said that she shouldn't go either. We're both in the poor people boat right now so ... best to stay put. I need to clean my apartment and consider what the hell I'm doing with my life and all that.

I'm back after running away to nyc for the weekend. I had a good time. Most of the trip was solitary traveling. I like people to watch strangers. New York is a large state. I had some drinks with Mr. Walsh, Nate, Sherrie, and Ned. I know Mr. Walsh and Nate from Atlanta. One was my teacher and the other a fellow student. Sherrie I just met that night. Ned went to Alfred with Mr. Walsh and I'd met him before.
We all went to a bar and had a few drinks. I reminisced in my mind about homo erotic wrestling in the interactive video lab (IVL). We all piled into dans car and left the bar to go hang out at Ned's house. Sherrie lives in the same building. On the way up the stairs we noticed red crap all over the back of Sherrie's dress. I remember following her to the door saying "hmmm, it almost looks like menstrual blood." She went to change but then she never came up to Ned's place.
Mr. Walsh, Nate and I decided to take off so we went to the car. Nate was in the front and I climbed into the back. I got something slimy on my thumb when I climbed into the car. I held out my thumb exclaiming "ewww gross what the hell is this!" Dan pulls back over and we realize it's all over the back seat. I jump out of the car shaking my hang off and gagging. We realize that Sherrie managed to secretly vomit on the ride back. Mr. Walsh wiped up her vomit with a merry Christmas dish towel that we left laying on the side of the street in Brooklyn.
The next day I boarded the train and got back to buffalo at 10:30. The subway wasn't running and I had not arranged a ride so I walked back to my house from the station. I got to see the clean up crew removing Buffalo's taste. Keith left me a message asking if I want to go to South Carolina. I called the number he gave me but I haven't heard anything back.
I talked to Andy for a good long time. I want to go see him but who knows. I think I'm finally going to clean up my messy apartment and try to focus on my academic work.
I've started reading a book called A Slave Holders Daughter and the title is apt because it's written by a woman who was born in Mississippi the year the civil war ended. Her family lost it's fortune.
It is terribly bias but at the same time it's interesting to hear a first person perspective on the conditions of life back then. I'm fascinated with the idea of slavery, mainly because I believe that it still exist but needs to be better defined. I mean working full time for six bucks an hour, isn't that slavery, in a way? Why is it that some people are screwed in life and others have opportunities fall into their lap? What is this American dream people like to speak of? I don't know. I'll figure out these thoughts eventually.

member tha time?
[inlink]terry,208[/inlink]







[inlink]robin,136[/inlink]

My night on the town caught up with me apparently cause Bob fired me today. I feel bad for him. He told me that my priorities are messed up. My coworker has his priorities in the right place but he's fucking bob's daughter so ... he needs that good impression I reckon. Well, actually he's just a nice kid, not nearly jaded as I am.
It's interesting to be fired. This was my first time. It's more fun than quitting. The plant watering thing was getting old, I mean it's nice to do you know? Flower's are pretty. I'm sad. I was starting to like scraping the rust off of trash cans, it's oddly satisfying.
I've been considering my priorities all day and I realize now that jobs suck. I'm excited about this teaching thing but that doesn't start for a while... What am I going to live on? hmmmmm... I sure as hell don't want another bullshit menial job.
I've got to start thinking about my syllabus for the fall. I was to show the kids all kinds of things. Teaching seems like it should be rewarding. My class is in the afternoon so that's lucky. I want to see the kids make things. I can't wait. Making flowers grow Vs making people grow, same damn thing is some ways. Ittle be nice to have a job where I get to use my noggin.

To bad I have a month to kill.

There are all these street people and I need to utilize them. I want to start carrying around a video camera while I water flowers and take time out every now and then to get people to act in a written script. I'll give all the actors a dollar if they want. I'll have to get people to say something. I need a character. I was thinking of being, Pansy the fish seller and making people ask me "Hey, pansy will you sell me some fish?" ... yeah um
This detective McDonnell called today. He told me some lady got her teeth smashed out when someone snatched her purse. The attacker followed her home from the walgreens. Scary shit. I'm trying to wear clothes with pockets and carry as little as possible around with me. Keys and cigarettes.
I had another meeting with jack Daniel's last night. I remember the first night I met that particular brand of whiskey. I was 14. I had three girlfriends staying the night with me. My sister liked to take her truck and go cruising in Calhoun (in between the piggly wiggly and the movie theater).We tagged along with her that night.
12 yr. old, Shannon
13 yr. old, Courtney
and my Gemini twin, Taffy


We were loitering in the Family Dollar parking lot watching the cruisers drive by. Taffy found some rednecks who agreed to go to the liquor store for us. He came back with a huge bottle of Jack.
We went to my house and got drunk after that. I remember a Mexican skirt, being topless, and blue hair dye every where. Seems like Shannon threw up a pickle and Courtney kept pointing at it saying "look Shannon you threw up a whole pickle" and Shannon was crawling around on her knees in her vomit asking "where, where"?